monday monday

so it's monday...but really thursday for me, since i have wednesday off. what a great thought! hubby is out of town, and all weekend i kept dreaming of having the house to myself. au contraire. stepson decided to stay with the visitation schedule (even tho the vist-ee was gone) and thinks he'll be staying here this week. hmm. puts me in an interesting position. tell him to go to his mom's, and look like The Evil One, or suck it up since he'll be gone most of the time (theoretically). something about a no-parents-home house and 18 year olds who just graduated...don't mix. we'll see. maybe i'll invite my mom over with her church ladies to hold a revival in the livingroom at high noon! sounding better. my neighbors just had a baby. actually, the wife did all the work, but the baby lives with them both. they also have a 2-year old that the entire neighborhood claims as their own...it takes a cul-de-sac to raise a child. the neighbors are tired and cranky with each other. the baby fusses. isn't it amazing how 1 life can effect everyone around it? hmm. i wonder what effect i've had, if any, on the places i've worked or the people i've met? there are people i've only met once, but have had such a profound effect on me, or made such a difference in my outlook, that i'd invite them to my surprise birthday party. (the event of my life). there is one girl that i met at an art event last year that just "took." no, no...she wasn't an emotional "taker".... something about her just clicked with my spirit. i consider her "friend" even tho i've never seen her since. it makes me careful to think about the effect i leave behind. my stepson's current favorite cliche is "i'm just leavin' my footprints...nothing else." (well, except dirty dishes in the sink and load upon load of laundry). don't we all "just leave our footprints" for others to follow or veer away from? think about a person you considered a role model. what was it about them that made you want to reach a little higher to be like them? what was it about them that made you want to be your best self? there are people i have met, and really tried to like. and just couldn't. i wish them no ill, but i just become a cranky crabby nasty person when i think of them. they are not terrible people...in fact a lot of people think they're wonderful. but something about them just rubs me the wrong way. it happens. so, do we go thru life trying to be all things to all people? no. that would be incredibly hard and fake...just be your best self...that's all we're charged with doing. that best self was put here for a reason. just like gears that fit together to make a machine run...this one fits with that one. if 1 gear gets a burr or a crack, suddenly it doesn't fit, and the machine doesn't run. so trying to be something you aren't "doesn't fit." i spent years thinking my art wasn't good enough because it wasn't like this one or that one. figured i'd never have talent. it was when i realized that i have my own art, my own voice, my own spirit to express...well, that's when the magic happened. do i copy other artists? never. but i do continue to grow and experiment with new techniques and materials. i may pick up a tip from someone else, but the result HAS to have my voice, or it just doesn't work. same with people. you learn from one or another, good or bad, but you incorporate that lesson into what is already perfect - yourself. i tried to explain to hubby that i was glad i didn't marry "a husband." a person trying to fulfill a role they thought they needed to be in. i'm not sure if he got it. in a family, there's always "the good kid" the "bad kid" the "artist" the "smart one" the ...whatever. athlete. shy one. you get the point. and once you're typecast, it's hard to break out of that role. it's funny when i see friends from years past...how they relate to me...how they seem uncomfortable when i react differently than they expect. my friend in new york is probably still amazed that i ever came to vist her when she lived in texas since i could barely make it across town without having a panic attack when she lived here. (follow all that?) i missed out on a lot then, but learned about boundaries too. physical and emotional. drink it all in, but only go back for seconds on the good stuff. you could say there is no "bad" since it only becomes a lesson. these past few months have been like a crash course in "me." i finally got to know myself, not the person i "should" be, and now have a chance to get to know those around me in a much deeper way. all those years as a reporter - asking probing questions to the unwilling - taught me how to listen. i just got tired of it and stopped. now i can listen with true intentions, and it's energizing. speaking of tired, diva dog is barking me to the bedroom. that dog knows how to tell time, and 9pm is her bedtime. that's when she gets on the bed and starts trying to lure me in with an exposed fuzzy belly. if that doesn't work, the barking begins. so off to comfort 4paws o' love. sorry to ramble and redirect so much tonight....just wanted to touch base with no particular place to go. sleep well.....L