sideways and flyin'

sorry about the sideways pic in my last post...i was trying to hurry before the HUGE storm blew through, and selected the wrong picture. the right one is the same one, but you don't have to turn your computer on the side to see it correctly. so where were we? oh - flyin' ....through life that is. lately. as Paulo Coelho says in his book The Alchemist..."beginner's luck." it's when everything in the entire universe seems to line up perfectly and logically for you....the weeds and tall grasses part like the Red Sea, and your path is cleared.....then you hit the weeds again. not as high, though. but you have to stay very focused on the path to see where you need to be. a misstep could lead to another path, not necessarily ruin and desctruction, but a different path. after seeing the castle at the end of this path, i can tell you it's where i want to be. true to myself. my self. inner me. the heart, the soul, the spirit in me that makes me ...me. in church i was taught that the Holy Spirit lives in me. dwells in me. has taken up residence with no forwarding address or plans to move...in me. where have i been taking that spirit? what has it heard me say and feel? as much as it grieves a parent to see their child suffer needlessly, i believe my spirit has suffered. i have been given such wonderful gifts for use in my life. and i haven't respected them or used them. that is the shame here. have you ever given someone something for Christmas or a birthday that you spent days looking for? you were sure this was to be the gift of gifts....it would show the person how much you cared about them - that you bought them something they would put to good use, or get such joy from having. and they clearly didn't have the reaction you had hoped for. that's the same feelings i'm talking about here. my art...and not so much even the physical representation of the object i make, but the spirit that it touches as it's being made...that is the thing being squashed down here. i quandry back and forth within myself...feeling so strongly that i "gotta be me," then equally as unsure if i'm not just being selfish. people have to work in order to have houses and cars and things. but what if they could do with less? or what if they actually "succeeded" even more? what if the work they needed to do in order to be the person they were put here to be has nothing to do with timeclocks and cubicles and computers and such? what if their office were, instead, the world? the culmination of emotions and scents and tactile experiences from any given day rolled into a piece of artwork? would that be so bad? so selfish? so undeserving of a notion? do only the spouces of the wealthy get the luxury of being artists or actors or writers or fill-in-the-non traditional-blank. am i lazy? not a chance. but i do know that my spirit is energized to the point of mania when i am in the zone - making art. have you ever watched a guitar string after it's been plucked? the vibration is what makes the beautiful tone...theoretically. i say this with full knowledge that an 18-year old with a new guitar and Tom Petty on the brain can dissolve that metaphor in 2 notes. but let's see past that. so once again, i re-argue the same points with myself....that i AM an artist. that my art is worthy of being made. that i am worthy of making my life as an artist, and not a customer service rep for a very scary dental operation. so where's the problem? oh....same old fear. not of failure. fear of reaction and retribution. and roadblocks being thrown up. do i feel like i need permission? yes. why? training? hmmm...maybe worth a look. today - the 1st wednesday with mom - my mother told me her biggest dissapointment was that she never got a chance to realize her most secret deep down dream. it's her secret, so i can't tell you, but in order for her to attain that dream now would take some doing. i will never be the one to say "it's too late" but if you knew the secret, you'd almost think the same thing. sometimes it is too late for our dreams. i don't want that to happen to me. you can get to a point when your body says it's too much - it just is asking too much of flesh and bone. it made me sad, not just for her, but also for myself, that i almost let the same thing happen to me for the same reasons. a person who doesn't believe in you. an important person in your life - either emotionally or legally. or both, i guess. i am my mother's daughter in so many ways. but this is not a way i want to follow. compromise is an option, but on my terms. so many opportunities have crossed onto my path lately...in the past few weeks, actually. i have to stay focused on the path, and follow them. i mean, a castle at the end.....what's not to love about that? L.