teeter totter

you know, i'm not big on outer appearances...i usually don't notice a person's size, unless there's something real ugly about their inners that makes me stop and look at their outters. which is why i am so bedeviled by the fact that i have been bedeviled by my appearance lately. maybe it's the whole period-for-a-month thing or the not smoking thing. or both. together. at the same exact time. thank you very much but not really. i don't know. i do know that when i look in the mirror, i see my mother. my mother's outters, not inners. triple chin, batwing arms, stomach all distended. where did my size 4 go? why do i care??? that's the part, right there....why do i care? i mean, i DO care about hygeine and looking neat and of course, smelling good. i don't intentionally dress like a bag lady like someone i know who wants you to know that she's so immersed in her work that she just threw any old thing on ....could have been a dress, could have been the cat....whichever didn't get away fast enough. but what bothers me is that IT BOTHERS ME. i feel totally unattractive. i'm certain my husband is having an affair. and i've practically thrown the neighbor at him. (she's not interested either). the lying mirror makes me look smaller than i am. and AND... it bothers me that it bothers me. today, i was having a consultation with a (new) hairdresser. one who plays with your hair and asks you questions before she starts chopping and hacking and makes sure that YOU know what YOU were saying before she says ok let's roll. so she asked me a seemingly simple question : "how would YOU like your hair." i had no clue. 30 pounds lighter? 20 years younger? oh - hair. hmmmm. no idea. which made me start re-thinking all over again.....i mean, i just got a haircut....why was i there?? why am i not happy with my outters? is it my inners? is it those lying hormones working their evil against my good sense and intentions? yes i think that's 75% of it. i know better not to look in mirrors when i have PMS...it's been so long that i forgot. but the rest....i think August is having it's last gasp with me. my month of change, traditionally. this year, i quit smoking, started walking, and stopped pretending that things that AREN'T okay were okay. attitudes projected around me. words spoken around me. rather than get all bunched up inside myself and feeling hate, i sent out love. and told those projecting words and attitudes that those things were not okay with me and please be nice or leave. or that i was real tired of everything being a government conspiracy or the fault of The Powers That Be and perhaps a little life-living would distract them from their doom/gloom predictions. we'll all be happy to say "you told us so" should those gnarly moments prove correct, but let's not sit on life's porch waiting for them to make their way up that long dusty driveway, eh? so my inners are shifting. which makes it easier for my overdrive monkey-mind to turn tail and r-u-n. it didn't get far - just my outters. well, since the left brain has reasonably pointed out that my caloric intake has been reduced, as well as my new walking regimen being in full effect, it should be mathmatically impossible to be gaining as much as my impaired right brain is telling the rest of my body in secret whispers. so perhaps i should have spent more time posting about all the glorious and wonderful things there are to behold in my wondrous life, rather than wasting your time talking about feeling bloated. so here...i'll make it up to you...go here: www.christinemasonmiller.com order this life-changing, life-enhancing book. cuddle into it. love it. have a snack. L.