get corked

now, hear me out on this. it's really simple. i am asking that you save your wine corks for me. when you have a bunch, let me know and i'll send you a postage paid box. they aren't for me. and i don't mean to suggest that y'all are a bunch of winis. but we do enjoy a bottle now and again, and these corks will add up. even ask your favorite bartender to save them. we need 60,000. i say "we," and by that i mean Kindred Kingdoms. they have someone that will donate money to them for every wine cork they hand over. and they need the money, with no end of injured wildlife, but plenty of funding sources and grants stretched to the max or drying up completely. i won't get into the buckets of mash & mealworms i observed today, and thank goodness you can't smell me through the computer...baby skunks aren't quite so cute when they get nervous. and they are always nervous. so please please don't forget the corks. i'm trying to wrangle a cool prize for the person collecting the most corks. (the real cork corks, not the ones that are plastic-y.) hmmm, maybe a baby skunk as a prize....nah.

i really try...

I do. I try to wake up, and be still, and pray/meditate/seek direction. but i don't seem to be able to pull it off...too many things swirling - coffee to pour, feeding of furry ones, feeding of self, potty breaks...oy. and i felt pretty guilty, having wanted to start my day with a prayer of gratitude and gentle direction to listen for. and i realized, finally, that after the furbabes are fed, and i have a warm mug of coffee in my hands, i can sit outside for a while, in my bathrobe of course, and listen to the birds waking up and getting busy, and smell the flowers in my garden wafting their scent to me, and hear the buzzing of the fat bumblebees starting their day. and in those moments, i don't need to form words and make logical prayer, because my heart is saying all that needs to be said...the deepest expression of my gratitude for those moments, and the time to relax in them, is being spoken by my spirit. and it was at that epiphenous moment that i realized that i had, indeed, entered in to worship. and that the prayer of my heart was answered. and that the rest of the words i would think to speak would be more like a Dear Santa list, rather than a conversation with Divine. it is in those moments when my thoughts are stilled and my mind is receptive. and in that time when my truest expression of art begins to bubble. and what better answer to any un-prayed prayer?

yesterday i did one of the most important things i suspect i'll ever do, short of donating a body part. and - double bonus - it was keeping a promise i had made to God year after year...i signed up to teach english to immigrants. doesn't sound earth-shattering, but imagine if you were dropped down in a foreign country...you had to leave quick, and had left most of your possessions and most of your family behind...you want & need to work, but can't read a job application, and without a job you can't pay rent or buy transportation....you may not be able to get proper medical care because you can't communicate with the doctor...you may not call police if you need to because you don't know how the system works and can't communicate your need when they do respond. the list is absolutely endless. and every so often, as i sat at my desk in the cube farm, i'd daydream about what i'd do if i had all this "free" time, and promised God i'd teach english/reading to people who needed to know. so yesterday i (finally) signed up. and am so excited i can't wait for the training to begin! Last night was a blast! it was international craft day, and the art store i go to (Commercial Art Supply) put on a huge bash...crafts from around the world, with matching f-o-o-d! what's not to love? and i got totally absorbed by block printing. totally. the general plan of the evening was that there were tables set up with each art/craft. you would pick a table of interest, work on that technique, then move to a different table. not so much for me. i sat there at the block printing table for close to 4 hours. then, of course, bought the official Speedball set up. because i am, after all, me. love it! Many many thanks to the art store for their incredibly generous pile of awesome materials and tools...and the coupons & prizes!! Leslie never stopped smiling even after a 12-plus hour day- she's a better person than me! maybe it was the sangria. oh - and we learned how to roll our own sushi rolls. brought back similar high school memories. (dave's not here, man). so today, as husband helps build a raptor enclosure, i will be re-working some necklaces, grocery shopping, walking diva (who had a very rough night with mini-thunder), and all those similar domestic goddess chores. for reward - i have a book on hold at Barnes & Noble, "Devotion," by Dani Shapiro. sounds very good. wishing you an excellent & restful weekend filled with wonderful treasures!

it's 6:02am. I have been up for 75 minutes in the cool almost-dawn. My crow mama has been caw-ing at the window, trying to get me to come back outside. Diva is snoring at my feet, and kitten is perched on the back of my chair snoozing, with one paw outstretched and resting on my shoulder. i am being watched over, that's for sure. i've given myself the week to recover from the Art Trail, and to regroup. being a person of forward motion, i have a tendency to react and surge ahead, rather than sit quietly and think things through. i'm done thinking, and ready to make some design changes that please me. i am so grateful for my life, have i mentioned that recently? so, in this cool almost-dawn moment, with snoring dogs and cawing crows and gentle paws on shoulders, i need to spend some quiet time in prayer & focus. wishing you a spectacular day!

shoulda known better

Every Fall, I go here to reunite with my tribe in the cedar-y, balsam-y smelling woods of New Hampshire. Every fall, I reunite with myself, and grow in amazing and unexpected ways. There is a June session also. They are just home and re-entering, and blogging about their time spent in magic. i should have known better than to peek at their pages. i should have known i'd end up a blubbery, slobbering mess. i should have known.

your heart's desire

this is delish.... from Hiro Boga... https://www.authenticpromotion.com/download/hiroboga.mp3 see it all here....

ps

i cannot recommend this book more highly

to love a person is to learn the song that is in their heart and to sing it to them when they have forgotten

the big show

so this past weekend was the first art/craft show I did with the lovely & talented Elizabeth. It was a huge learning experience, and I'm so grateful for that opportunity. It rained day one, which seems to be the way things go here. day two couldn't have been more perfect weather-wise. i am exhausted, dehydrated, and have a huge pile of stuff to put away - make that 2 piles. one in the garage, and one in the dining room. i just didn't have the heart for it last night. and actually, as i type this, i'm realizing i should have waited til i was coherant - like maybe wednesday. so i'll sign off now before i ramble about dryer lint or something inane. have a fantastically magical day!

as the wind blows hard another day, i began list #4. yes, i am a list-maker. compulsively. even more so since menopause blew through my body and snagged some brain cells that still had some shelf-life to them. in times of stress, i make lists. in times of excitement, i make lists. and now, i make lists of everything i'm likely to forget. everything in general. a quick trip to the grocery store for dog food is likely to have me returning home with a magazine, forgetting the grocery store entirely til i see diva's little fur face. my list making goes into high gear for Events Out Of The Ordinary - vacations, workshops, yes - and art fairs. like the one on saturday & sunday. i am most grateful that Elizabeth has been generous to share her booth with me. most grateful. on many levels. 1st, that she has been this generous. 2nd, that she has done this before, so she knows what to expect and what to bring. i would never have thought to bring bottled water, or a power strip. or lunch. yet one of my lists has 3 different types of pins on it. it isn't that i freak out. quite the contrary. i get so excited for List Events that the list-making itself is a way to quiet that over-anticipation...sort of like living a little bit of it, so i don't explode. it's like telling the kids they're going to Disney - waaaay before the trip. so every day is focused on getting to Disney. yes. that's me. my original list has the broad outline of what needs to occur, which is then broken down by day in a logical manner. there is bump time built in, in case i run long on a task, or just plain don't feel like doing anything that day. as each day ends, if there is a task not completed, it moves to the next day's list. mid-way to D-Day, i re-assess and see if i need to add/subtract from the list, and if i'm tracking good for time. this all sounds very strict and OCD, but it is how i get things done. if there are no List Making Events on the horizon, i just go with the flow. yes, i flow. so tomorrow is set up day. i have most things packed and ready to go. except 100 necklaces and their displays. pretty much the reason for going, wouldn't you say? to sell these necklaces? yep. the display will get finished, no matter what. but it was the task that overwhelmed me so much that i kept moving it to the next day. and broke my own rule. and now, there really is no next day. so perhaps it was all meant to be done today, so i didn't get caught up in the minutiae of it all, as i am wont to do. and although i feel some minor and fleeting twinges of panic, i know it will be okay. i hope it will be okay. it will be okay. throughout this, i've learned to say "yes" to help...from the incredible Ms. Szozda offering bags and T-Pins and all manner of advice and assistance, to Reg cutting foam core, and husband cutting even more foam core. i've learned that a good nap resolves almost everything, and whatever doesn't get fixed by a nap is probably not going to get fixed. i've learned not to squander my time, and use every minute with a grateful heart and acknowledging it's gift. i've learned that my diva's love and need for me is in direct proportion to the amount of time she has me in her day. at this point, she is pretty much attached to my ankle. awkward socks. i have also learned, again, when to depend on others, and when not to. and the difference between Depending on someone, and accepting their assistance. (too long a story even for me). i've learned how much i love the smell of the Delavan's hallways, and the sound the smooth wood makes under my shoes and the mysterious doors hiding wonderful creations. i think if i had a studio there, i'd have a dance party every friday evening. crank up some retro disco, grab a nice box of wine, (i know), some platform shoes, and do the hustle. just for 2 hours. then go create. shoo. everyone out. okay, maybe longer. i'm waiting for husband to cut more foam core, so i'm really not procrastinating here. but should go nudge him. have a dreamy day...........

