just breathe

this is sunset on my Lake...completely unretouched or photoshopped....just Nature showing off! you can't help but just stare and breathe deep of it's majesty. wednesday, mom & i are heading back there. she loved it! The calm of the water sounds is better medicine than i can almost bear. this week heralds a few landmarks: my brother has been invited. and it is also the last official vacation day i have for the year. so a decision must be made....to continue taking wednesdays off could put my job status in jeopardy. to stop taking mom-time would be so very wrong. not just the new-found friendmother i've come to know, but the feeling of "i can get through this" i now have at my job....i mean, every day is either a thursday or a friday when you have wednesday off, right? the time is too sacred to me to waste. and such a backward step it would be to give this time up. okay, i guess that's solved! my brother had hinted that he wanted to join us. since it was, technically mother/daughter time, i thought he should get his own day of the week with her. but i posed the thought to her, and she felt it would be okay this week. so wednesday, the 3 of us will head to the double-secret spot by the Lake. mom with her sporty new Croc shoes. the sheer vastness of the Lake brings intimacy. my wish is for a healing of hearts and an opening of communications - in that quiet, subtle way that is oh so very sweet and balming. a nice quiet restful time for souls and minds and thoughts. to lay it at the waters edge and let the waves pull it out and bury it for all time. mmmm. it feels like another tasty day. eat it up. L.

my Lake!

my wednesday date with mom was absolutely perfect! after 2 weeks of threatened rain, we decided to throw caution to the wind and go anyway. 8am, we drove to the double-secret-secluded spot and set up our chairs on the Lake's edge. just 1 small patch of sand to share. it was perfect. as the waves teased in to the shore, our chairs sunk lower and lower, but we didn't notice, or care. pantlegs rolled up, shoes and socks thrown behind us, gulls screeching above, we closed our eyes and just breathed the moment into our souls. i had bought a disposable camera weeks ago with the intention of capturing our wednesdays together, but have found that it would do them a disservice. how do you record such memories? how would it be possible to capture such spirit on mere film? to look back at the pictures would surely diminish the memories woven into our hearts with golden thread. it's been 50 years since the umbilical cord was cut, but the same tie remains - each giving and taking life from one another...understandings and shared stories strengthening and aligning...ah ha - that's where my gypsy spirit comes from...maybe some art from this one or sensitivity from that one or a quick temper with those who impede. but all that aside, to be able to freely love the one who gave me life is unexplainable gift. it's funny - no earth-shattering conversations take place...no confronting the past or judging the present. it's as if we were both finally ready to simply accept the other as they were...the parts we liked, the parts that annoyed us, the parts we wished would changed. all one. part of the same gift. we talk of nothing, or talk of family history - the way back history. not our history together, so much. that had periods of such pain and confusion and bad behavior. there was a choice: confront and have a tearful, emotional coming to terms, or simply silently forgive and move on - enjoy the time that's left. i chose to move on. to re-visit the past would serve no purpose now. 30 years too late for that. and really, who cares anymore? has nothing significant happened in either of lives since then? we talk of positive things and feelings about ourselves and our lives and goals and wishes and dreams. we talk of nothing. and everything. as the waves lap at our feet, calming, pulling at us to be more than we are...leave the sand on the beach, the crumbs to the gulls, adventure out of ourselves and be more. reach higher. expect more. give more. yes - take more. the sun rose high and strong above us, and we shook the sand from rolled pantlegs and rinsed between our toes. packing up was much slower than unpacking. we walked in silence, heavily laden with heart-shaped rocks and smooth stones from the shore. the drive home, too quick. more hugs at the driveway than i remember in the past 30 years. making up time. our silent promises to each other. gifts of cards hidden in purses to be found by the other later in the day. a plan to return next week. to let the waves cleanse our minds and souls and baptise us in the spirit of one another...mother and child...mother and daughter...a daughter's daughter grown with a daughter of her own - wishing she had had these times with her own mother. friends. at last, friends.

coming soon....

yep it's true...i'll be teaching a workshop in beautiful downtown Bridgeport! Altered Book Shrines. sept 15th from 11-2ish. i made 2 samples up - my usual down n dirty distressed looking book, and then tried really really hard to do a "nice" one with pinks and buttons and glittery foofy stuff. it came out .....okay. maybe a little better than okay, but it's hard for me to judge, being the junk-meister that i am. anyway, space is very limited, so if you have an interest, call the store ...Stampin N Scrappin Time. This should be a lot of fun! I tried to use my neighbors jigsaw to cut through a hard-cover book and about 200 pages of inside stuff, and BLAMMO! it caught fire. very cool indeed, but a little theatrical for an indoor class, so we'll stick to soft cover books. anyway, i am totally wiped out right now...am on antibiotics (which i hate taking) and the side effects from those are less than appetizing. i managed to get away with just 2 days at work this week! a very good week, if i must say. wednesday with mom was short & sweet...we had breakfast at a diner, then sat by the river watching geese (which demanded food, then bit us when we had none) and a heron, and some baby ducks...all going about their busy morning. so peaceful. it made me homesick for my Lake. it's funny, here we are - 2 grown women acting like birds that have been caged so long....the door is finally left open, and we don't know where to fly first, so we stand on the perch looking out. not leaving. but it's been good...we needed time to adjust to, and enjoy our new views of each other before adding the distraction of an adventure. the clouds have been threatening the past 2 wednesdays, so we stayed close to home. next wednesday - the Lake! no matter what. it was mom's choice. it's been time well spent after we part ways for the day, also. i've been purging through my studio like a woman on a mission...many bags of stuff went to the curb. it's kind of like an archaeology trip -sifting through years of papers and stickers and art supplies that have been on hand for 10 years or so....i look at some things and wonder who bought this? my style has changed so much. as have the materials i use. funny, how part of the day i purge the demons of the past with mom, and the rest of the day i've been purging my art stuff. traveling light? not really....because in each instance, something new replaces something tossed. all good in both cases. i'm afraid i won't have enough time to finish all the work i want to do. the ideas come rushing and demanding to be brought to life. i need more time. more space. in my life, i've been making room...clearing away the stuff that no longer has usefulness to me...out to the curb with decorative papers and glittery glues along with aught feelings and old resentments. in both sets of piles, i'm glad to give it a kick and a shove. room to breathe and grow and experience. new skin healing over old wounds. sort of a life-exfoliation, for the spa minded among us. diva dog is at camp Grandma's for the night. i'll miss her entirely. she's felt slighted the past few weeks as i've been so focused on clearing and creating. every so often i feel a paw tapping at my knee, and she looks at me with hope for a hug. so we snuggle for a few minutes - never enough for her, of course. our nighttime routine always includes a belly rub for her, in exchange for a thorough hand washing for me (doggie style of course). she has taught me such patience....she has so many issues and needs, coming from her rescued background. yet she's learned to trust me, and love me. she senses a person's inner intentions, i think. there are some people that she does not like. period. and fears, even though they've never done anything to warrant her fear. they just send out angry vibes to her. that has taught me a lot too. people sense the same things, just more muted. dogs don't have the distractions of life that we do. but right now, i'm distracted by the thought of my pillow. an early morning will call. sleep well, y'all. L

monday monday

so it's monday...but really thursday for me, since i have wednesday off. what a great thought! hubby is out of town, and all weekend i kept dreaming of having the house to myself. au contraire. stepson decided to stay with the visitation schedule (even tho the vist-ee was gone) and thinks he'll be staying here this week. hmm. puts me in an interesting position. tell him to go to his mom's, and look like The Evil One, or suck it up since he'll be gone most of the time (theoretically). something about a no-parents-home house and 18 year olds who just graduated...don't mix. we'll see. maybe i'll invite my mom over with her church ladies to hold a revival in the livingroom at high noon! sounding better. my neighbors just had a baby. actually, the wife did all the work, but the baby lives with them both. they also have a 2-year old that the entire neighborhood claims as their own...it takes a cul-de-sac to raise a child. the neighbors are tired and cranky with each other. the baby fusses. isn't it amazing how 1 life can effect everyone around it? hmm. i wonder what effect i've had, if any, on the places i've worked or the people i've met? there are people i've only met once, but have had such a profound effect on me, or made such a difference in my outlook, that i'd invite them to my surprise birthday party. (the event of my life). there is one girl that i met at an art event last year that just "took." no, no...she wasn't an emotional "taker".... something about her just clicked with my spirit. i consider her "friend" even tho i've never seen her since. it makes me careful to think about the effect i leave behind. my stepson's current favorite cliche is "i'm just leavin' my footprints...nothing else." (well, except dirty dishes in the sink and load upon load of laundry). don't we all "just leave our footprints" for others to follow or veer away from? think about a person you considered a role model. what was it about them that made you want to reach a little higher to be like them? what was it about them that made you want to be your best self? there are people i have met, and really tried to like. and just couldn't. i wish them no ill, but i just become a cranky crabby nasty person when i think of them. they are not terrible people...in fact a lot of people think they're wonderful. but something about them just rubs me the wrong way. it happens. so, do we go thru life trying to be all things to all people? no. that would be incredibly hard and fake...just be your best self...that's all we're charged with doing. that best self was put here for a reason. just like gears that fit together to make a machine run...this one fits with that one. if 1 gear gets a burr or a crack, suddenly it doesn't fit, and the machine doesn't run. so trying to be something you aren't "doesn't fit." i spent years thinking my art wasn't good enough because it wasn't like this one or that one. figured i'd never have talent. it was when i realized that i have my own art, my own voice, my own spirit to express...well, that's when the magic happened. do i copy other artists? never. but i do continue to grow and experiment with new techniques and materials. i may pick up a tip from someone else, but the result HAS to have my voice, or it just doesn't work. same with people. you learn from one or another, good or bad, but you incorporate that lesson into what is already perfect - yourself. i tried to explain to hubby that i was glad i didn't marry "a husband." a person trying to fulfill a role they thought they needed to be in. i'm not sure if he got it. in a family, there's always "the good kid" the "bad kid" the "artist" the "smart one" the ...whatever. athlete. shy one. you get the point. and once you're typecast, it's hard to break out of that role. it's funny when i see friends from years past...how they relate to me...how they seem uncomfortable when i react differently than they expect. my friend in new york is probably still amazed that i ever came to vist her when she lived in texas since i could barely make it across town without having a panic attack when she lived here. (follow all that?) i missed out on a lot then, but learned about boundaries too. physical and emotional. drink it all in, but only go back for seconds on the good stuff. you could say there is no "bad" since it only becomes a lesson. these past few months have been like a crash course in "me." i finally got to know myself, not the person i "should" be, and now have a chance to get to know those around me in a much deeper way. all those years as a reporter - asking probing questions to the unwilling - taught me how to listen. i just got tired of it and stopped. now i can listen with true intentions, and it's energizing. speaking of tired, diva dog is barking me to the bedroom. that dog knows how to tell time, and 9pm is her bedtime. that's when she gets on the bed and starts trying to lure me in with an exposed fuzzy belly. if that doesn't work, the barking begins. so off to comfort 4paws o' love. sorry to ramble and redirect so much tonight....just wanted to touch base with no particular place to go. sleep well.....L

