so what have i been up to?

if you've followed this blog for any amount of time, you may have noticed my running obsession with Time. the idea of time....how i spend my time....wasting time....how time changes a person or thing, etc. well, sometimes, time runs short. that is the beating-around-the-bush message i've been getting from my mother, now that i've "taken time" to listen. who knows? is it just a hunch? a feeling? is it right or wrong? i hope wrong. but meanwhile, if that's the message she wants me to have, then that message needs to be respected. so i've taken steps to insure that "lost time" is made up for. beginning next week, i'll be taking wednesdays off work in order to have "mom time." the thought came to me quietly, yet insistantly, over the past week. actually, thursday morning i awoke with the thought that i don't have "enough time" to see & do all the things i wanted. so throughout the day, a running list of things i would like to "spend more time on" kept weaving through my day. one of those things was "spending time" with my new-found mom. how would we ever get to coordinate our schedules? i needed to have "more time" as it is with my art. the becky home ec-y stuff was in a sad state. the only thing on my list that was "stealing" most of my time like a robber was work. by thursday evening, it was clear that i needed to modify my schedule. there would have to be a shifting of how i "spend my time" from things that will be more permanent (a job - somewhere) to things that will not be. it was surprisingly easy to decide. it felt very very right, and in the flow of the Journey. before i could even start rolling the mental tape with worries about money, or husbandly recriminations, a large insistant thought dominated..."The money will come." and with that thought came such a peaceful reassurance. as i headed toward the doors at work on friday, i knew i had to let my boss know that morning. a nano-second of financial panic started, but "the money will come" shoved it aside. 2 steps later, the warm sun glinted off something on the pavement. a nickel. an omen. i approached the director and told her "i've been given a wonderful gift." she was excited for me and asked what. I said i had been given the gift of time. i told her my mother had been indicating to me that she felt her time is short, and she would like to spend more of it with me. what deeper love is there, then to share something so precious that's in such short supply? i explained that beginning next week, i would have to modify my work week to dis-include wednesdays. meanwhile, i was secretly amazed at my boldness to take this step. and the calm clarity of it all. it was absolutely logical and right, even though on the face of it (given my current situation) illogical and very wrong. and wonder of wonders, she understood immediately and completely. we talked of other options, such as working longer hours on the other 4 days, or a saturday, but none of that seemed right. it may make more sense sometime, but not now. i needed to be fresh and rested and centered for mom-time. who knows what the bigger bosses will think? but i am serving a Boss who's bigger yet, and i have confidence that this move will only bring prosperity in one way or the other. i worried how husband would react, and admit i haven't told him yet. my neighbor (also in a fast cab on her Journey) said she has a Feeling that he will be fine with it. it is. it just is. this is where i need to be right now. i hope he understands, but i can't change what i know to be right. to do so would be disrespectful to Time. mom & i are giddy with plans....i want to show her my Lake - from the secret spot - at sunrise. we plan daytrips to corning glass, and learning how to bake bread, and more knitting. maybe some days, just early breakfast and then part for the day to our own devices. but that day will be sacred to one another. such a gift i've been given. i am unable to express my gratitude in thoughts or words of this earth. grateful also for the circumstances that have put me in a mindset to see and hear the call of the sweet gentle voice telling me that although you can "spend" time, and "waste" time, and time can be "stolen" and "made".....you can never "save" time to "spend" at your convenience. there is no shelf life on time. it is, then it's gone. evry passing moment, is a moment that has passed. it won't return, and it cannot be saved for later use. so the Journey continues....i walk the path not knowing what is to come, but grateful for the guidance along the way, and from time to time, the sweet smell of the rightness of it all. L.

addictions & reflections

i am a person of addictions. good ones and bad ones. but there are just certain things i cannot live without. cigarettes, as you may have read earlier, unfortunately are one. but the good ones outweigh the bad-for-you ones. magazines. i must have hundreds piled around my house, despite semi-regular purgings. early early mornings, though not necessarily an addiction, are an essential part of my days off. 4am, 5am. when i'm the only person awake in the whole world. me and little diva dog, that is. and eventually birds and squirrels and chipmunks. the other is books. i have to have at least 2 good books at the ready. if i'm getting near the end of one, and don't have the next one picked out yet, it makes me uncomfortable. so it stands to reason, given the volume of volumes i read, i'll end up with a "sacred selection" of books that are like best friends. i'll never lend them (sorry), and keep them in a special place of honor next to my bed. today i went to Barnes & Noble and grabbed one with an interesting title. can i tell you....this is the Book of Books. the read of a lifetime. sacred of sacred books. you MUST go now and get it. The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. even the title fits with my current life...my favorite artist, Michael DeMeng, talks about being an alchemist in his new book. i came across a real find recently at a junk shop - an old alchemist cabinet. so the whole alchemy thing is voodoo-ing it's way thru my life. i'm only on page 29 and can tell this is a call-in-sick-to-work book. here's part of the prologue (you remember the story about Narcissus - the boy who knelt at the lake every day to gaze at his own beautiful reflection? one day he fell in and drowned and a flower grew in that very spot. here's where we join up...) When Narcissus died, the goddess of the forest appeared and found the lake, which had been fresh water, transformed into a lake of salty tears. 'why do you weep?' the goddess asked. 'I weep for Narcissus,' the lake replied. 'Ah, it is no surprise that you weep for him, for although we always pursued him in the forest, you alone could contemplate his beauty close at hand.' 'But...was Narcissus beautiful?' the lake asked. 'Who better than you to know that,' replied the goddess in wonder. ' after all, it was by your banks that he knelt each day to contemplate himself.' The lake was silent for some time. Finally it said : 'I weep for Narcissus, but i never noticed he was beautiful. I weep because, each time he knelt beside my banks, I could see, in the depth of his eyes, my own beauty reflected." to add my own comments now would be disruptive. go. read. L.

happy independance

life lately has been handing me lemonade...the sour part sqeezed out and sweetly chillin' in a glass with a little mint thingie floating on top. i feel freedom from the nasties that seemed to dog me and drag me to a standstill. a quiet confidence in myself, and in things to come. a great anticipation fills me, and i know that just around the bend there are some wonderful and amazing things about to happen. one of those things - i'm teaching a workshop! details to come, but i'm very excited about it. meanwhile, along with this bubbling anticipation has come a quiet center. this, my 50th year, seems to have taken the reflection and inner solitude, and formed it into the person i was meant to be. day by day i am coming to know (and like) the person i am becoming. maybe i always was. years of old paint and frills stripped away to the essential blank wall on which the original structure was built. in the past weeks as i came to know my mother, i learned more about myself...how and why i react the way i do in situations. fears i inherited and learned and have discarded. now free to feel and love, reject or discount things as i see them...not as i "should" or "shouldn't." as the eve of the 4th of July arrives, so too has my own independance. from the old. from opinions and obstacles. from fears and uncertainties. from myself as i was...toward the self that i was meant to be. tomorrow i'll head to my Lake to watch the waves break across the rocky shoreline...listen to gulls screech - maybe this is the year they'll trust the food in my hand...to thousands of ladybugs in need of rescue...and butterflies alight on the dunes. sunrise or sunset? yet to be determined. but guaranteed to fill my soul. L.

okay - now the details

sorry about the sideways pic.