ps

(click to read inscription) To all the June Squammies, know this: 1) I am incredibly jealous (but not in a mean way) 2) you have just accepted an incredibly life changing/affirming gift 3) go for the Belgian waffles at breakfast :)

double gratitude

i have been blessed by Elizabeths in my life...two of them! (actually three, but lost track of one). Elizabeth Moldenhauer is, well, she defies description in a 1 or 2 word "label." Let me say, at the beginning, make an excuse to get to meet her and get to know her. she is deceptive, though. at first you think, "oh. what a nice person," but if you watch carefully, you'll see she has magic powers. the work she is doing with autistic children is amazing. using felting as the medium of communication, she is unlocking these children. it gave me absolute reverence and goosebumps when she was telling me about her day. and that conjuring can change your own mood from grump grumble arrgh, to weeping gratitude in the matter of minutes. she is a person who quietly and gently makes you want to be a better person, just by being around her. and her artistic expression is pure candyshop wonderment. i am truly grateful for having met her. Elizabeth other-Elizabeth has the same effect, but in a different way. Elizabeth Maccrellish is all about Get Off Your Butt And Live Your Best Life. not that she's a drill sargeant...not at all. she is also of the ephemeral lightness of spirit that E1 travels with. But - E2...carry a fire extinguisher with you...she is about sparks and connections and excited words tumbling forth...and the whirl and twirl, but all in a way that doesn't consume your spirit. somehow this vortex-like enthusiasm is at once energizing and calming. you come to certain Knowing. quickly. but without bruising. i'm not sure if my head could survive the experience of having both of them in the same place, but it would do my heart such good. and that's the story of my two Elizabeths. i'll be away from the computer for a few days as i ratchet down to the final deadline on the westcott art trail work. Plus an art show deadline i just found out about - due tomorrow! yikes! Please stop by and say hello this weekend - I'll be located at Amy's house 423 Fellows Ave, with Elizabeth #1! If you're not familiar, the Westcott Art Trail is a fabulous weekend of art & fun! You can pick up a map at the Westcott Community Center, or go online & print one. There are hundreds (maybe not hundreds, but a Real Lot) of artists set up at "host houses" throughout the Westcott nation, selling, displaying and making art. The work is high quality and all handmade. Westcott is known for it's art community, and this event brings in artists from all around to be guests at the homes, yards, and porches of residents. it runs saturday 10-5, and sunday 12-5. i'll have some original collages, Talisman necklaces, and Intuitive Word necklaces. Lovely Elizaeth will have some of her luscious felted vessels and a few wallhangings, along with other treats ...if i don't buy it all first! stop by & say hello!! and to all who have asked - yes...I can make a "Squam 2011" necklace for you. send me an email or leave a comment and i'll get one right out to you. (V/MC/Discover/Amex - yes, I take it all!)

before anything, i would like to thank Lisa for her service to our country. I extend that gratitude to all the servicemen & servicewomen who have spent their years, during peacetime & in conflict, in service to our country. **************** the thunder and the rain have not stopped in days. DAYS, i tell you. normally that wouldn't bother me too much...i love the sound of rain on the roof when i'm working. however, there's a certain fierce & ferocious little diva that turns into a liquified lamaze coach when she hears thunder - all panting and pacing and wide-eyed. and it melts my heart to see her so terrified. and these violent storms usually hit right about the moment i'm laying my tired little keppie down for slumber. last night i finally hit the pillow at 2am, after talking her out from under the bed and holding her for hours. i think today we'll call the vet for some puppy prozac. it's gotten my days and nights mixed up, with long afternoon naps supplementing my meager nighttime attempts at sleep, and a general feeling of fogginess all around. In case you wondered, i'm almost ready for the summer festival season. almost. here are some places you can find me, along with the incredibly talented Elizabeth: June 4 & 5 ...Westcott Art Trail July 29-31 ...the Downtown Arts & Crafts festival August - TBD September ... Squam Art Fair October 8& 9 ... Lafayette Apple Festival (awaiting jury results) November TBD December ... Plowshares (awaiting jury results) I'll have Intuitive necklaces and collages (or combination thereof)for offering. Stop by and say hello, and please ask Elizabeth about the miraculous work she is doing with autistic children & felting. blows my mind. I am profoundly humbled at the opportunities gifted me. I am so grateful for the life i have been given, and the life that is being created around me. Last night, while I was calming Diva, i had the tv on for noise to drown out the storm (good luck). there was a show on about people who died during surgery or otherwise, and they all mentioned some form of a Life Review that they experienced - after dying, they stood before a Presence, who asked them "what have you done in your life to benefit your fellow man?" and then they went year by year. It is my hope, that this opportunity to be among so many people at these festivals will help me touch at least one life with the goodness i've experienced. and that touch can be a smile at the right time, or a small act of kindness. you just never know how far down a person is, and the smallest thread of a gesture will give them the lifeline they need. having worked in customer service type jobs a lot of my life, i understand that the nastiest people are often those who are hurting the most. sometimes, they're just born "breech sideways & nasty," as my neighbor says. but often, whatever situation prompted them to call, was just the final straw. so, it is my intention to keep my heart & intuition open to someone in need of an extra boost, and am grateful for the opportunity to be of service in this way. this, i have learned, is my work. i didn't intend to get all philosophical this early, and desperately need coffee, so i wish you a good day, with no thunder.

things i wished i said

my father died on October 7, 1977 at 7am. It was the day before I was to be married. a marriage that, subsequently, never took place. I am 7 years older than he lived to be. I was a different person...transitioning from willful teen to adult, in a home where no instructions for living were given...where my father's pride at being an excellent provider did not allow for my mother to work, nor for either of his children to learn the value of a dollar. we did as we pleased, spent what we wanted, and lived pretty much with an attitude of entitlement. in his job, he traveled and was away from the home 4 days out of the week, returning on friday to handwrite orders and call accounts to set up appointmments. there was no internet or email or voice mail. there was barely a touch-tone phone in most homes. the I90 was just being built. he drove back roads and county routes and Main Street USA's. he was diagnosed with cancer. and still he traveled. it was never discussed. we never knew what it was all about, or what he felt, or how the chemo was dragging him down or making him sick in hotel rooms far from home. he would go for chemo, then get on the road. always another account to visit. he was well respected in his field, even by his competition. when he was out for the final time, other sales reps covered his territory as well as their own, and his company kept the commission checks coming to us. his competition avoided most of the territory, in respect for what they were doing. these were the old days, when things like that happened. when he died, his sister arranged to have him brought to rochester, where she lived, to be assured of a proper jewish burial. i never thought to thank her for the incredible amount of arranging that must have entailed, as she grieved her younger brother. they had a very special bond that surpasses what any 2 children should have to experience together. my mother, brother & i were numb. surprised. he hadn't allowed for a conversation about his health, or for tying up loose ends, so we were taken completely by surprise when his trip to the ER for a backache ended 2 months later at his funeral. we rode in a limousine to an unfamiliar cemetery in an unfamiliar part of a town we didn't live in. it was many years before the ensuing chaos of our lives would settle enough to allow me to grieve. and by then, i had no idea where to find his grave. emails to cousins asking were replied to with news of family, but not the requested information. an intensive search on the internet and lengthy phone sessions led in circles - all of the jewish cemeteries had been consolidated at some point, and the only listing for a man with my father's last name proved to be a civil war veteran. today, as I began organizing my studio to collage, a picture of my dad fell onto the floor, and today, i again wished i could find where he was buried. just to stand there in front of something tangible and say what i need to say. i feel his presence in my life constantly, but i needed to have that granite in front of me, to mark the moment. today, my brother called from my father's gravesite. he found it. and miraculously. the former caretaker of the cemetery had been fired and left with all the records prior to 1989. by "chance," today Today This Day, the new caretaker was just about to start working on the site right next to my father's just as my brother pulled into the cemetery. so the caretaker knew exactly where to point him. my brother said he had been in this very same cemetery before, with no luck. my brother hung up when the caretaker came over to lead him, and i began to sob. there was so very much left to say when my dad died...so much left to hash through, grow through, make amends for, to move on after and become friends. i have tried to live every day to make him proud. but it isn't the same as standing in front of him and saying these things: I am sorry. I understand you now. I am sorry for the life you had growing up. I am sorry that I never thought to reach out to you. I am sorry for taking everything you provided for granted. I am sorry you worked so hard and enjoyed so little. I am sorry. and i thank you that you taught me so much with your example. and that you left a legacy worthy of a great man, worthy of the respect & remembrance that continues. There is so so much more, but it can only be spoken by the heart. the words have not been created to express the thoughts & feelings. so i will sit quietly and let my heart drain of the things that need to be given space & consideration. and soon, i hope to stand in front of the stone that marks where your body lay and know that your spirit and guidance and love have left that spot and have found a home in my heart. i feel the love you were never taught how to express. we both did our best for the time. i forgive us both for the relationship we were unable to have. and i love you, daddy.

