first, flight. here's a picture of Quest from my friend Gail! what a beauty...i watched this one hatch from an egg and now he makes his home in Nantucket. i suspect Mariah & Kaver will get a visit from time to time! ok - now for the "fight" portion of this post. you know, i am very aware of my body and when it's speaking to me. i have to be completely honest with you...i have an addictive brain. maybe because my parents smoked...maybe because i sat too close to the TV watching cartoons...who knows. but last august, i quit smoking, using chantix. it was not difficult. it had it's moments, don't let me fool you. but was much easier than i ever expected. fast forward now 6 months. i watch as my friend (who quit the same way) and i are unable to taste...are unable to concentrate...are unable to start or to finish anything - including artwork. it's true. i have not completed a single not one piece of art since last august. i walk up to my beautiful worktable facing the incredible sunny-window view of the trees, and do a quick u-turn. even the 1-hour books....not so much of a quickie fun thing, but more of a this-is-it thing... it's no better at my Big Girl job - i am unable to concentrate on the paperwork aspect that i once loved...my mind races...it's like i have A.D.D. for real....i see my friend take days, weeks even, to clean out a single cabinet. it's like we're laid-off lab rats still pushing the bar for crack, even though we don't want it so much. it's as if the nicotine is a component that my brain needs to function. so today i am at a crossroad. i hate everything that smoking does - smelly, icky, unhealthy, dirty, etc. however, i feel like i have to choose between that and my ability to make art. it is a true vexation. have you ever accidentally over-caffeinated, and find yourself totally buzzed out, running through the store trying to remember what you went in for? bread? milk? tofu? rutabaga? like that dog treat BACON BACON BACON I SMELL BACON! commercial. that's how i feel all the time. it's not so much a fight against wanting to smoke, it's a fight against some internal centrifugal force that might make me peel apart and shred. maybe some people just have a spot in their brain that needs something bad to fill it. oy who knows. i just know this is how i feel. so if you are struggling with smoking/not smoking, i do apologize if i've swayed you in the wrong direction. it's my intention only to be honest and up front, and i wish my doctor had been a bit more forthcoming, but hey, she has her commission to make too. (sorry - that was a bit less shiny than i like to be). so yesterday i confronted this monster by going for a walk. a big walk. 2+ hours worth of walk. i covered most of my woods. i do not have that kind of time in my daily life. and it's cold today. so we'll see what happens. i just feel less good if i am unable to make art than if i start smoking again. and then there's the whole money aspect. oy. maybe Quest will come take me away! L.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
fight AND flight
first, flight. here's a picture of Quest from my friend Gail! what a beauty...i watched this one hatch from an egg and now he makes his home in Nantucket. i suspect Mariah & Kaver will get a visit from time to time! ok - now for the "fight" portion of this post. you know, i am very aware of my body and when it's speaking to me. i have to be completely honest with you...i have an addictive brain. maybe because my parents smoked...maybe because i sat too close to the TV watching cartoons...who knows. but last august, i quit smoking, using chantix. it was not difficult. it had it's moments, don't let me fool you. but was much easier than i ever expected. fast forward now 6 months. i watch as my friend (who quit the same way) and i are unable to taste...are unable to concentrate...are unable to start or to finish anything - including artwork. it's true. i have not completed a single not one piece of art since last august. i walk up to my beautiful worktable facing the incredible sunny-window view of the trees, and do a quick u-turn. even the 1-hour books....not so much of a quickie fun thing, but more of a this-is-it thing... it's no better at my Big Girl job - i am unable to concentrate on the paperwork aspect that i once loved...my mind races...it's like i have A.D.D. for real....i see my friend take days, weeks even, to clean out a single cabinet. it's like we're laid-off lab rats still pushing the bar for crack, even though we don't want it so much. it's as if the nicotine is a component that my brain needs to function. so today i am at a crossroad. i hate everything that smoking does - smelly, icky, unhealthy, dirty, etc. however, i feel like i have to choose between that and my ability to make art. it is a true vexation. have you ever accidentally over-caffeinated, and find yourself totally buzzed out, running through the store trying to remember what you went in for? bread? milk? tofu? rutabaga? like that dog treat BACON BACON BACON I SMELL BACON! commercial. that's how i feel all the time. it's not so much a fight against wanting to smoke, it's a fight against some internal centrifugal force that might make me peel apart and shred. maybe some people just have a spot in their brain that needs something bad to fill it. oy who knows. i just know this is how i feel. so if you are struggling with smoking/not smoking, i do apologize if i've swayed you in the wrong direction. it's my intention only to be honest and up front, and i wish my doctor had been a bit more forthcoming, but hey, she has her commission to make too. (sorry - that was a bit less shiny than i like to be). so yesterday i confronted this monster by going for a walk. a big walk. 2+ hours worth of walk. i covered most of my woods. i do not have that kind of time in my daily life. and it's cold today. so we'll see what happens. i just feel less good if i am unable to make art than if i start smoking again. and then there's the whole money aspect. oy. maybe Quest will come take me away! L.
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