BEHOLD

my favorite word for today...BEHOLD! makes you stop and look around, eh? not a word that fits easily into most conversations, but one of those cool words you roll around on your mental tongue like a root beer barrel. you can't just go around yelling "BEHOLD!" unless you work at the Renaissance Fair. i have been a word-o-phile since i can remember. when i was young - even before my brother came to torment my life - (kidding bro) - we didn't have 2 nickels to rub together to make a dime, so my mom and i would walk to the nearby library and get a stack of books. we'd sit outside in the summer, or in this floppy barcalounger with the stack beside us and she'd read read read. a high energy misbehaving child such as myself could be easily tamed with a few words..."one fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish." dr.suess has been elevated to sainthood by many a mother in the 50's and early 60's. horton hears a who....hop on pop....green eggs and ham....all good friends of mine thanks to those suessian summers. so i began reading early. and books became friends, and travel machines - taking me to places in my mind - alongside Nancy Drew (but not the real scary ones), albert einstein, mrs. who & mrs. which & mrs. where (wrinkle in time). words were, and are, so important and tasty...a new word could be savored and tried on for size. descriptive words like "popcorn" - now who doesn't hear it popping and smell the butter when you hear that word? later, in my teens, words could be used to show just how cool i was, or how angry - those 4-letters could really make a statement. it's funny how language changes...some words fall out of fashion, or become obsolete. new technology replaces old technology, so the words needed to convey ideas about the old are tossed along with them....when was the last time you "churned" butter? that word is still useful in other applications, but i bet the user has no clue about the butter thing. remember when we'd "dial up" a friend? dial phones....now try to describe THAT to a teenager. the first push button princess phones...i remember them well. it seems that "old fashioned" speech was much more formal...much more polite, for the most part. now, with words hitting you from every angle, words - and talk - is literally cheap. (my current cell bill aside). need to get ahold of someone? fax, phone, cell phone, text message, page, sky page, instant cell connection, IM, email...remember sitting down to write a letter? weighing your thoughts and words and practicing your handwriting? having to actually lick an envelope, buy a stamp, and get the letter to the mailman? in a few days, or a week, the letter would reach it's destination. what you wrote had better have staying power....so you were careful with your words. you may not get the opportunity to take them back for another few weeks. so BEHOLD! look around! what do you see?

follow your peas

okay...ahhhhhh. nice deep breath. whenever i hear the phrase "follow your peace," i think "peas" instead, for a funny visual of a girl walking behind a row of animated green peas. which brings me to my point....or at least headed in that general direction. have you ever misplaced something important? like car keys? or a shoe? you're frantically searching high and low, and inevitably SOMEone says "where did you last see it?" and you want to commit a high felony upon their selves. my friend had a grampa who was constantly misplacing his glasses. and they were always on his head, hooked behind his ears. she'd see him patting his pockets and looking around and she'd say, "grampa...head." and he'd reach for his forehead area and there they were. (her kids grew up calling him "Grampa Head" because they heard that phrase so often they thought it was his name. i had an uncle "sam the garbage," but that's another story). well, my friend Brenda has been the repository of many a frantic late night and early morning, and mid morning and afternoon call. usually they start out with "i don't know what to do....this is huge." after listening to me babble and freak for a while, she will inevitably come up with some incredibly wonderful, logical 1-liner that makes the whole situation shrink down to a manageable size. about 10 years ago, her advise on a particular topic was "follow your peace, Linny." so basically, this whole wednesday off/quit my job, art vs "real" job dilemma came back to following my peace. so...where was the last time i felt the peace? when i decided to take wednesdays off ...period. so that's my decision. till the middle of august anyway. then my vacation time runs out and hopefully by then i'll have a clearer idea of my path. with that relief in my heart and head, i can now enjoy my time. the 1st wednesday was wonderful. i had planned a picnic breakfast in my secret spot by my Lake. unfortunately, Mother Nature planned a major thunderstorm in that very same spot. we compromised and went to Denny's and then i showed mom my dream house (which is now for sale!). i gave her a notebook for her thoughts, and she gave me her heart...as we pulled into the driveway back home, she said she wanted to share her deepest darkest secret wish ...the thing she would do if she could do it all over again. scared that i might laugh or tell her all the reasons it would never have been possible or logical or valid, she rambled through a lengthy preface before getting to the heart of the matter. (sound familiar?). i was so shocked by her wish, that i couldn't think of a thing to say. i would have never guessed. ever ever. never. but it involved work in another country. so i promptly went to Barnes & Noble and bought her a laminated full-color map of the country. tied a bow around it and left it by diva dog's leash. when she saw it the next day, she was thrilled that she had been heard. i mean, who's to say? maybe she is/was needed in that country doing the work she dreamt of? there are plenty of people that "know" me that would be shocked that i worked in radio. or am an artist. or ever found anyone with the patience to be married to me for more than a minute. so far my mother has taught me: don't ever discount other people's dreams, and don't ever ever stop loving them. never. school's out. be blessed. L.

sideways and flyin'

sorry about the sideways pic in my last post...i was trying to hurry before the HUGE storm blew through, and selected the wrong picture. the right one is the same one, but you don't have to turn your computer on the side to see it correctly. so where were we? oh - flyin' ....through life that is. lately. as Paulo Coelho says in his book The Alchemist..."beginner's luck." it's when everything in the entire universe seems to line up perfectly and logically for you....the weeds and tall grasses part like the Red Sea, and your path is cleared.....then you hit the weeds again. not as high, though. but you have to stay very focused on the path to see where you need to be. a misstep could lead to another path, not necessarily ruin and desctruction, but a different path. after seeing the castle at the end of this path, i can tell you it's where i want to be. true to myself. my self. inner me. the heart, the soul, the spirit in me that makes me ...me. in church i was taught that the Holy Spirit lives in me. dwells in me. has taken up residence with no forwarding address or plans to move...in me. where have i been taking that spirit? what has it heard me say and feel? as much as it grieves a parent to see their child suffer needlessly, i believe my spirit has suffered. i have been given such wonderful gifts for use in my life. and i haven't respected them or used them. that is the shame here. have you ever given someone something for Christmas or a birthday that you spent days looking for? you were sure this was to be the gift of gifts....it would show the person how much you cared about them - that you bought them something they would put to good use, or get such joy from having. and they clearly didn't have the reaction you had hoped for. that's the same feelings i'm talking about here. my art...and not so much even the physical representation of the object i make, but the spirit that it touches as it's being made...that is the thing being squashed down here. i quandry back and forth within myself...feeling so strongly that i "gotta be me," then equally as unsure if i'm not just being selfish. people have to work in order to have houses and cars and things. but what if they could do with less? or what if they actually "succeeded" even more? what if the work they needed to do in order to be the person they were put here to be has nothing to do with timeclocks and cubicles and computers and such? what if their office were, instead, the world? the culmination of emotions and scents and tactile experiences from any given day rolled into a piece of artwork? would that be so bad? so selfish? so undeserving of a notion? do only the spouces of the wealthy get the luxury of being artists or actors or writers or fill-in-the-non traditional-blank. am i lazy? not a chance. but i do know that my spirit is energized to the point of mania when i am in the zone - making art. have you ever watched a guitar string after it's been plucked? the vibration is what makes the beautiful tone...theoretically. i say this with full knowledge that an 18-year old with a new guitar and Tom Petty on the brain can dissolve that metaphor in 2 notes. but let's see past that. so once again, i re-argue the same points with myself....that i AM an artist. that my art is worthy of being made. that i am worthy of making my life as an artist, and not a customer service rep for a very scary dental operation. so where's the problem? oh....same old fear. not of failure. fear of reaction and retribution. and roadblocks being thrown up. do i feel like i need permission? yes. why? training? hmmm...maybe worth a look. today - the 1st wednesday with mom - my mother told me her biggest dissapointment was that she never got a chance to realize her most secret deep down dream. it's her secret, so i can't tell you, but in order for her to attain that dream now would take some doing. i will never be the one to say "it's too late" but if you knew the secret, you'd almost think the same thing. sometimes it is too late for our dreams. i don't want that to happen to me. you can get to a point when your body says it's too much - it just is asking too much of flesh and bone. it made me sad, not just for her, but also for myself, that i almost let the same thing happen to me for the same reasons. a person who doesn't believe in you. an important person in your life - either emotionally or legally. or both, i guess. i am my mother's daughter in so many ways. but this is not a way i want to follow. compromise is an option, but on my terms. so many opportunities have crossed onto my path lately...in the past few weeks, actually. i have to stay focused on the path, and follow them. i mean, a castle at the end.....what's not to love about that? L.

