the mind is a terrible disease

i heard that from some stand-up comedian. so yes...i did smoke. 1 cigarette. and i wanted to hurl. and got so dizzy i almost fell onto the ground in front of the stop-and-rob store. not to justify, but after waiting 12 long hours for a doctor callback, i just did it. and the clerk made me buy a lighter. no matches. so i smoked a $7.50 cigarette. then threw the rest away. along with the lighter. i have no idea where this is coming from, this intense craving, and why now. my life is generally on the high side of stressful, so it's not like i'm suffering from sudden stress. or depression. actually, the smokelessness has been more jangly than smoke-fulness was. oh! and i did find out from the nurse that called that "changes in taste" are a side effect of the chantix, so this lackluster taste bud thing is for real. i am learning some things, though, and that has made it not so much a waste. i've learned that parts of my life are worth more to me than distraction...that there are things that i value so much that i will not let anything distract me from my course. i've learned that i am much stronger than i thought, and much weaker than i wished i was, and that i can grow my strength! i have learned that a nice nap will help "shake the crows out of the tree." and that my friends will rally around and cheer when i succeed, and rally around and remind me to stand, walk and skip when i'm not so strong. i watched the coyotes face their fear over and over yesterday as they tried to get their dinner back to the woods. i can do this, too. i will need the determination of the coyote and the grace of the hawk, but i will. even now as i sit wondering which store may be open nearby....i will. i hope. L.