anniversaries and calendars

so here it is....next week will be the 1 year anniversary of losing Bear, with the same time marked for Kita coming up close behind. it got me thinking about the past year....time has seemed to move so fast, yet when measured day-by-day has moved ever so slowly. what have i done of significance in the past year? have i become a better person? a different person? have i stretched my boundaries any? which ones? how am i different? these questions roll around and crash against my thoughts like a penny in a tin can. i feel like i've stagnated, yet when i look at the art i've created, i realize that i have grown in that regard. i am more comfortable in what comes from my hands, yet i strive for more. good thing. have i become a better person? no, i don't think so. i find myself becoming more impatient with the day-to-day that i live in. eager to get out on my own, yet afraid of all that entails. the searching, packing, moving, uncertainty. i've done it before and had good results and bad results. being wiser and more self-assured now, i think the odds are tipped more in my favor, but will reality crash into desire and want and dream? will that make things better or more stressful? "better the devil you know than the devil you don't?" as my desire to spread my wings intensifies, my spirit is tired and bruised. i know i must be ready in all regards in order to make things work. but will preparing for the next step further crush me? or, having made the decision, will it strengthen my determination and make me strong enough? i have always been a strong person in some ways - suck it up and do what needs to be done. going in to work today was an example - after being verbally annihilated on the phone just moments after parking my car, my strong desire was to turn the key, head home and crawl under the protection of my sheets. instead, i went in to work - a smile pasted on my face. i wonder if that's strength of character, or weakness? i crave a magic wand. diva dog has been at camp grandma's for the week. i've gotten nothing done that should have been done without 4-paws crashing around. she comes home tomorrow night and i miss her so much. this time away is usually very relaxing and productive for me. but with the house still in an uproar, nothing has come of the time except missing the only heartbeat that kisses and loves no matter what. as i approach 50 this year, i think about what i still need to do - the feeling that life is more than half over ticks away in me constantly. had i planned properly, i'd be retiring in 5 years. 5 years! but i am coming into my own now - as a woman, as a warm loving spirit, as an artist. and i will not let time steal that. and i won't let other people's schedules and agendas steal that. and i won't let myself steal from myself what i was put here to do....make art, love purely and beautifully, appreciate all things good & bad & sweet & wonderful & sad & unjust. for in one, you see the other. sunny skies are only defined by their counterpart the clouds. i have seen both in my 49 1/2 years....i prefer one over the other, that's for sure, but i've also learned that neither will kill me. neither has the power to change me - only affect what i let it affect. My Lake brings tears to my eyes with it's majesty, but it can only change what i allow it to - to soften and soothe the bruises, or tickle a little fear with it's power. so the coming weeks and months and day-to-days will play out the results of the slow, meticulous change of seasons in my soul. scary and exciting. tiring and energizing. sad and exhuberant. counterparts dancing in my lifeplan........L.