so what have i been up to?

if you've followed this blog for any amount of time, you may have noticed my running obsession with Time. the idea of time....how i spend my time....wasting time....how time changes a person or thing, etc. well, sometimes, time runs short. that is the beating-around-the-bush message i've been getting from my mother, now that i've "taken time" to listen. who knows? is it just a hunch? a feeling? is it right or wrong? i hope wrong. but meanwhile, if that's the message she wants me to have, then that message needs to be respected. so i've taken steps to insure that "lost time" is made up for. beginning next week, i'll be taking wednesdays off work in order to have "mom time." the thought came to me quietly, yet insistantly, over the past week. actually, thursday morning i awoke with the thought that i don't have "enough time" to see & do all the things i wanted. so throughout the day, a running list of things i would like to "spend more time on" kept weaving through my day. one of those things was "spending time" with my new-found mom. how would we ever get to coordinate our schedules? i needed to have "more time" as it is with my art. the becky home ec-y stuff was in a sad state. the only thing on my list that was "stealing" most of my time like a robber was work. by thursday evening, it was clear that i needed to modify my schedule. there would have to be a shifting of how i "spend my time" from things that will be more permanent (a job - somewhere) to things that will not be. it was surprisingly easy to decide. it felt very very right, and in the flow of the Journey. before i could even start rolling the mental tape with worries about money, or husbandly recriminations, a large insistant thought dominated..."The money will come." and with that thought came such a peaceful reassurance. as i headed toward the doors at work on friday, i knew i had to let my boss know that morning. a nano-second of financial panic started, but "the money will come" shoved it aside. 2 steps later, the warm sun glinted off something on the pavement. a nickel. an omen. i approached the director and told her "i've been given a wonderful gift." she was excited for me and asked what. I said i had been given the gift of time. i told her my mother had been indicating to me that she felt her time is short, and she would like to spend more of it with me. what deeper love is there, then to share something so precious that's in such short supply? i explained that beginning next week, i would have to modify my work week to dis-include wednesdays. meanwhile, i was secretly amazed at my boldness to take this step. and the calm clarity of it all. it was absolutely logical and right, even though on the face of it (given my current situation) illogical and very wrong. and wonder of wonders, she understood immediately and completely. we talked of other options, such as working longer hours on the other 4 days, or a saturday, but none of that seemed right. it may make more sense sometime, but not now. i needed to be fresh and rested and centered for mom-time. who knows what the bigger bosses will think? but i am serving a Boss who's bigger yet, and i have confidence that this move will only bring prosperity in one way or the other. i worried how husband would react, and admit i haven't told him yet. my neighbor (also in a fast cab on her Journey) said she has a Feeling that he will be fine with it. it is. it just is. this is where i need to be right now. i hope he understands, but i can't change what i know to be right. to do so would be disrespectful to Time. mom & i are giddy with plans....i want to show her my Lake - from the secret spot - at sunrise. we plan daytrips to corning glass, and learning how to bake bread, and more knitting. maybe some days, just early breakfast and then part for the day to our own devices. but that day will be sacred to one another. such a gift i've been given. i am unable to express my gratitude in thoughts or words of this earth. grateful also for the circumstances that have put me in a mindset to see and hear the call of the sweet gentle voice telling me that although you can "spend" time, and "waste" time, and time can be "stolen" and "made".....you can never "save" time to "spend" at your convenience. there is no shelf life on time. it is, then it's gone. evry passing moment, is a moment that has passed. it won't return, and it cannot be saved for later use. so the Journey continues....i walk the path not knowing what is to come, but grateful for the guidance along the way, and from time to time, the sweet smell of the rightness of it all. L.

addictions & reflections

i am a person of addictions. good ones and bad ones. but there are just certain things i cannot live without. cigarettes, as you may have read earlier, unfortunately are one. but the good ones outweigh the bad-for-you ones. magazines. i must have hundreds piled around my house, despite semi-regular purgings. early early mornings, though not necessarily an addiction, are an essential part of my days off. 4am, 5am. when i'm the only person awake in the whole world. me and little diva dog, that is. and eventually birds and squirrels and chipmunks. the other is books. i have to have at least 2 good books at the ready. if i'm getting near the end of one, and don't have the next one picked out yet, it makes me uncomfortable. so it stands to reason, given the volume of volumes i read, i'll end up with a "sacred selection" of books that are like best friends. i'll never lend them (sorry), and keep them in a special place of honor next to my bed. today i went to Barnes & Noble and grabbed one with an interesting title. can i tell you....this is the Book of Books. the read of a lifetime. sacred of sacred books. you MUST go now and get it. The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. even the title fits with my current life...my favorite artist, Michael DeMeng, talks about being an alchemist in his new book. i came across a real find recently at a junk shop - an old alchemist cabinet. so the whole alchemy thing is voodoo-ing it's way thru my life. i'm only on page 29 and can tell this is a call-in-sick-to-work book. here's part of the prologue (you remember the story about Narcissus - the boy who knelt at the lake every day to gaze at his own beautiful reflection? one day he fell in and drowned and a flower grew in that very spot. here's where we join up...) When Narcissus died, the goddess of the forest appeared and found the lake, which had been fresh water, transformed into a lake of salty tears. 'why do you weep?' the goddess asked. 'I weep for Narcissus,' the lake replied. 'Ah, it is no surprise that you weep for him, for although we always pursued him in the forest, you alone could contemplate his beauty close at hand.' 'But...was Narcissus beautiful?' the lake asked. 'Who better than you to know that,' replied the goddess in wonder. ' after all, it was by your banks that he knelt each day to contemplate himself.' The lake was silent for some time. Finally it said : 'I weep for Narcissus, but i never noticed he was beautiful. I weep because, each time he knelt beside my banks, I could see, in the depth of his eyes, my own beauty reflected." to add my own comments now would be disruptive. go. read. L.

happy independance

life lately has been handing me lemonade...the sour part sqeezed out and sweetly chillin' in a glass with a little mint thingie floating on top. i feel freedom from the nasties that seemed to dog me and drag me to a standstill. a quiet confidence in myself, and in things to come. a great anticipation fills me, and i know that just around the bend there are some wonderful and amazing things about to happen. one of those things - i'm teaching a workshop! details to come, but i'm very excited about it. meanwhile, along with this bubbling anticipation has come a quiet center. this, my 50th year, seems to have taken the reflection and inner solitude, and formed it into the person i was meant to be. day by day i am coming to know (and like) the person i am becoming. maybe i always was. years of old paint and frills stripped away to the essential blank wall on which the original structure was built. in the past weeks as i came to know my mother, i learned more about myself...how and why i react the way i do in situations. fears i inherited and learned and have discarded. now free to feel and love, reject or discount things as i see them...not as i "should" or "shouldn't." as the eve of the 4th of July arrives, so too has my own independance. from the old. from opinions and obstacles. from fears and uncertainties. from myself as i was...toward the self that i was meant to be. tomorrow i'll head to my Lake to watch the waves break across the rocky shoreline...listen to gulls screech - maybe this is the year they'll trust the food in my hand...to thousands of ladybugs in need of rescue...and butterflies alight on the dunes. sunrise or sunset? yet to be determined. but guaranteed to fill my soul. L.

okay - now the details

sorry about the sideways pic.