rain rain go away

i wish...i wish....

addiction #237

i've developed an addiction to netflix art documentaries. there i said it. sunday i watched 3 Art City documentaries in a row (2 were good, 1 i fell asleep in the middle of), plus Herb & Dorothy(loved), The Cats of Mirikitani (very very good), Marwencol (disturbing but interesting), Jean-Michel Basquiat: The Radiant Child (good), Exit Through the Gift Shop (ok), Art & Copy (loved), The Cool School (loved), and finally, Beautiful Losers (liked). plus i re-watched Departures, one of my all-time favorite movies (Japanese with subtitles). told ya. oh - plus a podcast interview of Elizabeth Maccrellish which was wonderful wonderful, and made me homesick for her. for the record, i worked from 5am-1pm then watched movies. and made homemade chicken soup for sick husband. time is ticking for the festivals to start, and i feel like i haven't made nearly enough to sell. Strepson was in this weekend (yes - he has strep), though i barely saw him. Husband is sick today, and diva's tummy is chiming in just to be part of the crowd. i want to live in a hotel till everyone is better. of course, i may have started this immune attack, but that doesn't count. when i first left my job, i felt like i was under a cloud of grace, where anything i put my hand to would be perfect and everything i wanted would appear. i felt like nothing could possibly fail. so i began sending entries for jurying to art shows, and just had a knowing in my heart that of course i would get in to each and every one, and soon i would be sipping cocktails with the hoidy toidy art set and fahbulously wealthy. luckily i don't sip cocktails, and wealth is not my goal. and as for hoidy toidy - seriously? do i have to rant about that? no. today i got a thanks-but letter from a show i really had wanted to be in. and funny thing, i didn't do a death spiral to a dark place, nor did i start throwing art supplies at walls yelling You Suck. (for the record, i have never thrown art supplies). i didn't feel like it took anything away from me. hunh. i was genuinely disappointed, but in an even-keel sort of way. clearly, with 1000 entries, A LOT of people got the same letter I did today. and i had to smile, because they sent along the 2 free passes to the show. i took that as a nice gesture, anyway. but i have to think there will be others who received them and are thinking "What's this supposed to mean?? So I can come see what REAL art looks like??" i intend to go and enjoy the show, and see what's being done out in the world away from my studio. each jury is different and each has their slant, no matter how they try to stay neutral. and honestly, some do not try to stay neutral. there is an annual show locally that's a pretty big deal, with entries from all over the U.S., and the jurors are anonymous. but not so much. because each year they jury themselves into the show. imagine. so that's why i don't get my leggings in a bundle. there's always something. it may be they are looking for a different style or whatever. so i guess my lesson can be yours too - don't give up and don't ever take it to heart. the jury process is based on opinion, for the most part. art is not a math equation that's either right or wrong. it's subjective. even when we look at our own art - something i did yesterday and thought i should alert the media about, may look like dung to me today. so there you have it. so even though you didn't ask, there's the long answer. as usual.

well well well

we knew these days were coming...the mid-term exams, so to speak...the days when every second wasn't sprinkled liberally with twinkledust and no harps & violins greeted the day and Cinderella-like moments with birds and seamstress mice consorting and frolicking about and tiaras and just plain other-worldliness surrounded every fiber of every cell of every part of my being. (do cells have fibers?) (oh - i do still have the tiara). this has been a week of *New!* *improved!* web browsers that are so stinking bad, i had to figure out By Myself how to purge it from my life, while saving my settings & bookmarks, and return to the older, unimproved and waaaay better one. and i did. this was a week where my body said "whoa doggy!" in a way that meant business. and i listened to it. and rested. and returned to center. this was a week of old issues raising their ugly, nasty heads and coming to life once again. and the choice was mine on how to react. and i'm proud to say, i took the path less traveled by my usual shock-and-awe, knee-jerk reactive self. and i slept peacefully. this week, with all it's testing, did not break me. in fact, i'm pleased to say that the time of grace that swirled around me must have found a crevice and has lodged within my heart. for the most part. there is a Very Testing day ahead, but i think i can handle it with little damage. i think. i will try anyway. and i learned that feeling centered and balanced and all manner of glitterfied is not necessarily about eating vegetarian and wearing birkenstocks with black socks and not shaving my armpits. (although...) It's more about choices. choices that i make about how I will react to any given situation. and more than react, it's about how i will allow my heart & mind & body to perceive the situation and deal with it in that manner. it's about gaining control of my own perceptions. and i wish there was a Cesar Milan Perception Whisperer. and i think perception, in part, is based upon the end result...history upon history of result. since i always feel - felt - that it was up to me to make things right, to take command of a disaster and make it all sparkly again, then my reactions to a situation became based on the fact that i would be the one with the broom at the end of the parade. and since i had claimed that role for myself (whether by choice, or by habit), those around me let me live it. i have a lot of experience is disaster cleanup. and that speaks to my bad choices in those i allowed closest to me. i'm pleased to say that i've put down the broom. i will help clean up, but only to the boundary that feels right. and i have realized just how much i've taken on to corral into a circle called "mine." if you're the one holding the remote control, you have the ultimate responsibility on what show gets played. oh - did i say the word control? yeah, well. it's like this: Consider the sparrow. speaking of animals, (and 2 snoring furbabies at my feet reminded me), the 4 baby bear cubs are now joined by a bobcat with a not-so-appreciative streak, and 34 more assorted creatures in various & sundry states of distress. they appear in clumps, sometimes 25 at a time. with just Jean & Len to work their magic. it really is just the 2 of them, with an occasional volunteer. but mostly just them, trying to figure out how to set a broken wing hummingbird-style, or help a hawk with traumatic head injuries that is now physically healthy, but his internal gyroscope is whacked. and they do it. i'll just note here again quickly that their incredible work survives only only on donations. most grant resources have dried up or closed shop due to economic factors. so, if you've ever wanted to adopt a bear cub or bobcat, virtually speaking, go here and do just that. "as you've done to the least of them, so it will be unto you." well, the baby crows outside my window are reminding me to get a move on, and a pileated woodpecker is cackling away in the next tree, laughing at some inside joke. i defy you not to smile when you hear their call.

i will not be available the rest of the day - possible attack of the undercooked shrimp. if anyone knows a remedy, please post it!

