mmmm...i have a mug a Ginger Pear tea at my elbow and am trying not to just swig it down! so good! what an incredible weekend, workwise. art work-wise. i got all but 3 of my felted pieces mounted and ready for the show....the last 3 needed some burlap behind them, so i had to come home, cut it and i'll go back to the shop on wednesday. the new Gratitude blog is up and running, and my etsy shop all spiffed and ready for the shelves to fill! i have some pieces ready to go - just waiting on photos. and i haven't decided if i'll wait on the jewelry for a few weeks, and do t-shirts , or the other way around. it depends on my silk screening tonight, i guess! i worked at a semi-icky job for a while at a print shop that also did embroidery and silk screening. my plan was to get in and learn the embroidery machines and silk screening, but i left before that came about. the owner is an exemplary man, and it was an honor to work for someone with his work ethic. the only other good thing that came out of the job was meeting Perfect Princess Patti, whom i ADORE! what else can you say about someone that, when asked how she is, answers "perfect!" every time. every time. makes me smile. luckily she is so nice and of true heart & spirit, because she's so Barbie doll pretty, you'd want to knock her down otherwise! there is no one else i'd rather spend a day with playing with glue and glitter! she is tiara worthy. so i am wishing you a bountiful week full of great good things, and smiles, and giggles. and some awesome Ginger Pear tea! L.

yippee, i think!

so some crazy/good things have been happening...and i thank you all for your calls and emails, though i wish y'all just POST the darn comment, but oh well. so i have decided i will keep this blog...being the constant communicator that i am, i can hardly contain myself at an arm's distance, so it's inevitable. the next 2 weeks will be mad busy though...i am launching my etsy shop (yippee!) and also preparing for a gallery show (double yippee with a side of fries!). i'm showing some of my Nuno felted pieces, and let me tell you how labor intensive it is to make a piece...VERY, okay? like harder than giving birth to the actual sheep that provided the wool for the roving...that hard. so by the time i'm done with it, i never i mean ever want to lay my eyes upon it again. so pricing is hard. today i was at the art supply store where i love everyone. they set up a special area for me in the back room so i could try to mount these beauties...it's like nailing Jello to a wall. try mounting a sweater, say, in an attractive way so that people will pay big American dollars for it. yeah, okay. so anyway, one of the clerks came in and was all about this one piece, and she said, "dare i ask how many thousands that one is??" i'm thinking, "Thousands??" like, if it doesn't sell, you can HAVE it. so maybe i'm just undervaluing my work due to the exhaustion involved. i know for sure in this area, the only thing people will pay thousands for is a snowmobile or some electric fencing. I'd quote Grandma Lana and say they wouldn't pay a nickel to see Christ jump off the cross, but that would be so far past what i consider taseful, that i'll let it go by. plus i bought a lottery ticket and don't want to jinx it. so i'm real tired and have a looong day tomorrow back in the art supply store dungeon, so check out the new place here. i'll still be here but the other place is self-sufficient and kind of fun. so 'night y'all, and shalom to you. Linda

it's (almost) here!

fluffy kitty and so long

so the sign over our dryer now warns you to check for cats before closing door. there should be duplicate signs on the washer, dishwasher, closets, fridge...anything that can open. no the cat did NOT go around and around, i was emptying at the time. ***so the past year has been one of frantic self-examination, trying to figure out Who Am I now in this portion of my life? i say "frantic" because rather than sitting back and trying to reason it out, i've been trying it out for size...do i like xc skiing? am i a smoker? best suited for single life? what about fill-in-the-blank. and then taking those pieces and trying to make a picture of something familiar. experiences mirrored back in friends' faces...relationships kept, and those left behind. taking the pieces of these and looking for a familiar comparison to be able to say Ah-Ha! i remind me of so-and-so. it's a strange place...one day volatile and moody, another perky and happy...as hormones ebb and overflow...realizations dawn...day-to-day needs tending. and certainly to keep everything in perspective. and i know it sounds like all i do is hang out with myself all day thinking thoughts about myself-my-wonderful-self, but the truth is very different. one of the things i learned about myself is that i care deeply about my friends. i wish the very most incredible best for them, and will do whatever i can (if needed) to help that happen. and not for a thank you or pat on the back or an emotional IUO. there are a lot of things that have been done on your behalf that you don't know a thing about. but for all my seeming shallowness and drama-du-jour at times, i care so much about my friends. it's sometimes difficult for me to express it in person, so i sometimes fill our face time with wordswordswords...if i keep talking, you won't go, and i like being here with you so much. that type of thing. as i've said before, i started this blog to try to express my feelings of grief over losing my best friend, Kita. and as that grief guided me through the next phase of my life and became a sweet remembrance, i grew with it, and shared that freely. i've always written my thoughts and happenings as if i was writing a personal letter to each of my friends. that's just what came naturally. and some days i was feeling all Earthwoman, and some days just plain cranky and Earthworm, and i let that be. i tried to share things i've learned and things i've experienced. and sometimes, i wondered if i shared too much...me, ever the constant communicator. (no wonder i get paid to talk!). i am again questioning the purpose of this blog at this point. to use it as an emotional barf, or to just post nice pictures, or share frustrations & Good Things seems a bit self-centered and, frankly, boring for you. to just write all the good parts and leave out the burnt part is unacceptable to me, and should be to you, as well. where's the happy medium? and why do i even write this blog? i have no ETSY shop to promote, and most of you contact me by email anyway. my immortality is assured by the graffiti i wrote on a wall in 9th grade, so it isn't that. so i think i'll take some time and retool and rethink. decide if what i have to say and share is worth the time to post it. i guess i thank you, D, for your email because it made me wonder all this stuff. so y'all...bye for a while. please continue to email me, or i'll surely get way too lonely! and That can only lead to Trouble! xox L.

quickie for now

i have many pictures to share, but no time....so i give you this for now.... by the way...i saw Slumdog Millionaire with my shiny friend Gail...(pics to follow)...one of the most intense and wonderful movies...very intense...jump out of your seat and forget to breathe intense...however, it seems by all accounts to be a very real portrait of the Other India. i have friends who know, you know. so i recommend it highly, but with advisory. it is quite violent, but not in way that is common - not just to be violent and gory, but to tell the story. AND - don't leave till the credits are done...you'll miss a good part. a secret part. but not so much a secret now, i guess. ** so, how DO you say "thank you" to someone who takes all the scraps from the unfinished quilts you've half-made, and makes The Most Beautiful quilt for you? how? and what an allegorical gift. and warm. so i'll just say: a great and good and from the depths of my heart teary-eyed i don't deserve this but i love it and you will not never i say ever get it back thank you. it's wonderful, gail. you are a most thoughtful and generous person. and we'd All like to borrow your husband-who-must-be-worshiped for giving up his mancave garage and making a sewing room for you, yet staying manly. so the Gail post must end now...diva calls. loudly. and i will post some startling and thought-provoking pictures tomorrow. spring is just around the corner. i just know it. L.

eye of the tiger, baby

okay, so i thank you one and all for your supportiveness...truly! wow. who knew? and here's a weird thing...as i read emails and comments, i started to realize 2 things: 1) that there are a whole lotta wonderful people in the world - not a superficial wonderful..."W"onderful (big dubya on the word)- and that i know most of them(!), AND 2)the words of comfort also started to prick at my spirit and conscience a bit as i realized just how pathetic i was being. i mean, i had a stumble, not a fall...i still have a home, clothes, too many cats, a diva dog, and Plenty-and-Enough. i started to feel a bit ashamed of my attitude as i looked around the world, and even as close as Paducah, KY, where the thought of a luxury such as an addiction to overcome would probably make someone mayor of the village. so i grabbed the straps of my cowgirl boots, saddled up my inner Phoenix, channeled Grandma Lana, made an altar to my totem animals, sent regards to Jesus, Buddha, Shiva, Ganesh, threw salt over my shoulder, hugged a tree, kissed a frog, dialed up Eye Of The Tiger on my iPod, and once again felt strong and ready. (okay, i did none of those things, y'all know i'm kidding, right? Right??) but i did, in a very quiet moment, realize some things about myself, and did a slight paradigm shift. one thing i was beating myself up about was weight. i've gained close to 30 pounds these past few months. oh how i wished i could wear those cute little sweat pants that roll down at the waist showing off a cute little pierced navel! and seeing Gwen Stefani all buffed up after having kids...well, that just made the goal seem even more possible, yet unreachable. so this morning, as i stood outside on a freezing snowbank waiting for diva to find Just The Right Spot, i was funking out to Mary J Blige's Family Affair , and noticed that my neighbor (the school psychologist) had come out to let her dog out also...and she was amazed - not at the snow volume - but what had befallen her eyes! here was an older, suburban white woman, standing outside in near-single digit weather, cigarette in 1 mittened hand, hair all askew, wearing an old barn coat over a powder blue bathrobe. and this woman, her neighbor mind you, the neighbor's neighbor (me), was either A)having some sort of seizure, B)was on fire and trying to put herself out, or most likely and most unfortunate C)thought she was indeed a Fly Girl. not as in insect, but as in "Yo,Flygirl." and the instant, the very moment i tell you, that i realized that She realized it was Choice C Alex, a flash of an epiphany hit me: i was reaching for goals that i should have left behind, oh let's say 30 years ago. (and also that i have NO NONE NADA sense of rythym and ought not have disrespected Mary J like that anyway). (did i ever tell you i met her? at my katie's funeral, unfortunately). but my point is that perhaps i am expecting a bit too much from myself in some areas...not so much having good, healthy, stretch-yourself goals, but more like Updating or turning once again and looking at the wonderful path ahead. i missed out on most of my 20's...hell, to be fair - all of them. and maybe that's why these issues keep coming up...maybe i keep trying to have a do-over of that decade. but it just isn't possible. and that's not a bad thing. there are so many fabu things that i CAN do now, that i couldn't then, so to try to do the 20's now...well, that would waste my time NOW in my never-mind-how-old's. and is there nothing i mean nothing more pathetic than an older woman trying to be hip, cool, hot, whatever? (broseph: think Mrs. Vergara's mother at the pool!) and i am at peace with that. so yes, i was around for ABBA and Flock Of Seagukks god help me, and wanted to BE Carol King and Melanie, and briefly Jimi Hendrix, but that was then. now, i am re-realizing that i am a grown woman, and that is even as good. and it doesn't mean i have to be an OLD woman as we tend to think of old women. and please don't get me ranting on that, i swear. and as such, yes, it would be nice to be slim and trim and buff, and i will continue my efforts in that regard, BUT with the goal of being the best me...not the best me-that-was. so, GRRR, baby with a side of sauce. and this whole snowbank epiphany, although probably causing my neighbor to put her house up for sale, has led to a few other shiny insights. i won't continue this incredibly long and self-regarding post, but as they say in Austin, "it's all good." and i thank you each and every one for caring and especially for letting me know you care. now about that AARP that was sent to me.... L.