first, let me say it was the most amazing weekend i've had in a while. and for small reasons. all bunched up small reasons that became a grand adventure. when the actuality of driving 6 hours in a car with my mother to go to an art weekend hit me, i was a little - no a lot - nervous about it. i mean, what was i thinking? wouldn't you want a like-minded artsy person with you to set the mood? someone who likes the same music? or has cooler music to listen to on the way? but that person is certainly not your mother. well, check again...it may be. so we drive and drive and drive. i have my typical 14 maps and sets of directions. i will be aware of every bump and landmark along the way - nothing to chance on this important weekend. got a fully loaded CD case. check. coffee. check. 19 packs of cigarettes. check. truck packed to overflowing with rusty metal, paints, glues, oh - and clothes? check. mom is looking forward to this trip as much as i am...she will have an entire day to herself with no obligations. so i resolve that NO MATTER WHAT, i will be calm and peaceful and go with the flow, if for no other reason than to give her that gift. we never get to the CDs. the conversation was incredible. i learned things about my mom, through her words, and our working together, that i never thought she knew, felt, or had even thought about before. she was- gasp- a real person! and a very cool one at that. she has done things and lived things that i wouldd never have imagined. she is a strong woman who has played the hand that has been dealt her throughout her life without complaint or blame. it's easy to point a finger or shake a fist at someone else when your life isn't becoming quite what you expected. i know that one by heart. it easy to play the victim and get into that "woe is me" pity party (party of one - your table is ready). you become the taker in life, rather than a contributer, and that cements your feet in that one point. mom just goes with the flow. she still has hopes and dreams. she still wrestles the dragon of self-discovery. she is in a marriage that is stifling her, but has chosen to stay, and i have chosen to respect that....it's HER decision, even though i (now) see what an incredible woman she is and would love to see her free. she directs her wants and desires to service for others. not subservient service. that would imply the death of her spirit. she is spiritual in a non-churchy way, which was the most incredible thing i discovered. day-by-day, she wraps the church around her like a protective cloak....anything not seemingly endorsed by the church is rejected out-of-hand. but on this trip, the cloak was not packed. we arrived in Danvers exhausted and starving, so we went to the nearest familiar place - Chili's restaurant. let me stop here to give you a quick lay-of-the-land. most of the state of Mass. is 1-way. and it's usually the "other" way. what i mean is, they have these multiple-lane roads with huge cement dividers and no U-turn areas. so if you get lost, or miss a turn, it may be quite a while before you can turn back. so we go to dinner, and there's a Big Lots store behind the restaurant. i still need a few supplies, so we check it out. after leaving the store, we head out onto the hiway from hell, and quickly realize we're going the wrong way. we think. maybe. who knows. up ahead, the road widens and there are a lot of signs...we are headed for a turnpike-ish -going-somewhere-ELSE kinda road. like another state somewhere else. so i pull off onto the last little side street at 55mph and stop. what do we do now? i turn my head to look out the window, and there is a cop in his cruiser (or "cruisah" if you're native). he gives me the most confusing set of directions that include lots of " then get on the turnabout" type things. i must have looked sufficiently confused, cause he gruffly said "follow me." we proceed - at high speed- to fly through small rundown neighborhoods that have been recently visited by the pothole fairies. about 5 mins later (15 at normal speed, i estimate) we end up pulling into the BIG LOTS PARKING LOT and go up a hidden little road that takes us right to our hotel. duh. who knew? we laughed so hard (after Peabody's finest cleared the scene). so it was 8:30pm and we were beyond tired. to bed. i was thinking about what a magical day it had been in so many unname-able ways. (sorry GP). i was up at 4:30am. we decided to try to find a breakfast place CLOSE BY and the plan was that i would then take map #2 and find the little town "just down the street" where my dream workshop with artist Michael DeMeng was being held. i am a huge fan of his work, as it touches the same chords in my soul as i try to create in my own work to send out to the world. after relating the story of our "police escort" to the night clerk, and was handed ANOTHER map, we headed off to a nice breakfast restaurant. i won't relay the conversations we had, because they are still too precious to me to share, but i will hold them to my heart forever. simple things, and complicated things all wrapped around a stack of pancakes and an order of eggs. i was beginning to see my mother as a person...as a woman who has lived in a determined and thoughtful way. who is different from me only in some of the choices she has made - but even then, not so different. maybe only in her reaction to them. she was becoming 3-dimensional. not just the person i call every morning to say hi. not the person i rush off a quick cellphone call as i head into work, or who will faithfully watch my dog when i need a break or go somewhere fun. she has always been there in all her depth, but i only saw what i saw. how un-artist-like of me. and such a shame to have missed out. thankfully, she never turned away. what i perceived as her being taken advantage of by almost everyone, i now realize is actually her gift....to be able to help someone up time after time after time when they trip over the same rock in the same road in the same spot. and let them learn on their own. no matter how long it takes. she shows love and patience to her husband, who personally, i would have pushed off a tall building years ago. she wants a little more quiet space in her life, but is able to see the goodness in everyone. that is a gift. especially if you met some of the people she deals with daily. anyway - the workshop was glorious. i arrived early (big surprise!) and as i approched the store, a woman in a purple shirt started waving at me furiously. i pointed at myself and she nodded. she was early too. her name is Rain. cool. i had been hoping for a workshop-buddy, and here she was. somehow we instantly began talking about how we are becoming our mothers. did you ever catch yourself saying something, or notice a movement of your hand or feel a facial expression that you knew unerringly came from your mother? that was our talk. i gave her a wooden cigar box and we are now bonded for life. she gave me much more. strange how she launched into that topic...i mean, we just met. why not talk about art, or the workshop? so that became the theme for my piece "becoming my mother." and it is wonderful in all it's rusted glory. now, if you've ever taken a workshop with me, you know i tend to be loud, clutzy, high-maintenance and never finish my project. despite the fact that there was all this creative high (and the glue helped a lot!) and also the fact that another of my favorite artists was there to help Michael, i was quiet, normal and productive. centered. thoughtful. and i shared my stuff. gasp! good girl. the thoughts and emotions of becoming my mom were overwhelming. i guess there just is no way to put this into words after all, but something shifted in me. the workshop ran long. i was beyond exhausted. dinner at a nice seafood restaurant. back to the hotel where mom was going to teach me to knit. good luck. we sat close on the couch and she tentatively put a hand on my shoulder as i twisted and tangled my way through some stitches. it felt good. it felt right. it felt like water on parched ground. and it made me sad at the same time that she felt she had to be so cautious about showing me affection, yet craving to touch and hold me so much that she would risk rejection or me pulling away. i leaned in and continued to try to knit. i was beginning to notice that she was not this nervous, insecure bag of quaking person. she was quiet and observant. unsure in some situations, like the rest of us, but certain of herself and what she felt. sensitive. i guess her sensitivity is what i mistook for insecurity. easily wounded, she proceeds on tentative steps. the past seemed stupid and juvenile...to carry that rotten tomato around hoping to one day make a salad. it was the present that became so urgent and important. time is short, as i have become aware these past few years. she craves the touch and understanding of her children and loved ones. she groans for a relationship with them - for them to see her as the wonderful,complex person she is, rather than an accumulation of so-called failings. or as a paper cutout of a person. or as a comparison of what she was 20 years ago, 30 years ago, 40 years ago. the scales, i realized are always balanced. it's just how you see things. stand in front and look at them head on and unflinching...dare to use inner eyes. my daily conversations were superficial compared to this. okay - now the transition. got up monday morning and was still undecided about whether to go to Salem to see the Cornell exhibit, or just head home. it would be a shame to be this close and not go, but since all the directions we got all weekend started with "it's just down the road" and usually ended with us lost somewhere, i didn't know if i had the energy to be lost again AND drive 6 hours home. as i went to settle the bill at the hotel office, i found a perfect, pristine little piece of a red ribbon. good sign. at the checkout, the woman was just starting her shift. cranky and hadn't had enough coffee. after 5 minutes of her frustration, she said the original check-in girl (from syracuse, by the way, with an artist mother!) had bollucked up the whole acct and SHE didn't have the time or energy to try to figure out what the friggin ding dong (quote) was going on and if she tried to, it would screw things up worse, so my bill was $9.87. total. period. that's it. no more. don't ask - just hand over a ten-spot-keep-the-change-so-long. yow! so i decided we'd go to Salem. home of the witch trials. with my born-again-and-again-and-again mother. home of satan. home of everything evil. unless you know the true story. she was unfazed by the whole "evil"thing. the Cornell exhibit brought tears to my eyes and i was again overwhelmed. even trying to faithfully record events here is so lame. the depth of emotions that weekend....the art....the friendships forged, both at the workshop, and with my mother, and with myself. she took few pictures, as did i. when i asked her why, she said "i have it all here in my heart. a picture would never be right." my thoughts. exactly. L.

on becoming my mother

this has been the most overwhelming 3 days in my life...i left sat early a.m. to head to Danvers, MA for a Michael DeMeng workshop...with my mom riding shotgun. these 2 incredible events had the potential to send me over the edge of reason - each in their own way. i had a talk with myself before i left and was determined to just let her be herself, and likewise, to just be me. tomorrow i will fill in the most incredible details of this gift of an adventure, but let me end this quick preview by saying 1) although i see myself slowly becoming my mom, it isn't such a bad thing now that i know her....and 2) you do not want to miss tomorrow's post. my apologies for this lame-o teaser, but i have been up since 4am, and drove from 7am-8pm....it's now 10:41, and i just cannot do this magical trip justice with the few remaining brain cells i have left.....so till tomorrow - put on a sweater...i'm cold. ;) L.

you asked for it....

okee dokee...i warn you - don't stare too long at the picture...you wanted to see my studio, so here's a small corner of my world....messy and i love it like that! also here's a wallhanging i made for my friend...it's dupioni silk on cotton duck...not real easy to see the tasty, but colorful anyway. it's all beaded up. L.