wherein technology leaps often stumble

in the race for newer, better, faster, my Firefox has decided it is time for an upgrade. shame on me for not discerning the difference between "upgrade" and "update," but i've been a little busy here. i. do. not. like. the. new. one. My functionality has been dissed...my auto-password-loader-thing won't work with it, rendering me into a blubbering jello brain trying to scramble and remember passwords and logins. back in the early days, we were all advised to have completely different ones for each site. that way, if the bad guys got 1, they didn't get them all. but...that advice given to a peri/current/post-menopausal woman with way too much on her plate already is a recipe for frustration & disaster. plus, i come from a time when customer service meant you called someone and they politely & fully dealt with your issue. not click here or there, only to get an error message time and time again. posting to a forum? HA! there are unresolved and ignored pleas for help on there from last year. i just want to reload the old version. that's it. nothing more. i liked how it looked and worked. i don't need bigger, better, faster. and it isn't bigger or better or faster. so i've lost an hour of work trying to find Something Somewhere with instructions or a phone number. and i guess it's not entirely about this server thing. so much head & heart stuff has been scraped up recently. and i have to say that i actually welcome it. not only the purging and setting aside, but it's been interesting to watch myself deal with the issues. no panic, depression, etc...just gentleness with myself, and listening when my heart says to get out of my head and blast some Prince. or walk the dog. oh hi dog, yes, you do need a walk from time to time, huh? so that's where i'm headed. no pun intended. i have 1 week to make 50 more necklaces. please pass the Mountain Dew & Red Bull. speaking of animals, Kindred Kingdoms is bursting at the seams with some species...please see below. if you can help - you will have many rewards in this life and heaven.

adopt a bear

(older cub - already released) so what happens to 4 baby bear cubs when their mother is killed and they are left alone to fend for themselves? In this area, they are very very lucky. They go to Kindred Kingdoms, where they are raised until they are able to be released. they do not become pets, or trained for shows...they are handled properly with the intent of release. if they are injured, they receive proper medical care and rehabilitation, as do the swans and raccoons and eagles and falcons and turtles and skunks and over 900 (and counting) other animals so far this year. imagine a Dr. having 900 patients - and none of them spoke English. this incredible work is done by a husband and wife team that I have the great privilege to call friends. they dedicated themselves to this work many long years ago, and, in agreement, built their lives together in service to helping injured and orphaned wildlife...no vacations, dinner and sleep interrupted by feeding schedules and phones ringing with requests for help. i have seen baby hummingbirds with hurt wings, and injured opposum (opposums?) and (unfortunately) a cage full of baby skunks. yes - the baby skunks can raise a stink. i have never heard Jean raise her voice, or seen her have a bad day. she has had baby robins that need feeding every 15 minutes - 24 hours a day. and they do all this work on donations. this is their life's work and calling. it is rare, if ever, that i've used this space to ask for donations to anything, but as corporate and individual giving dries up, i am asking you all to please send something to help them out. i called this post "adopt a bear" because the 4 little cubs she has now still need formula...they are no bigger than diva. 1 bucket of this formula mix costs $90 and they've already slurped through 5. not to sound like Sally Struthers, but please visit their website and help them out if you're able. we're kanoodling a fundraiser to be held in the near future, but you don't want to tell a hungry bear to wait! so i thank you for listening, and i'm thanking you in advance for any help you can offer. just so you know - literally everything you donate goes directly to the medical care and feeding of the animals. every cent. please pass the word around blogland, as well, if you wouldn't mind. i have known this couple for 12 years, and have never met a more selfless couple. thank you!

Elizabeth M. if you're out there...call me! i need measurements to build a display.

ps

oops - forgot to tell you ...if you live in the Syracuse area...Saturday could be a busy day for you...the annual Radisson garage sale (if you don't live here, this sounds oh so Upstate, but it's 400+ houses all trying to outdo each other with what they consider garage sale material, and some very good buys on very nice stuff will be found) and also - Secret Lentil is selling tons and tons and tons of fabric for $1/yard. yep $1/yard. i peeked at some and wow! they're in the Delavan Center, 2nd floor. now here's an interesting thing to watch.

so no one wants to read through a self-serving rant, right? i offer my apologies for yesterday's post. working alone in a room all day gives the mind time to wander to dusty corners if you let it - and no matter how good your psyche's super-suck vacuum is, there's always that one corner, eh? so it appears some spring cleaning is on tap, despite the 46-degree weather. old stuff getting a good shake out. what i really need is an old-fashioned Amish rug beating, i think. that one last fear to be addressed. not to say i will then be fearless...i've just made a commitment to recognizing and dealing with fear as it appears. except, apparently, this one. i can't name it - abandonment? unloveliness? ach, who cares what it is called. but the shape of it is this: if i don't call, you may not call me. or if i don't fill-in-the-blank then the effort may not be returned. not to say that my emails and calls aren't from a very good and authentic place. no no no. it's just that there are moments when i wonder if i stopped all communication outward, what would come in to me. i could say it comes from my dad being gone 4 days out of the week traveling. i could say it comes from an emotionally needy, yet emotionally absent (to us kids) mother. maybe. maybe not. the fact is that i'm waaay too old to stop in one spot, turn backwards, and start pointing fingers. because the longer you stand in that spot facing backwards, the longer you aren't moving forward. and my life is all about moving forward and drinking in the incredible scenery. so these few days have been about gentle and gracious growth. butterfly wings fluffing up the dust in that corner. and there are 2 specific people in my life (unnamed) who just bring out the lights and sirens when it comes to those issues, and the past 2 weeks i have been bombarded with their names and faces on every turn. and they are in no way connected to one another, or even live in the same state. rather than just chastise myself for thinking bad thoughts about two perfectly fabulous people, i started to dig inside a bit to see why the polar reaction. and i have no answer yet. i don't feel that i have to like everyone, and everyone has to like me. not at all. although i am a pretty cool person. it's just an uncomfortable, visceral reaction to them that gets my attention, and not in a way that makes me proud. so i will use the same quietude that gets the dust riled, to figure this out, heal my own heart from whatever may come up, and move it out of my life. dust bunnies be gone! on a happier note....Oh. My. God. I have fallen in love with Jeremy Randall's pottery. love love love. the pictures are wonderful, but to see it in person....mmmm mmmm mmmm. yes, i had to own a piece. and now i do. and he's making another piece for me. i know, i know blah blah blah no income yet blah blah. but this was the equivalent to groceries for me - a necessity. i would forever regret not being able to see and touch this every day. he has a method of embedding nails and tacks into the clay before it's fired, and the glaze - i've never seen glaze work like this...sort of a pastel powdery finish. the colors are all light and beautiful, but then there's the metal juxtaposing. and the whole thing makes me swoon. such beauty. lord have mercy. it was my plan to finally frame & hang all the incredible artwork i've collected, and been given, now that i have my studio to myself. but i'm seeing that i need a few more walls. i started hanging some of my own work throughout the house. seems strange that i never did before, right? but it was kind of a don't ask-don't tell feel to the whole I'm An Artist thing here. In the past few months, WHAM...a 180. Husband is proud of my work and actually talks about it to other people, and i don't feel like i have to pretend that it's my little hobby. we have finally begun our marriage as a team, as partners. after 10 years. i have given up trying to be a control freak, and he has given up pushing back every little point. and that opened our hearts to one another instantly . we still come from different starting points, but there is a respect for one another that is just so sweet. do i expect rumbles from time to time? i suppose there will be. and there is 1 topic in particular that brings out the stress, but i think we've both learned that we are a team, and i can give some and he can give some, and we'll win this potato sack race called Life. okay - back to pounding teeny tiny bitty eyelets into teeny tiny holes.