first, let me say it was the most amazing weekend i've had in a while. and for small reasons. all bunched up small reasons that became a grand adventure. when the actuality of driving 6 hours in a car with my mother to go to an art weekend hit me, i was a little - no a lot - nervous about it. i mean, what was i thinking? wouldn't you want a like-minded artsy person with you to set the mood? someone who likes the same music? or has cooler music to listen to on the way? but that person is certainly not your mother. well, check again...it may be. so we drive and drive and drive. i have my typical 14 maps and sets of directions. i will be aware of every bump and landmark along the way - nothing to chance on this important weekend. got a fully loaded CD case. check. coffee. check. 19 packs of cigarettes. check. truck packed to overflowing with rusty metal, paints, glues, oh - and clothes? check. mom is looking forward to this trip as much as i am...she will have an entire day to herself with no obligations. so i resolve that NO MATTER WHAT, i will be calm and peaceful and go with the flow, if for no other reason than to give her that gift. we never get to the CDs. the conversation was incredible. i learned things about my mom, through her words, and our working together, that i never thought she knew, felt, or had even thought about before. she was- gasp- a real person! and a very cool one at that. she has done things and lived things that i wouldd never have imagined. she is a strong woman who has played the hand that has been dealt her throughout her life without complaint or blame. it's easy to point a finger or shake a fist at someone else when your life isn't becoming quite what you expected. i know that one by heart. it easy to play the victim and get into that "woe is me" pity party (party of one - your table is ready). you become the taker in life, rather than a contributer, and that cements your feet in that one point. mom just goes with the flow. she still has hopes and dreams. she still wrestles the dragon of self-discovery. she is in a marriage that is stifling her, but has chosen to stay, and i have chosen to respect that....it's HER decision, even though i (now) see what an incredible woman she is and would love to see her free. she directs her wants and desires to service for others. not subservient service. that would imply the death of her spirit. she is spiritual in a non-churchy way, which was the most incredible thing i discovered. day-by-day, she wraps the church around her like a protective cloak....anything not seemingly endorsed by the church is rejected out-of-hand. but on this trip, the cloak was not packed. we arrived in Danvers exhausted and starving, so we went to the nearest familiar place - Chili's restaurant. let me stop here to give you a quick lay-of-the-land. most of the state of Mass. is 1-way. and it's usually the "other" way. what i mean is, they have these multiple-lane roads with huge cement dividers and no U-turn areas. so if you get lost, or miss a turn, it may be quite a while before you can turn back. so we go to dinner, and there's a Big Lots store behind the restaurant. i still need a few supplies, so we check it out. after leaving the store, we head out onto the hiway from hell, and quickly realize we're going the wrong way. we think. maybe. who knows. up ahead, the road widens and there are a lot of signs...we are headed for a turnpike-ish -going-somewhere-ELSE kinda road. like another state somewhere else. so i pull off onto the last little side street at 55mph and stop. what do we do now? i turn my head to look out the window, and there is a cop in his cruiser (or "cruisah" if you're native). he gives me the most confusing set of directions that include lots of " then get on the turnabout" type things. i must have looked sufficiently confused, cause he gruffly said "follow me." we proceed - at high speed- to fly through small rundown neighborhoods that have been recently visited by the pothole fairies. about 5 mins later (15 at normal speed, i estimate) we end up pulling into the BIG LOTS PARKING LOT and go up a hidden little road that takes us right to our hotel. duh. who knew? we laughed so hard (after Peabody's finest cleared the scene). so it was 8:30pm and we were beyond tired. to bed. i was thinking about what a magical day it had been in so many unname-able ways. (sorry GP). i was up at 4:30am. we decided to try to find a breakfast place CLOSE BY and the plan was that i would then take map #2 and find the little town "just down the street" where my dream workshop with artist Michael DeMeng was being held. i am a huge fan of his work, as it touches the same chords in my soul as i try to create in my own work to send out to the world. after relating the story of our "police escort" to the night clerk, and was handed ANOTHER map, we headed off to a nice breakfast restaurant. i won't relay the conversations we had, because they are still too precious to me to share, but i will hold them to my heart forever. simple things, and complicated things all wrapped around a stack of pancakes and an order of eggs. i was beginning to see my mother as a person...as a woman who has lived in a determined and thoughtful way. who is different from me only in some of the choices she has made - but even then, not so different. maybe only in her reaction to them. she was becoming 3-dimensional. not just the person i call every morning to say hi. not the person i rush off a quick cellphone call as i head into work, or who will faithfully watch my dog when i need a break or go somewhere fun. she has always been there in all her depth, but i only saw what i saw. how un-artist-like of me. and such a shame to have missed out. thankfully, she never turned away. what i perceived as her being taken advantage of by almost everyone, i now realize is actually her gift....to be able to help someone up time after time after time when they trip over the same rock in the same road in the same spot. and let them learn on their own. no matter how long it takes. she shows love and patience to her husband, who personally, i would have pushed off a tall building years ago. she wants a little more quiet space in her life, but is able to see the goodness in everyone. that is a gift. especially if you met some of the people she deals with daily. anyway - the workshop was glorious. i arrived early (big surprise!) and as i approched the store, a woman in a purple shirt started waving at me furiously. i pointed at myself and she nodded. she was early too. her name is Rain. cool. i had been hoping for a workshop-buddy, and here she was. somehow we instantly began talking about how we are becoming our mothers. did you ever catch yourself saying something, or notice a movement of your hand or feel a facial expression that you knew unerringly came from your mother? that was our talk. i gave her a wooden cigar box and we are now bonded for life. she gave me much more. strange how she launched into that topic...i mean, we just met. why not talk about art, or the workshop? so that became the theme for my piece "becoming my mother." and it is wonderful in all it's rusted glory. now, if you've ever taken a workshop with me, you know i tend to be loud, clutzy, high-maintenance and never finish my project. despite the fact that there was all this creative high (and the glue helped a lot!) and also the fact that another of my favorite artists was there to help Michael, i was quiet, normal and productive. centered. thoughtful. and i shared my stuff. gasp! good girl. the thoughts and emotions of becoming my mom were overwhelming. i guess there just is no way to put this into words after all, but something shifted in me. the workshop ran long. i was beyond exhausted. dinner at a nice seafood restaurant. back to the hotel where mom was going to teach me to knit. good luck. we sat close on the couch and she tentatively put a hand on my shoulder as i twisted and tangled my way through some stitches. it felt good. it felt right. it felt like water on parched ground. and it made me sad at the same time that she felt she had to be so cautious about showing me affection, yet craving to touch and hold me so much that she would risk rejection or me pulling away. i leaned in and continued to try to knit. i was beginning to notice that she was not this nervous, insecure bag of quaking person. she was quiet and observant. unsure in some situations, like the rest of us, but certain of herself and what she felt. sensitive. i guess her sensitivity is what i mistook for insecurity. easily wounded, she proceeds on tentative steps. the past seemed stupid and juvenile...to carry that rotten tomato around hoping to one day make a salad. it was the present that became so urgent and important. time is short, as i have become aware these past few years. she craves the touch and understanding of her children and loved ones. she groans for a relationship with them - for them to see her as the wonderful,complex person she is, rather than an accumulation of so-called failings. or as a paper cutout of a person. or as a comparison of what she was 20 years ago, 30 years ago, 40 years ago. the scales, i realized are always balanced. it's just how you see things. stand in front and look at them head on and unflinching...dare to use inner eyes. my daily conversations were superficial compared to this. okay - now the transition. got up monday morning and was still undecided about whether to go to Salem to see the Cornell exhibit, or just head home. it would be a shame to be this close and not go, but since all the directions we got all weekend started with "it's just down the road" and usually ended with us lost somewhere, i didn't know if i had the energy to be lost again AND drive 6 hours home. as i went to settle the bill at the hotel office, i found a perfect, pristine little piece of a red ribbon. good sign. at the checkout, the woman was just starting her shift. cranky and hadn't had enough coffee. after 5 minutes of her frustration, she said the original check-in girl (from syracuse, by the way, with an artist mother!) had bollucked up the whole acct and SHE didn't have the time or energy to try to figure out what the friggin ding dong (quote) was going on and if she tried to, it would screw things up worse, so my bill was $9.87. total. period. that's it. no more. don't ask - just hand over a ten-spot-keep-the-change-so-long. yow! so i decided we'd go to Salem. home of the witch trials. with my born-again-and-again-and-again mother. home of satan. home of everything evil. unless you know the true story. she was unfazed by the whole "evil"thing. the Cornell exhibit brought tears to my eyes and i was again overwhelmed. even trying to faithfully record events here is so lame. the depth of emotions that weekend....the art....the friendships forged, both at the workshop, and with my mother, and with myself. she took few pictures, as did i. when i asked her why, she said "i have it all here in my heart. a picture would never be right." my thoughts. exactly. L.

on becoming my mother

this has been the most overwhelming 3 days in my life...i left sat early a.m. to head to Danvers, MA for a Michael DeMeng workshop...with my mom riding shotgun. these 2 incredible events had the potential to send me over the edge of reason - each in their own way. i had a talk with myself before i left and was determined to just let her be herself, and likewise, to just be me. tomorrow i will fill in the most incredible details of this gift of an adventure, but let me end this quick preview by saying 1) although i see myself slowly becoming my mom, it isn't such a bad thing now that i know her....and 2) you do not want to miss tomorrow's post. my apologies for this lame-o teaser, but i have been up since 4am, and drove from 7am-8pm....it's now 10:41, and i just cannot do this magical trip justice with the few remaining brain cells i have left.....so till tomorrow - put on a sweater...i'm cold. ;) L.

you asked for it....

okee dokee...i warn you - don't stare too long at the picture...you wanted to see my studio, so here's a small corner of my world....messy and i love it like that! also here's a wallhanging i made for my friend...it's dupioni silk on cotton duck...not real easy to see the tasty, but colorful anyway. it's all beaded up. L.

like a bee

life has certainly been busy busy busy the past few weeks....i've been trying to create some art for a dr's office (3 pieces) and for a friend (2 pieces) plus get ready for my dream trip to a workshop in MA in 2 weeks. whew. the inspiration seems to be flowing at the same time as the need for the art - for a change! at the same time, my dear friend Katie passed away. very strange "coincidence" surrounding that event...i got a call at work from a girl i'd worked with at 911. had only worked with her for 6 months (she was new, i was leaving) and never was real close to her. anyway, somehow, she recognized my voice when i answered the phone. how weird is that? we chatted for a minute or so and she was adamant that i give her my phone number. despite misgivings, i gave her my cell number, then had a co-worker answer her work-related questions - i didn't feel right digging around her medical file. 2 days later, i was out of sorts all day. didn't want to be at work, didn't want to be at home, didn't feel productive. just out of sorts. squirmy. so i stayed at work, despite an easy excuse of a dr appt at hand. when i left work, there was a message from this ex-co-worker telling me that kate had passed. now, i don't know of anyone else that would have made sure that i knew about kate except this girl. people get caught up in grief and turn to those closest to them, those they see everyday. but beth made sure i knew. coincidence? i went to kate's funeral today. it was the hardest thing i've done in recent memory. i was glad that she was out of suffering and pain - she did not deserve that. but as people began to file to the front and tell stories of what she meant to them and how she had changed them - just by being her - it began to dawn on me how each life creates a ripple. all the kids in the neighborhood flocked to her house for unconditional love - even if that meant a swat on the behind from time to time. at one point, this huge giant of a black man stood up at the microphone. his name was Handsome. he said "it took a tiny little white woman to teach me what it is to be a man." she was no stranger to trials in her life. but she handled them with a smile and a prayer and kept her head up and plowed through whatever came. never once heard her preach or even quote the bible - she just lived her life the way she knew she should. she meant so much to so many. and it created a ripple. this one was touched by her and passed it on to the next and the next and taught their kids like she'd taught them. a tiny little force of nature. never preached. never said a bad word about anyone. but was just a normal everyday woman. i will surely miss her...the thought of her being at the end of the phone. listening to grown men and women from the police depts weep as they recounted how much she meant to them - battle-hardened veterans of the war on the streets, humbled by the grace and love of this one person. it made me think - how will i effect the world? of late, i have been extremely needy in the emotional realm. battling depression. battling a sagging marriage. mourning my dear nikita still. not knowing which way to turn in my life, or whether to stay in place. this afternoon reminded me that i too will make a ripple....for good or for bad, for betterment of those i touch, or not. i am a different person because of kate. a better person. she saved me in ways i cannot express at a time when i needed it. i will try to be that person, that kate-ripple person. as we all stood in the vestibule after the service, waiting to go to the cemetary, the tears flowed harder as we realized that this was our final goodbye...that it was now up to us to take her love and pass it on. what a precious gift and what a difficult task. L