like a bee

life has certainly been busy busy busy the past few weeks....i've been trying to create some art for a dr's office (3 pieces) and for a friend (2 pieces) plus get ready for my dream trip to a workshop in MA in 2 weeks. whew. the inspiration seems to be flowing at the same time as the need for the art - for a change! at the same time, my dear friend Katie passed away. very strange "coincidence" surrounding that event...i got a call at work from a girl i'd worked with at 911. had only worked with her for 6 months (she was new, i was leaving) and never was real close to her. anyway, somehow, she recognized my voice when i answered the phone. how weird is that? we chatted for a minute or so and she was adamant that i give her my phone number. despite misgivings, i gave her my cell number, then had a co-worker answer her work-related questions - i didn't feel right digging around her medical file. 2 days later, i was out of sorts all day. didn't want to be at work, didn't want to be at home, didn't feel productive. just out of sorts. squirmy. so i stayed at work, despite an easy excuse of a dr appt at hand. when i left work, there was a message from this ex-co-worker telling me that kate had passed. now, i don't know of anyone else that would have made sure that i knew about kate except this girl. people get caught up in grief and turn to those closest to them, those they see everyday. but beth made sure i knew. coincidence? i went to kate's funeral today. it was the hardest thing i've done in recent memory. i was glad that she was out of suffering and pain - she did not deserve that. but as people began to file to the front and tell stories of what she meant to them and how she had changed them - just by being her - it began to dawn on me how each life creates a ripple. all the kids in the neighborhood flocked to her house for unconditional love - even if that meant a swat on the behind from time to time. at one point, this huge giant of a black man stood up at the microphone. his name was Handsome. he said "it took a tiny little white woman to teach me what it is to be a man." she was no stranger to trials in her life. but she handled them with a smile and a prayer and kept her head up and plowed through whatever came. never once heard her preach or even quote the bible - she just lived her life the way she knew she should. she meant so much to so many. and it created a ripple. this one was touched by her and passed it on to the next and the next and taught their kids like she'd taught them. a tiny little force of nature. never preached. never said a bad word about anyone. but was just a normal everyday woman. i will surely miss her...the thought of her being at the end of the phone. listening to grown men and women from the police depts weep as they recounted how much she meant to them - battle-hardened veterans of the war on the streets, humbled by the grace and love of this one person. it made me think - how will i effect the world? of late, i have been extremely needy in the emotional realm. battling depression. battling a sagging marriage. mourning my dear nikita still. not knowing which way to turn in my life, or whether to stay in place. this afternoon reminded me that i too will make a ripple....for good or for bad, for betterment of those i touch, or not. i am a different person because of kate. a better person. she saved me in ways i cannot express at a time when i needed it. i will try to be that person, that kate-ripple person. as we all stood in the vestibule after the service, waiting to go to the cemetary, the tears flowed harder as we realized that this was our final goodbye...that it was now up to us to take her love and pass it on. what a precious gift and what a difficult task. L

creation

the rust gods were with me today! an incredible score at the flea market....actually, a whole bunch o' goodies! i'm working on a piece now called "she had a lot to say" and feel like there may be a few more with the same name. ("son of..." "the 2nd" hmmm, need to think about that). it was nice to get out and take my time without feeling guilty about not being home doing chores. i got up around 5:30am and took diva dog for a walk (after a cup of coffee! amazing how many other people were out. i must have been sending out good vibes, because the vendors at the flea market were handing me stuff free. or maybe they couldn't believe anyone would want some of the stuff i picked out! greasy rusty spark plugs...an old faucet...etc. i tried to be friendly and chatty but not show too much interest in the pieces i wanted. my poker face hits the floor though when i see just the right piece of whatever. and this time i remembered to bring singles instead of whipping out a $20 bill. i was so incredibly exhilirated that i came home and made art! the idea that was twinkling around in my head, hiding when i peeked, has finally shown itself. i say "finally" as if it was an intolerable wait, when in fact in the past, i've waited months for that "ah ha" moment. and a few hours after that, i knew where it would have a home. you know how different people in your life inspire different things ? this one makes you feel good about yourself...that one is your "serious" friend with whom you discuss deep thoughts ...that one is a little dangerous in a giddy way...you know what i mean. well, i have a person in my life i think of as the "receptor." it seems lately that i'll have an idea - a big one- but probably wouldn't start the work because it would be a huge undertaking. with my flea-fart attention span, it would never get done! well, it seems like moments after the idea "gels," she'll call and i'll realize she's the one who this piece is meant to go to. strange. my pieces all seem to pick out their homes as i work on them. that's why it's hard for me to just create for the sake of creating sometimes. there has to be a destination in mind for it. i picture how the person will react and interact with the piece....where it may end up in their home. these pieces always end up being a conversation, or more of a thank you, actually, to that person. i'm so grateful and extremely blessed to have the friends i have. truly special friends who are supportive and encouraging and as happy for my successes and growth as i am. i only hope i give back something to them that enriches their lives. (i say "friends" but i include my brother) he is something special. although when we were growing up i didn't quite think so. but now, i feel closer to him that any other person. we're very much alike, yet very different. sylvia & trudi. oy. so anyway, doing an inventory of the day, my question to myself is: do i create art, or does the art create me? hmmm..............L

art and anguish

i almost hate it....when the bubblings of "something big" starts....artwise. i can feel the flutterings of it, the craving of it, but have no idea what is about to begin growing. i compare my art creating to birth...not to sound all high-falootin, but mothers out there will relate. when you first feel that "butterflies in the stomach" feeling of life. a boy? a girl? who knows? you begin to fantasize about the life growing in you - how the child will be when (s)he is 2 or 6 or 10 or 18. and this is just within the first trembling moments of knowing that something life-changing, life-giving, is about to happen. (now i don't presume to create art that is life-altering, but follow me here). this work of art...will it be fiber? wood? rusty metal? a sculpture? a shrine? large? small? a gift? for sale? all this after just moments of feeling like i MUST create something. my hands MUST begin to mold something. the anguish and anticipation. at this point, i have no ideas. not one. just a leaning in a certain direction. like a dowser with the perfect branch in hand. this way? no. that way...you're getting warmer. i feel a night of disturbed sleep coming on. usually at these times, i wake early (5am) and take the longest shower allowed by law. something about water brings things in focus. the shower is perfect for this. close to my studio, and it's the only place i can think undisturbed by 2-leggeds or 4-leggeds, or by a clutter of materials lost & found scattered throughout my studio, trying to distract me. my shower is my blank page. a little intimidating, that blank page, but the soothing feel of the water and sound of the shower is a wonderful meditation. i feel a strong pull toward the flea market tomorrow morning. this excites me because that usually means there is a special treasure waiting...a heads-up from the rust angels! i also need to be by the shore of my Lake. listening to the waves coming in. smelling the air. communing with the gulls and ladybugs. i had a dragonfly land on me today, checking me out for some time. a good sign for sure. do i believe in signs? yes and no. i think people can turn anything into the "sign" they were looking for. doesn't make it any less of a sign. and can certainly give you the courage to move in the direction your instinct tells you you should. but there is something special between me and dragonflies. i don't know what but it's there. so back to the birth. i have a 3/4-formulated idea rambling around in my head right now, but need a form to mold it around. (mold? mould? you get the idea). (a physical one...a shape to put something over to make another something). i had planned to work on that while i did a bit more thinking on my glass piece before i ruin another expensive and beautiful full sheet of the sparkly stuff. but now this. this gnashing of an urging of a pay-attention-here not-even-an-idea-yet. just a feeling. a feeling that a great work is to come soon. do i wait? do i continue onto other things while it works itself out? time, once again, is my enemy. to spend time meditating on this idea, is to take time away from creating other half-finished work. and art-time for me is limited these days. work steals the best morning hours. by evening when i get home, exhaustion takes the rest. somewhere in between, obligations and diva-dog love need another chunk. she's quickly slowing down, which reminds me more that time is so precious. it's almost a year since my best love in the world left me. i miss him in a constant and heart-rending way. today i got a dog license renewal form for him. how sad to check off a different box on that form. diva dog has begun sleeping on the little woobie that he used to sleep on. i hope that isn't a sign of another kind. i get angry and impatient that so much of my gift of time must be spent in ways that i don't choose. that lottery win can't come soon enough! to be able to travel and fill my inspirational carafe. then bring it home to work it out. it's almost physical pain. my mind wanders....sedona, mexico, alaska, to see quebec city again would just do it! people bring me back the absolute coolest stuff from their trips - sacred objects to inspire me....red rocks from sedona....huge shells from cape cod. i have hornets nests from who knows where. an excellent rusty spoon. am i easy to please or what? their travels inspire me, and make me determined to see for myself. having spent some time as an almost-agoraphobic, the thought of travel is the most decadent thought i have! well, almost. i am at a point in my art that i need more instruction...not how to draw or paint the proper way...but how to make armatures, and how to weld, and make boxes out of wood. these are small, simple things, but it's the whole teach-a-man-to-fish thing. my ideas are surpassing my abilities right now. not a bad thing, just frustrating. there are shapes and designs and textures that i can feel and sense, but can't be easily found in a bin somewhere. the thrill of the hunting-and-gathering is wonderful, but sometimes you need what you need and you need it NOW. so as i ramble on about mundane things, this creature of a creation continues to taunt and tease at the edge of consciousness...daring me to look it in the eye and claim it. i long for my own space to create at any/all hours....wet/dry/noisy/quiet/climate controlled and all mine! bushel barrels and shelves filled with rusted trinkets and silks alike. roving and paints and dyes and tools...lots of tools! especially old hand tools - the kind you have to crank or twist by hand. and hooks in the ceiling for hanging large pieces while i'm working on them. and a huge work table. huge. really really huge. so an unfinished project can sit and simmer at the crossroads while another starts up. i found what i think is the perfect place, but $2500/mo is too steep right now. i am in quite a happy predicament...i've outgrown my skills and my space. i must be making progress! i hope tomorrows foray into the flea market brings about the missing piece to jump start this inkling.....i have a good feeling about it. the dragonfly was a good sign. sleep well....and that sound you hear - that's my mental pacing......L.

