so no one wants to read through a self-serving rant, right? i offer my apologies for yesterday's post. working alone in a room all day gives the mind time to wander to dusty corners if you let it - and no matter how good your psyche's super-suck vacuum is, there's always that one corner, eh? so it appears some spring cleaning is on tap, despite the 46-degree weather. old stuff getting a good shake out. what i really need is an old-fashioned Amish rug beating, i think. that one last fear to be addressed. not to say i will then be fearless...i've just made a commitment to recognizing and dealing with fear as it appears. except, apparently, this one. i can't name it - abandonment? unloveliness? ach, who cares what it is called. but the shape of it is this: if i don't call, you may not call me. or if i don't fill-in-the-blank then the effort may not be returned. not to say that my emails and calls aren't from a very good and authentic place. no no no. it's just that there are moments when i wonder if i stopped all communication outward, what would come in to me. i could say it comes from my dad being gone 4 days out of the week traveling. i could say it comes from an emotionally needy, yet emotionally absent (to us kids) mother. maybe. maybe not. the fact is that i'm waaay too old to stop in one spot, turn backwards, and start pointing fingers. because the longer you stand in that spot facing backwards, the longer you aren't moving forward. and my life is all about moving forward and drinking in the incredible scenery. so these few days have been about gentle and gracious growth. butterfly wings fluffing up the dust in that corner. and there are 2 specific people in my life (unnamed) who just bring out the lights and sirens when it comes to those issues, and the past 2 weeks i have been bombarded with their names and faces on every turn. and they are in no way connected to one another, or even live in the same state. rather than just chastise myself for thinking bad thoughts about two perfectly fabulous people, i started to dig inside a bit to see why the polar reaction. and i have no answer yet. i don't feel that i have to like everyone, and everyone has to like me. not at all. although i am a pretty cool person. it's just an uncomfortable, visceral reaction to them that gets my attention, and not in a way that makes me proud. so i will use the same quietude that gets the dust riled, to figure this out, heal my own heart from whatever may come up, and move it out of my life. dust bunnies be gone! on a happier note....Oh. My. God. I have fallen in love with Jeremy Randall's pottery. love love love. the pictures are wonderful, but to see it in person....mmmm mmmm mmmm. yes, i had to own a piece. and now i do. and he's making another piece for me. i know, i know blah blah blah no income yet blah blah. but this was the equivalent to groceries for me - a necessity. i would forever regret not being able to see and touch this every day. he has a method of embedding nails and tacks into the clay before it's fired, and the glaze - i've never seen glaze work like this...sort of a pastel powdery finish. the colors are all light and beautiful, but then there's the metal juxtaposing. and the whole thing makes me swoon. such beauty. lord have mercy. it was my plan to finally frame & hang all the incredible artwork i've collected, and been given, now that i have my studio to myself. but i'm seeing that i need a few more walls. i started hanging some of my own work throughout the house. seems strange that i never did before, right? but it was kind of a don't ask-don't tell feel to the whole I'm An Artist thing here. In the past few months, WHAM...a 180. Husband is proud of my work and actually talks about it to other people, and i don't feel like i have to pretend that it's my little hobby. we have finally begun our marriage as a team, as partners. after 10 years. i have given up trying to be a control freak, and he has given up pushing back every little point. and that opened our hearts to one another instantly . we still come from different starting points, but there is a respect for one another that is just so sweet. do i expect rumbles from time to time? i suppose there will be. and there is 1 topic in particular that brings out the stress, but i think we've both learned that we are a team, and i can give some and he can give some, and we'll win this potato sack race called Life. okay - back to pounding teeny tiny bitty eyelets into teeny tiny holes.