creation

the rust gods were with me today! an incredible score at the flea market....actually, a whole bunch o' goodies! i'm working on a piece now called "she had a lot to say" and feel like there may be a few more with the same name. ("son of..." "the 2nd" hmmm, need to think about that). it was nice to get out and take my time without feeling guilty about not being home doing chores. i got up around 5:30am and took diva dog for a walk (after a cup of coffee! amazing how many other people were out. i must have been sending out good vibes, because the vendors at the flea market were handing me stuff free. or maybe they couldn't believe anyone would want some of the stuff i picked out! greasy rusty spark plugs...an old faucet...etc. i tried to be friendly and chatty but not show too much interest in the pieces i wanted. my poker face hits the floor though when i see just the right piece of whatever. and this time i remembered to bring singles instead of whipping out a $20 bill. i was so incredibly exhilirated that i came home and made art! the idea that was twinkling around in my head, hiding when i peeked, has finally shown itself. i say "finally" as if it was an intolerable wait, when in fact in the past, i've waited months for that "ah ha" moment. and a few hours after that, i knew where it would have a home. you know how different people in your life inspire different things ? this one makes you feel good about yourself...that one is your "serious" friend with whom you discuss deep thoughts ...that one is a little dangerous in a giddy way...you know what i mean. well, i have a person in my life i think of as the "receptor." it seems lately that i'll have an idea - a big one- but probably wouldn't start the work because it would be a huge undertaking. with my flea-fart attention span, it would never get done! well, it seems like moments after the idea "gels," she'll call and i'll realize she's the one who this piece is meant to go to. strange. my pieces all seem to pick out their homes as i work on them. that's why it's hard for me to just create for the sake of creating sometimes. there has to be a destination in mind for it. i picture how the person will react and interact with the piece....where it may end up in their home. these pieces always end up being a conversation, or more of a thank you, actually, to that person. i'm so grateful and extremely blessed to have the friends i have. truly special friends who are supportive and encouraging and as happy for my successes and growth as i am. i only hope i give back something to them that enriches their lives. (i say "friends" but i include my brother) he is something special. although when we were growing up i didn't quite think so. but now, i feel closer to him that any other person. we're very much alike, yet very different. sylvia & trudi. oy. so anyway, doing an inventory of the day, my question to myself is: do i create art, or does the art create me? hmmm..............L

art and anguish

i almost hate it....when the bubblings of "something big" starts....artwise. i can feel the flutterings of it, the craving of it, but have no idea what is about to begin growing. i compare my art creating to birth...not to sound all high-falootin, but mothers out there will relate. when you first feel that "butterflies in the stomach" feeling of life. a boy? a girl? who knows? you begin to fantasize about the life growing in you - how the child will be when (s)he is 2 or 6 or 10 or 18. and this is just within the first trembling moments of knowing that something life-changing, life-giving, is about to happen. (now i don't presume to create art that is life-altering, but follow me here). this work of art...will it be fiber? wood? rusty metal? a sculpture? a shrine? large? small? a gift? for sale? all this after just moments of feeling like i MUST create something. my hands MUST begin to mold something. the anguish and anticipation. at this point, i have no ideas. not one. just a leaning in a certain direction. like a dowser with the perfect branch in hand. this way? no. that way...you're getting warmer. i feel a night of disturbed sleep coming on. usually at these times, i wake early (5am) and take the longest shower allowed by law. something about water brings things in focus. the shower is perfect for this. close to my studio, and it's the only place i can think undisturbed by 2-leggeds or 4-leggeds, or by a clutter of materials lost & found scattered throughout my studio, trying to distract me. my shower is my blank page. a little intimidating, that blank page, but the soothing feel of the water and sound of the shower is a wonderful meditation. i feel a strong pull toward the flea market tomorrow morning. this excites me because that usually means there is a special treasure waiting...a heads-up from the rust angels! i also need to be by the shore of my Lake. listening to the waves coming in. smelling the air. communing with the gulls and ladybugs. i had a dragonfly land on me today, checking me out for some time. a good sign for sure. do i believe in signs? yes and no. i think people can turn anything into the "sign" they were looking for. doesn't make it any less of a sign. and can certainly give you the courage to move in the direction your instinct tells you you should. but there is something special between me and dragonflies. i don't know what but it's there. so back to the birth. i have a 3/4-formulated idea rambling around in my head right now, but need a form to mold it around. (mold? mould? you get the idea). (a physical one...a shape to put something over to make another something). i had planned to work on that while i did a bit more thinking on my glass piece before i ruin another expensive and beautiful full sheet of the sparkly stuff. but now this. this gnashing of an urging of a pay-attention-here not-even-an-idea-yet. just a feeling. a feeling that a great work is to come soon. do i wait? do i continue onto other things while it works itself out? time, once again, is my enemy. to spend time meditating on this idea, is to take time away from creating other half-finished work. and art-time for me is limited these days. work steals the best morning hours. by evening when i get home, exhaustion takes the rest. somewhere in between, obligations and diva-dog love need another chunk. she's quickly slowing down, which reminds me more that time is so precious. it's almost a year since my best love in the world left me. i miss him in a constant and heart-rending way. today i got a dog license renewal form for him. how sad to check off a different box on that form. diva dog has begun sleeping on the little woobie that he used to sleep on. i hope that isn't a sign of another kind. i get angry and impatient that so much of my gift of time must be spent in ways that i don't choose. that lottery win can't come soon enough! to be able to travel and fill my inspirational carafe. then bring it home to work it out. it's almost physical pain. my mind wanders....sedona, mexico, alaska, to see quebec city again would just do it! people bring me back the absolute coolest stuff from their trips - sacred objects to inspire me....red rocks from sedona....huge shells from cape cod. i have hornets nests from who knows where. an excellent rusty spoon. am i easy to please or what? their travels inspire me, and make me determined to see for myself. having spent some time as an almost-agoraphobic, the thought of travel is the most decadent thought i have! well, almost. i am at a point in my art that i need more instruction...not how to draw or paint the proper way...but how to make armatures, and how to weld, and make boxes out of wood. these are small, simple things, but it's the whole teach-a-man-to-fish thing. my ideas are surpassing my abilities right now. not a bad thing, just frustrating. there are shapes and designs and textures that i can feel and sense, but can't be easily found in a bin somewhere. the thrill of the hunting-and-gathering is wonderful, but sometimes you need what you need and you need it NOW. so as i ramble on about mundane things, this creature of a creation continues to taunt and tease at the edge of consciousness...daring me to look it in the eye and claim it. i long for my own space to create at any/all hours....wet/dry/noisy/quiet/climate controlled and all mine! bushel barrels and shelves filled with rusted trinkets and silks alike. roving and paints and dyes and tools...lots of tools! especially old hand tools - the kind you have to crank or twist by hand. and hooks in the ceiling for hanging large pieces while i'm working on them. and a huge work table. huge. really really huge. so an unfinished project can sit and simmer at the crossroads while another starts up. i found what i think is the perfect place, but $2500/mo is too steep right now. i am in quite a happy predicament...i've outgrown my skills and my space. i must be making progress! i hope tomorrows foray into the flea market brings about the missing piece to jump start this inkling.....i have a good feeling about it. the dragonfly was a good sign. sleep well....and that sound you hear - that's my mental pacing......L.

