ok so maybe you DO need to smack me on the head a few times to get my attention...der...but i got it, okay?? today the doc explained that part of my weight gain is my body freaking out due to estrogen depletion due to perimenopause-ish issues. it's basically screaming, "Armaggedon!" and battening down a fat layer to protect the mommy-maker area around the hips, upper thighs and lower abdominal areas. pay attention - this will be you. so basically, yes, it is good that i have been xc skiing and doing yoga and power walking and not eating so much crap. but will it change the Watchtower status? not so much. until my brain gets it through it's head that estrogen is depleting because it's TIME to stop with the ovary action, then not so much will change. but keeping active (sounds like a laxative commercial) will have benefits down the line when the fat depletion begins. also in the mix is the Eastern thought that the area just under the ribs (where it feels for all truth like a 1" diameter pvc tube was inserted) (maybe 2") THAT AREA deals with emotional and creative aspects and it's blocking Flow. or something similar...i'm tired (the phlebotomist was new. i have many bandaids and a happy face sticker). which makes sense, as i have been a basket case and my art has not made it from my head through to birth. and to be honest, lately i've been slapped in the face with all manner of signs and knowledge that Hello! you are not dealing with this! my Altered Shoe turns into Ganesha...my yoga mantra for the year is "the only constant is change." and other things. all of a sudden in the middle of a down dog, i peeked open my eyes (mostly because the head rush was exemplary) and there was my mantra paper. and i GOT it. it just clicked. so if change is constant, why am i wasting all this time and effort to try and stop change? to make things "the way they were" when maybe if i stopped BLOCKING change, then maybe what THIS was CHANGING TO would actually be better. hmm. some mental circulation to ponder, no doubt. and last year i learned to be true to myself...my heart of hearts...and i would find bliss. so i am officially stepping aside and letting it rip. not just stepping aside and taking a que sera sera attitude, but getting out of my way. my gynocologist is such an incredible woman...i feel blessed to have found her. and right down the street! we talked for quite some time today...never rushed...and there's a good chance i'll make it through this without wigging out. i'll share some of her thoughts later. for now, to bed....with my boo-boo bandaids and happy face stickers on my arms. remind me to tell you how i got a pair of Etienne Aigner boots for $26 today...oh yeah damn spanky! L.