i don't know...do i post something that isn't blissed out and wonderful, but honest and from my depths, and maybe help someone else? or do i just wait...until this passes? however long that may be. well, i'll tell you my heart, and if you are only in the mood for something sparkly and wonderful, come back in a day or so rather than read on. i may have mentioned the excruciating time i am having with sudden smoking cravings. out of the clear blue. after 6 months. i had high hopes for today, as far as artwork goes. i followed my plan - up at 6am...coffee...dog care, cat care...meditation for about an hour. during that time i worked out a design for a sculpture that i need to make. all's good. i hit the worktable and began. within the hour, i was sobbing and snotty and throwing materials and F-bombs like a spoiled child. my body was in full crave-mode. i fought it for 4 hours, sitting in my closet, sobbing as quietly as i could into a towel so i didn't wake anyone up. this is not me. this is not me. it came down to a choice - sleep away another day just so i couldn't smoke, or just smoke. i threw on my boots and coat, grabbed my keys, blew my nose and went through the Travel Advisory weather to the stop-and-rob down the street where the clerk, Pat, gave me the fisheye and returned my change in pennies to punish me. just yesterday we had a conversation about how she (i think pat's a "she") hadn't seen me in a long time, and i told her it was because i quit smoking. Pat was disappointed, and i felt bad for disappointing her, but this was my mental status, and besides she tried to kill me last summer with the homicidally hot wing sauce she makes. i'm not sure what my body/mind is trying to do here. but honestly, my quality of life (and blog) is truly suffering from the fight. so i give. uncle. i will take it hour by hour, but i will not stress myself out over this. i have a pack of cigarettes in my car, and will not fight beyond what is truly uncomfortable. and i apologize if you are bored by all this or if it makes you sad somehow, but this is for me right now. so many people are having such a hard time right now with the weather taking over all manner of pleasure and squinching it. i wish you Bliss and sparkly things and firelight and a star to look up at and claim as your very own. such as it is, i will stand beside you and hold you while you cry...just ask. maybe we can hold each other up. and if you are having a great day, and don't need holding, or a star, or maybe Oprah to read your book and say she thinks it's da bom, maybe you can wait on the rest of us and entertain yourself by making up definitions to those word verification "words." some look kinda real, you know? fandisep, y'all.

GOOD MORNING!

here's a bouquet of goodness and sunshine for you....

old friends and baby days being born

Today at lunch, i was leafing through my copy of American Craft magazine, and LO! there was a new creation, Faydor, by my friend, and mentor, Wendy Ellertson! a beauty if i do say so! and seeing this familiar name, and familiar work, in the middle of my Other day at my Big Girl Job, well, it just felt like getting flowers...or a call from a long-lost friend...or a really really Nice Thing - something for the gratitude journal. and it got me thinking about how i finished not one, but two TWO sculptures in 2 days in Wendy's workshop, which got me thinking about Then....and Now...and what was different...and how i need to focus more, and become quiet and meditative enough to allow the work to flow - it's in there...i see it all the time. and to spend maybe a bit less time in front of this box, and more time bending wire and playing with rust. so although i adore you, and keeping up with your blog is like a hearty meal for my soul, i think i need to step away for a few days as a test. and meanwhile, let some creatures out that have been roaming the wilds of my brain. see, as i type this, my spirit is getting excited about the possibilities...my hands have been longing to create...what is stopping them? i don't know. but i do know that spending time on introspection will just Waste time...Just Do It, Nike, Just Do It! so tonight, i'll prepare my mise en place for my work tomorrow. i'll set up the coffeepot. i'll get diva's anti-tummy-distress meal ready. and i'll begin to celebrate within, and go to that place within, that holds all Promises and Magic, and stand at the window to make a withdrawl against my account. i'll begin the day early with a steamy mug of coffee, spiced with a smidge of cinnamon...ipod tuned to kirtan...hair up in a ponytail..sweatpants, flannel shirt...deep breath....ahhhh. begin. catch ya on the flip side...L.

the mind is a terrible disease

i heard that from some stand-up comedian. so yes...i did smoke. 1 cigarette. and i wanted to hurl. and got so dizzy i almost fell onto the ground in front of the stop-and-rob store. not to justify, but after waiting 12 long hours for a doctor callback, i just did it. and the clerk made me buy a lighter. no matches. so i smoked a $7.50 cigarette. then threw the rest away. along with the lighter. i have no idea where this is coming from, this intense craving, and why now. my life is generally on the high side of stressful, so it's not like i'm suffering from sudden stress. or depression. actually, the smokelessness has been more jangly than smoke-fulness was. oh! and i did find out from the nurse that called that "changes in taste" are a side effect of the chantix, so this lackluster taste bud thing is for real. i am learning some things, though, and that has made it not so much a waste. i've learned that parts of my life are worth more to me than distraction...that there are things that i value so much that i will not let anything distract me from my course. i've learned that i am much stronger than i thought, and much weaker than i wished i was, and that i can grow my strength! i have learned that a nice nap will help "shake the crows out of the tree." and that my friends will rally around and cheer when i succeed, and rally around and remind me to stand, walk and skip when i'm not so strong. i watched the coyotes face their fear over and over yesterday as they tried to get their dinner back to the woods. i can do this, too. i will need the determination of the coyote and the grace of the hawk, but i will. even now as i sit wondering which store may be open nearby....i will. i hope. L.

i write this, reeking of tuna...i spilled. so, no - i didn't smoke. i will call the doc tomorrow though to re-up my prescription...the cravings i have experienced in the past 2 days are worse than when i first quit. they are stopping my life. so i will deal as best i can, and if not, then i will again smoke because i don't intend to spend my life distracted by this. onward: today as i headed home from the store, i caught a flash of movement to the left...i slowed and there she was...a beautiful coyote...with a mate and a small one. they would run to the roadside and grab onto something, but run back at the first hint of a vehicle. i looked closer and saw the long-frozen remains of a deer that had been buried in the snow. the coyotes have their shaggy winter coat on, and look for all the world like they'd be covered in rabies, but that's just them. such beautiful animals....actually, diva's face is quite similar. i have a huge pot of veggie soup cooking, and the smell is just glorious (well, besides the smell of tuna). my friend Patty has 2 brothers in the military, and she is putting together Love A Soldier packages for them for Valentines Day. she invited one & all to participate, so i'm off to buy beef jerky, phone cards and chocolate (which she says is worth gold!). also some warm wool socks, as it is cold cold cold there. i guess i don't think of Afganistan as being cold ever. der on me. if you want to play, just let me know! she'll be sending everything out this week. the soldiers all LOVE getting mail from anyone...even strangers! if there's a National Guard or other military base near you, ask them how to send stuff, and what can be sent, etc. so off to stir the pot (as usual!). a somewhat normal, boring post. finally! L.

rocky

spring - for you!