birthday cake rodeo

now sit back with a cup of coffee or some cold beverage and be prepared to love your life sooo much better than my so-called life. expecting the usual philosophical meaderings? not a chance after the day i've had. i'll try to be faithful in the painful recounting. preface: yesterday was the Day From Hell with 2 people out sick....just me, another newer girl, and a "veteran" who was never trained at all. busiest call volume yet. so i was a puddle by noon. fast forward thru my trance-like remnants of a day/night. today was not so bad - everyone all present and accounted for at work. so it's my job to pick up The Birthday Cake for my co-worker, Amy (who got me this job). mixed feelings about her these days. so, being the over-kill type person that i am, i order a whole sheet cake - strawberry filled, the whole 9 lbs. it weighs more than a Volvo. almost splits in 2 before i get it safely in the house. i'll spare you the details of getting it from the bakery counter, over the sneeze guard , through the checkout and into the car, because in retrospect those hurdles are NOTHING compared to what is about to occur. well, i have a WHOLE sheet cake, but a QUARTER sheet cake fridge. starting to get a smile, aren't you. no amount of wishin and cramming are going to get that monster into my fridge. so i empty out a shelf in the freezer. nope. too big. the bakery has closed, so there's no bringing it back and picking it up tomorrow. i get the tape measure out of my tool box and measure the shelf in the fridge. 19". i measure 19" of cake, and do the unthinkable - i cut a 6" slice off the end. we'll have 2 cakes. actually a cake (happ birthd am) and a cake-lette (y ay y). together..."happy birthday amy." so NOW - how do i get the cake-lette onto another platter??? the spatula is, well, caking up with cake. and frosting. so i cut smaller and smaller pieces till i can splat them onto the turkey platter. good. not pretty, but at this point i could care. anyway, it's CAKE! i grab my box cutter and cut the heavy duty cardboard that the cake sits on. pull on it. frosting flies in my hair, coats my glasses and arms. and shirt. and dog. crud. okay...keep going. starving for dinner (7:45pm). now i have to reconfigure the damn box to fit the smaller cake. packing tape coated with frosting works somewhat. close enough. wrap wrap wrap. now to the fridge....cram cram...no fit. still 2" too big. Crappity crap crap. i hate amy. i hate her cake. i can't even eat cake for crying out loud...blood sugar issues. clear out a shelf in the freezer. it fits. ahhh. oops - still have a cake-lette on the platter. stick candles in the smaller smaller pieces to hold the tinfoil away from it (no saran) and cover. open fridge...wait - this is the turkey SERVING platter - so designated because IT DOESN'T FIT IN THE FRIDGE. damn! starving. shaky. dog wants chicken. i want chicken. groggy. oogie. tilt cram slam. it fits. eat chickenwith frosting. so. how was your day????

peanuts

remember Charlie Brown & Lucy? how every time she'd hold the football for him, she promised not to move it? and every time, just as he was about to kick it, she'd yank it away, and BAM! down he'd go on his back with a *sigh*. well, i think i have Charlie Brown syndrome. not a fear of failure, but as the wonderful thing gets closer, i wait for it to get yanked away. after a while, do you dare hope? or am i so programmed to expect disappointment, that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy? that i have become comfortable in disappointment...like, "whew! there it is finally - now i can relax...it's happened." am i stunting my own growth? or have paths become closed to me because there was another path to take? i can see a thread woven through my life ...how this wouldn't have happened if that hadn't come 1st. the heartbreaks, the disapointments, the wrong this or that, actually turned out to be the breeze that pushed me toward the point that i'm at now. and while not great externally, it ain't so bad internally. this point i'm at. i saw a sign in front of a church yesterday as i zipped past at too many miles per hour. "It's never too late to be who you were meant to be." Yow. good thing traffic was light! as i am discovering who i was meant to be, i've also become keenly aware of the "too late" portion....too old, too comfortable, too scared, too fill-in-the-blank with any/all excuses. which brings me back to charlie brown and the football. why do i continue to run towards that damn ball? yes, it's a great point for "if at first you don't succeed...." but there comes a point where you have to scratch your head and say, "maybe a different way." maybe that different way is to say "why not?? WHY wouldn't this work?" or hit the showers and join a new game. and stop blaming Lucy for the fact that you keep running for that same damn ball. in the past 2 years, i've had some amazing insight foisted upon me. it all started when my great-good-friend Georgia (yes, the famous poet is MY friend!) began demanding of me that i call myself an artist because i WAS one. it was ridiculously uncomfortable at first. i remember telling my creative writing teacher at OCC that i hoped to be a writer someday. he replied that i was one, then. you are what you feel you are, he said. at what point would it become "legitimate?" good point. so i guess the second time i was hit with the same undeniable logic, it was easier to swallow, right? nope. artists are different than me. they are cool. self-assured. they have their own art-language. they drink latte and hang out with other cool people - all wearing very slim black pants and berets. they talk about looking at "spaces" and interpretive this-n-that. they listened to more jazz than i could bear, even having dated 3 jazz musicians in my life. (2 more than was essentially necessary). i was none of these things. and still am not and never will be- i am a nervous wreck most times. a definate square peg. at times, needy to the point of egotistical. i do own black pants, however, not in a size considered "slim." and more inclined to listen to Stevie Nicks or Indigo Girls than Coltrane. so i spent last year feeling equal parts enlivened by my new persona, and feeling like a fraud. so i did what i usually do: retreated to the comfort of my fabric, fiber, wood and metal, beads and paints. and - you guessed it- made art. hmmmm, you may say - but didn't you just say...fraud. oh yes, my friend. at some point during some early morning junking at the flea market, it occured to me ....HEY! if i make art...i AM an artist! hunh. this may have been a much easier concept for most of you to grasp early on, had it been you instead of me, but again...the football - good things just don't happen. so while i was busy expecting the worst, some slow & subtle lessons were being learned - unbeknownst to me. a certain shifting, a slow dawning, a growth. i was becoming the person i was meant to be. i began to realize that it was possible to speak common-man english and still be an artist. i also realized that the art-speak was 1 of 2 things, depending on the speaking person and also the place spoken in. it was either an attempt at elitism. or an attempt to define the un-definable. (sorry GP). when someone asks what your art piece represents, it's kind of like "if i could speak it, i wouldn't have to create it." it isn't so much a representation of a concept....it's more like the representation of what that concept evokes in me. how does it make you feel when you look at it or touch it? then THAT'S what it represents. so in attempt to define what cannot be spoken, a whole vocabulary was invented. words and phrases like "textural representation" or what have you. yes, i agree...most of the time it's just being hoity-toidy. and i avoid that at all costs. who needs more of that? i also discovered that most of these cool people were not so self-assured....that many had the same issues i had - "am i good enough?" "oh God what if they find out I don't have a fine arts degree?" the important stuff. so anyway, as i ramble toward some point or another (because if you know me, you know i am unable to tell a short story), i realized that i was developing opinions...i wasn't just taking in the whole "art world" as it were (and the artists i knew) and saying, WOW - i must not be an artist because i don't paint. or my work is so much different, mine must be lesser. nope. i started realizing that my expressions of my muse was as legitimate as anyone else's. my technique or medium may be different, but that doesn't make it lesser, or less valid. so as i slowly came to this reckoning, i began to see that i didn't have to kick the football. and that not everyone who holds a brush, or welding torch is a better person than me. yes, there are things within my personality that i am not proud to feel or think. but, they have a place. but those things should not overshadow the sum of the whole. (yes, i'm still reading Einstein). i really feel like this year will bring a culmination of good and bad things from my life together to blossom into a new and wonderful thing. a big thing. i'm not sure what, but i have a tilt-a-whirl kind of buzzing excitement on the outskirts of my brain that hasn't made itself clear yet. my personal big bang theory. so until that time comes, i'll keep plugging away making art. real art. from the stirrings in my soul. i have to. because i'm an artist.

i wonder

i'm reading a really fat book called "Einstein," which is obviously about Albert Einstein...my all-time top-of-the-list most interesting person. i would've loved to have met him. anyway, it occured to me - does anyone "wonder" anymore? with cable, satellite dishes, 24-hour news, cell phones, blackberries, etc, we are so bombarded with information. does that make us feel full? does it seem as though there are no more "great thoughts" to think - unless they are commercially connected. not just that next great cell phone feature, or the newest 10-D graphics for Nintendo. but true discovery. have we discovered all that will ever be discovered? it seems science is working diligently on cures for the newest diseases - depending on funding of course. but what about the person who looks up at the sky, or down at the ground, and says "i wonder...." and that wonder, that one niggling question or theory, becomes their life's passion - even if there is no funding from Smith-Kline or Bristol Meyers or the government or fill-in-the-blank. wonder for the sake of wonder. and absolutely needing to answer the questions. watching a small child discovering the world around them is a lot like that. not that i have a huge fondness for kids for extended amounts of time, but seeing life through their eyes is amazing. a blade of grass...a bird...pots & pans...name it! they are awestruck! and it isn't just the educated or important - it's often the person with a little imagination and a lot of time that come up with the Big Thoughts, but no resources or tools to check the theory. Einstein was a locksmith, then a patent clerk. He, at one point, married his 1st cousin. now imagine that scenario today. yeah, okay, quantum what?? your break time's over. here's my theory - the Big Thinkers have a symbiotic & special relationship between the left & right brain. they can "see" the theory they're trying to prove. they also are so consumed by the passion of their idea, that they don't care (or notice) the reaction of the people who don't believe. or can't see with their eyes. not that i mean to proclaim myself anywhere in the genius league, but when i get an idea for a piece, it starts like a few bees buzzing around something sweet. as the idea begins to gel, it becomes more insistant - demanding more focus, more refining, till i can see what i want to do. it's not really a mental picture, and i could never sketch it out. it's more of a feeling or experience i want to create. sometimes in fiber, sometimes in rusty metal and wood. but as i move from shelf to shelf, drawer to drawer in my workspace, the pieces for that project sing. they feel right. i often end up with my worktable littered with odd and ends that didn't work well with the piece no matter how much i wanted to use them. it's done when it tells me it's done. when trying to fit one more object in feels forced or too much. being in that zone is exhilirating and exhausting. i have to remind myself to eat and sleep. left to my own devices (and a lottery win) the first thing to end up at my curb would be my clocks. (unless i took them apart to use in a project!) my days and my nights are often opposite of "regular" days and nights. short naps can carry me over through long work sessions. funny though how i get exhausted by noon at my "real" job. the art - it's life itself to me. so i guess i got off on this tangent while i was trying to imagine what it must feel like to "discover" something that has never been discovered before. not just finding an arrowhead on a 6th grade archaeology dig...but a whole new explanation for the world around us. i mean, what made some guy wake up one day and wonder, " hunh - i wonder why we aren't flung off the planet into space?" and then follow up with experiments with apples and figs, i think. why is it that wonder and art and beautiful poetry are thought of as "free time" luxuries, and not valued as par with the guy who thinks up the new color for the Razr phone? an "alternate" lifestyle. what the heck is it an alternative from? and why is it considered alternate? why isn't it just "another?" why do writers and thinkers have to go on Oprah to be able to get credibility? (so to speak). so anyway, these are the things i wonder about today. A list of people I'd like to meet - not necessarily in order: 1) Albert Einstein 2) Joseph Cornell 3) the Dalai Lama 4) Ty Pennington (sorry, call me shallow) 5) Galileo 6) the scientists mapping the human gene structure 7) Steven Tyler (see note on #4) 8) Fred Hillegas ( who inspired me to become a journalist when I was 9 or 10) 9) Walt Disney 10) Ellen DeGeneres (for being brave and funny and just not giving a shit) i'm sure the list will continue, and i'm sure i missed a whole bunch, but i'm hungry so that's all for now.