ants in the pants

i can't seem to get down to business today - ants in the pants. i got up at dark o'clock (as usual!) and after spending THREE hours online and looking through catalogs for a specific item i need in order to proceed, i was just tired. a friend, Donna, who owns Fancifuls saved the day, suggesting 2 of her findings for me to try. (Note: she has 50-gazillion charms in her online store, and she can rattle off the item number of each of them. check out the site ...good people, good product, very very good value). (50-gazillion is an estimate, and there may actually be more). By then, I just wasn't in the mood to hammer, patina, or otherwise construct and conjure jewelry. so i think the best course of action will be a shower (i know, right?) and a walk with diva. followed by some window shopping at Barnes and Noble. i bought a quick read "Nanny Diaries" at a used book sale last week, in prep for The Prep. It's pretty funny (the book, definitely not the prep). am trying to stay out of my own head about an issue that's always been a sore spot for me: returning calls/emails. i am a constant communicator. it's a fault. i am aware. however...when a message is left for someone that specifies that some information is needed from them, or that you do need a call back, it is rude to not call or email. it just is. it's hurtful to the person waiting. i will always say "no response needed - just wanted to say hi," or something similar if no response is needed. i am also aware that i may appear to have more time on my hands than someone working in an office. and true, i can pick up the phone whenever i want, but...i am dependent on my own work ethic to get anything done, and am often waiting for your information in order to complete a portion of a project. or finish a plan. and i recognize that many people who don't work in an office are busier than i can imagine ever. and i accept that it may take a few days to return a call. but please jot an email or leave a voice mail to let me know you've even received the message from the phone answerer who may be a child, and/or not so reliable. sorry - i didn't mean to go ranting...it's a peeve of mine that is fighting to find prominence in my thoughts today. which makes a shower and a walk in the woods a perfect choice to chase it away.

a short walk

...all evidence of spring. I will not be available for the next 2 days as i prepare for a minor procedure/test. i am not allowed to eat today, so of course all i look at reminds me of food...mmmmyummy garlic or cat chow or bird seed or almost anything could be food related. Jello is not a food, and chicken bullion does not a breakfast make. i am dreaming of a meal for tomorrow afternoon....meatloaf....Shepard's pie....maple donuts with chocolate oozing off the top and pizza and....okay no more. the computer is starting to look edible, and i'm killing myself here. wish me luck

feeling royal

last night, my mother told me she was getting up at 4am to watch the royal wedding. that's my mom! being Canadian, she has the monarchy mindset. so, when i awoke at 4:50am this morning, i flicked on CNN and soon grew transfixed with all the hoopla. (don't tell anyone). The most memorable moment for me was not the outrageous hats or gilded coaches, but the sermon given by the Bishop of London. I remember thinking he was a very personable man, with none of the affectation others in his position may choose. he was warm, and funny, and genuine. the kind of Bishop you'd hang with by a campfire. and his sermon was so beautiful, that i lifted it from the royal website and left it here for you to share: The Bishop of London's Sermon 29th April 2011 “Be who God meant you to be and you will set the world on fire.” So said St Catherine of Siena whose festival day it is today. Marriage is intended to be a way in which man and woman help each other to become what God meant each one to be, their deepest and truest selves. Many are full of fear for the future of the prospects of our world but the message of the celebrations in this country and far beyond its shores is the right one – this is a joyful day! It is good that people in every continent are able to share in these celebrations because this is, as every wedding day should be, a day of hope. In a sense every wedding is a royal wedding with the bride and the groom as king and queen of creation, making a new life together so that life can flow through them into the future. William and Catherine, you have chosen to be married in the sight of a generous God who so loved the world that he gave himself to us in the person of Jesus Christ. And in the Spirit of this generous God, husband and wife are to give themselves to each another. A spiritual life grows as love finds its centre beyond ourselves. Faithful and committed relationships offer a door into the mystery of spiritual life in which we discover this; the more we give of self, the richer we become in soul; the more we go beyond ourselves in love, the more we become our true selves and our spiritual beauty is more fully revealed. In marriage we are seeking to bring one another into fuller life. It is of course very hard to wean ourselves away from self-centredness. And people can dream of doing such a thing but the hope should be fulfilled it is necessary a solemn decision that, whatever the difficulties, we are committed to the way of generous love. You have both made your decision today – “I will” – and by making this new relationship, you have aligned yourselves with what we believe is the way in which life is spiritually evolving, and which will lead to a creative future for the human race. We stand looking forward to a century which is full of promise and full of peril. Human beings are confronting the question of how to use wisely a power that has been given to us through the discoveries of the last century. We shall not be converted to the promise of the future by more knowledge, but rather by an increase of loving wisdom and reverence, for life, for the earth and for one another. Marriage should transform, as husband and wife make one another their work of art. It is possible to transform as long as we do not harbour ambitions to reform our partner. There must be no coercion if the Spirit is to flow; each must give the other space and freedom. Chaucer, the London poet, sums it up in a pithy phrase: “Whan maistrie [mastery] comth, the God of Love anon, Beteth his wynges, and farewell, he is gon.” As the reality of God has faded from so many lives in the West, there has been a corresponding inflation of expectations that personal relations alone will supply meaning and happiness in life. This is to load our partner with too great a burden. We are all incomplete: we all need the love which is secure, rather than oppressive, we need mutual forgiveness, to thrive. As we move towards our partner in love, following the example of Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit is quickened within us and can increasingly fill our lives with light. This leads to a family life which offers the best conditions in which the next generation can practise and exchange those gifts which can overcome fear and division and incubate the coming world of the Spirit, whose fruits are love and joy and peace. I pray that all of us present and the many millions watching this ceremony and sharing in your joy today, will do everything in our power to support and uphold you in your new life. And I pray that God will bless you in the way of life that you have chosen, that way which is expressed in the prayer that you have composed together in preparation for this day: God our Father, we thank you for our families; for the love that we share and for the joy of our marriage. In the busyness of each day keep our eyes fixed on what is real and important in life and help us to be generous with our time and love and energy. Strengthened by our union help us to serve and comfort those who suffer. We ask this in the Spirit of Jesus Christ. Amen. Go start that fire....within.

ok enough already...3 straight days of thunder & lightning has driven diva to the very precipice of a nervous breakdown. i have a call into the vet for puppy Prozac, as one more storm will just do her in. it is heartbreaking to see her pant and panic, and Uncle Bill & I try to comfort her, to no avail. we turn up the TV and close the curtains, but she has a sense about things. she's barometrically sensitive. she freaks out long before SkyTracker knows there's a blip in the jet stream. we tried ignoring her panic, thinking she'd see how calm and unconcerned we were about the angels bowling. nothing helps. she's just terrified. and it's cute to watch kitten try to comfort her... as much as diva has given her nothing but growls and rebuffs, kitten stays by her and tries to get her to play. maybe it's comfort, maybe taunting, who knows. but even that isn't working. and then the inevitable morning-after shadowing. she will not leave my side. so i feel so deeply terrible for her. she was never afraid of thunder until she saw Kita melt down with the first boomer. (it was a blessing when his hearing went). i suppose there is a life lesson here about the legacy we leave...the ripple we start...with our thoughts, words, attitudes. i get it, but don't have time to light a candle and breathe in that lesson, as i am too busy carrying around a 25-pound barrel of panting, drooling, quivering mass of flying fur. i am grateful that she had a dental cleaning recently or her breath would have wiped out a generation of humans in this house. this morning's weather map was just plain ugly, so i dragged her out from her hidey spot and down to the park we went before the whole thunder/fear sequence began in earnest. luckily, my neighbors are used to seeing me walk down the street in pj's and a raincoat like an aging derelict. and that act must have caused a neener neener reaction to the storm front blowing towards us, and the rain went elsewhere before it hit. so i'm off to shower and get dressed, then finish what we started at the park. tonight i have the extreme pleasure of collaging with Noma Bliss. great name...huge talent. have been ticking off the hours & minutes for weeks! Uncle Bill will have to take over compassionate duty.

pass the alcohol please

i don't claim to know everything, but i have had some experience in some issues that, when they occur, would make you turn immediately to me for advice. as in - this could only happen to Linda...i'll call her. and the thing is, you would think that after learning a particular lesson, i would be able to recall the end result and apply it to other similar experiences about to occur. you would be wrong. take for instance the absolute fact that diva will only feel calm-ish in the tub, should thunder occur. i don't question it, and in the middle of the night when a thunderstorm hits, you'll find me sleeping in the bathroom with her ... she in the tub, me on the cool tile floor. the hard, cool tile floor. because she is my love and i am a freak. so you would think that just before i applied hair color this afternoon, and heard the thunder and saw the cowering fluffball at my feet, you'd think that i would connect the inevitable dots and realize that the minute i needed the tub to rinse the color out, she would need the tub to feel safe. you would be wrong, had you thought that. and for a few minutes, just before the color dripped into my eye, as i bent over the cool porcelain with the handheld shower thingie rinsing out color and creating about 3 inches of water the color of Garnier Brown Sugar it all seemed fine. then i felt something on my right side, and heard SpLaSh. it's a coin toss who was more surprised. but, my white dog was getting brownish around the hemline, and i was helpless to stop her from jumping out and running to another spot of safety. it was easy to find her 10 minutes later as i dripped now-rinsed hair through the house. i just followed the footprints. to the closet. on top of the dry cleaner bag. yes. grateful, in a sense, that we haven't yet changed out the Very Brady avocado shag carpet, but seeing that the area just outside the bathroom was now Buttercream AND Brown Sugar was just so much sad. and you certainly can't blame the dog. but i really wished there was someone else to blame besides myself. yes. the cat was having none of it, taking a luxurious spit bath and wondering how i would clean this one up. water seemed to spread it, and there was still the issue of containing the damages, since at any moment, the paws could panic and race around the house again. so i tell you, it is not a savings to color your hair at home. that sense of satisfaction - a myth. and now i'm afraid to spray anything on it, lest it mix with the color chemicals and blow up the house. learn from this.

