bamboozeled, baggage-less, and blissed out

**sigh** where to start? i'm kidding myself if i think i won't lose my train of thought, so i'll just...start. and end when i'm done. http://www.davidnewmanmusic.com so copy/paste the link and listen while we chat. now, i consider myself an ordinary person...religiously confused, spiritually certain, and in most ways just your typical 50-ish woman with the same weight/hormone/life struggles as the next person. okay. so when my yoga instructor told us about this kirtan with David Newman, i thought "hunh." then, "do wha??" this is all new to me this yoga stuff, and all it's accompanying ...stuff. so for me to sit 4 hours ANYwhere for ANYthing, well, it better be dang good. the yoga studio is on the top floor of an oddly shaped triangular building...the traffic light was level with the window, and snowflakes were illuminated in the changing red, amber, green. the lights inside, low. candles along the window sill surrounded us on 3 sides. about 30-40 people filled the room. an intimacy, yet separateness. the chanting was call & response...soon, losing ourselves in words not understood by the head, but alive and breathing life to the heart....working changes...tears discovered cheeks splashing on shoulders, into hair...stumbling blocks removed...knots patiently worked free...freedom...spirits flowing....apologies planned...changes felt...chants to the female shiva -hmmm...interesting...why so uncomfortable? a little tempest of a temper tantrum inside. why why? each possible facet held and explored...the chanting continuing...a problem with women? nooo...i am surrounded by the strongest of strong women in my life. and it is a cloak i adore, i guard fiercely. what then? why the strong response to this chant? ahhh...what woman do you have the most problem with? who, despite your "best" attempts, is still a source of frustration to you? ah ha...dear one, look in the mirror. a chill. my 7th grade self peers back, wearing the orange shirt. (lately i have been barraged with orange). there she is, wearing the face i feel on my face daily. so we explore 7th grade together...hand-in-hand, big sister, little sister. my theory that the root of any esteem problems goes back to your 7th grade self is proven again. that feeling of being very cool one minute, yet not fitting in anywhere the next minute. and here she is, wanting to be reassured...wanting to be released. we spend some time together, resolving old hurts - perceived and otherwise, remembering Horrible Moments and realizing they weren't quite so bad in retrospect. then we agreed that the Older Version has indeed outgrown all this fussing, and deserves a better self-image....deserves to go back to the days when the Important things were on the forefront, instead of having to dissect and re-resolve all this ....Stuff...constantly. a sweet peace and joyousness enters the heart where previously there was constraint...smile...tears...but wait...we still have 3 hours left. somehow, many an issue was resolved, in a sweet, quiet way....silently...personally...gently yet precisely & fully. soon it was time to end for the evening....no one wanted to leave, and it seemed that time had gone too quickly. home in bed at 1am. up again early and back to the yoga studio at 11am...a totally different, yet still intense, experience with daylight streaming in, and the world awake outside. so today, i am most grateful for the grace that visited my soul...my heart....again, that i am cared for in ways that defy explanation. try this: slices of orange arranged on a platter like a flower, sprinkled with cinnamon. slices of apple on a beautiful plate, drizzled with honey. so the bamboozled part? never saw it coming...never thought it could happen...to be brought so gently to a place of entire emptiness, then filled so completely with FreshNewStuff...a Jewish/ Born Again Christian/ ordained Universal Light minister chanting in Sanskrit for 8 hours....go figure. namaste, y'all. L.

1hour books

so this has been a lot more fun than i thought it would be....although my sculpture work looks like it has been run over by a truck...many times...each mark and each element is intentional. and i do tend to get caught up in the details of the details...beads or broken glass in areas that no one will even see, but i know are there, etc. so i wanted to make a quick and easy Thing Of Some Sort, just to play a bit while i was trying to work out a design issue on CrowWoman. being the perfectionista that i am, this became difficult. so a friend of mine sent me a bag of semi-coordinating Things....papers, yarn bits, ephemera-ish type stuff. and 2 small, thick cardboard squares. "make a book from these," she demanded. "and in 1 hour. including glue-drying time," she added before i asked, as she knew i would - just to squeeze out a few more minutes. start now. so i moved CrowWoman to a safe location (my soldering chair) and dumped out the bag o'stuff on my work table. yow! colors everywhere! buttons and tags and stuff and stuff. not the usual Stuff i work with either...no rusty metal. no burnt wood. no broken glass. just papery type stuff. a Challenge. the gauntlet thrown. i figured i would choke, and make nothing, but honestly? it was real liberating....here was a pile o'stuff that i would normally pass by, and an impossible time allowance to use them to make a specific object thingie. so i was off....the task demanded loud Janis Joplin, and as the first screeches emanated from the CD player, i knew what i had to do. and it was fun being under the gun like that - i felt free to screw up...i had the excuse that it wasn't my usual material, and that i only had 1 slim hour. and so i played. and didn't worry if this would make it to a gallery, or if the commission check would clear, or if bits would break in transport. nope. just stuck my fingers in a big pot o' gel medium and had at it. oh - in case you're wondering...my hour is up and i'm done, so i have permission to be here. besides, with all the snow we got last night - oy vey - she can't come check on me. neener neener. L.

dig it

things i'm diggin right now: Choward's Frangrance Chewing Gum ...yes - fragranced. as in lilac scent & taste. very retro. very tasty. speaking of tasty...Eastern Shore Tea Company's Ginger Pear Tea....i can't seem to drink enough of this! the aroma....mmmmm....and the taste is so fine! sometimes you get a flavored tea or coffee, and it's big on aroma, but tastes the same as any old tea. not this one. so i'm back among the semi-living....i slept until 2pm, when Diva began banging on my head. undeterred, she wanted a belly rub and a walk. in that order. then repeat. so i got my sluggish butt upright and dressed myself like some toddler's mom had her way with me...sweats, scarf, short-bus hat, boots, gloves. we went through the woods, over the bridge, through the echo echo tunnel, past the monkey tree, through the beechwoods, past Hi Friend's house. and i began to feel normalized. my hawk has been standing guard over the house again, driving the crows to distraction. last weekend as i freaked out, i looked heavenward and asked "Just WHO is supposed to be watching me???" so i guess it's hawk's turn! and today, a flicker stopped by. Google them - absolutely ravishing. they have the breast and belly of a hawk, with the beige & brown, but the under-tail and under-wing is a yellow-green and they have a red splotch on the back of their neck. i think that's so predators will think they're already dead. Bleeding Heart pidgeons have a red marking on their chest for that reason. so the rehab center has a bald eagle (juvenile) and a tiny tiny bobcat. i so wish i could hold them & pet them and hug them. given my misadventures with the squirrels, though, it's just as well that it isn't allowed. well, time to make up for lost time here. tomorrow night is Kirtan with David Newman! and then his workshop on saturday! very uber-exciting. will report back! L.

sorry - it's been a while since my last post....so much is happening with The New Secret Etsy Store....it should be ready for lift-off any time now....will let you know INSTANTLY! right now i'm off to bed again....i swear if it isn't one thing it's another with this jalopy of a body...i feel all food poisoning-like. so i'll sleep for a while, then work for a while. that's the plan anyway! xox linda

Go HERE http://fingerlakesart.blogspot.com/ and see my friend Holly's Christmas Tree ornament she was asked to make for the White House tree! yes...THE White House. Go Holly Go Holly Go Holly. check out her etsy too. i should be more famous, the people i know. hunh. :)