the "s" word

hard to believe....just when nature was rubbing her eyes and waking up from a looong sleep...bam! more snow! how much more remains to be seen, but if the weather reports are to be believed, then it'll be piled high. oh well...perfec time to get some reading done i suppose. it's almost 1pm and i'm still in my jammies....diva dog got her shot yesterday and was up every 2 hours running for the door to go out. poor baby. thankfully i have today to nap. i've been working on a few crafty type projects while a large mixed media piece rambles and pings off my brain cells. till it settles in long enough to get a glimpse, there's nothing to do but wait. i figured if i kept my hands busy with some form of art, then it would help. nothing like the smell of Golden gel medium in the morning! i'm reading the most hilarious book "Hypocrite in a White Poufy Dress." it's a memoir of sorts. not mine, but someone's. the author tells about being a kid who wants to be Miss America, a ballerina, Batgirl, and to win the Nobel Prize in coloring. her parents are hippies and are okay with all this. very funny. not the usual "man did me wrong" memoir. which got me thinking (in between the pinging and rambling of the art piece - very noisy). why is it that women's time seems to be marked by the man they were with, or what stage of getting over a man they are, or how to live without a man, or whatever man-ness is the flavor of the moment? why can't more women write a memoir telling about their accomplishments and maybe some struggles, but without the man-bashing, man-dependancy, man-whatever whatever whatever....? i guess for the same reason i whine about my husband in this very blog from time to time. are we as women hardwired to be the helpers and keepers? or is it a learned thing? i would think that any girlchild born after the late 70's would have thrown off all the "learned" behaviors, but still it seems like when push-comes-to-shove, it's still women who are cleaning the carpet and doing the laundry. now this is most definately NOT a rant about feminism or women's rights....more of an observation on the people i know, and the things i've noticed in life. maybe i'm right....maybe i should get out more...who knows? but it does seem to me that there is an unequal number of books by women that hinge on their relationship - good or bad - with a man. again...just an observation, not a political statement. so back to my original weather stuff....enjoy the ladybugs here....i miss them! every year they swarm my Lake and i spend hours walking the shore "saving" the little ones that got too close to the waterline. i usually end up with little orange and red speckles crawling all over me! sort of like chicken pox meets St. Vitus dance? L.

anniversaries and calendars

so here it is....next week will be the 1 year anniversary of losing Bear, with the same time marked for Kita coming up close behind. it got me thinking about the past year....time has seemed to move so fast, yet when measured day-by-day has moved ever so slowly. what have i done of significance in the past year? have i become a better person? a different person? have i stretched my boundaries any? which ones? how am i different? these questions roll around and crash against my thoughts like a penny in a tin can. i feel like i've stagnated, yet when i look at the art i've created, i realize that i have grown in that regard. i am more comfortable in what comes from my hands, yet i strive for more. good thing. have i become a better person? no, i don't think so. i find myself becoming more impatient with the day-to-day that i live in. eager to get out on my own, yet afraid of all that entails. the searching, packing, moving, uncertainty. i've done it before and had good results and bad results. being wiser and more self-assured now, i think the odds are tipped more in my favor, but will reality crash into desire and want and dream? will that make things better or more stressful? "better the devil you know than the devil you don't?" as my desire to spread my wings intensifies, my spirit is tired and bruised. i know i must be ready in all regards in order to make things work. but will preparing for the next step further crush me? or, having made the decision, will it strengthen my determination and make me strong enough? i have always been a strong person in some ways - suck it up and do what needs to be done. going in to work today was an example - after being verbally annihilated on the phone just moments after parking my car, my strong desire was to turn the key, head home and crawl under the protection of my sheets. instead, i went in to work - a smile pasted on my face. i wonder if that's strength of character, or weakness? i crave a magic wand. diva dog has been at camp grandma's for the week. i've gotten nothing done that should have been done without 4-paws crashing around. she comes home tomorrow night and i miss her so much. this time away is usually very relaxing and productive for me. but with the house still in an uproar, nothing has come of the time except missing the only heartbeat that kisses and loves no matter what. as i approach 50 this year, i think about what i still need to do - the feeling that life is more than half over ticks away in me constantly. had i planned properly, i'd be retiring in 5 years. 5 years! but i am coming into my own now - as a woman, as a warm loving spirit, as an artist. and i will not let time steal that. and i won't let other people's schedules and agendas steal that. and i won't let myself steal from myself what i was put here to do....make art, love purely and beautifully, appreciate all things good & bad & sweet & wonderful & sad & unjust. for in one, you see the other. sunny skies are only defined by their counterpart the clouds. i have seen both in my 49 1/2 years....i prefer one over the other, that's for sure, but i've also learned that neither will kill me. neither has the power to change me - only affect what i let it affect. My Lake brings tears to my eyes with it's majesty, but it can only change what i allow it to - to soften and soothe the bruises, or tickle a little fear with it's power. so the coming weeks and months and day-to-days will play out the results of the slow, meticulous change of seasons in my soul. scary and exciting. tiring and energizing. sad and exhuberant. counterparts dancing in my lifeplan........L.

update

MARCH 24th?! was that really the last time i posted??? yikes (again)! i guess not much has happened/changed...i'm still in the training phase of my new job, so what's not to love about that? my health has returned. alas - so has the snow! my art is going well, both in the studio, and sales-wise. so it's all very busy and good. please keep checking back...i promise as the breeze beigins to blow warmer, the posts will become more interesting! nothing like a great day on my Lake to stimulate the thoughts! did you check out page 9 of Cloth, Paper, Scissors yet??? come on! L.

catch up

feeling much better, but surprisingly fatigued. i am just about able to make it through the day, and go up to bed around 8...unless Idol is on! then i nap for an hour just to stay awake! worrisome. but anyway, even as i am sleep-walking, the earth is waking up and so are my creative muses. i am trying not to overload myself with "started" projects that may/may not ever get finished. today, i met the most incredible woman. she is well past 50, with beautiful steel grey hair, dancing eyes and a vibrant spirit. my friend & i are both careening toward 50 and having a difficult time of it. 50. more than half your life gone. i worry - have i done enough? what haven't i done that i absolutely need to do/see/taste/feel? am i living the way i thought i'd be at this age? what can i change? so many questions. i thought by now i'd have all the answers! but this woman said after 50 is the best time of your life....you can speak your mind and people listen. you KNOW your mind by now. (i'm LOSING mine,so i'd better not speak too much!). i guess i always pictured myself being this earthmother-y type wearing lots of Bluefish clothes and sandals...sort of a grown up hippie chick. instead, i see my mother in the mirror more and more. those lines around my lips (WHAT upper lip?!?) and the corners of my mouth downturned. hard living, in the emotional sense, has brought those attributes to me. that makes me wonder if my mother has the same regrets and feelings of not-enough-time. what would she have wished for in her life? what are her greatest acheivements and disappointments? what would she change now? they say it ain't over till it's over, but i have a feeling there's a point where you might say "it's too late to swim against the tide." i feel "me" trying to break out of this life-skin i'm in. the struggle is epic at times. to break free means great loss, on one hand, but may bring fulfilling gain. is the result worth the struggle? since the result is unknown, is the risk worth the reward? i think yes, but wonder if i still have the strength and resolve to see it through. a life half-lived is worse than a life lived to others' designs. i think it's better to be blind to your "self," than to know your self, but be untrue to it. and i know my self. so i guess this rambling has produced the answer. time for a good CD with my sewing machine humming along to the the melody and diva dog hiding under my desk. it's funny - Kita preferred classical music. Diva dog likes rock and folk. anything else is just thunder to her ears. speaking of which, there's the first thunder of the year outside! come on Spring! L.