eek yike really? has it been that long since i posted?? well, my apologies. so much and so little has been happening, it's hard to keep up. where to start? okay - first, a luscious, juicy book you must own. MUST. i sat in B&N hugging it, trying to decide if i should sit there for 3 hours in the parking lot reading it and drooling like some woman who lives in her car, or race through grocery shopping to get home to read it & pet it. i went with choice #2. mistake. every person in my zip code was shopping. EVERY. but i made it. and i highly prize this book. it came to it's forever home with me just in time...i've been working like Gepetto on jewelry for some upcoming shows/festivals, and haven't touched a single drop of collagination since the gallery show. this has me feeling that nagging out-of-sorts kinda feeling, but just a little bit, like i want to clone myself so i can make this jewelry AND collage. i feel like i was growing so much in that work, and now feel like "gel medium? what's that again?" But i'm hoping to start slapping some paint around very soon. i have to say that a combination of factors have wizarded their way into my life, and marriage-wise....it is what i wished for 10 years ago. yes i said that. we are together a lot, and not killing each other. we are talking....actually talking. i think the level of respect has risen considerably, and the appreciation for each other abounds. i am ever grateful for the time i have working as an artist, and not hearing or feeling any pushback or pressure. this has me swooning. i cannot tell you how very very sad it was to live in this house the past bunch of years. but it was. and i don't say that for pity or sainthood. i am glad i listened to my inner voice that told me to stay, even as i looked at houses and apartments and made plans to leave and bought coffee makers and tupperware and sheets and spoons and hid them elsewhere. and even as friends probably tired of the stay/go/stay cycle of my life, i couldn't move one way or the other until i had peace about the decision. and neither felt right. so what's a person to do? but i'm here and happy and diva's happy. so why am i feeling a twinge of "out of sorts?" it's gets lonesome sometimes. i'm used to being in a group of people, no matter how annoying they are, or i am to them. there is always a coffee break. there is always a joke to tell. there is always someone working next to me to listen to the sound of their voice. as much as i am grateful beyond grateful for where my life is now, i am pretty much alone all day. and that gets distracting. and i find myself getting too far into my own head at times. there's a lot to be said for a random Hello call from a friend, or a chatty email. there really is. no, i'm not anywhere in the Depression Zone. just in need of mindless conversation from time to time. or even juicy and deep conversation. i'll even do your laundry if you stay & chat. my house has never been this clean. the laundry has never been this up-to-date. folded and put away. yes. i said that. the dog has been walked to within an inch of her life. the cat runs when s/he sees me. i long for our old landline so i can talk to telemarketers. okay, now you know i'm totally exaggerating, right? it's just a rainy day, with a husband on a rare out-of-town trip to a fabulous Adirondack town. and i'm 1 shade of light blue, but have a billion things to do, so shouldn't be wasting your time with this monologue. the short version is: i am good. better than good. reading this blog does not constitute keeping in touch. i miss you. i'm excited for things about to happen. my diva is yowling like the little wolf she is, and i have to go throw Squeaky Mouse With The Light Up Eyes before that dog explodes. current favorite tea: Constant Comment yummm! listening to BB King, Aztec 2-step and Aerosmith. Trying not to listen to Jonatha Brooke, as it would make me homesicky.

didja ever wake up on your bathroom floor and wonder, "how the hell did i get here??" yeah, well, add to that, a terrified diva dog who feels comfort only when her quaking little furbody is laying across your head. the origin of the saying "hair of the dog" no doubt. well, among the things that frighten poor diva (and the list is endless), among those items, under "t" is thunder. and last night out of the blue, with no warning, around 2am REM-sleep time, there was an explosion, of sorts, in the sky. 1 loud BANG right over our house. huge bang. the house shook kind of bang. like, who's got the meth lab, loud bang. no rain. no nothing spritzing. just bang and FLASH. so it was the flash/bang that got her going. uncle Bill was so sweet with her, trying to soothe her nerves (i could have told him he was in for the long haul) but she was not to be calmed. after about 15 minutes, the rain finally caught up, bringing lesser attempts of thunder & lightning, so any promises of "all gone" were seen for the sham that they were. so after an hour, i did the only thing i knew would help...grabbed my pillow and her woobie, and followed her to the bathroom, where she promptly jumped into the tub and cowered. (sidenote: who the heck design a house with a skylight right over the toilet?? i do not want to be found charbroiled in the tinkletorium).) i settled down for a nice comfy sleep on the tiles. i was too tired to bother with any padding, having quite enough natural waddle to cushion anything. bath sheets and an extra bathrobe for blankets. and i was tired enough to fall into a nice sleep. and for many short hours, it worked, despite the clawless cat trying to wear a hole in the door to see what the party was about. it almost worked. till the "angels bowling" really turned competitive. and around 4am, diva had to pee. it seemed quiet, so we headed to the door, she bolted out, heard a boom, turned tail and ran back in. i tried the old, "let's go out front" trick, as if it's all different weather out there. and it was working till 1 little paw touched driveway, and a blinding flash scurried her back in. i begged her to just go tinkle in the garage, but she is a Good Girl. so i feel for her, but can't help. right now, we're in the livingroom with the chocolate brown velvet curtains drawn tight to keep the flash out, and the tv on to try to block out some boomers, but they are persistant. the weather report is ugly. i will be cleaning carpet today, i have no doubt. and can i say this? as awesome as Uncle Bill was with little diva who torments his very life, one of the first things he did from a dead sleep was grab the remote and check the weather channel. for real. and remarked that there was nothing showing on the map. as if we were having a communal dream/nightmare, possibly from the chicken i made last night that may have been a tad undercooked. just a few degrees maybe. but enough to induce heartburn and cramping. so maybe it was a blessing that i was already in the bathroom, just in case. the local weather map shows it may be ending soon. i say "feh" and will believe it when i see it. and for the record, and apropos of nothing...if i see that incredibly annoying & poorly written Arby's commercial 1 more time....

breakfast break

ok - maybe i'm getting old, or maybe i just love Chai so much, i was willing to try to choke down oatmeal that was Chai Spice in order to get a chai fix, but... i tried this Chai Spiced Oatmeal and i am hooked. an addict. got to have it. the oatmeal itself is a good consistency - no wallpaper pastey stuff, no drippy, icky stuff. perfect. and i love that the envelope is also the measuring container for the water! and that they have sugar-free options. and that the flavors are Just Right - i don't feel like i'm eating some candy-coated mess. (i mean, come on...a chocolate covered sticky mess of a breakfast bar....nutritious?? just what are they feeding us?). so, i don't work for the company )or really any other company) but think you may like this....mmmmmmmm

