art and anguish

i almost hate it....when the bubblings of "something big" starts....artwise. i can feel the flutterings of it, the craving of it, but have no idea what is about to begin growing. i compare my art creating to birth...not to sound all high-falootin, but mothers out there will relate. when you first feel that "butterflies in the stomach" feeling of life. a boy? a girl? who knows? you begin to fantasize about the life growing in you - how the child will be when (s)he is 2 or 6 or 10 or 18. and this is just within the first trembling moments of knowing that something life-changing, life-giving, is about to happen. (now i don't presume to create art that is life-altering, but follow me here). this work of art...will it be fiber? wood? rusty metal? a sculpture? a shrine? large? small? a gift? for sale? all this after just moments of feeling like i MUST create something. my hands MUST begin to mold something. the anguish and anticipation. at this point, i have no ideas. not one. just a leaning in a certain direction. like a dowser with the perfect branch in hand. this way? no. that way...you're getting warmer. i feel a night of disturbed sleep coming on. usually at these times, i wake early (5am) and take the longest shower allowed by law. something about water brings things in focus. the shower is perfect for this. close to my studio, and it's the only place i can think undisturbed by 2-leggeds or 4-leggeds, or by a clutter of materials lost & found scattered throughout my studio, trying to distract me. my shower is my blank page. a little intimidating, that blank page, but the soothing feel of the water and sound of the shower is a wonderful meditation. i feel a strong pull toward the flea market tomorrow morning. this excites me because that usually means there is a special treasure waiting...a heads-up from the rust angels! i also need to be by the shore of my Lake. listening to the waves coming in. smelling the air. communing with the gulls and ladybugs. i had a dragonfly land on me today, checking me out for some time. a good sign for sure. do i believe in signs? yes and no. i think people can turn anything into the "sign" they were looking for. doesn't make it any less of a sign. and can certainly give you the courage to move in the direction your instinct tells you you should. but there is something special between me and dragonflies. i don't know what but it's there. so back to the birth. i have a 3/4-formulated idea rambling around in my head right now, but need a form to mold it around. (mold? mould? you get the idea). (a physical one...a shape to put something over to make another something). i had planned to work on that while i did a bit more thinking on my glass piece before i ruin another expensive and beautiful full sheet of the sparkly stuff. but now this. this gnashing of an urging of a pay-attention-here not-even-an-idea-yet. just a feeling. a feeling that a great work is to come soon. do i wait? do i continue onto other things while it works itself out? time, once again, is my enemy. to spend time meditating on this idea, is to take time away from creating other half-finished work. and art-time for me is limited these days. work steals the best morning hours. by evening when i get home, exhaustion takes the rest. somewhere in between, obligations and diva-dog love need another chunk. she's quickly slowing down, which reminds me more that time is so precious. it's almost a year since my best love in the world left me. i miss him in a constant and heart-rending way. today i got a dog license renewal form for him. how sad to check off a different box on that form. diva dog has begun sleeping on the little woobie that he used to sleep on. i hope that isn't a sign of another kind. i get angry and impatient that so much of my gift of time must be spent in ways that i don't choose. that lottery win can't come soon enough! to be able to travel and fill my inspirational carafe. then bring it home to work it out. it's almost physical pain. my mind wanders....sedona, mexico, alaska, to see quebec city again would just do it! people bring me back the absolute coolest stuff from their trips - sacred objects to inspire me....red rocks from sedona....huge shells from cape cod. i have hornets nests from who knows where. an excellent rusty spoon. am i easy to please or what? their travels inspire me, and make me determined to see for myself. having spent some time as an almost-agoraphobic, the thought of travel is the most decadent thought i have! well, almost. i am at a point in my art that i need more instruction...not how to draw or paint the proper way...but how to make armatures, and how to weld, and make boxes out of wood. these are small, simple things, but it's the whole teach-a-man-to-fish thing. my ideas are surpassing my abilities right now. not a bad thing, just frustrating. there are shapes and designs and textures that i can feel and sense, but can't be easily found in a bin somewhere. the thrill of the hunting-and-gathering is wonderful, but sometimes you need what you need and you need it NOW. so as i ramble on about mundane things, this creature of a creation continues to taunt and tease at the edge of consciousness...daring me to look it in the eye and claim it. i long for my own space to create at any/all hours....wet/dry/noisy/quiet/climate controlled and all mine! bushel barrels and shelves filled with rusted trinkets and silks alike. roving and paints and dyes and tools...lots of tools! especially old hand tools - the kind you have to crank or twist by hand. and hooks in the ceiling for hanging large pieces while i'm working on them. and a huge work table. huge. really really huge. so an unfinished project can sit and simmer at the crossroads while another starts up. i found what i think is the perfect place, but $2500/mo is too steep right now. i am in quite a happy predicament...i've outgrown my skills and my space. i must be making progress! i hope tomorrows foray into the flea market brings about the missing piece to jump start this inkling.....i have a good feeling about it. the dragonfly was a good sign. sleep well....and that sound you hear - that's my mental pacing......L.