glimmer

did you ever get a glimmer of a twinkle of a Big Thought and tried to stay as still as possible...not even breathe...till the Thought felt comfortable enough to settle in and you could really take a good look at it? kind of a hummingbird thought. you look out of your periferal vision and hope the dog odesn't bark so you can really see it. i'm thinking a thought like that....it's okay - it's settled in. yes my recent days have been mismanaged by hormonal surges/purges and nicotine withdrawl. yes, i have avoided the mirror, as the bloat associated with the quit-smoking drug has made me feel much like the blueberry girl from Willie Wonka. then suddenly this quiet Sunday, i pictured myself looking in the mirror. the image looking back was a young girl about 6 years old. she had a tear in her eye. it was like - why can't you see the pretty parts of me. indeed. so in that flash of recognition, i realized that i have no more right to begrudge myself the same considerations that i would give another person. i need to tally the good inside myself with as sharp a pencil as i do others. rather than facing a fault-lined image, trace back to the good, the solid, the conident of not so long ago. i know these feelings will pass, but the going-through time is so not-me that it throws everything out of kilter. so now...a quick nap with stinky skunk-dog, and then some Art! L.