through the knothole backwards

so i'm through, and on to the other side, and i know, once again, how it feels to be birthed...through that dark tunnel, squozen, wondering if you'll make it, then AHH a breath of air. thank you all, for making a net of your hands and bearing me up, once again. this dark side, i guess, is as much a part of me as is the other parts (or so i re-realized from Jen Gray's blog...an eye opener, and a forever-grateful moment) and although i don't particularly like that part of me, the realization that it is just a "part" and not the defining sum, well, that certainly makes me relax quite a bit and not panic quite as much. rather than speak in flowery, figure-this-out language, i'll just call it by name: depression. i've wrestled with it forever, it seems. for a while, in my 20's and a bit in my 30's, i was able to banish it. the price was paid in my mid-40's when it came back furious as hell and wanting revenge. of course, working at 911 certainly did little to help that. i finally stopped arguing and gave in, trading my job for my pillow, and a prescription. the brief time i spent taking the prescription was good...and bad. i needed help to get out of the "cycle" or rut of expecting to be depressed. not sad. depressed. i could be laughing & happy-looking, but inside i was absolutely devastatingly empty....and the awareness of that emptyness is what made me depressed even more. so yes, it was good to take a medication to stop that so i could get my footing back. it was bad because of the tremendous weightgain it brought about...a side effect that was known to the doctor, but never mentioned. so as i went from size 4 to a 6 to an 8, then 10, i panicked and felt even worse about myself. i began to get a bit anorexic in my habits, but the weight stayed put. after finding out that my physician knew this could happen, but didn't warn me...the anger piled on. which caused me to sit up & take control of my healthcare a bit better, which meant changing ALL my doctors. so anyway, this is getting long & tedious. i just wanted to say these things: Thank you my great good friends, for not giving up on me time & again, and even when i may have gotten a bit frustrated if the situation were reversed. And: depression is what it is...it doesn't define you in whole...it doesn't make you a better or worse person...you are still who you are, and depression is part of that. if you were miserable to be around before, then you are an absolute bastard to be around while you're depressed, so try to be a better person when you aren't depressed. practice. And: surround yourself with friends that are family. better than family. i am so incredibly blessed by my friends. And: when depression slinks it's way in, keep a small private spot to yourself that KNOWS This Won't Last. because it won't. it can't. the other parts of you will get bored waiting for their turn, and one day, something will overtake the bad part and it will melt like the wet bad witch that it is. so hang on. call that friend-till-the-end. call me. i will care. so that's it on this topic for now. *********** today's day brought windy, blowing snow, which for some reason pleases me. i love watching it...had a blast walking diva in it...don't have any urge to drive in it though...i'm very excited about xc-skiing this year...and my other neighbor is all over the snowshoe idea, so there you have it. distractions to keep my heart from hating the drifts. the cardinals at the feeder are absolutely mesmerizing...their bright scarlet against the brilliant snow is breathtaking. we put corn out for the squirrels and they sit there eating it with their tails curled around them like fur coats. diva went out on the back deck and just stood there like a snow dog staring at this 1 squirrel. no bad intention or stalker in her, and the squirrel must have known...they were about 2 feet apart and the squirrel was just relaxed & chowing. she came in with inches of snow piled on her. of course a quick shake & it was off...and covering the kitchen floor. oy. i'm off to work on CrowWoman. enjoy y'all! L.

a scene in kmart

two women, one older than the other, suddenly realize they've both been standing with their hands on a neatly folded pile of flannel pajamas. not seeing them. just staring at them. lost in thought...lost in the cloud. till they both realized one another. I don't feel much like christmas this year, ventured the younger. Me either, replied the older. I may have an un-christmas party. Would you invite me? Most certainly. If i had the energy, i'd plan it. they go on their separate ways.

yep, 'cause that's all i do is sit around all day posting whatever tiny thought crosses my brain. seems like it some days. okay - TOday. did y'all ever have a person come into your life that was just so special, that all other relationships, male or female, were (despite your best intentions) sort of judged by that one? the bar is...HERE....and this relationship is ...here...or maybe every so often, a wistful thought crosses your mind....your current "here" is fine, but the other "here," well, that was once in a lifetime. that was so special...special enough to never be shared or spoken of...to still be held close even though it has long long since gone...since everyone has long long moved on. just every so often a shadow of a wisp of a wonder passes through a thought that crosses your mind....d'ever happen to you like that? kinda spanky, huh? and the friendship that remains....so incredibly special and purified...that is what i am thankful for today. *************************************** Happy Kwanzaakah....? so rumor in the family has it that my grandfather on my father's side was actually a man who helped Grandma 'Lana run the candy store...she has been described as "a lively woman. wink nudge," and he, described only as black. it explains some things, and confuses others, and since no one's talking, i think this year i'll make up my own holiday to celebrate: Kwanzaakah. half kwanzaa, half Hannukah. that ought to set things right. so have i ever told you the story of my first Christmas tree? no?? okay. i tell now...seet bad childrens and i tell. first some history: my father was Jewish. my mother was...not. she converted to Judaism when she married dad, but was always a bit wistful for a christmas tree. nothing doing. she even tried the Hannukah Bush route, but dad was not to be fooled. my dad passed away in october 1977. after, as the days and weeks dragged endlessly by, my brother & i wanted to do something to try to make mom feel a little better. we decided to give her a christmas tree that year. so okay - 2 jewish kids trying to do christmas....we had no idea where to get a tree, or what to do with it after we got it...never really paid attention. that's where the neighbors stepped in....my girlfriends father cut a tree from their farm - unusual in that he really didn't like me at all...felt i was the source of all the trouble his daughter ever got into. i was, but sheesh. the neighbor next door got wind of the plan, and they donated some lights. other neighbors donated ornaments and strung popcorn & cranberries. someone else donated a cinderblock to use as a tree stand at the last minute when we asked So how do these things stand up? so christmas eve comes. we have no clue how to get this tree in the house all sneaky sneaky. mom happened to go into the bathroom that had the lock installed backwards - on the OUTSIDE (don't ask) and we sprang into action...with her safely locked in, we dragged the tree into the house from it's hiding place, strung lights and berries and popcorn. mostly outdoor lights on an indoor tree, but feh - who cared. it was the most ....well...it looked like a couple of jewish kids had decorated it. but i'll tell you, there was no more beautiful tree in all of the world that night. mom's eyes shone like the tinfoil star on top. she recognized and appreciated what had gone into it, and the reason why. as we pointed out who had donated what, she was even more touched and grateful. and that, my friends, is the story of my first christmas tree. i've had some since that were decorated more beautifully, but never a more beautiful tree. L.

you know, sometimes i just shake my head in wonderment. yesterday, for most of the day, i felt like a lazy slug. i was really getting down on myself for being so lazy lazy lazy. the fact that i showed up at work AT ALL was a character-building event. then throughout the day i kept saying to myself, "okay - stay 1 more hour, then you can go home." now THAT'S the kind of employee you want, eh? i was just so incredibly tired. i napped at lunch, and did the barest minimum all day. which made me feel worse about myself. then, the most compassionate thing happened....a woman from another department called and as i struggled to try to complete a sentence, she mentioned that i sounded like she'd woken me up. joking. i said "oh if only you had! i still feel underwater." that led to a whole discussion about CFFS and i got more info from her than from my so-called physician who i am promptly firing. i was heaving sighs of astoundment & relief. so this uber-exhaustion, this not-being-able-to-get-anything-done feeling, this love affair with my pillow, and general malaise ....this is all part of it??? yes. oh thank you. not that i'm thrilled about it, but at least i can stop beating myself up for being "lazy," and work with what i got. meanwhile, as i was finishing up my call with her, another woman i work with was standing at my desk waiting. she asked if i was talking to someone about CFFS...turns out SHE was recently diagnosed. and another woman heard US talking about it and SHE was telling us about her experience as a Worker's Comp examiner and a woman she saw as a client. amazing. i've been very introspective lately - i've felt like it was time to actually get to know the person i've been bullying around for so many years. not a bad-introspection...not a depressed Who Am I kind of thing. just an inventory-taking...a closer look type of thing. this process started 2 years ago, but i sidetracked and ran from it....seeing only a fat woman with wrinkles who thought she was still 20-something. well, that's an exaggeration, but i focused so much on how my Exterior has changed in the past few years, that i only got an inkling of what was held Inside. i'm a fine one to step up and tell YOU to look inside and that YOU are so incredibly beautiful inside or outside, but i'm also the first in line to take whacks at myself, pinata-like, such are my expectations of myself. so i guess KNOWING that life will move a bit slower for me, well, that will help me to be more gentle with myself and be able to regroup and see what is in store. and who is in store. and be able to just chill when my body says to...i don't have a choice, i guess! but i know myself, and i know i'll push it as far as i can. and from what i now know, there will be a push BACK if i try to un-listen too much. this should be an interesting next path. i'll be sure to bring a woobie and plenty of snacks! L.

oh now look... http://lovedogportraits.weebly.com/index.html ...if you know diva, the 1st one is just all her.

yes YOU

You know who you are...and i'm asking - no begging...cajoling ...and will certainly become reduced to threats and/or tears...please ask Steve Tyler to send the picture he promised to my neighbor....it's Christmas. WE WANT FEET. give them UP already. **********new topic************* http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJU79dmVgZY (sorry - i have no clue how to link - you have to copy & paste) (and if i were 30 years younger....) okay - the rest of you...run to the store and buy anything by Cat Empire. unless you already have. am i the only zombie i know?? okay - back to sculpture work. wings today. *******new topic****** diva's home and all in snub mode...this will last another hour. then she'll mope for grandma. then i'll be the center of her universe again. ahhh. shoulda gotten fish.