fight AND flight

first, flight. here's a picture of Quest from my friend Gail! what a beauty...i watched this one hatch from an egg and now he makes his home in Nantucket. i suspect Mariah & Kaver will get a visit from time to time! ok - now for the "fight" portion of this post. you know, i am very aware of my body and when it's speaking to me. i have to be completely honest with you...i have an addictive brain. maybe because my parents smoked...maybe because i sat too close to the TV watching cartoons...who knows. but last august, i quit smoking, using chantix. it was not difficult. it had it's moments, don't let me fool you. but was much easier than i ever expected. fast forward now 6 months. i watch as my friend (who quit the same way) and i are unable to taste...are unable to concentrate...are unable to start or to finish anything - including artwork. it's true. i have not completed a single not one piece of art since last august. i walk up to my beautiful worktable facing the incredible sunny-window view of the trees, and do a quick u-turn. even the 1-hour books....not so much of a quickie fun thing, but more of a this-is-it thing... it's no better at my Big Girl job - i am unable to concentrate on the paperwork aspect that i once loved...my mind races...it's like i have A.D.D. for real....i see my friend take days, weeks even, to clean out a single cabinet. it's like we're laid-off lab rats still pushing the bar for crack, even though we don't want it so much. it's as if the nicotine is a component that my brain needs to function. so today i am at a crossroad. i hate everything that smoking does - smelly, icky, unhealthy, dirty, etc. however, i feel like i have to choose between that and my ability to make art. it is a true vexation. have you ever accidentally over-caffeinated, and find yourself totally buzzed out, running through the store trying to remember what you went in for? bread? milk? tofu? rutabaga? like that dog treat BACON BACON BACON I SMELL BACON! commercial. that's how i feel all the time. it's not so much a fight against wanting to smoke, it's a fight against some internal centrifugal force that might make me peel apart and shred. maybe some people just have a spot in their brain that needs something bad to fill it. oy who knows. i just know this is how i feel. so if you are struggling with smoking/not smoking, i do apologize if i've swayed you in the wrong direction. it's my intention only to be honest and up front, and i wish my doctor had been a bit more forthcoming, but hey, she has her commission to make too. (sorry - that was a bit less shiny than i like to be). so yesterday i confronted this monster by going for a walk. a big walk. 2+ hours worth of walk. i covered most of my woods. i do not have that kind of time in my daily life. and it's cold today. so we'll see what happens. i just feel less good if i am unable to make art than if i start smoking again. and then there's the whole money aspect. oy. maybe Quest will come take me away! L.

there's been a quiet certainty growing in me...like the eternal flame that hung over the altar by the Torah at Temple Concord....i can almost see it flicker in my belly, as the peacefulness and steadfastness takes root once again. today, i watched history as President Obama stepped front and center. no matter who you voted for, the moment had to give you pause. and hopefulness. it seems as though the "business as usual" crowd will be less in fashion. i hope i'm right. i'm not usually in fashion myself. tonight i got word from my brother that a long-lost cousin had made contact with him. we are fewer now that my aunt Beatrice has passed away. (married to SamTheGarbage)(okay - whenever my Uncle Sam would leave the house, Aunt Beattie would yell "Sam! The garbage!" so he'd remember to bring it downstairs. i thought that was his name for a while). it's been too long since i've connected with my father's family. way too long. and my mother's family is gone. perhaps this historic day will signal the beginning of healing - in the nation, and in my family. L.

ok so maybe you DO need to smack me on the head a few times to get my attention...der...but i got it, okay?? today the doc explained that part of my weight gain is my body freaking out due to estrogen depletion due to perimenopause-ish issues. it's basically screaming, "Armaggedon!" and battening down a fat layer to protect the mommy-maker area around the hips, upper thighs and lower abdominal areas. pay attention - this will be you. so basically, yes, it is good that i have been xc skiing and doing yoga and power walking and not eating so much crap. but will it change the Watchtower status? not so much. until my brain gets it through it's head that estrogen is depleting because it's TIME to stop with the ovary action, then not so much will change. but keeping active (sounds like a laxative commercial) will have benefits down the line when the fat depletion begins. also in the mix is the Eastern thought that the area just under the ribs (where it feels for all truth like a 1" diameter pvc tube was inserted) (maybe 2") THAT AREA deals with emotional and creative aspects and it's blocking Flow. or something similar...i'm tired (the phlebotomist was new. i have many bandaids and a happy face sticker). which makes sense, as i have been a basket case and my art has not made it from my head through to birth. and to be honest, lately i've been slapped in the face with all manner of signs and knowledge that Hello! you are not dealing with this! my Altered Shoe turns into Ganesha...my yoga mantra for the year is "the only constant is change." and other things. all of a sudden in the middle of a down dog, i peeked open my eyes (mostly because the head rush was exemplary) and there was my mantra paper. and i GOT it. it just clicked. so if change is constant, why am i wasting all this time and effort to try and stop change? to make things "the way they were" when maybe if i stopped BLOCKING change, then maybe what THIS was CHANGING TO would actually be better. hmm. some mental circulation to ponder, no doubt. and last year i learned to be true to myself...my heart of hearts...and i would find bliss. so i am officially stepping aside and letting it rip. not just stepping aside and taking a que sera sera attitude, but getting out of my way. my gynocologist is such an incredible woman...i feel blessed to have found her. and right down the street! we talked for quite some time today...never rushed...and there's a good chance i'll make it through this without wigging out. i'll share some of her thoughts later. for now, to bed....with my boo-boo bandaids and happy face stickers on my arms. remind me to tell you how i got a pair of Etienne Aigner boots for $26 today...oh yeah damn spanky! L.

i've been reading the book, The Invitation, by Oriah Mountain Dreamer. a very slim little volume. it could take a while. read a sentence...feel a bone in the throat...ruminate..clarify...meditate...and ahhh haaa. and at the end of each chapter, there's a meditation. so this morning i'm at the part about sorrow, and she talks about being able to sit with your sorrow without trying to fix it or fade it. uh oh...i say to myself. fix it or fade it. and i stopped right there. is that not why i've been so undecided about things in my life? the pain of the sorrow. so i read on. sure enough. she talks about how we want to rush through the hard part and on to the healing and fading. and the grief & sorrow needs to be felt & put to rest at it's own pace or it will remain an unresolved item, or something to run from or try to cover up or fill in with other "stuff." hmmm. i predict a thoughtful day today. and my shoe sculpture has decided it wants to become Ganesha. so much for the other! it makes so much more sense now that i look at it. but first...i wish you a fabulous, sparkling day. L.

what a strange day it was today...home from work (sick) but restless after the main "sick-ish" part subsided, so i started clearing off my work table and packing things up to mail out and organized odds & ends. it was mindless work...or was it? i've always had such a monkey-mind that i need to trick it into "watching the pony over here" while i got some Real Good Thinking done. and i did. and also cleared off a literal cartload of stuff from my table. my workstyle is messy...plow in and let it rip. leave the cleanup for later. i wandered about the house in my jammies, feeling emotional and weepy one minute, then ferocious and centered a few minutes later. i finally put on some kirtan, and did a Warrior pose til i thought maybe i'd never walk again. and some things swirled like a lava lamp and settled and tickled and swam like sea monkeys. (no...i don't smoke pot. any longer.) And i realized a lot of things i needed to, and was able to feel compassion for myself without all the ego, self-centered, or throw-myself-on-the-railroad-tracks whatever-ish. just gentle. and i realized that 1 thing i've been beating myself up over lately was what seemed to be a lack of outward compassion...not WASN'T - just SEEMED to be. example: my friend went through hell in the past 7-ish years..hell. i would NEVER have made it through what she went through. and i hope that i was the kind of friend to her that she is to me. when i look at her, i see a woman of incredible strength of character. i always have. so when she would mention certain things, i would never ever doubt that she would trounce through the situation and kick it to the curb, as if it was an annoyance rather than a Life Issue. and it always amazed me how she did it and was always smiling. as i approach a personal Life Issue, i realize she faced this same one down...and more, much more. and just did it. with grace. and strength. and if not with certainty of the result, at least with certainty that she would triumph....because she had to. i draw strength from you, my friends. and today as my monkey-mind watched the pony show and spilled popcorn all over, i gave thanks for each of you. and asked that special blessings and surprises be bestowed upon you. watch for the magic........L.

from Heather Handler: "she knew what she had to do as a human, but as the Princess of a Secret World, she still had so much to figure out." indeed.

my husband and i decided today that we no long want to be married to each other. this is a decision that i had made in my secret heart quite some time ago, but the vastness of the thought, and the incredible logistics of the requirements were more than i could take. so i kept that little secret tucked in my secret heart of hearts. you know, there is no such thing as a secret secret. somehow, in some way, the thought will find a way to manifest itself. and as my wonderful, peaceful sanctuary became less of a home and more of a battleground strewn with eggshells to traverse, and music replaced by silences even louder, and people behaving badly, i knew i needed to change things. but have felt too tired and worked over and scared to do anything. today will be a day of holding our tongues...to try not to inflict damage unbecoming two adults, one of them a born-again Jewish Buddhist. he has said he wants to try counseling one last time. this week i will decide. but the words have been thrown into the ring, then pulled back somewhat with a toe...awaiting a final determination. please send me your best Light. I say i may not be posting for a while, but you know how i am. so either way...i will still keep you in my heart during this time. L.

