yawn

my diva dog is home! when i walked in the door at Camp Grandma's Luxury Resort and Spoiling House for dogs, diva went right out of her natural puppy mind. she has a big, fierce shaved and stitched spot near her hip where the vet removed a lump. not to worry - no pics...too gross. she has sparkly teeth now, as well. and it is my job to watch her for the next 2 days and 2 nights to be sure she doesn't lick or bite her stitches. it was a long night. and an early morning. and i do it all with gladness that she is fine and there isn't cancer.i was up (for the final time) at 4am and it's nice to have the world to myself. diva is snoring in her "nest" behind the chair, and the cool morning air is drifting in the window...most welcome after yesterday's 91-degree heat wave out of nowhere. the air conditioning had already been put to bed for the season, so it was a restless night with cranky fans and too many blankets being kicked off and panting puppy trying to snuggle closer for the comfort of a missed mom. i've been reflecting on Squam, and my return. remembering that first year, where a week off from work after my return was essential, and not nearly enough...where the slightest whiff of woodsmoke or the hint of a special song could send tears streaming down my face and a gnawing homesickness prevailed for weeks, months, forever...even though i was in my own house. it was an awakening to how dead i had become to my own Self. this year was more graceful...still wishing to be back among kindred spirits and new & old friends, but less of a jarring Here vs. There feeling. and i realized that the spirit of There had stayed within me these past 3 years, and taken root as a tiny seed, which has grown into a tender vine within me...creeping throughout my spirit, my being, my Self...so the line was more smudged, and more of a recognition of sameness, rather than a plowing of new soil...it was the nurturing of something already growing, rather than the birthing of fallow ground into fullness. and that is welcome, and that is a smile and a nod. and in that state, i was finally able to reach more outward, and step outside my comfort zone more, artistically. i learned to paint. and despite sarah's contention that i always could, i say respectfully: uhnn uhnnnn. i owned all the tubes and pots of color, and sticks of this and drips of that, but to pick up a brush and PAINT? surely you're mad. i'd rather eat broccoli. but the ideas flow through me now and are realized on paper, canvas, gesso board. a most welcome oasis of expression after all these dry months spent avoiding my studio at all costs. and i do believe i'm going to head that way now, with the cool morning air drifting in my window, and the world to myself. thank you Elizabeth, once again.