if you aren't a girl, just scroll elsewhere....but if you are, and you're in your 40's...late 40's-ish, or hope to be, or know someone who is, or is just too amused by this person who is a wee past late 40's-ish and into early early 50's-ish, then please take heed. i know i may have mentioned this before (but of course the memory serves another master), but it certainly bears repeating. menopause. NOT for wimps. you hear an awful lot about >whew< hot FlAsHeS as they relate to menopause, but no one really really gets into the nitty gritty about the possible side-effects of your body's decision to take you to the Next Life Cycle. and i am not medically trained, nor am i any sort of expert. but it does seem that i have experienced just about every fun-house ride this particular part of life can throw at me. and i am here to warn you - READ UP. it will happen. thank God for my real estate woman...i've known her for close to 30 years and would never think of buying, selling or divorcing without her. and it was she who brought me back from the brink and held my hand, explaining that the extreme emotions i was having were part of a menopausal moment and would pass in a few hours. or days. probably. as i wept and heaved my suitcase out the door saturday after dropping Diva off at grandma's, i called her to get a quick-n-dirty market analysis on my house...how much could i hope to split in the likely eventuality of a water landing of my marriage. faithful friends have seen this for years, as i creep closer to that line. however, back to my point. the emotions i experienced on saturday were so outrageously out of proportion to the events at hand, and certainly misplaced in their target. i'll spare you the tawdy & tired read-through of the litany of sins visited upon my peace of mind. just know i was pissed in a big way. so the point is that the years leading up to the actual Menopause, are called perimenopause. this is because at any given time, you may, or may not, have a period. maybe today for 3 weeks, then not again for 6 months. maybe for 6 months, then not again for 2 days. you never know. although you can pretty much count on being 100 miles from the nearest full service store in, oh, say, the woods of new hampshire, and BAM out of nowhere after 6 months, you get it. just sayin. so all that estrogen has been stored up, and suddenly a tsunami of it floods your system (remember this is not medically concise) floods your system and as you feel what may be your appendix or possibly something sharp caught on a fallopian tube, this just horrible blind rage hits and doesn't stop till BAM - your period. with all the intensity of something that's been waiting 6 months to torment you. then of course, the weeping and the chocolate eating and nothing fits and on & on. i lost the track of my purely-for-your- informational style early on, didn't i? i'm sorry. but there's a lot more to this menopause stuff than i ever dreamed. and it's important to know what may come so you don't confuse it with insanity. some women have no symptoms whatsoever. so they say. some have them all. i just want to get out on the other side and wear a ton of Bluefish clothing and be cheeky. so ask your doctor about this. read a book about it. ask someone you know about it - someone like my real estate agent who won't lie or sugarcoat. i can only tell you my side of it. which i'm happy to do. just ask. so that's my public service for the day. time to chill on some tryptophan and edamame. L

from my brother : sorry - you have to copy & paste....but creative genius is worth the effort... http://crackle.com/c/Music/_Please_Don_t_Bomb_Nobody_This_Holiday_/2411915#ml=fi%3d%26fu%3d2487346&tra=clickthrough&cmp=taf

indeed

that dog...she made me oversleep again....she gets all up next to me and curls in. then she puts her little paw on my hand or cheek and sighs. now who could resist this behavior? so the word for the day is : adoralicious. she is so cute, she's almost edible. wishing you all some adoralicious moments today! L.

Invisible man on 1st

did y'all used to have that? invisible man on 1st...when Steven Marcus was grounded and there weren't enough Actual Visible players? someone would kick the ball and it would be an automatic 1st base, even though Steven was very athletic, if insecure to a fault, and would probably have sent the ball to jupiter, had he been allowed out to play. so geting around to my point, and i do have one....Diva has an invisible friend. yes. she will suddenly wake up and sprint for the back door where she will attempt to claw her way out (stinks to be thumbless) like her life depended on it. the instant The Instant i tell you she hits the back deck, her tail starts a spinning wag, which is a high degree of difficulty for her breed. (eskie). her invisible friend is no doubt the very same chipmunck that has bedeviled her all summer, only now it's moved into it's winter home under our deck. the deck is slatted wood sort of, so she is able to get a good sniff of whatever is under there, and husband began a demolition on this deck last last year (that's 2 years ago) but only got as far as 1 part of 1 board in the corner. so she is able to get her snout down in there, and i worry that she'll get her face stuck and hurt something in the removal thereof. but she remains undeterred. after her recent apple-two-step incident, i am very sensitive to her needs, as far as the potty is concerned, so when she wakes up at, oh, say 2am, 3am, and starts pawing at me, i will bolt upright and run for the back door tripping on my bathrobe. imagine my feelings and thoughts when she starts wagging and sniffing along the deck, oblivious to my need for sleep and the early hour that i am freezing my ankles. then of course, about 20 minutes after we're snuggled back into bed, she remembers that she never did get around to potty-fying. i am tired y'all. i have been going to bed around 8:30, just hoping to get a few early winks before the Invisible Friend starts partying. oh and speaking of which....my stepchildren are home for the holiday. my stomach is pre-knotted. husband? oh - he left this morning for another vacation day or two in the woods. safe place safe place. thank Jesus i don't work tomorrow, because as youngblood headed out the door an hour ago, he announced he'd be back late (which means early, but on the other side of the 12) so between I.F. and youngblood, i should get 1-inch of sleep. enough of this....now i'm in a mood. speaking of being in a mood, am i the only one who just does not look forward to holidays (except my birthday, of course)? i really do not like holidays. especially the biggies - thanksgiving & christmas. i just want to spend those days in my jammies watching movies. without in-laws or other people creating chaos & trampling on my zen. i want to spend thanksgiving being actually thankful. maybe quietly doing some meditation, naming everything i'm grateful for, eating chocolate cake and napping. same for christmas, but i'd like people to stop by briefly Briefly and drop off presents for me. i just don't like commotion. at all. i think it's because my JOB is commotion all day. i need quite of lot of quietness. and my M-I-L is the antithesis of that. god! i can hear her glass-crunching voice now. advice i give my stepchildren: marry an orphan. i think i could indeed become a part-time hermit. at least when it comes to holidays. so i want to treat myself to a short vacation in january or march...i'm not sure where to...and just for a few days - leave on a friday morning, return on sunday night or monday morning. hmmmm. i'll think on that. AND! the 10th semi-annual Girls Pajama & Craft party will be coming up! picture 2 nights in a penthouse suite with a roaring fireplace and a room full of women all making art or chocolate cake or reading a book or whatever they feel like. loft bedroom, plus another plus another, plus all the other usual rooms, and a kitchen with food! if this sounds like fun....drop me a line so you'll be included! stay for an hour, come & go, stay for a few days....it's your party, do what you want to....but no crying. so what a ramble, huh? okay i'm done i think, and off to bed like an old person. if anyone has any information on whether or not my husband is planning another surprise birthday party for me, please let me know. Thanks! be back with you after the holidays....i wish you all the happiness of a Norman Rockwell thanksgiving! pray for me. :) Linda

out from under

i'm coming up for a quick breath of air, thanks to puppy prodding! she will tell you i Never feed her, Never walk her, Never talk to her...she will try to call my friend Betsie to report Animal Cruelty (now there's a job no one lines up to interview for). In fact, i feed her too much of things she shouldn't have as much of (chicken), take her on a Big Walk through the woods every morning FIRST THING, and talk to her incessantly throughout the day till people think i'm a nutter. the past 3 days though, maybe not so much. i have been up to my eyeballs in aligators trying to get Christmas orders done. and, can i say, i am so very pleased with the work! i'm grateful for the sudden demand, and also grateful that i am able to stay true to my focus of Instinctual Elements Jewlery. it's almost a little freaky to create a piece, not even know where that came from, then have a call for something Exactly like it! kind of exciting, and also so humbling...to think that i am being Cared For enough to be taught....to be taught to listen to my inner voice - my "instinct" ....to trust ...to value myself and my instinct...all these things and more rolled into one, and out comes a beautiful piece of jewelry! i was up well into the single digits, then after a few hours, began again. i have a long table set up in the livingroom (husband out of town!) with bowls and bowls and bowls of beads and chain and findings. every so often, i'll get up to stretch, and just stare at the bowls of delightful colors, like a photograph from Gypsygirl's markets in India...mmmmmm....tasty! i am so in my element when i'm creating...so in The Zone...it's peaceful and meditative and so so wonderful. the brilliant sun shining in searching for it's own rainbow in the rows of clear colored glass...my diva's gentle snoring in the patch of sunlight that visits her on the rug by my feet...the blue jays and cardinals, strikingly gorgeous against the snow-covered evergreens, peer in at us as they stop for a bite to eat...this is It...this Is...every night before i fall asleep, i tell Diva she's my Reason...these past few days creating - filled with precious moment after moment of wonderment and gratitude - this, my friend, is Authentic. (quietly -) shalom now y'all. L.