the Pearl

there is an ice storm outside...my trees coated thickly with frozen rain...soon, if we believe the weatherguy, to be covered by a blanket of snow. i look forward to a power walk through my woods to gnaw on some thought-faeries that have been pinkling around in my head. and today the weather seems like a good analogy for what has been Chosen as my Life-Assignment (Good Morning Mr. Phelps). a beautiful spirit covering over some slippery, dangerous spots. old Stuff... never resolved, just calcified, then covered over. not to hide, but just too tired to deal. sort of like closing the door on a messy room when company comes. then you just never open it again. On Jonatha Brooke's CD, The Works, there's a song called My Sweet And Bitter Bowl. There's a part in it that snagged my imagination, and has made itself into art-in-progress on my worktable. i don't think she'll mind if i quote that part here (and you really should buy the CD anyway): ..."If you would open and raise my soul If you would pass my gates and doors If you'd unlock my frozen loves, Just drink my sweet and bitter bowl..." so, for me, it's the whole imagery of someone making such an incredible, focused effort to get through the maze of Stuff ...just to get to the heart of the matter....to love someone or something so very much that you would work & effort & fatigue trying to open these heavy steel, rusted, padlocked doors, and never give up...and travel through the distances needed, and burn with them, scream & cry late into the night & grieve with them, and also dance crazy and rejoice with them...that the love was such that none of the bitter mattered...none of the bad, the consuming pyre, the just plain aching deadness -was all the same as the honeycomb sweetness and pure brightness and delight...it was all the same...the goal was worth the task needed to reach it...that, my friends, is what i am passionate about...reaching the center...looking into the heart, the soul, the spirit...where the gleaming pearl of a person is - born of endless chafing and washing away of unneeded grit, keeping only the essential...the pearl. to know you, and to know myself... to seek inwardly and maybe clean that messy room a bit. if done a little at a time, it isn't so overwhelming. but i think now, today, it's time to dig a little past the surface, and into that messy room. time to feng shui my heart of hearts and dust off that pearl. the gates and doors and padlocks, with all their beautiful rust, need to be dusted and oiled and spiffed up to welcome visitors. funny, the dusting stuff is called Behold! just sayin. *wink nudge* L.

oy

i am almost dead from excitement, i tell you. i am so excited, in fact, that i'm channeling Aunt Sylvia (long story)...you know how you sort of "think out" or "hear" what you're about to write, as you write it? well all i can hear is Sylvia's Yiddish....a sure sign great things are brewing. so - here's what we have...first the long backstory, as you knew would happen. diva's grandmother (my brother's mother) came monday to walk her, as husband is out of town, and Youngblood cannot be in the same room with her (diva). grandma took diva, and diva hasn't been returned home since. a matter soon for the police, but a story for another day. (and an exaggeration, so calm down). i wander Barnes & Noble aimlessly...i do not have to be home to perform any Becky Home Ec-y function. tra-la-la through the crafts, now the audio...oh who's Katie Perry? oh my cell phone rings as I Kissed A Girl begins loudly to play. and God help me not to de-compose myself right there - it's a gallery owner saying they are interested in having my fiber art in a show. i could just die, but there is the unusual soundtrack blaring, but who cares...you know artists. so i'm wondering which fiber pieces he is speaking of, since i haven't actually been working in fiber for a while, and y'all would be so very proud of me for my suave-aciousness in finding out. they want 8 pieces. very cool. okay so i leave with a latte, feeling very grown up and self-important, very Mary Tyler Moore Throwing The Beret-ish, and head home. to clean out the litterbox. life hands it to you. keeps you real. then, okay? then today? again with the no-dog-no-husband house. hung out and talked to an actual co-worker who was enrapturizing us with stories of her medical conditin that rivals ANYTHING, anything i tell you, from that cable medical channel. got home later than usual. cleaned the catbox. ate a Lean Cuisine while waiting for my computer to warm up. tmi. okay. checked my email. and THAT's where the story gets good. y'all....i ask you...what have i been blah-blah-blahing about endlessly till you wanted to kill me? Squam? so i get an innocent enough email sure right from Elizabeth the creator/founder/director/fairy godmother of Squam...the new classes are up. (insert huge-lung scream) so i click on the link....and...and... the F.R.E.D.* would not NOT let me onto the World Wide Web. bastards! flaming black-hearted bastards of an internet company. and to think i gave up profanity 2 weeks ago as part of the Wellness campaign at work (since giving up an afternoon snack is unreasonable). BANSHEE SCREAM. options...options...ok - wearing sweats and my Big Girl Shirt from work..silk trouser socks...library is out. ahhh - this is what neighbors are for. Bam bam on the door followed by a huffing puffing "i need your internet NOW" and shazam! i'm in. i just needed to see it. but wait...i experience chest pains...2 sessions....two...deux...not one, but one more than one...shitchristdammit. that cost a twinkie. now what?? i scroll and scan quickly - neighbor reaching for her phone. thank her. walk home. notice i have 2 different shoes on - a red croc and a boot of some sort. no coat. very cold. get home. email Elizabeth to tell her EXACTLY what i think of this. oh - lo! webification! kiss kiss on the mouse. so now go here and fall in love. i'm exhausted. good night. L oh crud...the * needs explaining...well, okay another story. while i was still in college, i swore with all my heart that i would never not ever work for a COUNTRY WESTERN radio station. or an oldies station. ever. i had standards. so midway through my last year, i'm broke go figure, and the head of the dept comes to me and says she has an oppty for me...a radio station heard some of my work and want to hire me. they will work with my school schedule. they will pay me real American dollars. every week. i'm down with that. oh yeah...country. and western. i show up the first evening to train. the overnight guy (who will work AFTER my shift) is sleeping on a couch in the "lobby" and smells like 14 cartons of cigarettes were lit off on him. and he has gas. and his dog, who is sleeping on the floor beside him, has gas. there is a shotgun yes a shotgun leaning next to the couch. i'm far from home. locked in this building. with madmen. about to go on the air at a country western station. my boss comes out to give me the tour and i meet FRED, the machine that plays the commercials, which are on cartridges resembling 8-tracks. actually there were 2 machines - one named WILMA for the AM station, and FRED for the FM. so about 20 minutes on the air, and i hear an alarm going off LOUDLY. my boss jumps up, i follow, and soon learn how FRED got his name "F-ing Retarded Electrical Device" my boss screams as he tries to un-jam the thing. that's the true story. the shotgun, you ask? okay, but then to bed. this station was waaay back away from the road behind a bunch of other buildings, and backing up to some woods. hidden nicely. and although it was off of a main route through the town, you could not see it from anywhere. so the area is known for 2 things: the prison that housed the 1st ever electric chair, and skinheads. so here's a little Jewish girl, who grew up in a nice suburban neighborhood, sitting in a dumpheap hellhole of COUNTRY WESTERN radio station. and on my first night, the boss tells me that if i hear anything, or see anything move out that picture window that basically IS the back wall, i should call the police asap. the skinheads were threatening to take the media hostage. we were the only media open after 5pm. what a desperate and typical situation i was in, eh? shortest job i ever had. now good night. L.

i believe in You....i know that you will do such incredible things, that often i forget to tell you....it is just such a certainty in my mind - like breath in and out, sun rising & setting - that you are remarkable...i forget that sometimes you may not remember just how fabulous you are...how i am in awe of you...and how tickled and pleased and grateful that we are friends...so, i will ask you - do you believe in me? and i will ask you to grab a box of kleenex and go here. a big, encircling hug to y'all....L.

ankle deep in diamonds

it was a morning i wish i had my camera with me...9am...bare tree branches coated with ice...the sun holding steady on the horizon for just an inkling or two...a tree trunk blocking the sun for a moment, and the rays splay outward electrifying the encased limbs - slight dripping fortells the coming end of this brillant, impermanent display...fresh, untouched snow for miles over undulating hills covered in twinkling diamonds...each snowcrystal flashing individually...Nature's Tiffany...even with sunglasses, a sight almost unbearable in it's beauty...the hush and silence as morning begins...i point my skis in no particular direction and head out...the silence follws...above and to the right - a woodpecker beats out a rhythm...coyote tracks follow the treeline then cross the open expanse...something darting to my right - gone too fast to be identified except by fresh hoof prints in the snow....and still the dazzling twinkling sparkle...a crust of ice over the stream creates a window to watch the water flow beneath...my skiis crunch over last night's frozen slush and i follow the call of my crows...i am ankle deep in diamonds...i am rich.