good morning! after a few weeks of adjustments, it seems my body may be heading back to it's normal early bird routine, which is a blessing. (this is not a picture of my adjusted body. this is the cat). now that i can nap if need be throughout the day, getting up early feels right. last week i lazy-bones until 8-ish, but then felt like i had wasted a good chunk of productive hours of the day. and strangely, i was tired tired tired all day, needing to nap by 2pm, and sleeping for 2-3 hours. i would fall asleep again not long after dinner. the one thing i notice is that i am mostly fine throughout the day, but will sometimes get such a lonely streak. having had my entire working life surrounded by other people to take a chat break with, or working in radio where it's my j-o-b to talk, there are moments now where chatting with diva just doesn't fill the bill. speaking of which, she is entirely pissed off at me. my plan had been to be able to give her 2-3 Very Good Walks a day. it hasn't worked out so well. the weather has been downright snotty - high winds, rain & snowlets & mini-sleet - and she's all curled up next to me snoring and i just feel so cozy and not at all motivated to layer on the clothing and rainboots to go out into that stuff for an hour. so we pretty much do the necessary potty breaks and then back to shelter. she's getting grumpy and stiff, so i need to plan at least 1 good walk and 1 mini-walk into our day. she doesn't care much for play, lately...her idea of a game is to fetch her toy, but go hide it in her lair after 1 toss. game over. then she looks at me like "ok what next." i'm home today, and we're taking PSD out for dinner: an all-you-can-eat crab leg dealio at a nearby restaurant. this, in honor of the beginning of the new season of Deadliest Catch. i know - very geekified. but it's the one TV show husband and i can agree on, even though neither of us watches too much TV. i tend to favor documentaries, and he likes sports. i've eaten seafood all my life with no problem, but noticed on our honeymoon in St. Thomas that suddenly at this stage in my life, my lips seem to take on Angelina Jolie proportions after eating shellfish. no breathing issues, just the lips. oh, and my ears itch. so look out Brad Pitt, i guess. too bad the rest of me doesn't implode here and there to take on the Other proportions, much like the Nutty Professor's Buddy Love. ah well. ya win a few, ya gain a few. well, the sun is starting to peek through the trees and starting to tap me on the shoulder to get busy, so i'm off.

wow

something to crow about...

post #900!

wow ...this is officially post 900! and some exciting news (if you aren't sick of my cheerfulness yet)...i am launching (sounds so pretentious, right?) a new website! the details are coming soon soon, but i have to get everything in place before i spill all the beans like the Bush's Baked Beans dog. this has been an incredible few months, crammed with opportunity and gratitude. i feel like i am totally in the flow of life, or at least the part where i fit in. has it all been roses and candy canes? not a chance. like the $2k car repair bill that hit right after my company declined to pay me vacation pay owed to me (we are still talking about it, and i hope they do the ethical thing). things like that. things that used to send me to the moon in full freak-out mode. it's so strange to have this peace that everything is as it should be. and will unfold as it should. so instead of trying to force things to go my way, i've been sitting quietly in the morning and settling into the shimmerdust...trying to get a glimmer of what is expected of me that day, and where my energies need to be focused. i have a clear plan of the point-A-to-point B type, and have a clear notion of where i need to be plan-wise by certain benchmarks (i am a planner, after all), but each day will hold something a little special...a side trip that needs to be taken, or a moment with diva that needs to happen, or a body that needs some extra care & keeping & rest. i'm trying to stay on track, and focused, but also allow for flexibility. and it really is working well. as i get into my body's True Rhythm, it is easier to manage things like rest and pain and happiness and productivity, and be the physical person i need to be. yes, i said happiness. what i've found is that there were so many hours spent on obligation to things that were not written into the script of my life, that simple things like a smile from the heart got pushed aside in favor of getting that last load of laundry done. and now i find that i gladly do the things like laundry that were a source of friction before. because i have time. is it all roses? no. the dr did find another nodule, but is not worried. watch and wait and see. so for now it's not on my radar. today the word Trust is being constructed. and it's a good word to take along.

yes - i'm busy at work (tho obviously not photography lessons)... but want to take a quick break to say something....at the risk of sounding Pollyanna and all rose-colored glasses, I want to tell you that my life has become the most abundant and passionate and incredible thing. period. every single day Every Single Day, there is Something So Wonderful. a challenge is presented, and before i can even say a prayer for help, BAM! the resolution is there - in spades. i. am. gobsmacked. And as annoying as it probably was to listen to me whine and bitch about life for the past bunch o' years, i have to say, if you are intent on swimming in the muck, you will not like me. i've not become a proselytizing maniac...but this calm, certain, solid alien person has, indeed, taken over my body. point in case - by 8:15 this morning, i was facing a $2000 car repair bill...a simple inspection visit with a "check engine" light went kaphlooey. (and my mechanic is as honest as the day is long). a quick check of the calendar reveals that i am a mere 11 days out of warranty. so i took a chance on my last drop of gas, and drove a block down to the dealership. right? i know - never go to a dealership for service. long story short, at 4pm i got a call...$100 + tax. they would honor some of the warranty, and the rest....who knows. yeah, so that's the kind of stuff i'm talking about. juicy stuff. stuff that makes you lay on your face on a studio floor type of grateful. so now you can understand why i haven't posted...how, just how, do you tell all this stuff? how do you feel such incredible gratitude and not be humbled? and it wasn't because i saved baby kittens, or ran through a burning building to rescue people or devoted myself to lepers on an island somewhere. i think - my theory is - when you are in the place in life that you belong, magic happens. and everyone has a place. and i believe that it is there for everyone who is listening, and trusting, and doing what they know in their heart of hearts they must. Art is the language i speak, much like people in Spain speak spanish, and in France speak french. it is that simple. and to be away from art, is to be deprived of my language...to be living comfortably in a foreign land where i'm unable to communicate effectively. not very comfortable after all. i choose to call the magic-maker God. it is my belief system. you may call it the Universe, or Buddha or Left Toe for all it is of my business. but at this moment in my life, i have been given such a sweet gift, and rather than feel unworthy, or suspicious, i finally just said Thank You. and it's a pretty darn good gift, ya think?

"If there is any secret to this life I live, this is it: the sound of what cannot be seen sings within everything that can. & there is nothing more to it than that." - Brian Andreas What a great morning! Met my friend Dan at the flea market at early o'clock (btw if you check out his website - those are NOT photographs - they're paintings!)...my intention was to find vintage chain for my growing inventory of Intention Word necklaces that I'm making for some upcoming festivals. the process so far has been enjoyable and actually fun, and not without it's challenges to resolve. even that has been a stress-free process. i did a mini purge of the studio yesterday, as i gathered up some interesting metal objects that i thought Dan might like, and came across a bagful of sequins, teeny beads and onesie larger beads that i knew i would never use. for some reason, i grabbed that bag as i headed out the door. the first vendor i went to The First, i tell you, had an amazing old-style jewelry box that opens at the top, and then has trays that rise out to the sides, and has a drawer. it was crammed with costume jewelry...some nice, some not so nice. he wanted $30 for it. he was on crack, obviously. i had my bag of beads handy. i offered him $10 and the bagload. his friend said "she's got money - it's an Anthropologie bag," and i thought the deal was sunk. i also wondered how it could be that a man who hadn't showered in days, perhaps lived in his Chevy Vega and felt that $30 was a great deal, how this person had heard of Anthro, let alone knew pricing at the store. not to sound cheeky, but if it weren't for my PSD, i would probably never heard of Anthro, let alone checked on retail pricing. i explained (okay - lied) that the bag was given to me with some doodads. he wavered, so i turned it around and said, well, hey - the bag alone must be worth $5, right? deal struck. so i have a nice display piece, plus a bunch o' vintage chain. i'm hoping handsome husband hangs up my ginormous blackboard tonight so i can organize entry dates and deadlines. i'm a visual person, and need to see everything lined up like that or it's all a garble. ok - after listening to me whine, moan, complain, be depressed, be ready to walk off the very edge of the earth for all these years...i feel you should know ...i am the happiest i've ever been in my life. not the kind of manic happy that is a pain in the ass to be around. just content and excited and centered. and filled with gratitude. so very grateful. and to make it even better, there is a crow couple making a nest right outside my studio window! i'm taking some bright yarn down to them right now. a little interior design. the next week will be a busy one with a few deadlines and doctor appts & tests, but i'll be checking back in. lovin' spring. Linda