brainstorming during the dukie dash

diva had tummy trouble last night, and during one of the many dukie dashes we did, i was thinking (this beautiful thought was not inspired by the action taking place, by the way...i just happened to have more time to think, given my awake state). wouldn't it be cool to do a "blessing of the month" type thing? have a group in place, and a leader to keep things going smooth, but here's how it would work: if you wanted to be part of it, let me know, and send me your snailmail address/phone number, email address. then, each person would get a list with names on it, and starting with month 1, you pick the name below yours on the list and make something for them, to be sent out by the last friday of the month. then move on to the next name. "make something" is kind of loose...are you a poet? then a poem written especially for that person would be the ticket. or an art quilt wallhanging. or whatever you truly feel like sending. make it your best. remember, you are there to bless the people on the list. and in doing so, are being blessed by others....some you know, and some not. i'd thought of doing it as an anonymous thing, with me sending out the names each month, but i honestly don't need that much more work! so decide if this sounds like a cool thing, and email me if you're interested, and can be true to deadlines & stuff: kitasmom at verizon dot net. if enough people are in, then we'd begin in january, after the madness, and go till we get through the list. if enough people sign up, then we can split it into more than 1 list, so it isn't a lifelong committment! so what do you think? also i forgot to tell you 2 things!! (hold on - diva is squealing by the back door - here we go again.) ok i'm back. with the making of the Snow Angel, it reminded me how much fun i had with the Random Acts Of Art thing, and have re-begun that! the idea is to make small pieces of art (ATC's etc) and leave them in public places for people to pick up and keep, or pass on. it's good to write "yes- this is for YOU" or similar on it, as most people won't touch what isn't theirs. fun! thing #2 that my menopausal brain just released from the vault: Debbie & I are starting our own collaboration! as you may/may not know, she is a Certified Feng Shui Master, trained in the authentic Chinese Tradition (not the Feng Shui like, put a piece of bamboo here & dance the hokey pokey). we are in the process of getting an etsy store going, and have something VERY special and VERY wonderful to fill it! i'll give you another heads up when it's stocked, but i feel so blessed to be able to work with debbie on this. she has such a down-to-earth spirit, and a no nonsense approach to her knowledge. i know, i just KNOW you will want every single thing in that store! hopefully by mid-December at the latest we'll be up & running. sorry for the tease, but it so close to my heart that i don't want to jinx it with imitators, etc. so - off to finish Georgia's quilt, and hopefully get more Christmas necklace orders finished! Be awesome today! and have you ordered your copy of Ordinary Sparkling Moments yet from Swirlygirl? i mean, Christmas is coming! don't embarass me here...i told her i knew just EVERYone and they ALL need copies. :) namaste, y'all. L.

"she tried"

who knew??

maybe you weren't aware that i am an ordained minister in 2 different churches....1 i take very seriously, and 1 ...well...you see for yourself : www.dudeism.com. it's good if you've seen The Big Lebowski. which i plan to do this weekend again - there's so much meat to it, you can't take it all in with 1 viewing. snick. so have a blessed day, y'all. L.

some for you?

i will be posting more soon...please feel free to contact me regarding pricing and availability...kitasmom at verizon dot net. L.

chocolate cake

here are a few places i love to check out: **http://www.davidnewmanmusic.com (he's coming to the yoga center by me in December!) **www.christinekane.com (she has a great commentary about the voice in our head that says "who do you think you are??") **http://www.ratical.org/many_worlds/6Nations/OL070391.html (faithkeeper of the Onondagas, Oren Lyons tells it like it is! a very long transcript of the interview, but worth every moment reading) **http://www.shetakesthecake.com/indexmain.php (you'll see!) so, just a little dessert for you. i am SO loving the idea of snow - at least the part where i can play in it. and snuggle up inside and look at it out there. and wear my favorite sweaters (that hide all the bulges!) Now, the shoveling part - blecchh. feh. today i did both...after the xcski Incident, i snuggled in and watched 2 movies...the sheer DECADENCE was worth every misspent second! i watched "Imagine You & Me" which was thought-provoking, and made me laugh so hard in one part that i was screaming SCREAMING. i also watched Practical Magic and realized that I so want to be the Diane Weist character....she looks exactly how i imagine i will look in a few years...her hair, her clothes, her attitude - all of it...it's who i am inside right now, sort of. with a few modifications. **so my Magic 8Ball question - will you be hearing me on morning radio again soon? anyway - offtrack as usual. so enjoy the links! L.

the great white tundra

ahhh yes! can i BE any more excited? NO I CAN'T! it snowed real good last night, and today i got to try out my new XC skiis!! never mind that it has been 30 years to the month since i last did this...it's like riding a bike, right? hmmm, now that i think about it, THAT was a little shaky upon re-entry, as well. anyway...i am so excited about having BREATH since i stopped smoking on august 14th, and have been looking forward to this moment. i decided i would do yoga & power walk in the spring/summer/fall, and do yoga & xc ski in the winter. nice plan, right? so i layer a few cottons on, put on my short-bus earflap hat, & head to the garage for my new skis! this will be so much fun. weird skis, hmm. okay all set. except the plow came and the road to the park is asphalt & salt, so across my neighbors yards i go...i mean, this should just be a matter of heaving ho and away i go, right? (heaving ho indeed, as i will soon know). oops - snowblower...good dodge. neighbor hysterical at the site of me, as he lights up a cigarette. asks if i have my cell phone. ha ha very funny. ok - the park. pure pristine snow. kinda deep snow. with sticky icy stuff under it that is sticking to my ski. and pulling my left leg back. way back. but the front one is going forward real well....hunh. oh ouch. ok. try again. now don't get discouraged. it's only been 5 minutes and it will take a bit SSSHHHIITTT the hill that goes straight into the pond!! THAT hill! crap. thank god for the bench. although i'll have a benchmark for some time. i made it down the "trail" to the echo echo tunnel...and i say Trail as if there was some groomed passageway with a martini bar set up and warming huts at intervals. no. this is Trail - as in where the Path would be if you could see it and it was summer. which it isn't. and i have 3" globs of sticky icy snow on 1 ski and not so much on the other. so i lift the ski up (you know what's coming, right?) i lift it up, you see, to clear away the clumps so i can better "ski" home. there are pine needles all jammed in this train wreck of a ski. and i say "ski home" as if that is indeed what i have done to get to where i am. in fact, it's been more of a march with skis on. i am sweaty and red-faced and puffing and now laying on my side in the snow because the 1 ski left on the ground suddenly WOKE up and ....skiied! before i was ready. so i ski-marched back toward my house. when i got to the road, i took off the skis so as not to alarm my neighbor. as i went past Debbie's house, a wimper escaped....she's been sick sick sick. she would have known what to do...she always does. so i jammed my poles & skis in the ground, walked to the center of her front yard and flopped down in the snow. and made a perfect snow angel for her. get well soon debbie, before i kill myself. you are my voice of reason, even without your voice. and so my friends, this is the Incident of the Heaving Ho. L.

i need a place to live

....for 2 incredibly wonderful kitties. (sorry for the gotcha - i'm desperate). when your stepdaughter calls from college, sobbing that her mother is taking her 2 declawed cats to the barn to live....what can you say? problrm: although Diva would be out of her natural puppy head (see previous posts re same) i am allergic. these cats have no idea how to hunt, and although they began as part of a litter that was born at this same barn, they have been raised in the lap of luxury. i should live so good, is how they live. for some reason known only to them, they have begun a spraying campaign, despite being best buds for 2 years. who knows what cats think? but i just can't have 2 spraying cats in my allergic face. 1 maybe. 2 - no. so you see what's happened here, don't you? these are now MY cats somehow. they are MY responsibility while husband hunts and stepper studies and diva pines. you know who gets the litterbox and the kleenex and 2 more mouths to feed? me - suckergirl. so help me...help me...call now...email now...put a little meow in your mix. i beg you. they come with all the usual accessories - litterbox, food bowls, dream house & corvette....i beg you call....L.