nestling

have you noticed a gentle murmuring? a calling amongst us to find center again? people i know have mentioned how they feel the need to pull themselves around themselves... like wrapping a great comfy sweater about you, holding a beautiful mug of tea, cozy slippers on, fireplace dancing, dusk outside the window. a quieting of the soul for just a flicker of time. just enough to regain Center. Balance. Sense of Self. paying attention to the Spirit. restocking after the chaos of the holidays depletion. so i gently, slowly, bring to you in hushed tones the vision of it all...opal wings so wide and so very cashmere soft enfolding you in a comforting swaddling cocoon...you inhale deeply, and when you exhale the tightness flows away...you feel your shoulders drop, then your neck relaxes, your chin tucks toward your chest so gently...your eyes close gently and even if you're sitting in a chair, you feel those wings support you, envelop you, holding you in a sacred, loving embrace...with each audible sigh, you feel more relaxed, more loved than you've ever felt possible...more acceptance in these wings...tears may slide down your cheeks...a smile may beam from your face...if you could only see yourself i'm sure you'd glow...you rest within this protection as long as your Spirit needs, then a final deep sigh, and you begin to feel energized...your mind begins to awaken anew - slowly and not to overwhelm it brings for your consideration - thoughts, colors, ideas, projects, possibilities...you notice how soft the wings are, and although it's hard to leave your cocoon, you are refreshed and Centered and ready to continue. knowing you can return at any time. peacefulness. L.

dear Lord, please let me win some free liposuction because this healthy exercise may just kill me. amen

stolen words

i swiped this quote off susan greene's blog: (technically she borrowed it too!) You have to know what you need and want out of life before you can make the choices necessary to honor them. Sarah Bran Breathnach this really stayed with me...i've been more of a backseat passenger in my own life lately..just sort of reacting to things that crop up, good & bad, rather than taking my Warrior Spirit by the hand and saying Go Forth And Conquer! or something similar. it's been the time for gliding, but i'm feeling a tug to take the wheel and drive now. so many little whispers have come to me recently. i've learned that if you don't heed the whispers, then the shouts will follow...somehow The Point will become clear. so finally something to occupy the monkey mind while the ears recover from their concert-for-one yesterday. a very exciting project is putting itself together on my table, so some coffee...some orange slices with cinnamon...some quiet music for the ear-hangover...and the smell of gel medium. perfect. L.

12 steps over the line, sweet jesus

it's true...i am so addicted to my IPod. i can't go anywhere without it, sneaking even a single ear thingie in whenever i can...imagine, if you will, what my brain must think: right ear hears: "And i refuse to pay for this dental work i refuse to pay you sons of bitches"... but meanwhile, the left ear hears: "o little bird I want to sing like you..." So yes, that does explain a lot. and raise your hand if you've looked at your songlist, or even list of artists, and gone..."Hunh??" like do i really have Mary J Blige in with Britney Spears with Cat Empire with Jimi Hendrix with David Newman and on. i make no apologies to anyone for my musical tastes. in defense, i will say the Spears "Womanizer" cut is an excellent aerobic selection, and Mary J's Work It, well if i have to explain it, you've never heard it. a little old school - Sugar Hill Gang, and on. i'm a nut with the ITunes store. and i realized how much i missed music. i used to have it on around me constantly. lately, not so much. not sure why. but who cares now that i'm Pod Queen. an ITunes gift card sends shivers down my spine. oy. ******* so 3-5 inches of snow...HA...i laugh. (channeling Grandma Lana - )today i make husband to snowshoe. it's a good time to get him to go, since we've been in a cold war for days now, and have just reached a tentative peace. i refuse to side trip down that dead end road right now because i'm feeling downright chipper and perky with the promise of snow games. while i'm out, you just go ahead and pee in my Cheerios, but i have a whole new 'tude toward winter since i'm able to play in it. i'd still rather it went elsewhere, but as long as it's here, i'm dealing. and it has helped a whole cartload with the whole Seasonal Attitudenal Disorder. so far, depression has stayed at my garden gate and not ventured up the path...HA! i've learned not to be so cocky as to say i have slain the dragon, but i think i may have poked out an eye. (just picturing a dragon with a pirate eye patch now & snickering. hmm...maybe aNOTHER tattoo....). so back to my point & ramble...i guess if i wouldn't have had 2 hard plastic music barfers jammed in my ears, i would have had ALL senses working and HEARD divadog barking frantically and fairly hysterical with the thought of all the trouble the kitties would be in when mom came downstairs...no, i had to wait for other senses to engage. now i ask you...quick - can you name something more hideous than 4-legged bi-directional explosive diarhea? i'll give ya a moment, but i'll tell you, no, no there isn't. now, i'm not really bonded with these cats. i like them...i'm happy to give them food & shelter...but honestly? when they lay across my face in the morning i don't find it cute...and when they run in front of me down the stairs then ...stop...for no reason...3 steps from the bottom and i have to perform a vertical leap, frogging my legs up like a mad skateboarder on a half-pipe from hell, adding then a half twist over the cat, down 3 steps and over a rail thingie...in heels...with hot coffee in a mug...hoping the cat doesn't now move to the bottom of the stairs where i will have wasted my best Beijing moves and land solidly crushing the kitty under my immesity...then right then - i do not feel bonded with kitty. not so much. or in any way. now. there's the issue of the cleanup. (we're back to the kung fu poo) let me remind you - i do not have children. and this is one of the many, many reasons. i can recall being in line at a grocery store behind a mom with a diaper clad youngster who was making the cutest breath-holding faces at me. and you know, i'm not sure just how much those diapers were meant to hold, but it was clearly over it's load limit pardon the pun. i wanted to leave my cart right there at the checkout and run, with the full confidence that i would never NEVER i tell you ever eat again. oozing down the leg. clearly i got over that, eating-wise, but it made my womb QUAKE with the thought that that woman could have turned around and i would see...gasp...myself. shit where was i ...oh yeah - shit. so now i have a laundry room full of poo, and a cat sort of slinking away. not as in skulking-slinking. more like a Right Said Fred slink. i think he even stopped to adjust his kitty earbuds, snapped his paws, and sang "on the catwalk yeah, i shake my tush on the catwalk." i am endlessly distraught. i need some happy music in my ears. stand by. oy. better. husband has a big mess here to clean up. now calmer, i figured that since the cats once belonged to his daughter, then by law they are now actually HIS, and as such, so is the mess. whew. that was a close call. can't argue with logic. on the catwalk. L.

my first ever contest!

first a little housekeeping...Thank you, Steven Tyler. you always know exactly what to say. i am totally exhausted and rocked. whew! now send me your feet for my neighbor. nope - not whatcha thinkin. i was all wrung out and tired, but needed some oomph to get the next step of this project done...so my cure? a little Walk This Way (live, of course) on the IPod. actually, about 5 repeats of it. loud. the cats are furious about the noise from my jumping, banging and out-of-tune-loudly-singing. the trip back to my glory days was worth any future embarrassment with Youngblood. can't explain my facination with Tyler. oh well. there are secrets, then there are Secrets. did i ever tell y'all i was in a band years ago? i was. traveled Quebec and Canada and the US side of the border through Buffalo. picture me, 50 lbs thinner, black over-the-knee suede boots..singing some STUFF in french. still have the boots. i cleaned up my act (so to speak) when i lost my voice. that's where i met Mark the Biker and the Incident with the Lifesavers. i'll repeat another time. but the voice thing is g-o-n-e. a blessing, i suppose, because is there anything more pathetic than an aging granny rocker? so i'm dying to send someone a bag o' my favorite Ginger Pear Tea! so here's the deal ... post me a thought to the blog questions in the previous post (holly - you're in)...are you sick of this blog? stale? too real? not real enough? what are your thoughts about blogs in general? what about Steve Tyler? (just kidding about him). and next fri i'll scientifically pick a winner. it's just that the blog has become such a phenomenon....blogstars need only an etsy shop and they're off and running...no more business cards or sales reps...it just facinates me. and what makes a Blogstar? what makes one blog viral, and another unnoticed? what an incredible time to be alive, i tell you! having lived through nickel phone booths (actual BOOTHS) with rotary dial phones, on through to today's cell technology...wow...i feel old and wonderous at the same time. so drop me a line or write a whole missive....i'm back to Steve. L.