creaky

so this is my gram...i thought of this picture, 'cause i know this is my destiny - to become her. *sigh* Hey! want to feel old, useless, tired, obsolete, dumber than a box of rocks? get a new job! especially one where everyone is 25 and under, with little boy-bodies! who talk about going out partying on a monday, for God's sake, and come in tuesday looking all refreshed after 3 hours sleep. i REMEMBER those days, even if i could never LIVE them now. and how about when your trainer tells you that you remind her of her MOTHER'S best friend? not her sister's. mother's. oy vey. now, i'm not a stupid person, but i have felt very old and certainly brain-decrepid in the past few days. new tricks/old dog. add to this humbling experience: oh yes....PMS for the 2nd time in 2 weeks! whoo hoo! which normally makes me a dimwit anyway. so it's no wonder my trainer is like, totally fried trying to teach me this stuff. and, hello, am i the only one there who hasn't had at least 2 children with my boyfriend? and STILL have a waistline?? so the job has been a much humbling experience this week...and it's only Monday! tues & wed are already showing promise in the unpromising direction. they are looking to hire someone additional, and i can only hope she is very very stupid, so i don't look worse! if i could only stay awake when these little girls are chattering on like squirrels. they talk too fast! :) so it goes slow but sure. i guess part of the reason i feel frustrated today is that i expect waaay too much from myself - as usual. i set the bar high and get upset when i make it as far as can be expected, and no further. of course, having a stressed out trainer is not helping. so i come home, eat dinner, and pass out on the couch - like an old lady! i told my trainer embryo today that the strangest thing about getting old(er) is that you don't THINK of yourself as "old." i'm a misfit! well, that's nothing new....it's just that i'm used to hangin' with folks whose worldview expands past NOVA 105.1 and Armory Square drink specials. people who can remember what they did over the weekend....and with whom. or if not, they are certain that alcohol was not the impairing factor. well, off to toss the big brown bear to diva dog.....could life get better? so to those who can relate, i raise my glass of Ensure.......L.

WOW!

has it been this long since i posted?! yikes! well a lot has happened...and nothing much. all at the same time. go figure! i was supposed to get a week off after giving my notice at my last job, then start my new new job 3/5. i had a week of fantastic artistic endeavors planned for the week and was salivating in anticipation. not so fast....woke up the 1st day of "vacation" feeling like someone was smashing my hands, feet and hips with a hammer. hard. chills, fever, body cramping from the chills, pain....you get the point. ah yes. the flu. like i've never had it before. a nasty nasty bug. by the end of the week - still sick, and of course, add PMS to the mix. and a gross cough. yuk. i called my yet-to-be-started new job and begged for a few more days. they were fine with it. wednesday would be day 1. by tuesday night - no better, so i called and again begged. they were still cool with it, and said i couldn't start till i had an official note from the doc saying i was cleared for takeoff....they were afraid i'd push myself and come in before i should! Now what kind of humanity is THAT? so i started today. i really like it. yes, i know, i always say that the first day! but there is an attitude there of kindness - something sorely lacking in the corporate world today. with so many unemployed, the conventional wisdom says to work 'em to death then kick 'em to the curb. but this is a truly caring operation. a friend of mine has worked there for a while now, and she told me about the opening. good pay. good benefits. no bullshit. what more can you ask for? AND - i have my very own cubicle! i giggled when i saw that. right by the windows, too. by 5pm i was teary-eyed with exhaustion, though - only 4 hours sleep. between the time change, and my husband deciding that late night TV with loud, crunchy snacks was the thing to do, i barely dozed off before my alarm screamed at me to get up. early to bed tonight....and i'm locking the bedroom door! diva dog is having a confusing day - mom was up early and then gone FOREVER. she actually got so worried, she threw up. since the weather was giving us a break, we went to the park when i got home. so, i guess it's a pretty mundane life in those respects, but a little normalcy in the schedule isn't necessarily a bad way to go from time to time. in order to "lure" me there, the company threw in an extra week vacation! so this summer i get 1 week, then after next January, i get 2 weeks! whoo hoo! i can use some of those days to beat back the winter blahs one day at a time, and still have a week in the summer or fall to go somewhere. my wanderlust is still full force. i feel a need to travel somewhere that will take my breath away. somewhere to hold in my heart and mind and soul. a fellow salesrep friend of my husband's just got laid off (too old and made too much money) and decided that enough was enough. he's going to raise koi. that's it. just koi. how great is that?? i miss the fall, and the long walks with diva dog. we logged some good miles last year! mostly walking off the hurt and sadness, but bonding, and re-inventing ourselves....her as the only dog, and me as ....well, who knows. i think once i establish a routine here, and get some non-dependant cash flow going, then i'll figure out the who/where/what/why of myself. the distractions of trying to tread wet cement will be gone. it's been so much harder trying not to get hurt lately. there is a definate, subtle shift in the relationship. before, at least we tried. now, i don't feel that coming my way - just anger and intentional hurtings. it's lonely and hard, but strangely a relief almost. the battle to keep up a good front was tiring. now, we're like 2 drops of oil in a glass of water - each self-contained, occaisionally bumping into each other, then moving away....never merging, never becoming one. still in the same glass of water, though. so i concentrate on the new job, and becoming employee-of-the-month so i can rise through the ranks and make the big money. can you imagine? so the thaw that has melted the ice on my roof and sidewalk has also come to my heart and mind....i am seeing possibilities like the snowdrops near my Japanese Maple. peeking out. taking a chance. still unsure if tomorrow will bring a winter storm, or a few hours warming in the sunshine. but they still peek out. L.

long time!

sorry it's been sooo long since my last post - i have been flat out on my back with that nasty nasty flu for over a week. am still not 100% but definately much better than a week ago when i was sure i was going to die. and would've welcomed it! i was to start my new job today, but they have been absolutely wonderful in letting me delay my start date till i'm better. after listening to me cough on the phone, i'm sure they wanted me as far away from them as possible! so i've caught up on my reading, anyway! i am enjoying a book right now called "Living Artfully." it's a recipe for having an artful life - even if you aren't an artist. very enlightening. it's about doing special things, or ordinary things in a special way, to bring joy to those around you - and yourself! as i scrolled back through my posts, i realized how bitter and depressing they've started to sound. yes, my circumstance has been a stew pot for all that, but when i think back through the mileposts in my life, i realized that i've always looked on the lighter side of things and not allowed my surroundings to dictate my moods. so i've had to do some thinking about what's different now - why am i being the ripple the stone makes when it splashes into the water, instead of the stone? why am i letting outside surroundings and attitudes affect my inner self, instead of being the one who affects the surroundings? we all know people that make us feel wonderful - just by being with them. you can't help but laugh or smile just by their playfulness, or way of looking at a situation....or just their joy and wonder at life. i worked with a girl like that recently. you ask her how she was, and her answer 100% of the time was, "I'm PERFECT!" now, you'd find out later that her husband had accidentally run over her dog (true story), and wonder how in the world she could be perfect after that. but she is eternal sunshine. the mistakes she made on the job made for a difficult go for the rest of us, but there's no one i'd rather work with! her attitude was infectious. just try to be gloom-and-doom around THAT! i remember being that way, and want it back. not faking it ....i want the real deal. i think i've gotten so caught up in taking myself sooo very seriously as an artist, that the fun and joy of experimenting and creating has gotten sucked out of the process. add swinging hormones and marital issues, and i guess i can see where it was easier to see the weeds instead of the flowers. while i was writing this, my neighbor called and told me about a DVD she just watched called The Secret. it was on Oprah. she used words like "life-changing" and "unbelievable." she's been in a slump also, and said this DVD changed her outlook in 1 night. that's asking an awful lot! i believe i'll check this one out....not one for self-help books, etc, this sounds different. **** i just paused for a while to get my sorry butt up & showered and dressed. my little diva dog has been sitting by my side for a full week, and has cabin fever. we went out back to romp a little before the cold & blowy stuff hits. she was ecstatic! how she can find a stick buried under all that snow is beyond me! it feels good to get up and out a bit. after a week of bedrest, how much more boring can it get?? i used to wish for a few days of complete relaxation & time alone....it will be a while before i utter those wishes again! i want to keep busy so i don't dwell on feeling sick, but don't want to overdo it either. maybe a quick trip to the bookstore. or at least scrape off my car. i put new birdseed out in the feeders, and the jays are going nuts! they are so huge, but so cautious - if they look in the window and see us, they fly away immediately! the little birds tend to be more curious and sit there staring back, cocking their heads to get a better look. well, 1st things 1st - lunch. L.

is anyone still reading this?

sooo sorry for the gap! i have been flat out on my back with the flu that turned into mild pneumonia. so much for my week off between jobs! i woke up saturday morning and headed straight for the studio, then BAM! it hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks. my fear was the return of Gilliam Barre Syndrome, due to the intense joint aches. but it was "just" the flu. my heartfelt and sincere apologies to any and all that i know who've been sick, and perhaps found me less compassionate than i should have been. i think i'm a pretty thoughtful person, but it's hard to imagine someone else's pain. until it hits you. i'm still pretty icky right now, so just a quickie to let you know i'm alive - even though i felt like death for the past week. oh! my day brightened up with the mail - Cloth Paper Scissors! page 9...all of page 9! it's very weird seeing your work in a magazine. kinda cool too. back to sleep now - sweet dreams for sure. L.