today, as one of my co-workers was let go (let go - sounds as if she had been straining to break free) i realized again how grateful i am for my part-time piece of the pie. despite the callers that were testing the limits of my limits and trampling on my zen, yes, today i was uber-grateful. through teeth that were clenched and a blood pressure reading that was non-human, yes. i would look at the empty desk and say Thank You. i drove home in my own car, came home to a warm house, opened the refridgerator and found food. Thank You. so many things to be grateful for. Thank You. mostly, at this second, i am grateful for a cuddly puppy because i am bushwhacked tired and grateful for my king-sized bed....to myself! husband is off on business. so an early goodnight to you...God Bless y'all. and i mean that. L.

spiritual GPS

i got lost. i was headed on the right path, and became distracted. and took directions from an unreliable source...my brain. my spirit said "this way." but the flashy lights and pretty pretties caught the brain's attention, even as the spirit said Oy. i'm finding my way back now...though the path backward is hard to follow - overgrown in parts. maybe if i sit quietly and close my eyes and breathe...maybe if i set an intention to follow my breath to my heart...to my spirit...maybe i won't have to backtrack quite the distance that it feels i must...maybe a nod to the spirit that, yes - you were right all along, maybe that would suffice...i think so...so i tell you here that i do truly and fully appreciate all of the magnificence that surrounds me and abides in me...i am in awe of the Presence of Love that would care about such a speck as me...as much as the hawks and the crows and bard owls and turtles and phesants and the smell of my woods and the powerful roll of waves on my lake and the tiny paw placed in my palm at night and true fierce friends that speak their minds and love intensely and all fine things given me burst my heart with joy - as much as all these wonderful things have been placed in my life, i will realize that they are gifts...gifts...gifts given to be appreciated...gifts selected by the giver for me...and i will be deeply grateful ever.

PS

Gingerbread Yoga Cookies At once modern and old-fashioned, they make perfect birthday, holiday or anytime gifts for discerning cookie lovers. These charming handmade cookies are both adorable and delicious. They are made with high-quality, natural ingredients and are baked fresh daily. Order them here or call 212 925-9097 between 10am and 6pm eastern standard time. Box of all 10 yoga poses, shown above: $35 I DO NOT COOK THESE....I FOUND THEM IN A MAGAZINE>

when wishes come true

be careful what you wish for, part deux. i am sick today. really yukky sick. fever / chills / bodily fluids. i wanted time to read my go-zillion books, and joked about a sick day. it was just a joke. *sigh* but the universe apparently does not understand the concept of "just kidding." i had to take Nyquil last night in order to sleep. i don't take it often at all (despite my jokes & references to it) because it does strange things to me. so i woke up this morning all sick & yukky, but humming "Aqualung" from Jethro Tull. now i may be old, but i haven't thought about Tull in a long time. i actually went to a Tull concert back in the day (and the tickets were an outrageous $6.50 at the prime of their career!) and didn't hum Aqualung THEN, so it tells you how bongo my brain gets on this stuff. go figure. but in my fevered haze throughout the morning, i dreamt of bearded men in Oliver-esque clothing playing the flute. oy. all i want is some chicken-and-stars soup, some grape soda with chipped ice and my woobie. DivaDog has plastered herself to my side and is keeping watch. so - time to recline. just be careful what you wish for! L.

from the cover of The Dance by Oriah Mountain Dreamer: What if the question is not why am i so infrequently the person i really want to be, but why do i so infrequently want to be the person i really am? ***And so begins the middle of a life well-lived, a garden tended with regularity, a heart open and willing to open further...yet this time with a gatekeeper and a watchman. as it should be with any precious vessel. ***i've signed up for a 2-day workshop/event of kirtan with David Newman (google him). i have no expectations or limitations. just....to be. ***there's an interesting pattern in my life or whatever....3 of the most influential women in my life could all be sisters...they are all physically similar - strikingly so, in fact. even their voices are very similar in tone and timbre and pacing. and their laugh is identical - even to my fussy ear. most importantly - their hearts are all from the same place, and their spirits all radiate the same peaceful confidence. and 2 of the 3 know each other, but weren't aware that i know both of them. they weren't aware of their physical similarities until i pointed them out. and 1 of the 3 has taken a class taught by 1 of the others. they have each come into my life at 1-year intervals for the past 3 years...just after my heartfelt prayer was for a role model. just a little math on this sunny afternoon. **last night i stopped at the bookstore to pick up some books i ordered and sunk headlong into the magazine section, coming up for air only when i had about 6 magazines stuck in my hands. i admit i have an extreme magazine addiction. i love getting them in the mail, but i get impatient and usually end up forgetting which ones i subscribe to and buy them also. oops. so right now i'm reading The Invitation, The Dance, The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, Ordinary Sparkling Moments (again), Living Zen, and the 6 magazines. i like to keep a book or magazine in the car, in case of traffic, or more likely "in case" i get somewhere early. the rest follow me around the house. the Dragon Tattoo is my breakfast book. lunch is a wildcard. after dinner Oriah, and bedtime is Sparkling Moments. and somehow, yes, i AM working on my CrowWoman. my other addction. ok gotta go........L.

in the air

it seems as though the past few weeks worth of unsettledness has transformed itself into a blue funk for so many. i am up and down like the stock market, as usual. but i've spent the past 4 hours on the phone on 2 seperate calls from 2 incredibly special women who are hurting in the deepest depths. one, for no reason she can point at, accuse, then dismiss. one, for reasons that would slice your heart open, and so shall remain off this page. others throughout the past week have spoken of a thickly decending fog of lethargy and sadness...otherwise strong, wise, confident women feeling....a little unsteady, a little unsure, a bit uncertain. perhaps the first nip of winter has come to steal a bit of warmth from the spirit...announcing it's arrival as it chills up the toes and shins, tensing the body as a shiver passes. winter is normally my season to hide out in the comfort of thick, cozy blankets in front of a roaring fire with at least 3 good books piled up next to me...to spend my days as if they were unnumbered...quietly and away...tucked into a shell, a cocoon. this winter will not win the tussle, though. i am determined to fight...with breath coming easy to these smoke-free lungs, i plan to take up my cross-country ski poles and head out to the Adirondacks...to tour my woods and nearby Beaver Lake...i plan to replace lethargy with exhaustion...and be sad only that a wonderfully-spent day has come to a close. i plan to do this. i am tired of being tired. i am angry at being depressed. and win or not, i will fight it this winter. i may need some help, and i know i can count on you. just as you know you can always count on me. by the way - i picked up The Invitation, and The Dance - both by Oriah Mountain Dreamer. is it possible to read 2 books at once?? go - order them. Linda

random

what is your deepest, darkest fear/want/need? you don't have to post it if you don't want to. mine? hmmmm. that You won't Know me. i think it's why i talk so much. you?

(THIS PICTURE IS NOT CROWWOMAN) (just so you know) i've been up since 5:17am working on CrowWoman. in the middle of it all, i got an urgent idea for an altered book. so i had to stop everything and work on the book. i made it with a particular person in mind, so i can't show it here. i have to be sneaky and figure out how to get it to the person without them knowing it is from me. i love doing that! hmmmm. oh well, it'll come to me. right now, my knees feel like they are perma-straightened from standing still for so long. i did take a quick break while Perfectly Beautiful stepgirlchild and her brother came by for brunch. that ended loudly & quickly, as do most of husband's family gatherings. so hard to keep your spirit centered with everyone trampling on your zen. but i suspect you already know that i took a slight deviation from my usual mild mannered self and detonated in the midst of it all. ahh. peacefulness again. i did not grow up in an arguing household, and this is tiring. but i suspect it will be very quiet here for some time now. namaste y'all.

lunch with a monk

If you're ever missing a monk, check Target....trust me on this one. L.

thanks for asking - i'm feeling raw and exhausted. and a little too edgy to trust myself with a post i wouldn't regret, so i'll stop now. i'm having lunch with my friend deb & some Tibetan monks saturday, so hopefully i'll be feeling more centered & strong by then & will give a full report. L.