the big blow

so as 2009 blows out the candles on it's birthday cake, and as my Motrin begins to assure my ski-aching body that things will be just fine, i have questions and quandries and quotes that seem apropos and even immediate for today. my mantra "It's Never Too Late To Be Who You Were Meant To Be." also a quote i snatched, you may have noticed. also, i'm questioning this blog. initially i started it to try to release and relieve the pain i was feeling following my Kita's death. i figured a few posts, and too-da-loo. but here we are these years later. and it seems that the entries waver from real spiritual depth, to observance of daily life in nature, to the frustrations and foibles of just trying to make it through. sometimes i want to go back and delete a post that just seems so shallow or not worthy of the "airtime" it gets...bitches and frustrations that only spread ickiness. but then that seems like cheating. i've followed some blogs and i think "How in The Hell Does She DO It?? she has never ever had a bad day! it is one miraculous moment after another. and what? NOW she's going to Costa Rica?? just like that. just foof and away." so i leave that bitchy post in because, honestly, i think i do have a bit of bitch in me. more than a little sometimes. i try not to but i'm human, y'all. and sometimes, the bitchy part is not at all noticeable. like when your mom covers the burnt part of the pancake with butter and blueberry syrup. i guess it's still there, but the Good Part wins. back to the point. so as is wont this time of year, i am taking stock, and seeing what needs changing...what stays...what goes. and the tone & content of this blog is part of that....do i continue to share the bones of my life? do i try to be more uplifting? (tho God knows some days, help me here Jesus, i AM not the one to call for a happy face drawn in your oatmeal). i'm trying to decide and as i write this, it feels sort of fake for me to just be uplifting or just be arty or just share one segment of my life. i have so many different "moments" to my life...heck, the cube farm alone could be a blog. and it's not that i think i'm uber-facinating, or clever, or have ALL the answers (tho i am happy to share those i do have - they're usually to other people's problems anyway)or any kind of thing like that. this isn't required reading for a grade, or even to be my friend (i know - you're all jumping like beans going "OOO! PICK ME PICK ME!). i guess when i started writing this blog, i assumed no one would read it - i mean how would a person even find it unless they knew me and looked for it. but i've got to tell you, in the early days, when i had the "comments" set so that they came to my email first...oy VEY. and it made me scared. and made me feel very small & ant-like to be a person, just me, out here dancing on the Web, and someone halfway around the world sent a comment to me. what are the chances this could have ever happened - that i would come to know someone from so far away? except for this blog. just so you're reassured, i did not send the money to nairobi as requested from the commenter. but i felt special just to be asked. (you know that last part was not for real, right?) this blog has been a good way to keep in touch with people, but it has been a 2-edged sword. sometimes someone will read a post, and think they've been in touch. so i go endless days, weeks wondering what i did to piss them off, when they're thinking that somehow i knew they read my post. so i guess i'm ranbling here. i think perhaps i will keep things pretty similar....warts and all...good days, fabulous days, frustrating days, dark days...i'll share them all with you and you pick the ones you want. and just maybe i'll get some art done too! namaste, y'all. and a delicious, delightful 09. L.

what has 2008 brought you? what do you hope for in 2009? I wish each of you peace peace peace...centered peacefulness in your heart & spirit...unshakable...and ability. thank you all for being a part of me...my life...L

tangled

you know, they wouldn't call it "the web" if you didn't start out here, and end up there by way of ...well, everywhere. so, i went to see what's up at sparkletopia and found this, and i'm sitting here wiping the snot and tears from my face. sorry if you were eating dinner. my spirit just reached out and said "YES!" this is what i long for! THIS is the drink of water i crave...i need texture and color and scent and vibrancy...the sound of world music...the smell of sandalwood and vanilla and cedar pine...the feel of courduroy and silk and crumpled paper collages and my CrowWoman's comforting feathered head...YES! my spirit said...demanding a drink for the senses...my work table is adorned with giant gerbera daisies - impossible pink, orange and yellow all crammed together demanding to be seen...daring me to look away...nearby, a cape in progress - made from pieces of Tibetan ceremonial robes - the colors so beautiful you can feel the spirit of the maker in each inch...i sip my tea and the musky, earthy taste mingles with flakes of coconut...morrocan music playing on my IPod...the colors and tastes and scents and sounds blur and blend...i long to experience them in their natural places...the urge to travel is strong now...a trip to my Lake soon to come, to whisper wishes into the waters and watch as they are taken out to sea...the moon glancing down drawing whispers on the winds to bring about Wishes Answered. i cross my fingers, hopeful of an impending possibility.

more birthday

a Molly Ringwald/Breakfast Club Birthday

***NOTE: i came to my senses and deleted the Molly Ringwald/Breakfast Club lipstick trick photo, except it was a candle. and not Molly. ***** yeah i know - totally immature and just plain eeeeoooowwww! well, would it make it any better if you knew my brother took the picture? ha! we born-again-buddhist-jews know how to throw a birthday party! but it was fun and good. and now i have to wait till next year to do it again. but i've already started planning...next year will be...well, you'll just have to wait & see! this year, i wanted quiet & cake, so just family came by. well, enough...i'll have more pictures soon. NEW TOPIC: i got some spanky cases from my brother for my birthday! they're from some sort of orchestra and have leather straps on them and all manner of cool stuff, including words "TRUMPETS" "saxophones" etc on them. We think they may be sheet music holders, but they are huge! so the sight of these beauties gelled in my mind a semi-gelled thought...this year, i'm going to do a self-portrait of the month project. i wasn't sure what medium i was going to do it in, but now i know : all of them. given the size of the cases, they can easily accomodate all manner of stuff that i may throw at them or stuff into them (unlike my jeans) and can do a fiber art thing one month, and a photograph another, and even a wood/rusty metal thing if i get the tango to. so very cool! Are you inclined? seems like a cool thing to do. and i must say, i've been really Mojave when it comes to art lately - i have had some incredibly serious ideas and wonderings, but have not felt the least inclined to put them to the table, so to speak. i'm not getting panicky or worried...yet. i know eventually i'll settle enough to actualy WORK on something. and poor CrowWoman is still sitting in my soldering chair waiting for her face. Right now feels like a time to close out the books on the old year, and start fresh for the new...art will come, but it's time to take care of old lingering biz and to solidify some new habits and directions. it's all good, as they say. my goodness, i truly have such a wondrous gift of my life...i am truly grateful for the life i have been given. today at my birthday party, my angel-friend made mention of when she was in India. i always thought i'd love to go to India. she was overwhelmed with it...the sights, the sounds, the smells. and the fact that there was so much of all of these things all the time...too much and too constant. i am grateful that i can open my window to fresh air, and have elbow room throughout my day. truly. i am grateful that i can have 2 people, or 5 people or 10 people or more over for an evening, but if i feel like a day or night alone...BAM! it's mine. so these are a few of my gratitude things today. i am grateful that no matter how tasteless the picture is above, you'll still find me charming, somehow. so, i'm off to download more songs into my second-hand IPod! love it! Linda

Please, y'all - HELP!

look, i know, i know....Lord i try to be a good and kind person...i just took in 2 defenseless cats for God's sake - that has to count for SOMETHING and perhaps that and my usually kind and sunny disposition will counterbalance karma in the feelings i am having AT THIS MOMENT toward my mother-in-law who showed up just showed up unannounced and plopped down on the sofa next to me where i was taking a well-deserved nap and she sat on diva's tail causing a howl growl combo that is usually followed by much gnashing of teeth and flying saliva. and sometimes but not usually stitches. after 20 minutes, my husband her son just got up and went into the kitchen and starting chopping vegetables. apropos of Nothing. that left me and Diva to entertain her. i ran out of conversation. quickly. so i turned on the Survivorman show and came upstairs. she has remained on the couch now for 40 minutes watching TV and yelling to her son in the kitchen. i know i know. and this will surely effect my cosmic birthday present, but Dear God, you Know My Limits...you MADE me with these limits. and i think You of all..er..people (?) should be happy, HAPPY i say, that i knew when to say "when," and designated myself to the time-out corner Before SWAT was needed, because Lord I must say that had i known this was part of the package, i would at this moment be the single girl. well, that and a whole rummage table filled with other thoughts and knowledge. but to the current issue, i am begging the Universe, God, Shiva, Hannuman, rocks, trees and stars, ANYONE who's listening....PLEASE DO NOT HOLD THIS AGAINST ME. in fact, think of it as a moment of strength to have removed myself from temptation. yes. think like that. and while i'm remembering - yes, i realize that we just celebrated the birth of Jesus, but now, 3 days later when things are on sale...it's MY birthday! i am so excited! i LOVE birthday cake! almost as much as wedding cake! oh hell - wait - i think i just had an epiphany. anyway, i'll pick that up later. i just love my birthday. and today i figured out why. as i walked through the woods in the pouring rain with diva, David Newman on the IPod, i did some thinking on it...it just doesn't seem modest or selfless the way i love my birthday, and certainly Buddha's eyes would roll to the back of his head & he'd faint just listening to me, but i figured it out. it is the one day out of all the other days when it is MY day. it's a tiara day...it's a day when i (should) get to be queen. and get presents. i love presents. i do. i will not pretend otherwise. they can be Dollar Store chochkee's or Tiffany diamonds, but there is something flat out magical to me about a wrapped gift with my name on it. that's an issue for another walk, i suppose, but it is what it is. and i thank you for the WWBD bracelet (What Would Buddha Do)...well, for the thought of it. i know you will eventually make it. and perhaps it's better if it does wait for a bit, till i feel more deserving...more cleansed of these thoughts and limitations that have beset my heart, what with my mother in law now popping in a DVD downstairs. so my own mother called to say she may not be able to make it tomorrow because she has church and then has to drive someone to dialysis. correct me if i'm wrong here, but wasn't it HER fault that i'm HERE? i can't help but wonder where i really came from. just yesterday, she was planning a surprise party at my house. with no one else's knowledge. not even husbands, i think. she was just going to show up and be her own self-contained surprise party. i can only imagine her own surprise if her timing was Just Right, Bo Peep. but that's enough of that. so this, THIS is precisely why people become neurotic...why they end up on Oprah airing their dirty laundry. so i'm getting off track here, and giving waaay too much space to issues and items that are not edifying to the spirit at all. (yep, you guessed it - she left). i'm sorry if my dark thoughts caused you to stumble in any way...i'm sorry for not being a better Linda tonight. believe me Dudeloves, it was the best i could do. and that's all you can ask of a person. so good night y'all, and thanks for listening! L.