birthday cake rodeo

now sit back with a cup of coffee or some cold beverage and be prepared to love your life sooo much better than my so-called life. expecting the usual philosophical meaderings? not a chance after the day i've had. i'll try to be faithful in the painful recounting. preface: yesterday was the Day From Hell with 2 people out sick....just me, another newer girl, and a "veteran" who was never trained at all. busiest call volume yet. so i was a puddle by noon. fast forward thru my trance-like remnants of a day/night. today was not so bad - everyone all present and accounted for at work. so it's my job to pick up The Birthday Cake for my co-worker, Amy (who got me this job). mixed feelings about her these days. so, being the over-kill type person that i am, i order a whole sheet cake - strawberry filled, the whole 9 lbs. it weighs more than a Volvo. almost splits in 2 before i get it safely in the house. i'll spare you the details of getting it from the bakery counter, over the sneeze guard , through the checkout and into the car, because in retrospect those hurdles are NOTHING compared to what is about to occur. well, i have a WHOLE sheet cake, but a QUARTER sheet cake fridge. starting to get a smile, aren't you. no amount of wishin and cramming are going to get that monster into my fridge. so i empty out a shelf in the freezer. nope. too big. the bakery has closed, so there's no bringing it back and picking it up tomorrow. i get the tape measure out of my tool box and measure the shelf in the fridge. 19". i measure 19" of cake, and do the unthinkable - i cut a 6" slice off the end. we'll have 2 cakes. actually a cake (happ birthd am) and a cake-lette (y ay y). together..."happy birthday amy." so NOW - how do i get the cake-lette onto another platter??? the spatula is, well, caking up with cake. and frosting. so i cut smaller and smaller pieces till i can splat them onto the turkey platter. good. not pretty, but at this point i could care. anyway, it's CAKE! i grab my box cutter and cut the heavy duty cardboard that the cake sits on. pull on it. frosting flies in my hair, coats my glasses and arms. and shirt. and dog. crud. okay...keep going. starving for dinner (7:45pm). now i have to reconfigure the damn box to fit the smaller cake. packing tape coated with frosting works somewhat. close enough. wrap wrap wrap. now to the fridge....cram cram...no fit. still 2" too big. Crappity crap crap. i hate amy. i hate her cake. i can't even eat cake for crying out loud...blood sugar issues. clear out a shelf in the freezer. it fits. ahhh. oops - still have a cake-lette on the platter. stick candles in the smaller smaller pieces to hold the tinfoil away from it (no saran) and cover. open fridge...wait - this is the turkey SERVING platter - so designated because IT DOESN'T FIT IN THE FRIDGE. damn! starving. shaky. dog wants chicken. i want chicken. groggy. oogie. tilt cram slam. it fits. eat chickenwith frosting. so. how was your day????

peanuts

remember Charlie Brown & Lucy? how every time she'd hold the football for him, she promised not to move it? and every time, just as he was about to kick it, she'd yank it away, and BAM! down he'd go on his back with a *sigh*. well, i think i have Charlie Brown syndrome. not a fear of failure, but as the wonderful thing gets closer, i wait for it to get yanked away. after a while, do you dare hope? or am i so programmed to expect disappointment, that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy? that i have become comfortable in disappointment...like, "whew! there it is finally - now i can relax...it's happened." am i stunting my own growth? or have paths become closed to me because there was another path to take? i can see a thread woven through my life ...how this wouldn't have happened if that hadn't come 1st. the heartbreaks, the disapointments, the wrong this or that, actually turned out to be the breeze that pushed me toward the point that i'm at now. and while not great externally, it ain't so bad internally. this point i'm at. i saw a sign in front of a church yesterday as i zipped past at too many miles per hour. "It's never too late to be who you were meant to be." Yow. good thing traffic was light! as i am discovering who i was meant to be, i've also become keenly aware of the "too late" portion....too old, too comfortable, too scared, too fill-in-the-blank with any/all excuses. which brings me back to charlie brown and the football. why do i continue to run towards that damn ball? yes, it's a great point for "if at first you don't succeed...." but there comes a point where you have to scratch your head and say, "maybe a different way." maybe that different way is to say "why not?? WHY wouldn't this work?" or hit the showers and join a new game. and stop blaming Lucy for the fact that you keep running for that same damn ball. in the past 2 years, i've had some amazing insight foisted upon me. it all started when my great-good-friend Georgia (yes, the famous poet is MY friend!) began demanding of me that i call myself an artist because i WAS one. it was ridiculously uncomfortable at first. i remember telling my creative writing teacher at OCC that i hoped to be a writer someday. he replied that i was one, then. you are what you feel you are, he said. at what point would it become "legitimate?" good point. so i guess the second time i was hit with the same undeniable logic, it was easier to swallow, right? nope. artists are different than me. they are cool. self-assured. they have their own art-language. they drink latte and hang out with other cool people - all wearing very slim black pants and berets. they talk about looking at "spaces" and interpretive this-n-that. they listened to more jazz than i could bear, even having dated 3 jazz musicians in my life. (2 more than was essentially necessary). i was none of these things. and still am not and never will be- i am a nervous wreck most times. a definate square peg. at times, needy to the point of egotistical. i do own black pants, however, not in a size considered "slim." and more inclined to listen to Stevie Nicks or Indigo Girls than Coltrane. so i spent last year feeling equal parts enlivened by my new persona, and feeling like a fraud. so i did what i usually do: retreated to the comfort of my fabric, fiber, wood and metal, beads and paints. and - you guessed it- made art. hmmmm, you may say - but didn't you just say...fraud. oh yes, my friend. at some point during some early morning junking at the flea market, it occured to me ....HEY! if i make art...i AM an artist! hunh. this may have been a much easier concept for most of you to grasp early on, had it been you instead of me, but again...the football - good things just don't happen. so while i was busy expecting the worst, some slow & subtle lessons were being learned - unbeknownst to me. a certain shifting, a slow dawning, a growth. i was becoming the person i was meant to be. i began to realize that it was possible to speak common-man english and still be an artist. i also realized that the art-speak was 1 of 2 things, depending on the speaking person and also the place spoken in. it was either an attempt at elitism. or an attempt to define the un-definable. (sorry GP). when someone asks what your art piece represents, it's kind of like "if i could speak it, i wouldn't have to create it." it isn't so much a representation of a concept....it's more like the representation of what that concept evokes in me. how does it make you feel when you look at it or touch it? then THAT'S what it represents. so in attempt to define what cannot be spoken, a whole vocabulary was invented. words and phrases like "textural representation" or what have you. yes, i agree...most of the time it's just being hoity-toidy. and i avoid that at all costs. who needs more of that? i also discovered that most of these cool people were not so self-assured....that many had the same issues i had - "am i good enough?" "oh God what if they find out I don't have a fine arts degree?" the important stuff. so anyway, as i ramble toward some point or another (because if you know me, you know i am unable to tell a short story), i realized that i was developing opinions...i wasn't just taking in the whole "art world" as it were (and the artists i knew) and saying, WOW - i must not be an artist because i don't paint. or my work is so much different, mine must be lesser. nope. i started realizing that my expressions of my muse was as legitimate as anyone else's. my technique or medium may be different, but that doesn't make it lesser, or less valid. so as i slowly came to this reckoning, i began to see that i didn't have to kick the football. and that not everyone who holds a brush, or welding torch is a better person than me. yes, there are things within my personality that i am not proud to feel or think. but, they have a place. but those things should not overshadow the sum of the whole. (yes, i'm still reading Einstein). i really feel like this year will bring a culmination of good and bad things from my life together to blossom into a new and wonderful thing. a big thing. i'm not sure what, but i have a tilt-a-whirl kind of buzzing excitement on the outskirts of my brain that hasn't made itself clear yet. my personal big bang theory. so until that time comes, i'll keep plugging away making art. real art. from the stirrings in my soul. i have to. because i'm an artist.