i'm sitting here in the corner of my couch...my cozy spot...i've been up since 5am working on CrowWoman...my knees and back scream for rest, so i give in for a bit. diva & i had an extended snuggle, with much kitty-like head rubbing and belly show-offs on her part (she thinks she's a kitty - if only she'd use a litterbox at 3am)...i adore her...she's my Reason...i am grateful for being entrusted with her little big life...out my window, the nuthatches and cardinals have given over the feeder to the loud blue jays...they bombardier in screeching and warning away any other bird...except the mourning dove...can i say, i think i know why they have such a small head? oy. the sun slants in through the window, warming my face. and big, wet, blobby tears trace down my cheeks. oh how i need you...your kind words like a balm...your reassurance that makes me feel so strong, so able, so silly for ever doubting how strong & able i am, can be, with reassurance. today i will allow myself the luxury of tenderness...i will be gentle with myself...i will dream plans as i hope for healing...i will count my strengths and shore up my boundaries...i will eat ice cream for breakfast, and walk my woods with a determination...and as certain as i am that tomorrow will be another day, i will become certain that tomorrow will start another lifeplan. L.

i have been up for hours ...heeding the call of my CrowWoman...a most demanding piece of art she is...all quiet till i thought i'd lose my mind - now CAW demanding at all hours, as an "ah-ha" hits me on just how to attach this or that...and 3 times so far i've had to just stop...and breathe...and re-read the last post about The Invitation. i've heard from so many of you in emails about it...the fire re-warms and recreates...and yes, i would unquestionably stand in the midst of fire with You...and yes, i would lay face down screaming to god in grief with You....and yes, splashdance thru the shallows of my Lake with You, giddy with love for a plus sign...yes to all of you...thank you to all of you - for letting me in to know you with that curiousity of mine...for it's not just wanting to hold the china to the light, or turn it to look for the makers mark...you know it's just me wanting to Know you ...my heart, and my soul caring enough about you to care what it is that you are about. and thank you for returning that to me. now off to wire up some spoons. don't ask. L.

rip-off

i'm sorry - i don't ever do this, but the words i'm about to cut & paste were stolen from Sparkletopia.com ....and they are so meaty and so wonderful and so exactly what i've been feeling and trying to articulate but haven't been able to...when i read these words, tears just welled up...my heart said YES YES YES! THIS IS WHAT I MEANT! and an audible "Ohhh" escaped from deep within. Please visit www.sparkletopia.com for the real deal, but here is my rip-off, with all apologies to Christine - thank you for sharing this on your site. it's from the book, The Invitation, by Oriah Mountain Dreamer. (just a quick note...you should all have put in orders for Christine's book, "Ordinary Sparkling Moments" by now. don't make me tsk). now breathe in these words of life: The Invitation It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing. It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive. It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it. I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human. It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy. I want to know if you can see beauty, even when it's not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence. I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "YES!" It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed your children. It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back. It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments. --Oriah

so the last few days, weeks, have been such a learning time...a sinking in of things already known on a certain level - a re-learning of things that have drifted away from the heart as Life drifted in and swirled around, all chaotic-like, as Life is wont to do from time to time. the Illusionists seen for what they are....the wish-they-weres seperated from the tribe...spaceclearings and gathering in...although i am a very closed person when i first meet someone, once that initial Friend Or Foe moment has passed, i tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, or at least have it peeking out of a front pocket. if you borrow it and don't take good care with it...your bad. i have a spare, but tend to not give out all-access passes. all this said, i have realized limits with some tendrils of friendships, and honestly feel they have come, and now gone, in a wistful, and relieved, conclusion...they held purpose and edification for both sides for a time...and that time has past...yet each of us still held to our end of a golden thread that was way too frayed to hold tight. i have been blessed with so many incredible women (and a few men) in my life that i count as HeartFriends...soulmates...and best of all - the favor has been returned in their feelings toward me. and those soulmates i walk side by side with, hand in hand, in step. always grateful...always grateful. so as The Rockin' Ladies of the 80's blasts in my ears thru my Diskman, i'm off to make art. wishing you friends as true and wonderful as the ones i have..........L.

is it just me?

you know, for the most part, my life has been the very definition of chaos. and mostly that's been okay. actually, it has been kind of fun & interesting. i mean, i would love to have one of those lives that goes along la-la-la and everything is wonderful. but since life, real life, isn't even like that on TV, then the chaos that has been my life has been an acceptable trade-off. i have been blessed with an extremely active sense of humor, so Incidents that happen are just fodder for my own amusement. not to dissapoint you, not much unusual has happened today - othr than the thunderstorm (???) going on right now....diva has gone all weenie on me and keeps walking across my lap/laptop. so anyway, where was i? Things Happen to me that Only Happen To Me. i guess it's a badge of honor and also a cross to bear. **fake sigh** i accept my role as the Universe's clown/pinata/warm-up band. and you know, it's all good. for where would i be without chaos? without the 2am skunk fight? or the car that just rolls to it's untimely demise following my shopping spree? or having the waistband of my slip just expire and fall to the ground as i stand backlit by the sun in my white skirt in front of a very large conference room bank of windows that contain many, many industrial-type men i must now give a presentation to? or OR the time i caught my heel (yes i wore slips and heels at a stupid, misguided point in my life) i caught my heel on the 3rd carpeted step of 12 more to come and tumbled - in a skirt a SKIRT - to the very center of an office in a bomb factory. in front of the most handsome man i had yet met who had, in fact, just invited me to see the Stones in concert at the Palladium the next weekend. he never followed up. thank goodness, shallow man. he probably would have ended up my 3rd husband. and the THEN there was the time ...oh you get the point. my life has not been without it's moments that make you go "aaarrrrggghhh" in the moment just before you fall asleep...just when you take that step over into la-la land...something from somewhere hits a synapse that triggers a burst of adrenaline that pops open your eyes and a sweat gland opens up just a tad. then the horror of the 20-year old moment plays across a screen in front of you and that "aaarrrggghhh" charlie brown sound escapes from your lips...no actually comes from somewhere in your gut...it forms fully in your throat and as you begin to relive every last detail of the horrificality of that one moment - that nanosecond that last forever, a part of your brain is saying NO! that was 20 years ago for God's sake! why are you torturing us like this? and another part of your brain starts to thank it, and you realize that there is a continuation to the statement...and it goes like this.."why? 20 years ago - enough with that already. there have been FAR WORSE things that happened just 15 years ago...10 years ago...last week, even..." so now you know you have to start all over again with the sheep-counting...maybe a swig of nyquil. and you know, when you re-run into the most handsome man who you met while vertically-challenged in a bomb factory, and he's gained oh, maybe 60 pounds, and he looks like oh, maybe your grandfather except he still thinks he's 20 years younger and slicker than snot on a doorhandle...then when you say Hey! Remeber the time i fell down the stairs at the bomb factory when we went there to sell them industrial adhesives? And he says NO. then you realize that maybe your biggest ARRRGGH isn't such a big thing in the face of a lot of other things. maybe it's just late late. and you've had too much ice cream. and have pms. and everything else just stinks stinks stinks. so the brain tried to distract and amuse you from the task at hand (sleep) because it would be impossible anyway, given that you have 20 new real-imagined pounds of excess water weight on each hip since yesterday. it was misguided, but it's heart was in the right place, the brain. so you decide to go easy on it and realize that 20 years later, it really was pretty funny after all...thump thump...briefcase filled only with a tuna sandwich and some business cards...crash thump....stupid shoes anyway. i can tell you with certainty - i bounce. and so goodnight to all! L.