begin at the end

as the year winds down...weary and ready to put her head down for a well-deserved rest...retailers desperately trying to squeeze out a few more dollars - Christmas sales become New Years sales...compilations and countdowns flood radio airwaves, TV shows...and so comes our own time to sit back for a time of quiet reflection on the past year...what good footprints have we left on 2008? what are some things to change up for 09? yes, the talk is all about Change...Hope...Big Things are expected of our new President already, and his kids haven't even squabbled over who gets which room. but you know, some of the most profound changes i've witnessed are at eye level. Politicians will always be politicians...for the good or the bad. but to reach out to a neighbor or a friend, and meet them where they are, and give a hand up...well, there's nothing like it...profound i tell you, lastingly profound...and unending...so in the coming year, i will try to be more watchful for Need...be it a comforting word, or help with a heating bill (for my warm climate friends: we have to PAY to heat our homes during the months between oh, say, October through May-ish. google it - it's true!) ;) anyway, back to profundity...the past year has shown me so much...she has, for the most part, been a generous teacher...that's been good & bad, with some painful lessons mixed in...i'm happy to say that i've ended the year with a sense of deep gratitude for all i have, all i've HAD but is gone, and all i've been able to give...i have a general feeling of Delight, which i honor and protect, and feed constantly. and i have goals that i've begun and hope to continue and achieve in fullness & finishedness in the coming year - one main goal is 2-in-7 which is to lose 2 lbs per week till i reach my goal...care to join me? it's mostly the activity that has me absolutely excited...power walking, xc skiing, snowshoeing and yoga...maybe pilates if i'm feeling reckless...also on my mind are the friendships of the past year...the people who have come into my life, either for the first time, or Still Steady On, but in a different manner...older friendships changing and taking on the worn-in comfiness of your favorite slippers...hearts, once at arms length, now grafted together with shared experience and recognition of self in each...some friendships losing stride, realizing that sameness sometimes magnifies the not-best parts of each...some just resting for a bit, to be rediscovered after the hustle/bustle has slowed enough to enjoy them fully...and some, long fallow, may need a tentative watering to see what may seed...for me, it's all about the alchemy of friendships...i have, in my life, been very financially comfortable...i have also had times that were on a very slippery financial slope - near the bottom of the slope - and i can tell you, money will come and go, but it is about people...Respecting each other...finding the Good Part in each other...it's like opening a gift. not to sound unkind or unconcerned to those struggling right now...yes yes i agree - money can make it easier to sit around and be contemplative and , oh, say, maybe typety type in a blog, BUT it cannot, as they say, make you happy...inside, that is a job that you must work yourself - and money cannot help there. deep down and for any amount of time...nope. and, again, please forgive me if it sounds like i am insensitive or not understanding. i've been miserable in both financial states, and ecstatic in each, so, i'm just sayin. so anyway once again, my train of thought has jumped the track...thanks for staying with me here. i just wanted to say - all in all, i'm pleased...with it all...i accept the not-so-easy, as part of getting to the better stuff...i accept the good stuff as a gift, and not an entitlement...and i may ask for your shoulder from time to time, but please, please know that you always have mine...anytime. what are your hopes/plans for the coming year? Linda

today and always

go here while reading! (and say thank you Holly Knott that you don't have to copy & paste!) my yoga teacher taught me this: happiness is good, but it comes from the brain...from the understanding. Delight is even better...it comes from the spirit, past any understanding, just that defied-description feeling. i call it a Body Smile...every fiber of every cell is just totally blissed out. So, i wish each of you that....Delight....today, and always. My very special Squambud Spiral Betty sent me a journal she made SHE MADE me...now, i am not a journal type person, so as i admired the thoughtfulness, and the beauty (ok, i was bawling and snarking), i KNEW i just KNEW i had to use it, and that's when it hit me - this will be my Gratitude & Delight journal! every single day, i will record the things that i am grateful for in that day, and also the things that filled me with Delight! Thank you JB! and isn't it funny that you get "filled" with delight? yeah! Please go over to Christine Kane's website/blog....she has an awesome suggestion that rather than a New Year's resolution, you pick a New Years WORD to signify your intent for the year. Mine is "Despite." feels right...as in, "despite blah blah blah, I still blah blah blahed." "despite making millions on my art & life coaching, i still remembered the little people who made it possible," you know, like that. *smile* what a super idea! and i'm going to be doing random acts of art this year in some form. it will start in January, when i usually get my christmas stuff mailed out. i'm hoping to start the new year with a yoga class somewhere...and a new tattoo! funny how i link those 2 things somehow. well enough for now....got kitties and puppies and all manner of 2-and-4-leggeds that need SOMEthing. peace y'all! Linda

let the games begin

so can you say sucker? those cats are still at the barn. i can't stand it. sooooo....diva is getting an early christmas present(s) ....KITTY! and NOTHER KITTY! yep. they are on a 4-day trial. they had urinary tract infections and were treated for them. that MAY be why they were spraying. hopefully that is cured. cross your fingers PLEASE! more later! L.

boring

The.....Snow.....Continues. inches and feet of it. and more than that even. luckily i worked at my Big Girl job today, or i'd be out skiing, and saturday's event left my calf muscle a bit freaked out. so because the roads were so bad, i didn't get home till after 7pm and it was too late. say a prayer for my nephew, if you would....very very bad car accident last night - drunk driver hit him head on, will spare you the rest, but it's very bad right now. so i may be spending Christmas in Canada, where he lives. long story there. now wouldn't that just be my luck that they wouldn't let me back into the states without my passport? oy. night y'all! Linda

i had planned to regale you with stories of my skiing adventure yesterday morning, but some things caught my heart, and i just wanted to tell You that i think you are Most Wonderful. yes...i mean you. this is such a difficult time of the year, in a difficult time of our country. it will pass. i promise. do your best...it truly is enough, you'll see. do what you are able, when you are able. and don't stress when you can't. it's the heart that matters. the heart. go easy on yourself, but please don't wallow...it's easy to get stuck there. you may think i don't know you well enough to say this, but i do. so here's a quote i give you as my gift...my only Christmas gift this year...to you... Life Is Slippery...Here - Take My Hand.

can i say...

my life is a roller coaster, but in part, i'm used to that. but inside i've always felt i've been given an Enchanted Life. i am in Huge Gratitude mode. i'm always watchful for something to be grateful for...something to grab up like a found coin from the sidewalk and put in my pocket for later...for when maybe you need to tap the gratitude bank for something to stretch the slim times...the "oh yeah, i remember when blah blah blah this n that..." that gets you through to the body-smile moments. i'm in full body smile times now. i usually have some little scraping of light tucked away in my pocket to pull out and gaze upon, but for now, the sun is beaming over me. Bruce Cockburn says it best in Isn't That What Friends Are For...And i've been scraping little shavings off my ration of light and forming it into a ball....and each time i pack a bit more onto it...and i make a bowl of my hands and scoop it from it's secret cache in the floorboards...and i blow across it to send you a little light in those times you need it....." (or similar) ahhhh yessss. Bruce Cockburn is quite wonderful...Breakfast in New Orleans/Dinner in Timbuktu is my favorite. Thank you Miss Gail for turning me on to him! so ...fish. i still cannot get over the fish. did i mention how i steal things at work? i do. i take things that make me smile...Amy's pen holder has been stolen nightly now. i move it somewhere else in the office. people seem to like it. they feel honored that they have something worthy of larceny, i guess. but everyone KNOWS it's ME that steals it, so it's all good. well, one of the Team Leaders (they'll come up with any title!) has this teeny fishbowl on her desk with fake fish in it that sits on a fake rock. when you switch on the "ON" button, the fish appear to be bobbing and swimming. these fish make me smile. often. one day, when i went to steal the fish, there was a girl in the office training. the TL was nowhere. perfect! well, i guess the trainee was just devastated with the guilt that she perhaps HELPED perpetrate the larceny due to her non-prevention of it, and soon the TL and the trainee stood beside my desk with the trainee pointing at me saying "SHE TOOK YOUR FISH!" so i did what any self-respecting larcenous person would do....i denied it. despite the fact that the fish were in full view on my desk. i denied it. then said "WHO put these FISH on MY desk??" and gave HER the eye as if maybe SHE was setting me up. i know i shouldn't have done that - she may be unstable...she doesn't KNOW me. but i did. luckily the TL knows me. she said something to the effect of "Oy that's just Linda...she does stuff like this. *sigh* we tolerate." so once the trainee realized her mistake, all was well. And now, finally, to my point: last week i came into work, and there was the fishbowl on my desk. PRE-STOLEN for me. with a note that these were the offspring of the other fish. hunh? wha? the Trainee BOUGHT ME FISH OF MY OWN!! i never...! i was choked up - someone went to the store, thought of me, and bought me fish! totally cool! i named them Persephone and Euphoria. (Nemo & Fishy were taken). i am totally high on these fish. they make me smile. even though they weren't ill-gotten gain. so i must go now...hair appointment followed by much weeping & wailing. i never did get to tell you about my xcski adventure this morning! oh well...another one at 3pm, so i'll catch ya up with the full monty later. y'all just freaking rock my world, you know? L.

oh i forgot!