ssssnnnnoooowwww!

for you westies (west coasters) - THIS is what you're missing. snow, snow and plenty of it! we had to shovel a little tunnel path for diva dog in order for her to get out to potty. i wish she was still paper trained! the snowbanks are high enough for her to just step over the fence if she figures that out. of course, i worry. i started a project yesterday! then re-started it today. today's version is much better. i have too many ideas all fighting for prime positioning in my creative lobe, so i end up with a Frankenstein project - a little from this idea, a little from that one. so anyway, was i the only one who actually continued eating the salmonella -infested peanut butter? oy! who knew they really MEANT it when they recalled it? so, on to dinner now. stay warm and wear bright colors so the plows can see ya coming! L.

by the way

i got the new job!

unseen

i often wonder why depression doesn't come with an outward sign...broken legs and arms have a cast to show for them....surgeries have an impressive scar. but depression...nothing. there are outward signs, i suppose - the tiredness like you're trying to run a marathon through knee deep cement, ever hardening along the way. the i-don't-caredness of the hairstyle. the whole enthusiasm thing is just wrung out like a damp cloth after the kitchen is cleaned. and yet because there is no scar, no cast, no bending of a bone, depression is often waved away by those around. with a flick of the hand and a disdainful look, the depressed person is told they should have nothing to be sad about. or to cheer up. or simply categorized as high maintenance and mentally dismissed. depression isn't about being sad. it's about being the walking dead. the world becomes shades of grey. the best you can muster is to sleep the day away and hope for a better one the next turn of the sky. those around become frustrated that they can't cheer you up. or feel that you are depressed because you're with them. or. or. or. it's not that simple. yes, an event can jump start a bad slide like dynamite in the Alps. but sometimes, a quiet grey creeping cloud comes by and stays. there's a song by the Dixie Chicks about heartache that can relate to depression too...Hello, Mr. Heartache/I've been expecting you/Come in and wear your welcome out/Like you always do/you never say if you're here to stay/or only passing through/hello Mr. Heartache/I've been expecting you. see, no matter how far from that cloud you get, there's always a little piece of you looking behind, looking left and right, waiting. makes it hard to fully enjoy enjoyment. kind of like being cancer-free for 2 months, then 3, then 6. you hope, you wish, you wait. no, i'm not depressed right now, but i have a friend who's deep into the muck of it. she feels bad about calling me with nothing to say - just to reach out and hear a voice that doesn't judge her for being depressed - just is happy she is who she is, and knows there will be good times and great times to come. and then some more very bad ones. she isn't suicidal. just very depressed. for no reason she can figure. and my greatest gift to her is to just know she's in there under the fog and will reappear soon. we watch tv together over the phone. my depression comes and goes, intermingled with stress. i almost welcome the stress - it's good to feel SOMETHING during those times. those times when you have to send the dog to your mom's because even the effort of something loving you is too much to bear. this past summer was a trial...losing 2 dogs and my job was grief mixed with sadness mixed with stress while i was depressed anyway. now there's a losing lottery ticket if i ever held one! i've learned to listen to my body and my mind...to not push myself past what i can endure. to give myself credit for the life i've lived so far, knowing there are hard times and fabulous times still to come. to give myself permission to spend a day in bed if that's all i'm able to muster. i've had a few friends fall away throughout the years because they didn't understand. but for the most part, my good friends have stayed true and strong beside me....even when i didn't answer their phone calls or emails. most people don't even know...i work because i have to, and generally put on a good party face. a very close friend of mine said she could always tell that the more depressed i was, the funnier and happier i appeared to be. partly true, i think. these days, i tend to be less of a pleaser, and will get quieter and more reflective. if you see me in wegman's in my pj's, it's a good bet i'm not having a great day! anyway ramble ramble. i started thinking about this whole thing, because i know a girl who is very pretty - in an Audrey Hepburn way. she's a gifted artist, and a very talented graphic artist. she **gasp** has a flaw, though, that she feels defines her and overshadows anything else good about her. she sees this as A FLAW. anyone who knows about it (and fewer know about it than she thinks) could really care less. it's not even a flaw - i say that from her perspective. it's something about her that is different from me. or maybe you. there is no website that shows what a perfect person should be, and then we all compare thisis and thats. there are only people - and each, thankfully is different. two of me would be at least 1 too many. and if everyone were striving to become the same person, boooooring. so to accept ourselves as we are, is to be at peace with ourselves, and to then be able to reach a hand to the next one. it also then frees you to get on with your life's work, whatever that may be. so you drive a VW and not a Lexxus....just DRIVE for goodness sake. get on with it. i may always suffer from depression from time to time, but that doesn't mean i need to sit on the curb waiting for it. sometimes there is a reason in the cosmos for a person to have a particular "flaw." if i didn't have depression in my life, i'd be a far less compassionate person. of that i'm sure. so although it doesn't make the ride through it any easier, i at least can point to one positive aspect of it. just before i pull the covers over my head. once i came to realize that "i yam what i yam" it was such a revelation. such freedom to just go and be! it all comes back to Popeye. and the time i used to spend trying to attain some goal of perfection, or at least "other than this-ness" was better spent making art. or learning to cook. or just sinking into the covers and waiting out the storm - no guilt. no faking happiness. just being the best me i could be at the moment. i had intended to save this in my draft folder till tomorrow...not exactly a valentines day post. but i started thinking about love, and loving yourself, and loving each other and it just seemed okay to hit the post button. to my friends - i love you for your endurance! L.

lazy day

so i was bad today....i called in sick and laid in bed with diva dog all day. normally i would have felt guilty about that, but coming on the heels of giving my notice yesterday, it felt especially wicked. i really didn't feel great, and between all the hoo-ha lately, and the relief i was feeling, it spelled r-e-s-t. my body and mind craved it like chocolate, so i gave in. it was delicious - the rest. i slept until dinnertime and decided to write a bit. i have my mannequin set up in my studio staring blankly at me, taunting. well, staring as good as a headless mannequin can. more of a dress form really. i have too many ideas for her, that's the problem. i think that's where my create blocks come in - too many ideas vs none. i have notebooks filled with ideas that i could borrow from when i feel stunted creatively, but i think i get nervous that i'll mess it up. there's only 1 mannequin. it isn't like buying pockets full of beads or rusty nails....there's just 1 chance. but then again, maybe that will spur me on to greatness with her. oy vey, who knows. diva dog has cabin fever with all the cold cold weather we've had - it's too cold for her little paws to stay out more than a few minutes, but she wants to run and play. hurry spring! here's something to ponder as you wait: be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart...and try to love the questions themselves...do not noe seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them...and the point is to live everything...live the questions now...perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answers." that's by Rainer Marie Rilke. i guess sometimes i spend so much time trying to find the answers, the RIGHT answers, that the point of living the question becomes moot. why have an answer to something that no longer matters? won't the answers come by just living? or is that too passive-aggressive? do nothing and let it roll. maybe by spending too much time inward seeking, the "outward" changes enough that you have an obsolete question you're ruminating on. i guess this year i will try to live with gusto, make the best choices i can, and know that there are 2 roads - and the ending is the same. just a different ride. gusto...i remember gusto. hunh. time to get back in bed with a cold washcloth on my head. migraines. hate em. L

by the sea

attention blogskateers! i just wolfed down The Best Book I've ever read in my natural life..."A Year By The Sea...Thoughts of an Unfinished Woman" by Joan Anderson. Fabulous Fabulous. spent the day in bed saturday and read most of it - finished it this morning. she says everything i have been feeling - without the whining that i am apt to do. it's a narrative nonfiction, and if you are approaching 50 from either end (or plan to some day) this is a must read. the book moved me so much - it prodded me to take control of the reins and drive my own happiness cart. yes, it may be unrealistic for me to just pop out to the Cape and live for a time, while i get my inner centeredness centered.....but, maybe not. maybe not the Cape. maybe my beloved Lake. or next door to my mother. or the adirondacks. or...who knows! there's always sedona & Burning Man! (google it . mmmm, not for me, thanks. not that there's anything wrong with it. i'm just sayin'). so between this life-altering book, and the fact that i FINALLY found a dressmakers mannequin (!!!!!!!) i am recharged with artistic visions! i have 3 in the pot now and could follow this theme for a bit. but i have a way of overextending and the creative juices stop long before the expensive materials run out, so i'll start with one, please, and be grateful for it. here's a hint: it's HUGE. that's all i have to say about that. so tomorrow is my 2nd interview at the insurance place. the scales have tipped in favor of that job for me. the only negative i can come up with is working untill 6pm, rather than 5pm at the other place IF they ever change my job duties. so, we'll see what becomes of me. i hope to have good news by the middle of next week. so get to Barnes & Noble or Borders, or wherever, and get this book....it is so totally wonderful - even if your life is perfect like my friend Gail's. i have life-envy ....wonderfully creative, lab-created husband, she can cook (!), lively, pretty, self-assured, her house is an amazing tribute to "welcome home." Martha Stewart refuses to come to this area because of Gail. it's semi-true. well, i'm not sure if it's true, but you haven't seen MS in the area, now have ya? so it could be true. anyway, stop reading this run-on sentence and go buy the book. maybe we could all go to a By The Sea workshop - even Gail. she could be the "after" picture. (i say all this in absolute love and thankful-that-i-know-you-ness). so strange - i met Gail in one of those meant-to-be ways ...i stepped out of a self-imposed torpor and actually went to a quilt-till-you-wilt type of thing...a friday night hen party at a quilt shop. didn't know anyone, which you know is dicey at best for me. but somehow Gail & i stuck like 2 hydrogen atoms in oxygen. we have the same wedding rings, we have wedding anniversaries that are 1 day apart, we even dated the same guy at one time (although i'm not checking dates too carefully in case it was at the same time). she has put up with my mood swings and cloistering. she is exhuberant, no matter how it's spelled. so anyway, i tell you all this so you know that i do admire her, and when i tease about her life being perfect, it is just that - teasing. there is a deep respect for her hard-earned place in her own heart and her sense of being, and the wonderful way she makes those around her feel. so - a Godiva chocolate to you, Gail, and to the rest of you....have you bought the book yet???? L.