Intention

Intention. Intention. at the beginning of yoga class, my instructor asks us to define our Intention for our practice. to focus on our Intention for our practice. we breathe with our Intention. it becomes life-giving and allows movement, our Intention. ahhhhhhhh. Intention. so many people that i know are questioning Intention...theirs, their friend's, their So-Called friend's, Intentions for writing, or do-ing or dreaming or hoping. I have always felt that Intention is one of the strongest forces available to us. it is the Intention behind something that makes that Thing what it is...good or bad...blessing or curse, and on & on. if i was walking beside you and shoved you aside, you'd surely be upset and perhaps raise your fists reday to Go. but what if you discovered that my Intention was to push you out of the way of a falling brick? oh. same movement....different Intention. giving a bucket of money to a person who's fallen on a hard time has good Intention. withholding it from someone who is controlled by drug addiction has the same good Intention. so all this rambling. my Intention (smile), if you allow me to sound schoolteacher-ish, is to say that if we (each of us ) live our lives with Good Intention in our hearts & actions, then any misinterpretation, or advantage-taking on the part of someone else is their own issue to dissolve. way back When, it was my Intention with this blog to expel some of the intense grief i felt at Kita's death. sort of a Dear Diary. i didn't care if anyone read it, and felt quite anonymous, actually. i'm not a paper & pencil journal person. i think better through a keyboard. and although lately my words have been running from me, and yes, i have a tendancy to make up my own words as i go, i still feel the need to put my random thoughts to virtual paper. there is no other Intention. "the blog" as a format (not MINE, just blogs in general - maybe everyone's BUT mine) has become a launching pad for a phenomenon of Blogstars. which, if i'm honest....i think is amazing and wonderful. to be able to share your thoughts, dreams, creations in a format that can be freely accessed around the world - amazing! i have no Intentions or desires to be a blogstar, in case you wondered. if elected, i will not serve. as if. but if you read my blog, i hope it makes you happy somewhere, or you feel a connection sometimes. if you think i'm dorky or goofy or spoiled or shallow, well, there are other places to read what connects with you. and that's okay. comment or not...i leave that forum open for you. this is my spot to gather my thoughts and perhaps share some with you. so back before i got completely off track (a habit of mine), i guess i wanted to say that right now, today, there is a shaking and a shifting and a clearing away going on in so many people's lives...seperating the wheat from the chaff...examining their lives and holding close the good and that which rings true, and perhaps packing away that which no longer fits. sometimes gently and wistfully. sometimes a little kick to the curb. like habits...like my smoking. like, sometimes relationships that aren't life-giving. sad to say it happens. what's worse - continuing to poison one another or making a little distance for healthy growth? this is true with girlfriends, husbands, boyfriends, jobs, etc. And the discomfort and unease and kid-in-the-grocery-store-past-nap-time feeling some are having....perhaps it's a call from the Instructor to examine our own Intention...our own reason for the relationship...the job...the whatever is rubbing and chafing and causing discomfort...perhaps the reason for the discomfort is to call attention away from the business-as-usual approach to that area...and maybe the Intention going out, or coming in is not in alignment with your path...the fix is easier than easy. Find your Intention...focus on your Intention...Honor your Intention. if others come with dishonorable Intention, walk away. or Know it for what it is and accept it. don't let another's bad Intention, action, desires, etc, foul the pure air that is the breath you breathe in deeply to your core....now release it ....ahhhhhhhhh. L.

i've been up for hours. thinking. feeling. gauging. trying on different thoughts and feelings, turning this way and that in my mind's mirror to see which was most best. the change in seasons does that to me. as i pack away the capri pants and t-shirts, my spirit is also shaking things out and making a pile for Goodwill. or garbage. or To Keep. what still fits...what is best let go of...what will still be good & integral. much like that perfect pair of jeans you can always depend on to fit just right, some things Inside are perfect and wonderful and such a Basic to what makes me Me. some Things have been outgrown, and need to be recognized as such. i'm feeling that now is the time to spend some time quietly...thoughtfully...taking all the gifts of summer, and autumn, and really looking at them...how they've integrated...how they've changed Me...what doesn't ring true, and needs to get metaphorically folded and gotten rid of. cleaning house. space clearing. purging. call it what you may. but it's not so much a getting-rid-of as it is a time to appreciate every Good Thing that has come my way this year. the busy-ness has not allowed for thoughtful consideration or proper thankfulness. and the Goodnesses that have come deserve individual acknowledgement and full attention to how they have helped me on my path. and you have been a part of that Goodness. and i thank you. deeply. truly. with feelings that can't be expressed. you don't realize sometimes how a small kindness done without thinking and at the exact perfect moment can start a chain reaction that makes for an avalanche of Goodness that begins to spread out and reach others. so very cool indeed. i am so damn lucky to have each of you in my life. i must have done something uber-fantastic in another life. L.

Calling All...

as this autumn draws to a close, it seems a viral case of malaise has gripped so many...some stepping back from their blogs or public lives to curl in for a bit....to gather themselves around themselves like a big, comfy sweater...to get fetal for a bit, but think Big Girl thoughts...as the seasons begin to step forward yet again, Something has accompanied the chill in the air this year...an unease...a not-comfortable-with-where-i-am...so many feeling it...not a Total Change feeling, but more like Where To Now? what's the next step? So many feeling the feeling of change to come...so very like autumn to close in this way...feel excited along with the wariness. Change has a way of sending a Front Man ahead to open doors and find fertile ground...watch for it...this could be really good! how are you feeling these days? tired-ish? lost? afraid to take the next step? feeling like an imposter? or maybe fierce and warrior-like? able & strong? fearless? are you there? i miss you. L.

double dare ya

...not to laugh.... http://www.break.com/index/try-not-to-laugh.html now. also. HAPPY BIRTHDAY BROSEPH! it's too nice to be inside staring at this box...so have a good afternoon...shalom y'all!

a PERFECT day

it was! perfect in every moment! i'll give you the details, because it was extra-ordinary and i don't want to spill a drop of it....when i woke up this morning, i had an inkling to go to canandaigua, but for some reason kept getting pulled to skaneateles. i was going to invite my neighbor, but just thought "no." so off i went into the glorious fall sunshine...the amber and reds screaming LOOK AT ME all along the back roads...me screaming loudly & out of tune to Jonatha Brooke Live (the CD - she wasn't in my car)...got to my favorite store on the lake and shopped like it was my job...found The Most Incredible Skirt and a bunch of other stuff. i love love love this store because they have clothes that FIT, clothes that are only found in THAT store, and clothes that are Way More Stylish than CNY. and they have a resident dog to play with. and yes it's pricey, but not as bad as you may think. so i feel like a thousand bucks when i leave there. okay, so shopping done...i need a chocolate skinny vodka valium latte just to believe my good fortune! pop in for a visit at my girlfriend's gallery and she wants to feature some of my work for the holidays! oh my head will explode! then another quick trip to the artist co-op, and they've decided to accept commission art and would i be interested? hmm. uh yep. so i head home before my pumpkin head goes all blammo. decided to go find a nice pair of brown boots to go with the swell skirt i got. oh! a detour on 321...down a skinny 1-and-a-half lane road with more hairpin curves than Nascar. whew out onto the real road. now right turn onto Route 5, and , and , and....car goes into a slow glide with no brakes, power steering or really much of anything. it comes to it's final rest just before someone's wide wide driveway, at the widest part of the shoulder for miles around. Luckily i still have the keytag from my mechanic on my keyring! i call and warn him that we've got a date...he's slammed he says...really busy. And you know, here i am in my car at the side of the road and i have a choice: i can get really really upset...or not. i choose Not. it's a beautiful day...i'm not late for anything...i'm safe...i have a cell phone and roadside assistance...so why get ticked? so i told my (only honest) mechanic to keep the car till monday (once i get it there). he kind of laughs, and is in a better mood. i get a tow truck there (finally) and no kidding - it's a company i used to send out when i worked at 911, and i always wanted to meet the driver! i'm not sure if it's the same one, so i introduce myself, and hurl myself caber-like into the passenger seat of the Huge flatbed tow/wrecker. the driver is the owner, Gastone, and soon we are chatting it up. i love Gastone because he is handsome, and is genuinely amused at my Quebecoise French, and not just thinking "stupid girl from America thinking she speaks french." During a momentary lull, he comments that i seem awfully happy for someone who's car is up high and looking in his back window (my words there). i said "There are worse things." so this put him in a good mood, since i wasn't going to be a shreak-er or cry-er or grumble-er. we talk about cars, and Garmins and stuff. now, my roadside assistance is provided free of charge from my car insurance...you get what you pay for. i fully expect to pay Big American bucks when we arrive the 20 minute drive to my Honest But Frazzled Mechanic. he says "sign here and we're even." to my shocked look, he said i'd put him in such a good mood, it was worth more than what he could have charged me. the Pumpkinhead is about to blow! i mean, it was a Perfect day already...then THAT! i mean, yes - my car broke down. bummer. BUT - if it had happened 5 minutes sooner (literally), i would have been careening down hairpin curves on a 90-degree slant with no steering or brakes. if it had happened 5 minutes later, there wouldn't have been anywhere for the tow truck to turn around & get in position. i was safe, it was beautiful out, it was quiet in my car. as a result of my attitude choice, at least 2 other people got smiles in their hearts. AND i still have the perfect skirt and other stuff! so you tell me....wasn't it a perfect, lucky day? L.