AND! i met the most amazing woman in Macy's of all places. i was looking for a teapot and she was a clerk in the household dept...i told her i needed an amazing & wonderful teapot for a Morroccan Tea Party. she informed me "no teapots," and asked if we were doing Bhindi, but when she said it...it was delicious! her accent, pure India and all the colors of Gypsy Girl's market photos. her skin, beautiful and luminous...if i touched it, i would feel the warmth of the sun on beautiful summer day. she informed me she was a professional-40-years-doing-Bhindi-everybody-knows-me-i-do-Bhindi-here-once-they-love-it. i would have gladly stripped down right there at the top of the escalator in Macy's and let her henna me...she was Comfort. it was a forcefield around her. have you ever met someone who seemed to float just above the earth? they exude such love, command such presence, demand nothing, add so much. without a word. without an action. just...by...being. so many smiles pushed into the hours of this day. i'm grinning right now. i aspire to be that person...to bring more than i take. to leave a piece of myself behind. to be Comfort. and Smiles. namaste y'all. L.

baby it's cold outside!

so that was last year....just a friendly reminder. THIS year i have come fully prepared to stare down the White Menace and become victorious over it...i've learned how to use the electric start component of our snow blower (Big Honkin DPW size snowblower, i might add)...also, i just spent the better part of this blizzardly morning in EMS becoming fully knowledgeable about fabrics that wick and fabrics that won't and various subtleties & innuendos and significants regarding Thinsulate VS Primaloft...oh yes, my dear - there is so a difference. i came away with an expanded head, depleted wallet, and much, much new xc ski wear. AND and a new friend! she was in the ski store when i was there, then in line behind me when i bought Something real cool that's a secret so far...and then when she saw me in the THIRD store, she came up to me and said, "you know, you are awfully calm & downright cheerful for someone who's out in a blizzard." to which i replied ecstatically that there were worse places to be stuck, and besides, everyone ELSE was afraid to go out, so the mall...was...empty! so she invited me for a coffee & it turns out SHE is starting to snowshoe for the 1st time, so we might go together at Highland Forest. although the last time i was there, i needed the county Air1 helicopter to locate me. someone took the little signie things off the trees, so i got really really lost. and i had Kita with me and he started getting dehydrated and overheated, and we were the only ones left in the forest. EXCEPT - a family of 4 Japanese people that suddenly appeared. They were dressed for dinner somewhere - shirt & tie on Mr., low heels on Mrs., and not a maitre d' in sight. i figured i was hallucinating at that point and made the call to 911. of course, i was dating the boss helicopter guy, so it was about as humiliating as it could get, but it beat waiting for the bloodhouds or coyotes to race to me later. yeah, so i may not go with her now that i think about it, because if i made that same call today, they'd leave my bedraggled body for the coyotes, such is love and the loss thereof. *** i may just be done christmas shopping. yep i am. it was easy this year - we agreed that we were buying for Perfect Stepdaughter and Youngblood ONLY. period. that's it. with 2 tuitions and a bleak year about to drag our inspirational budget into the toidy, i think that's fair. i miss my Katie this time of year...she was a Jehovah Witness and did not celebrate Christmas. she was hysterical in her arguments with us about it, if we tried to get her to do Secret Santa. "oh now honey do you really truly think the proper way to celebrate the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ the Savior of all Mankind is to give someone an IPOD?? now ask yourself what would Jesus do??" to which we'd reply something to the effect of "oh yeah - you're right...we forgot to throw in a certificate for itunes," pr some such. and she'd roll her eyes and get the Head Thing going and you knew just KNEW you were in for a Holy Ghost scolding. she was something else. Katie girl, i miss you. and i quote her threats with abandon. so it's a perfect night for a fire in the fireplace and a good book. a glass of wine. if i had any marshmallows, i'd be all over that. but the snowball fight...oy. so be good y'all and send me a hello...i miss you. L.

OH MY GOODNESS!

i am UBER excited!! i'm going here: http://www.kripalu.org Go see! and check out Jan 16th. oy! (btw -can someone PLEASE let me know how to make something link, so you don't have to cut and pasty???). i am tapdancing in anticipation! this has been a big fat wonderful spiritual dip in The Pool these past few weeks. man o manechewitz. and i'm getting the tattoo to prove it. and AND i've been praying for money. i just cut to the chase with God and asked flat out for money...i mean, He's God...He knows that's what i'm talking about...i don't want abundance, necessarily - i've asked for that, and you can actually receive an abundance of stuff you don't necessarily want. really really don't want. so i'm up front with God. i owe Him that much at least. and i found money...actually RE-found money....remember a while ago when i found a bunch o' money in a secret place? that i'd hidden about year before? well, i guess i spent some of it, but left some in the drawer for later. and forgot. see, another menopausal blessing with this memory thing. and then, the other day, i accidentally opened a birthday card from my mom that specifically said NOT to open it till 12/28 (SORRY okay - you KNOW me...don't expect too much from me VS. a wrapped gift)...so, anyway, i went to hide the contents of this card in the secret place, and WHAM! there was the former leftover cash...i mean, we aren't talking about a lot of cash here, hardly any, but still....the surprise of it is such a warm-fuzzy-somebody-cares kinda feeling. my eventual point is that i now have money for Kripalu! dance dance dance. NEW TOPIC....so did we really have a snowball fight with 10 bags of marshmallows at work today?? who started that?? NEW TOPIC...the peacefulness continues in the house. now THAT abundance i'll take. New Topic: have you bought Ordinary Sparkling Moments Yet?? What about Doom Weaver by Georgia Popoff?? oy y'all. NewTopic: we are expecting a huge winter dump tonight! i am so excited that i may actually get to xc ski tomorrow that i may stay up all night watching. i spoke to a woman today who was as blissed out as i am about it! she said she's got her larder laid in, candles handy, blankets and no-power stuff at hand just in case. she's making cookies to celebrate. i asked her if she knew people talked about people like us & we had a giggle. so anyway ...laundry and some other Secret Stuff is awaiting.....hopefully a more substantive post soon. marshmallows. snicker. whaaaat? L.

"Sorry" seems to be the hardest word

Elton John was right. especially when you have 2 pig-headed people involved ...Me and Youngblood. in my last post, i alluded to "Apologies Planned." that would be mine. see, for whatever reason, there has been friction etween me and Youngblood for over a year, culminating in me leaving My Own House during thanksgiving. i went to the kirtan friday night thinking "such a shame to do this good thing, only to come home to steppers freshly home from college." my stomach began it's macrame upon itself. so at some point in the evening, i knew with certainty that the aggression can't stand, man (quote from the Dude Lebowski), and it was up to me to fix it. because although i am a woman who has been known to hold her own grudge-wise, i am kinder & gentler than in times past. and i am up against a 19-year old who has time on his side. as i meditated on the situation, it became clear that i was to apologize to Youngblood for anything i may have said or done to make him feel unwelcome in this home. Although my primary reasons were absolutely pure and wrung full of compassion, i also realized that it would render the Nasty in him powerless. if he has something i want (an apology) then he has power to withhold it, thus perpetuating the situation. i have a choice of dancing response to nastiness, or cutting off the head of the snake. i grabbed an ax. actually by the night's end, i couldn't wait to apologize. so today, i coached hillbilly husband on how to be Present during brunch, so as to avoid a repeat of the F-bomb brunch of a few weeks ago. "it's about FAMILY not FOOD," i repeated to him over & over. and held him responsible for guiding the conversation to places that were pleasant & acceptable. later, stomachs full, and Diva dancing for a walk, Youngblood was alone in the livingroom in front of the TV. and i spilled my heart to him. i know he recognized the barrier being broken...the step being taken. he was choked up, and tried to pass it off as no big deal between us, but i persisted. this must end today. and i told him i knew it had bothered him enough that he had spoken to his dad about it. i explained that it had been a strange year for me, and that i occasionally got my feet stuck in clay, and need time alone & quiet to heal. i explained the physical tricks my body has been playing on me. he listened for real. we are healed. and can i say, it felt so damn good to apologize? i can't wait to screw up something just so i can apologize again! ok - kidding. now this week, Perfect Stepdaughter is coming to yoga with me, and we'll follow up with girl-bonding tattoos. yup. that is what i said. this is starting to get interesting after all! shalom, y'all! L. (oh- hey - did you stop by Christine Mason Miller's and order your Ordinary Sparkling Moments book? i knew it!)