Saturday, July 07, 2007
if you've followed this blog for any amount of time, you may have noticed my running obsession with Time. the idea of time....how i spend my time....wasting time....how time changes a person or thing, etc. well, sometimes, time runs short. that is the beating-around-the-bush message i've been getting from my mother, now that i've "taken time" to listen. who knows? is it just a hunch? a feeling? is it right or wrong? i hope wrong. but meanwhile, if that's the message she wants me to have, then that message needs to be respected. so i've taken steps to insure that "lost time" is made up for. beginning next week, i'll be taking wednesdays off work in order to have "mom time." the thought came to me quietly, yet insistantly, over the past week. actually, thursday morning i awoke with the thought that i don't have "enough time" to see & do all the things i wanted. so throughout the day, a running list of things i would like to "spend more time on" kept weaving through my day. one of those things was "spending time" with my new-found mom. how would we ever get to coordinate our schedules? i needed to have "more time" as it is with my art. the becky home ec-y stuff was in a sad state. the only thing on my list that was "stealing" most of my time like a robber was work. by thursday evening, it was clear that i needed to modify my schedule. there would have to be a shifting of how i "spend my time" from things that will be more permanent (a job - somewhere) to things that will not be. it was surprisingly easy to decide. it felt very very right, and in the flow of the Journey. before i could even start rolling the mental tape with worries about money, or husbandly recriminations, a large insistant thought dominated..."The money will come." and with that thought came such a peaceful reassurance. as i headed toward the doors at work on friday, i knew i had to let my boss know that morning. a nano-second of financial panic started, but "the money will come" shoved it aside. 2 steps later, the warm sun glinted off something on the pavement. a nickel. an omen. i approached the director and told her "i've been given a wonderful gift." she was excited for me and asked what. I said i had been given the gift of time. i told her my mother had been indicating to me that she felt her time is short, and she would like to spend more of it with me. what deeper love is there, then to share something so precious that's in such short supply? i explained that beginning next week, i would have to modify my work week to dis-include wednesdays. meanwhile, i was secretly amazed at my boldness to take this step. and the calm clarity of it all. it was absolutely logical and right, even though on the face of it (given my current situation) illogical and very wrong. and wonder of wonders, she understood immediately and completely. we talked of other options, such as working longer hours on the other 4 days, or a saturday, but none of that seemed right. it may make more sense sometime, but not now. i needed to be fresh and rested and centered for mom-time. who knows what the bigger bosses will think? but i am serving a Boss who's bigger yet, and i have confidence that this move will only bring prosperity in one way or the other. i worried how husband would react, and admit i haven't told him yet. my neighbor (also in a fast cab on her Journey) said she has a Feeling that he will be fine with it. it is. it just is. this is where i need to be right now. i hope he understands, but i can't change what i know to be right. to do so would be disrespectful to Time. mom & i are giddy with plans....i want to show her my Lake - from the secret spot - at sunrise. we plan daytrips to corning glass, and learning how to bake bread, and more knitting. maybe some days, just early breakfast and then part for the day to our own devices. but that day will be sacred to one another. such a gift i've been given. i am unable to express my gratitude in thoughts or words of this earth. grateful also for the circumstances that have put me in a mindset to see and hear the call of the sweet gentle voice telling me that although you can "spend" time, and "waste" time, and time can be "stolen" and "made".....you can never "save" time to "spend" at your convenience. there is no shelf life on time. it is, then it's gone. evry passing moment, is a moment that has passed. it won't return, and it cannot be saved for later use. so the Journey continues....i walk the path not knowing what is to come, but grateful for the guidance along the way, and from time to time, the sweet smell of the rightness of it all. L.
at 7:50 AM