so here i am...procrastinating. it's just that my project, CrowWoman is really ticking me off....she isn't telling me what i need to know in order to finish her...in fact, i'm pretty much stalled, yet i feel like i want to dig in and work on her. she's majestic....but naked. frustrating. last night i went to bed at 8:30 (ahh the joys of having the house to myself!) after feeling overwhelmingly nauceous from the chantix. woke up at 2:30am ...made some coffee, with all intentions of working in my studio. let diva out and hit the studio with an idea for a fiber piece. after i cut the fabric for the base, i heard this muffled sound...not scary, but persistant. i followed the sound back to my room with my big, empty, cozy king-sized bed, and LO! it was my pillow! i could distinctly hear it now, saying "come back to bed...just for a minute...pleeeeeze!" what could i do? i mean, my pillow was begging BEGGING i tell you. so i got back into bed for a minutefewhours. re-woke at 9-ish and re-began my decision-making process on CrowWoman. in order to trick my mind into solution-izing, i decided to busy the brain elsewhere...my other decision...yes, it's time for haircut trauma. and in the grand sceme of life - not even a speck of a fleck of matter on the Importance Scale. so - the perfect distraction. and in fairness, i'll probably just drive down the street to the same old same old haircut, color, blowdry & hives. (i don't know what she uses, but it's itch-producing). yes i know i'm rambling like an idiot. i'm PROCRASTINATING. but enough. i'll try a power walk. and stop boring you. oy. what a disconnected day so far. i need a quiet circle around me ...that'll do the trick. ok - off to make that happen. L

so it's a beautiful fall day. no...actually, it's one of the most magnificent fall days ever contrived by Nature. ever. yesterday was pretty spectacular as well...the maples starting to show off their intense yellows, oranges and reds, as only a maple can do. i took myself out arting yesterday - the art guild i used to be a member of had their show, then i went to the potter's in the village to see some amazing altered books in her gallery. today...a long walk with diva, then some wonderfully relaxing & productive studio time - broken up with bits of play time for diva. luckily i can transport this sculpture outside to work on. SO you picture me here smiling and blissed-out, right? au contraire. i decided to rest my arms and check in on some other blogs. i came across a video someone made at Squam. at the end, there was this: because once you are seen for who you really are, you can never go back to a half dimmed life... you matter. you are enough. shine on. Damn. the emotions surfaced again. tears spilled down my cheeks. a full honking tissue rescue ensued. the gentle push...the quiet guidance...again the path of least resistance is shown for it's bramble-covered, moss-slippery reality...a paintbrush is no machete to clear back overgrown vines that strangle the path...and yet, so nearby so faraway, the sandy delight of smooth stones and seashells lead to the warm breezes and shushhing surf...ignorance may not be bliss, but...

check this out... http://www.geh.org/parkeharrison/index.htm 2 words to describe this: a-mazing! sorry about the cut & paste...it is indeed worth the old school effort! L.

i am not alone

before you get all weepy and sentimental...read on. now, y'all know how i feel about kids - teenagers in specific, right? so tonight i snap the news on for a brief moment, and there's a story about a Huge Oops in Wording in a Nebraska law...the one that a lot of other states have where you can drop a newborn off at a safe place with no consequence? that law? newborn? okay so far. except NEBRASKA'S law accidentally reads "child," not "newborn" or "infant" or "very very young human usually under the age of, oh say, a week-ish". just says "child." so in Nebraska, 1 hospital has experienced 17 drop-offs. all teenagers. now in Real Life, this is sad that a family would come to that. especially in the area where Boystown has it's roots. (1 family alone was responsible for 9 drop offs). but looking at from a someone myopic, sideways-kinda perspective, somebody somewhere in Nebraska had to have spellchecked, edited, re-checked and photocopied that particular piece of legislation at least a dozen times before pronouncing it fit for publishing, so i have to think...it's not just me. speaking of which They're home for a brief, yet distruptive visit till sunday. wish us all luck! L. oh hell - it starts - the dog just barfed from commotion. i could just turn MYSELF in to Nebraska. i'm still considered someone's child, right? off to shopvac. L.

flashback

while looking for something else, i found this.... yes. me. before. that was my first thought..."before." "before what?" the brain asked. the heart said, "shush." the mouth called diva over for pets and busied the hands with puppybelly rubs. the mind rolled across endless asphalt to the woods in NH. Thank you for seeing me.

some new stuff

a little blurry...sorry...

the Grandmothers

yesterday, my friend Deb & I went to beautiful Ithaca to see The Grandmothers speak (http://www.womensgathering.com/the_grandmothers). With all that wisdom, i had high hopes of enlightenment. not so much, though, i must say. maybe later in the week at other events. each Grandmother spoke for 5 minutes, and really....not a real lot was said. but ohhh...the faces! the eyes. the hands. there was one woman (a daughter of a grandmother) who i felt totally drawn to...couldn't take my eyes off her...there was such a beautiful spirit about her...and all at once she turned her head and stared right at me, as if she felt my eyes. i wasn't sure it was ME she was looking at - there were plenty of other people around, and i tend to think i'm invisible. but when she looked at me, the pure love that came across made me tear up and smile....and she smiled the biggest smile back. THAT'S how i knew. i nick-named her Keeper of the Kleenex...she seemed to have a never-ending supply of kleenex in her bag, and whenever someone onstage needed one, she'd haul out a handsome handful! Audrey Shenendoah (from our Onondagas) was invited, and she spoke briefly, welcoming the Grandmother's into her Nation's Territory. She thanked them for recognizing her, and inviting her to be there. She said, so often, people will come from other tribes into their Nation territory and never acknowledge them. That just put the whole thing about sovereignty and the different Nations into snap-perspective for me. having grown up in an area surrounded by 5 Nations, i tend to think, "oh - the Res." But in that moment it crystallized for me that these were a group of people who are a nation within a nation...oh...hard to explain. ok - what if neighbors from 2 streets away showed up and had a block party on our street because theirs was being paved? and didn't invite any of us? that's the simplest i can get it. my cousin-in-law is dating the Tadadaho (spiritual leader) of the Onondagas, and i was incredibly blessed to meet him at husband's granma's 97th birthday party a few weeks ago. so all this is very cool and circling some conclusion or point in my life. not sure what. i feel a ramble coming on, so i'll just shut up. speaking of grandmothers...diva is staying overnight again at Camp Grandma! i have the house to myself and fully intend to work on CrowWoman. i say "intend." we'll see ....enjoy the pictures! L.

the eagle has landed

(SEE SEPT 30th) oh and PS - the package has been delivered! Thank you Fedex, and thank you T.Parker Front Desk for signing for it - whoever you are. now, as promised ...CANDY. L.

save the chickens/mystery date candidate

okay - i promise i will eventually get to the point, but it's a winding road...you expect nothing less from me, don't pretend surprise. i have a plan to save the chickens. this is the time of year when our thoughts and passions seemed super-tuned on politics. i feel this from all around, as i have had my email box jammed with well-meaning friends' warnings and counter-warnings about different candidates. (i know y'all mean well, but please stop. or at least verify the legitimacy of the article before clicking it around the world. that's just bad manners). so anyway back to my Plan. it seems that each candidate spends an inordinate amount of time buffling and retracting and defending, and it's hard to get a bead on what exactly their plan is to un-boondoggle this mess. so...we scrap the whole system and do it my way. anyone, and i mean anyone, who wants to throw their hat into the ring will submit a typed, double-spaced and spell-checked paper on what their concerns are for the country and how they would resolve them. in detail. the names are exchanged for "candidate #1, candidate #2" etc. No One knows who they are. a special publication is distributed to every man/woman/child/beast in the land. we can also have a moderator read each paper over the course of a few days on national TV...we can pre-empt 2 night's shows. we really can. pretend it's the Olympics. so, now anyone who has made any type of effort will have the candidates views, plans, etc available. find one that makes sense and vote for them. done. simple. no political advertising allowed. just this double-blind method. anyone caught divulging identities is kicked out. now to my point...since there are virtually no costs involved, due to the No Campaigning rule, and No Advertising rule, think of all the over-priced fund-raising dinners that won't need to be held. most of them consisting of a nice vegetable in season, a potato of some sort, and yes...chicken. so that, my friends, is how we will save the chickens. make sense? L.