catch up

feeling much better, but surprisingly fatigued. i am just about able to make it through the day, and go up to bed around 8...unless Idol is on! then i nap for an hour just to stay awake! worrisome. but anyway, even as i am sleep-walking, the earth is waking up and so are my creative muses. i am trying not to overload myself with "started" projects that may/may not ever get finished. today, i met the most incredible woman. she is well past 50, with beautiful steel grey hair, dancing eyes and a vibrant spirit. my friend & i are both careening toward 50 and having a difficult time of it. 50. more than half your life gone. i worry - have i done enough? what haven't i done that i absolutely need to do/see/taste/feel? am i living the way i thought i'd be at this age? what can i change? so many questions. i thought by now i'd have all the answers! but this woman said after 50 is the best time of your life....you can speak your mind and people listen. you KNOW your mind by now. (i'm LOSING mine,so i'd better not speak too much!). i guess i always pictured myself being this earthmother-y type wearing lots of Bluefish clothes and sandals...sort of a grown up hippie chick. instead, i see my mother in the mirror more and more. those lines around my lips (WHAT upper lip?!?) and the corners of my mouth downturned. hard living, in the emotional sense, has brought those attributes to me. that makes me wonder if my mother has the same regrets and feelings of not-enough-time. what would she have wished for in her life? what are her greatest acheivements and disappointments? what would she change now? they say it ain't over till it's over, but i have a feeling there's a point where you might say "it's too late to swim against the tide." i feel "me" trying to break out of this life-skin i'm in. the struggle is epic at times. to break free means great loss, on one hand, but may bring fulfilling gain. is the result worth the struggle? since the result is unknown, is the risk worth the reward? i think yes, but wonder if i still have the strength and resolve to see it through. a life half-lived is worse than a life lived to others' designs. i think it's better to be blind to your "self," than to know your self, but be untrue to it. and i know my self. so i guess this rambling has produced the answer. time for a good CD with my sewing machine humming along to the the melody and diva dog hiding under my desk. it's funny - Kita preferred classical music. Diva dog likes rock and folk. anything else is just thunder to her ears. speaking of which, there's the first thunder of the year outside! come on Spring! L.