earth wind and fire

ahh, so after reading the title, you were settling in with a nice mocha latte expecting enlightenment - much like this blog's early days. before. well, first, let me introduce you to my friend Nadine...actually, she does a better job of it herself, so check her out at http://www.fiberinspired.com/ . if that doesn't get the muse humming! now, back to my enlightened title. remember the band? the song that goes "roller coaster/SAY WHAT/roller coaster/ooo hooo...etc/ ? well welcome to the midway, my friends! this has been an up and down couple of weeks, let me tell you. as if peri-menopause and PMS aren't enough, throw into the mixing bowl a running attempt at quitting smoking, a husband hell-bent on driving my blood pressure to the moon, and My Job. nuff said about the Job. then out of the blue, a girl i used to work with in Hell appears behind me in line at Wegmans. she tells me about her new job (new in the past year). same job, but different company. Brilliant! Wonderful! effusive adjectives fall from her lips in a confetti of hope for my derailed life. huge salary to start! unlimited opportunity! company doubling in size in the next year! i email my resume that night, and get a call 1st thing tuesday morning. interview on thursday, get called thurs night for 2nd interview on friday. the fri interview gets cancelled due to snow, and is rescheduled for mon. do i dare hope/dream that this will work out? the money isn't outrageous to start, but about $4/hour than i make now WITH hope for normal raises. there are plusses & minuses in each direction, depending on how badly i want to move at the moment i'm doing the tally. by 10am this morning, i'm totally fence sitting. THEN, the hand of God sends me into the Thrift shop across from my Job to buy a baby sized fleece jacket for diva dog (cut off the sleeves and she's warm and oh-so-Little Mermaid fashionable). as i head to the checkout...***GASP***! can it BE? yes! it is!! one - just ONE - of my stolen and discarded coffee mugs from the great coffee mug debacle! my mug on a dirty shelf with all these sad odds and ends and fondue sets and baby dolls with no heads and scrabble games with no z's. tired and sad shoppers wading through lime green platform shoes and breast-less Barbies and chipped china...i imagine them fondling my mugs. my Cafe Du Monde coffee mug! what!? only 25-cents???! it is once again mine. it now sits proudly in its righful place in my cupboard, still bearing it's price tag. the checkout clerk said some guy came in with a bunch of them. i told her i knew - they were mine. she promised to search for "more of them mugs with the writin on em." i trust her. she's the type of woman who's been wronged more than righted. i offered her a commission as well. it made me sad for the rest of my mugs, just when i thought i'd denied all that. anyway, that re-enflamed my resolve to revolt and reinvent and re-address myself. if men were mindreaders, they'd be afraid to come down from the treetop. the equation tipped further when i arrived home to find husband celebrating some holiday unknown to anyone but himself, having just driven up north to view the frozen wasteland of snow for himself (he could have just put up one of his three sheets to the wind rather than waste the gas) with my diva dog in the car. i refuse to comment further on this or my head will physically explode like a watermelon at a Gallagher show. so anyway, the office job looks very goos right now...i can't wait to get through all these Hallmark holidays (valentine's day). too much pressure. i mean, NOT buying a card/present after 5 years of marriage would make a huge statement. and the time is not right for that. but then, what do you buy?? and why?? so my friends, you can see the roller coaster ride that's been going on. by the way, unbeknownst to me, we have changed our internet provider. it's effective next monday. this will necessitate that i get a new email address, so i'll let you know as soon as i do. i've printed all of yours out, but if you email me over the weekend, or early next week and it bounces back, i'm not being rude. we will be keeping both for a week or so, but i don't know how that works. i suspect, not well. but who am i? oh shoot - back to that question! roller coaster...say what? L.

april

whoever said "happiness is a warm puppy" was spot on...charlie brown maybe? ahhh. the cartoon characters of MY era had some substance! no pearls from power rangers, that's for sure. i got up early today, hoping to sketch out some ideas for a project that's been bubbling through my subconcious, but diva dog had other ideas. she needed hugs and pets and reassurance that she was, indeed, loved and adorable. she has a trick - she climbs you till you pick her up. then when you try to put her back on the floor, she twists around and lays on her back in your hands so she's being cradled. no floor for her. just a pink belly rub. it's been freezing frosty cold here, and she is disinclined to go out to potty. i may have to get her a litter box - she thinks she's a cat anyway. so during my shower/meditation time every morning, the month of April keeps coming up. not sure why yet, but there seems to be some great importance to that month (other than the tax man!). i even started planning my surprise 50th birthday party for April, but that doesn't seem to fit. (my birthday is actually in december, but i figured if i was planning my own surprise party, the only thing i could surprise myself with would be the date...i'll never suspect it in April)! so april, hmmm. the other strong thing that comes to me: a house of my own. i've had fantasy houses, but this one is more realistic. more studio than living space! there are houses on either side of my mother's house that seem to be vying for my attention. either would be good prospects, in that 1 small piece of fence could link our back yards and keep out the bad dogs. nikki would have all the room a dog could imagine this side of the rainbow bridge, and have gramma and grampa at her beck and call. heavenly. both houses are small-to-medium sized, which would be very manageable with 2 full time jobs (art & whatever). so i'll keep concentrating and see what gets flung my way! in the meantime, i'll be the cleanest person around! something about that shower! speaking of which.............L

whirlin dervish

my husband just returned from a business seminar in NC. as we ate dinner that night, he was telling me about the hands-on demos they had with centrifuges. in case you aren't a beaker-head, a centrifuge is a round piece of machinery with an inner core that whips test tubes around at g-forces that'll make your head spin - so to speak. kind of like that ride at that state fair that you stand in and as it spins, the floor drops out, but you're plastered against the wall so you don't fall through space. if all goes as planned. anyway, this got me thinking about how the purpose of centrifuge-ing a solution is to seperate it into it's various parts. at the demo, they used milk with chocolate syrup in it. before the whirl, it was chocolate milk. after a few spins, it had seperated into milk fat, some sort of frothy layer, and a clump of pure chocolate at the very end of the test tube. (of course hubby had to dip his finger in and eat it, grossing out the other participants who are used to bacteria and dna type things being in these test tubes). my point is this: the past year has had me whipped and whirled and dazed - much like the centrifugal process. what's now left is the various striations, or layers, of me. what's left to do is pipette off the layers that i no longer need, so just the purified layers will be left. it's time for me to be very picky about what to leave and what to scrape off. (having received my aarp card last week - bastards - i still have time!). this whole card-carrying AARP thing has me thinking about the whole time/who am i theme even more. when i visualize myself in the life i would be living, it is so attainable. i don't want much...a nice little house with a porch, and yard for diva dog to run in. a huge, bright room for art. 2 bedrooms would do. maybe a cellar, but not essential. and the paint - ooohhh! how i would decorate shamelessly! the walls would put any shotgun-wedding cake to shame! cozy, scruffly rugs on the floor. "sticky" couches - the kind you sit in and stick there...they enfold you. maybe a fireplace, but given my luck with them, maybe not. and fiestaware in the kitchen! in fact, the whole house would be a fiestaware tribute. the bathroom would be calm though - colors of my Lake Ontario - sandy tans, seafoam green (now called sage, i believe) and a hint here and there of dark green, blue and a small dash of orange. not sure how the orange fits in, but i want it. my spirit is longing for this house in a way that tells me it will be mine soon. i've never seen this house, and have no idea if it even exists, but i just "know" that it will be mine. Bruce Cockburn, Tunstall, Norah Jones, Rikki Lee, all cued up on the CD player. rusty metal piled up waiting to take shape. friends filling the house with laughter, love, creativity. i long for this time to happen. in the meantime, i'm planning a surprise 50th birthday party for myself. i LOVE having a birthday party! hubby hasn't taken my (blunt blatant) hints for 5 years, so i figured i'm not leaving this one up to chance. in fact, i'm so excitied, that i'm planning it for April, even though my birthday isn't untill December! (that way it'll be a real surprise!). and i'm hoping to treat myself to a week at Artfiber Fest this year. i've been waiting years, and don't think i need to wait any longer. i don't even care if i take a single class! just to be in the company of all those creative people. i am finally not feeling like an imposter. i am finally knowing that i am an artist. i may not do this technique or that one. i may not feel like teaching, or writing a book about my art. that does not make me less of an artist. duh! so, strap on your party tiaras, and watch the floor fall - we're takin things to a new place, my friends! L.