you know, i re-read yesterday's post and thought seriously of deleting it, lest it be too offensive. but i decided not to...had a strong feeling to leave it. just like i had no idea where it came from. i sat down to catch up with you, and tell you all the happythings, and this just needed to be said. yes, it's my blog and i can say whatever i want, but i am nothing if not compassionate and inoffensive, and yes, would self-edit if someone close to me was truly hurt by something. words are mighty, and carry a strong power. the person i was "speaking" to in my post would not recognize me on the street from a fully operational Burger King droid, so to my posse of walking wounded warriors, i remain within your ranks and offer apologies and apple cake if you thought i was dissing you. there is no dissing intended in the post, anyway. just a strong feeling that there was a teetering going on, and slathering on more icing to a toppling cake never works. (trust me in the literal sense). so onward. things are moving faster than the speed of one of my engagements. there is a chunk of this that is Not My Story To Tell, and i do not have permission to tell it, so if the dots don't connect in parts that's why. (i'll hum when i get to a part that needs glossing over). Hmmmm mmmm mmmmm, then i left my job, and the minute the Very Minute i typed the words into the computer stating my intention to become unemployed, i got a cell call offering me a job in radio. i would voice track a show, which means i could show up at the studio on a sunday at 10pm in my pj's and track stuff that you'd be listening to while you ate lunch on tuesday. yummy! check please! and New Supportive Husband said "i think you should concentrate on your art and give that a fair shake...don't do the radio thing." wha? but i figured what the hey, a few extra bucks might be okay. but whether or not i end up doing it, it was an affirmation in a long & unmistakable string of affirmations that gobsmacked me into the right path, and continue to keep me there. The recent show of my collages opened up some incredible opportunities. which led to other opportunities. and challenges that have crossed my path have been resolved in ways that are nothing short of miraculous...and i am not overstating that. truly truly miraculous. and that almost made me welcome the challenges in order to see the unfolding of the resolution - it was/is that amazing. and when i say "unfolding," i don't mean in biblical time or waiting for your turn in the potty line at the Dome time...i mean like pull this tab and the lifeboat inflates time. PFFFOOOWAWA BAM time. and i have never been more comfortable in my own skin. i am having a crush on myself for the first time in a long time. (within reason). and i believe it's because i am not fighting the tide, but riding the current...i am where i belong, just like Swirly's postcard says "you are exactly where you belong." and even though it involves some difficult stuff hmmm mm mmmm mmm, there is such sweet balance that it all feels right. and it has allowed me more time with Diva. she is, for all her crankiness, getting old before my eyes, and i am most grateful to be able to spend more time with her. off track completely here, but let me just say - if you have a company, or work at a company that has graphic design, web design, or advertising needs - you Must call Leonard Assante. I have never met a more incredible person...design-wise, person-wise...pick a category-wise. he is incredibly talented, and will make you rich. (it should be noted that I take responsibility for any/all outlandish claims here). but he is the real deal. and that's a wrap.

the care & feeding of a blog

yes, i know...if this blog were a child, then social services would have removed it from me weeks ago. my apologies. it's been a bit hectic in the day-to-day change-your-entire-life department, and most of it so mundane, i would be embarrassed to write it...like "oy! such a day! i shaved BOTH legs today. i need a rest." well, a bit more than that, and some pretty miraculous things jetting about, but (for once) i cannot find the proper words to properly express them, so i need to wait until that's possible. i am a person of schedules and lists. i am a planner & do-er. i have been told that i can plan the fun out of a vacation. and it's true, although i have gotten better with that. (okay, we have a window from 2-3 where we can do something wild & spontaneous...how about a shoe shop?). so i have lists and orderly chaos...the house is still upside down from the Room Exchange, but looking better. and i find that by controlling the chaos, i can have better quality "down" time & not worry that i forgot something. and with that time, i've caught up on some blogs. it feels like a reunion, catching up with the daily stuff of friend's lives. and i have to say, some blogs, i want to call the person (if i actually knew them) and say "are you STILL in that place??" i have stared down depression in my life, and the score is about even as to who won which round. and it became a cozy rut to be the Depressed Friend who needed consoling and cheerful little emails and such, that, when you think about it, is really a cry for love and proof of affection, which is really a statement on self-love (or the lack). and i don't mean DO NOT MEAN people who have recently lost a loved one, or had some other mad life-altering thing happen. i am talking about the people who have found their identity in being the vulnerable victim of life. it gets tedious and strenuous being a friend to that person. i give all my friends credit for hanging in there, as i went through that. (especially you-who-know-who-you-are). if you recognize yourself in this identity, this persona of poor-me, please - stand up, put on some funky clothes & makeup, turn around and give it the finger. trust me. there is learned behavior, and after a while, you knee-jerk react to everything the way of a habit...your glass will always always be half-empty, and if it isn't, you'll spill some out so it is. you are not loved by the volume of kind words sent you. you are loved when you can get up, smile into the mirror (well, once in a while), and Reach Outward with no agenda to get reached back to. i have no idea why this is spilling out now. it just is. and shame on me for not having patience at times with people who are the mirror image of what i have been. maybe it's too grisly of a reminder of what can happen to me if i don't give good stewardship and gratitude to the contentment i have worked for. not sure. but to the person who's blog i visited, perhaps for the last time, please - get help, and please do the work honestly and seriously, before it becomes less of an attention-getting thing, and more of an ingrained response - a hole you cannot dig out of. i'm sorry if i sound uncompassionate. that is not my intent At All. depression is a big, bad booger that can drop from the ceiling onto your best dress at any time. i guess this rant is aimed at helping 1 specific person that i have met, and have occasional emails with. she has the potential to do great things, but has chosen, instead, to be a victim of herself. so much the shame. who knows what greatness lies within? so after this hit-or-miss posting schedule, i come up with this?? fortheloveofgod. okay - dog screeching, cat vomiting,tea water overboiling. bye for now.

ok - i'll try again, but the dog is thrilled that it's way past her regular bark-at-the-school bus time AND mommy's still home so it's time to play with chirpy mouse. i have 2 big open spaces to rearrange and make suitable for my self: one is my studio - a large 22x22 room upstairs that must be semi-gutted, purged, painted and redesigned. by sunday. each piece must be vetted for worthiness of space. the other space: my life. a big, open road ahead. both tasks equally exciting. one a little more straightforward than the other. a gloomy, rainy day outside is perfect for being productive inside. clear the clamor, spend it in gratitude. now you know how my life goes...setting intentions like these can usually guarantee a Lucille Ball outcome. but it is my intention to seek a balance between the gentle calm, and the incredibly complex & eventually hysterical things that often befall me. it is my intention, for instance to move a large desk out of my studio. i can already forsee a Groundhog Day-like return to the Incident of Being Stuck Holding a Desk On Stairs for 3 hours till someone comes home. i may actually learn from that. but i can only promise to remember to go to the ladies loo before i attempt it. (oy - puppy has now moved on to the ball-in-the-plastic-ring toy, and is looking to me to make it go round & round so she can bark at it). playing with the dog is quick...she drags a toy out from her stash behind husband's Lazy Ass recliner, drops it on my feet, i throw it, she grabs it and puts it back in the stash. then a minute later - rinse & repeat. no fetching here. and eventually (in 3 tosses) she forgets to go get it, so i end up tossing squeeky mouse or lambikins, then going after it my own self and dropping it near her to try to incite play. she has been watching the Dog Whisperer backwards. i am trained. whenever i think about all that has happened in the past few weeks, i am overwhelmed. flat out. i still can't form the words. it's a deep, humbling Why Me Why Now feeling. in a good way. a very good way. to be called upon to stretch myself and grow and prioritize, and to be given the opportunity to use those skills. i am not forgotten. my prayers actually do get heard. hunh. i guess i feel a deepening of spirituality and confidence that i am not alone. i feel very comfortable in my skin. physically - i am happy with my outwards, and need to take care of my inwards...a dr's appt scheduled for monday to help with that. to keep my promise to myself (from last year) to take better care of my body. yes - another round of quitting smoking is on the close horizon. 3rd times the charm? 4th? whatever try this is, it has to be the one that works. just has to. i smoke a mortgage payment every month. 2 car payments. that is not acceptable. so send your good vibes my way. ok - off to shower...it's funny, i look at the clock and measure time in what i would be doing at this moment if i was at my Big Girl Job. leaving was less anxiety-ridden than i thought it would be, but i think that's because i'm so exhausted. there are women at that job i will miss fiercely, and am sad to not be able to see every day. yes, i will have more time now to get together after work, and i'm hoping they don't turn into those fade-away friendships where you realize that the only thing you had in common was the job. oh yeah - shower and begin.