i wonder

i'm reading a really fat book called "Einstein," which is obviously about Albert Einstein...my all-time top-of-the-list most interesting person. i would've loved to have met him. anyway, it occured to me - does anyone "wonder" anymore? with cable, satellite dishes, 24-hour news, cell phones, blackberries, etc, we are so bombarded with information. does that make us feel full? does it seem as though there are no more "great thoughts" to think - unless they are commercially connected. not just that next great cell phone feature, or the newest 10-D graphics for Nintendo. but true discovery. have we discovered all that will ever be discovered? it seems science is working diligently on cures for the newest diseases - depending on funding of course. but what about the person who looks up at the sky, or down at the ground, and says "i wonder...." and that wonder, that one niggling question or theory, becomes their life's passion - even if there is no funding from Smith-Kline or Bristol Meyers or the government or fill-in-the-blank. wonder for the sake of wonder. and absolutely needing to answer the questions. watching a small child discovering the world around them is a lot like that. not that i have a huge fondness for kids for extended amounts of time, but seeing life through their eyes is amazing. a blade of grass...a bird...pots & pans...name it! they are awestruck! and it isn't just the educated or important - it's often the person with a little imagination and a lot of time that come up with the Big Thoughts, but no resources or tools to check the theory. Einstein was a locksmith, then a patent clerk. He, at one point, married his 1st cousin. now imagine that scenario today. yeah, okay, quantum what?? your break time's over. here's my theory - the Big Thinkers have a symbiotic & special relationship between the left & right brain. they can "see" the theory they're trying to prove. they also are so consumed by the passion of their idea, that they don't care (or notice) the reaction of the people who don't believe. or can't see with their eyes. not that i mean to proclaim myself anywhere in the genius league, but when i get an idea for a piece, it starts like a few bees buzzing around something sweet. as the idea begins to gel, it becomes more insistant - demanding more focus, more refining, till i can see what i want to do. it's not really a mental picture, and i could never sketch it out. it's more of a feeling or experience i want to create. sometimes in fiber, sometimes in rusty metal and wood. but as i move from shelf to shelf, drawer to drawer in my workspace, the pieces for that project sing. they feel right. i often end up with my worktable littered with odd and ends that didn't work well with the piece no matter how much i wanted to use them. it's done when it tells me it's done. when trying to fit one more object in feels forced or too much. being in that zone is exhilirating and exhausting. i have to remind myself to eat and sleep. left to my own devices (and a lottery win) the first thing to end up at my curb would be my clocks. (unless i took them apart to use in a project!) my days and my nights are often opposite of "regular" days and nights. short naps can carry me over through long work sessions. funny though how i get exhausted by noon at my "real" job. the art - it's life itself to me. so i guess i got off on this tangent while i was trying to imagine what it must feel like to "discover" something that has never been discovered before. not just finding an arrowhead on a 6th grade archaeology dig...but a whole new explanation for the world around us. i mean, what made some guy wake up one day and wonder, " hunh - i wonder why we aren't flung off the planet into space?" and then follow up with experiments with apples and figs, i think. why is it that wonder and art and beautiful poetry are thought of as "free time" luxuries, and not valued as par with the guy who thinks up the new color for the Razr phone? an "alternate" lifestyle. what the heck is it an alternative from? and why is it considered alternate? why isn't it just "another?" why do writers and thinkers have to go on Oprah to be able to get credibility? (so to speak). so anyway, these are the things i wonder about today. A list of people I'd like to meet - not necessarily in order: 1) Albert Einstein 2) Joseph Cornell 3) the Dalai Lama 4) Ty Pennington (sorry, call me shallow) 5) Galileo 6) the scientists mapping the human gene structure 7) Steven Tyler (see note on #4) 8) Fred Hillegas ( who inspired me to become a journalist when I was 9 or 10) 9) Walt Disney 10) Ellen DeGeneres (for being brave and funny and just not giving a shit) i'm sure the list will continue, and i'm sure i missed a whole bunch, but i'm hungry so that's all for now.

the "s" word

hard to believe....just when nature was rubbing her eyes and waking up from a looong sleep...bam! more snow! how much more remains to be seen, but if the weather reports are to be believed, then it'll be piled high. oh well...perfec time to get some reading done i suppose. it's almost 1pm and i'm still in my jammies....diva dog got her shot yesterday and was up every 2 hours running for the door to go out. poor baby. thankfully i have today to nap. i've been working on a few crafty type projects while a large mixed media piece rambles and pings off my brain cells. till it settles in long enough to get a glimpse, there's nothing to do but wait. i figured if i kept my hands busy with some form of art, then it would help. nothing like the smell of Golden gel medium in the morning! i'm reading the most hilarious book "Hypocrite in a White Poufy Dress." it's a memoir of sorts. not mine, but someone's. the author tells about being a kid who wants to be Miss America, a ballerina, Batgirl, and to win the Nobel Prize in coloring. her parents are hippies and are okay with all this. very funny. not the usual "man did me wrong" memoir. which got me thinking (in between the pinging and rambling of the art piece - very noisy). why is it that women's time seems to be marked by the man they were with, or what stage of getting over a man they are, or how to live without a man, or whatever man-ness is the flavor of the moment? why can't more women write a memoir telling about their accomplishments and maybe some struggles, but without the man-bashing, man-dependancy, man-whatever whatever whatever....? i guess for the same reason i whine about my husband in this very blog from time to time. are we as women hardwired to be the helpers and keepers? or is it a learned thing? i would think that any girlchild born after the late 70's would have thrown off all the "learned" behaviors, but still it seems like when push-comes-to-shove, it's still women who are cleaning the carpet and doing the laundry. now this is most definately NOT a rant about feminism or women's rights....more of an observation on the people i know, and the things i've noticed in life. maybe i'm right....maybe i should get out more...who knows? but it does seem to me that there is an unequal number of books by women that hinge on their relationship - good or bad - with a man. again...just an observation, not a political statement. so back to my original weather stuff....enjoy the ladybugs here....i miss them! every year they swarm my Lake and i spend hours walking the shore "saving" the little ones that got too close to the waterline. i usually end up with little orange and red speckles crawling all over me! sort of like chicken pox meets St. Vitus dance? L.

anniversaries and calendars

so here it is....next week will be the 1 year anniversary of losing Bear, with the same time marked for Kita coming up close behind. it got me thinking about the past year....time has seemed to move so fast, yet when measured day-by-day has moved ever so slowly. what have i done of significance in the past year? have i become a better person? a different person? have i stretched my boundaries any? which ones? how am i different? these questions roll around and crash against my thoughts like a penny in a tin can. i feel like i've stagnated, yet when i look at the art i've created, i realize that i have grown in that regard. i am more comfortable in what comes from my hands, yet i strive for more. good thing. have i become a better person? no, i don't think so. i find myself becoming more impatient with the day-to-day that i live in. eager to get out on my own, yet afraid of all that entails. the searching, packing, moving, uncertainty. i've done it before and had good results and bad results. being wiser and more self-assured now, i think the odds are tipped more in my favor, but will reality crash into desire and want and dream? will that make things better or more stressful? "better the devil you know than the devil you don't?" as my desire to spread my wings intensifies, my spirit is tired and bruised. i know i must be ready in all regards in order to make things work. but will preparing for the next step further crush me? or, having made the decision, will it strengthen my determination and make me strong enough? i have always been a strong person in some ways - suck it up and do what needs to be done. going in to work today was an example - after being verbally annihilated on the phone just moments after parking my car, my strong desire was to turn the key, head home and crawl under the protection of my sheets. instead, i went in to work - a smile pasted on my face. i wonder if that's strength of character, or weakness? i crave a magic wand. diva dog has been at camp grandma's for the week. i've gotten nothing done that should have been done without 4-paws crashing around. she comes home tomorrow night and i miss her so much. this time away is usually very relaxing and productive for me. but with the house still in an uproar, nothing has come of the time except missing the only heartbeat that kisses and loves no matter what. as i approach 50 this year, i think about what i still need to do - the feeling that life is more than half over ticks away in me constantly. had i planned properly, i'd be retiring in 5 years. 5 years! but i am coming into my own now - as a woman, as a warm loving spirit, as an artist. and i will not let time steal that. and i won't let other people's schedules and agendas steal that. and i won't let myself steal from myself what i was put here to do....make art, love purely and beautifully, appreciate all things good & bad & sweet & wonderful & sad & unjust. for in one, you see the other. sunny skies are only defined by their counterpart the clouds. i have seen both in my 49 1/2 years....i prefer one over the other, that's for sure, but i've also learned that neither will kill me. neither has the power to change me - only affect what i let it affect. My Lake brings tears to my eyes with it's majesty, but it can only change what i allow it to - to soften and soothe the bruises, or tickle a little fear with it's power. so the coming weeks and months and day-to-days will play out the results of the slow, meticulous change of seasons in my soul. scary and exciting. tiring and energizing. sad and exhuberant. counterparts dancing in my lifeplan........L.

update

MARCH 24th?! was that really the last time i posted??? yikes (again)! i guess not much has happened/changed...i'm still in the training phase of my new job, so what's not to love about that? my health has returned. alas - so has the snow! my art is going well, both in the studio, and sales-wise. so it's all very busy and good. please keep checking back...i promise as the breeze beigins to blow warmer, the posts will become more interesting! nothing like a great day on my Lake to stimulate the thoughts! did you check out page 9 of Cloth, Paper, Scissors yet??? come on! L.

catch up

feeling much better, but surprisingly fatigued. i am just about able to make it through the day, and go up to bed around 8...unless Idol is on! then i nap for an hour just to stay awake! worrisome. but anyway, even as i am sleep-walking, the earth is waking up and so are my creative muses. i am trying not to overload myself with "started" projects that may/may not ever get finished. today, i met the most incredible woman. she is well past 50, with beautiful steel grey hair, dancing eyes and a vibrant spirit. my friend & i are both careening toward 50 and having a difficult time of it. 50. more than half your life gone. i worry - have i done enough? what haven't i done that i absolutely need to do/see/taste/feel? am i living the way i thought i'd be at this age? what can i change? so many questions. i thought by now i'd have all the answers! but this woman said after 50 is the best time of your life....you can speak your mind and people listen. you KNOW your mind by now. (i'm LOSING mine,so i'd better not speak too much!). i guess i always pictured myself being this earthmother-y type wearing lots of Bluefish clothes and sandals...sort of a grown up hippie chick. instead, i see my mother in the mirror more and more. those lines around my lips (WHAT upper lip?!?) and the corners of my mouth downturned. hard living, in the emotional sense, has brought those attributes to me. that makes me wonder if my mother has the same regrets and feelings of not-enough-time. what would she have wished for in her life? what are her greatest acheivements and disappointments? what would she change now? they say it ain't over till it's over, but i have a feeling there's a point where you might say "it's too late to swim against the tide." i feel "me" trying to break out of this life-skin i'm in. the struggle is epic at times. to break free means great loss, on one hand, but may bring fulfilling gain. is the result worth the struggle? since the result is unknown, is the risk worth the reward? i think yes, but wonder if i still have the strength and resolve to see it through. a life half-lived is worse than a life lived to others' designs. i think it's better to be blind to your "self," than to know your self, but be untrue to it. and i know my self. so i guess this rambling has produced the answer. time for a good CD with my sewing machine humming along to the the melody and diva dog hiding under my desk. it's funny - Kita preferred classical music. Diva dog likes rock and folk. anything else is just thunder to her ears. speaking of which, there's the first thunder of the year outside! come on Spring! L.

creaky

so this is my gram...i thought of this picture, 'cause i know this is my destiny - to become her. *sigh* Hey! want to feel old, useless, tired, obsolete, dumber than a box of rocks? get a new job! especially one where everyone is 25 and under, with little boy-bodies! who talk about going out partying on a monday, for God's sake, and come in tuesday looking all refreshed after 3 hours sleep. i REMEMBER those days, even if i could never LIVE them now. and how about when your trainer tells you that you remind her of her MOTHER'S best friend? not her sister's. mother's. oy vey. now, i'm not a stupid person, but i have felt very old and certainly brain-decrepid in the past few days. new tricks/old dog. add to this humbling experience: oh yes....PMS for the 2nd time in 2 weeks! whoo hoo! which normally makes me a dimwit anyway. so it's no wonder my trainer is like, totally fried trying to teach me this stuff. and, hello, am i the only one there who hasn't had at least 2 children with my boyfriend? and STILL have a waistline?? so the job has been a much humbling experience this week...and it's only Monday! tues & wed are already showing promise in the unpromising direction. they are looking to hire someone additional, and i can only hope she is very very stupid, so i don't look worse! if i could only stay awake when these little girls are chattering on like squirrels. they talk too fast! :) so it goes slow but sure. i guess part of the reason i feel frustrated today is that i expect waaay too much from myself - as usual. i set the bar high and get upset when i make it as far as can be expected, and no further. of course, having a stressed out trainer is not helping. so i come home, eat dinner, and pass out on the couch - like an old lady! i told my trainer embryo today that the strangest thing about getting old(er) is that you don't THINK of yourself as "old." i'm a misfit! well, that's nothing new....it's just that i'm used to hangin' with folks whose worldview expands past NOVA 105.1 and Armory Square drink specials. people who can remember what they did over the weekend....and with whom. or if not, they are certain that alcohol was not the impairing factor. well, off to toss the big brown bear to diva dog.....could life get better? so to those who can relate, i raise my glass of Ensure.......L.

WOW!

has it been this long since i posted?! yikes! well a lot has happened...and nothing much. all at the same time. go figure! i was supposed to get a week off after giving my notice at my last job, then start my new new job 3/5. i had a week of fantastic artistic endeavors planned for the week and was salivating in anticipation. not so fast....woke up the 1st day of "vacation" feeling like someone was smashing my hands, feet and hips with a hammer. hard. chills, fever, body cramping from the chills, pain....you get the point. ah yes. the flu. like i've never had it before. a nasty nasty bug. by the end of the week - still sick, and of course, add PMS to the mix. and a gross cough. yuk. i called my yet-to-be-started new job and begged for a few more days. they were fine with it. wednesday would be day 1. by tuesday night - no better, so i called and again begged. they were still cool with it, and said i couldn't start till i had an official note from the doc saying i was cleared for takeoff....they were afraid i'd push myself and come in before i should! Now what kind of humanity is THAT? so i started today. i really like it. yes, i know, i always say that the first day! but there is an attitude there of kindness - something sorely lacking in the corporate world today. with so many unemployed, the conventional wisdom says to work 'em to death then kick 'em to the curb. but this is a truly caring operation. a friend of mine has worked there for a while now, and she told me about the opening. good pay. good benefits. no bullshit. what more can you ask for? AND - i have my very own cubicle! i giggled when i saw that. right by the windows, too. by 5pm i was teary-eyed with exhaustion, though - only 4 hours sleep. between the time change, and my husband deciding that late night TV with loud, crunchy snacks was the thing to do, i barely dozed off before my alarm screamed at me to get up. early to bed tonight....and i'm locking the bedroom door! diva dog is having a confusing day - mom was up early and then gone FOREVER. she actually got so worried, she threw up. since the weather was giving us a break, we went to the park when i got home. so, i guess it's a pretty mundane life in those respects, but a little normalcy in the schedule isn't necessarily a bad way to go from time to time. in order to "lure" me there, the company threw in an extra week vacation! so this summer i get 1 week, then after next January, i get 2 weeks! whoo hoo! i can use some of those days to beat back the winter blahs one day at a time, and still have a week in the summer or fall to go somewhere. my wanderlust is still full force. i feel a need to travel somewhere that will take my breath away. somewhere to hold in my heart and mind and soul. a fellow salesrep friend of my husband's just got laid off (too old and made too much money) and decided that enough was enough. he's going to raise koi. that's it. just koi. how great is that?? i miss the fall, and the long walks with diva dog. we logged some good miles last year! mostly walking off the hurt and sadness, but bonding, and re-inventing ourselves....her as the only dog, and me as ....well, who knows. i think once i establish a routine here, and get some non-dependant cash flow going, then i'll figure out the who/where/what/why of myself. the distractions of trying to tread wet cement will be gone. it's been so much harder trying not to get hurt lately. there is a definate, subtle shift in the relationship. before, at least we tried. now, i don't feel that coming my way - just anger and intentional hurtings. it's lonely and hard, but strangely a relief almost. the battle to keep up a good front was tiring. now, we're like 2 drops of oil in a glass of water - each self-contained, occaisionally bumping into each other, then moving away....never merging, never becoming one. still in the same glass of water, though. so i concentrate on the new job, and becoming employee-of-the-month so i can rise through the ranks and make the big money. can you imagine? so the thaw that has melted the ice on my roof and sidewalk has also come to my heart and mind....i am seeing possibilities like the snowdrops near my Japanese Maple. peeking out. taking a chance. still unsure if tomorrow will bring a winter storm, or a few hours warming in the sunshine. but they still peek out. L.

long time!

sorry it's been sooo long since my last post - i have been flat out on my back with that nasty nasty flu for over a week. am still not 100% but definately much better than a week ago when i was sure i was going to die. and would've welcomed it! i was to start my new job today, but they have been absolutely wonderful in letting me delay my start date till i'm better. after listening to me cough on the phone, i'm sure they wanted me as far away from them as possible! so i've caught up on my reading, anyway! i am enjoying a book right now called "Living Artfully." it's a recipe for having an artful life - even if you aren't an artist. very enlightening. it's about doing special things, or ordinary things in a special way, to bring joy to those around you - and yourself! as i scrolled back through my posts, i realized how bitter and depressing they've started to sound. yes, my circumstance has been a stew pot for all that, but when i think back through the mileposts in my life, i realized that i've always looked on the lighter side of things and not allowed my surroundings to dictate my moods. so i've had to do some thinking about what's different now - why am i being the ripple the stone makes when it splashes into the water, instead of the stone? why am i letting outside surroundings and attitudes affect my inner self, instead of being the one who affects the surroundings? we all know people that make us feel wonderful - just by being with them. you can't help but laugh or smile just by their playfulness, or way of looking at a situation....or just their joy and wonder at life. i worked with a girl like that recently. you ask her how she was, and her answer 100% of the time was, "I'm PERFECT!" now, you'd find out later that her husband had accidentally run over her dog (true story), and wonder how in the world she could be perfect after that. but she is eternal sunshine. the mistakes she made on the job made for a difficult go for the rest of us, but there's no one i'd rather work with! her attitude was infectious. just try to be gloom-and-doom around THAT! i remember being that way, and want it back. not faking it ....i want the real deal. i think i've gotten so caught up in taking myself sooo very seriously as an artist, that the fun and joy of experimenting and creating has gotten sucked out of the process. add swinging hormones and marital issues, and i guess i can see where it was easier to see the weeds instead of the flowers. while i was writing this, my neighbor called and told me about a DVD she just watched called The Secret. it was on Oprah. she used words like "life-changing" and "unbelievable." she's been in a slump also, and said this DVD changed her outlook in 1 night. that's asking an awful lot! i believe i'll check this one out....not one for self-help books, etc, this sounds different. **** i just paused for a while to get my sorry butt up & showered and dressed. my little diva dog has been sitting by my side for a full week, and has cabin fever. we went out back to romp a little before the cold & blowy stuff hits. she was ecstatic! how she can find a stick buried under all that snow is beyond me! it feels good to get up and out a bit. after a week of bedrest, how much more boring can it get?? i used to wish for a few days of complete relaxation & time alone....it will be a while before i utter those wishes again! i want to keep busy so i don't dwell on feeling sick, but don't want to overdo it either. maybe a quick trip to the bookstore. or at least scrape off my car. i put new birdseed out in the feeders, and the jays are going nuts! they are so huge, but so cautious - if they look in the window and see us, they fly away immediately! the little birds tend to be more curious and sit there staring back, cocking their heads to get a better look. well, 1st things 1st - lunch. L.