unseen

i often wonder why depression doesn't come with an outward sign...broken legs and arms have a cast to show for them....surgeries have an impressive scar. but depression...nothing. there are outward signs, i suppose - the tiredness like you're trying to run a marathon through knee deep cement, ever hardening along the way. the i-don't-caredness of the hairstyle. the whole enthusiasm thing is just wrung out like a damp cloth after the kitchen is cleaned. and yet because there is no scar, no cast, no bending of a bone, depression is often waved away by those around. with a flick of the hand and a disdainful look, the depressed person is told they should have nothing to be sad about. or to cheer up. or simply categorized as high maintenance and mentally dismissed. depression isn't about being sad. it's about being the walking dead. the world becomes shades of grey. the best you can muster is to sleep the day away and hope for a better one the next turn of the sky. those around become frustrated that they can't cheer you up. or feel that you are depressed because you're with them. or. or. or. it's not that simple. yes, an event can jump start a bad slide like dynamite in the Alps. but sometimes, a quiet grey creeping cloud comes by and stays. there's a song by the Dixie Chicks about heartache that can relate to depression too...Hello, Mr. Heartache/I've been expecting you/Come in and wear your welcome out/Like you always do/you never say if you're here to stay/or only passing through/hello Mr. Heartache/I've been expecting you. see, no matter how far from that cloud you get, there's always a little piece of you looking behind, looking left and right, waiting. makes it hard to fully enjoy enjoyment. kind of like being cancer-free for 2 months, then 3, then 6. you hope, you wish, you wait. no, i'm not depressed right now, but i have a friend who's deep into the muck of it. she feels bad about calling me with nothing to say - just to reach out and hear a voice that doesn't judge her for being depressed - just is happy she is who she is, and knows there will be good times and great times to come. and then some more very bad ones. she isn't suicidal. just very depressed. for no reason she can figure. and my greatest gift to her is to just know she's in there under the fog and will reappear soon. we watch tv together over the phone. my depression comes and goes, intermingled with stress. i almost welcome the stress - it's good to feel SOMETHING during those times. those times when you have to send the dog to your mom's because even the effort of something loving you is too much to bear. this past summer was a trial...losing 2 dogs and my job was grief mixed with sadness mixed with stress while i was depressed anyway. now there's a losing lottery ticket if i ever held one! i've learned to listen to my body and my mind...to not push myself past what i can endure. to give myself credit for the life i've lived so far, knowing there are hard times and fabulous times still to come. to give myself permission to spend a day in bed if that's all i'm able to muster. i've had a few friends fall away throughout the years because they didn't understand. but for the most part, my good friends have stayed true and strong beside me....even when i didn't answer their phone calls or emails. most people don't even know...i work because i have to, and generally put on a good party face. a very close friend of mine said she could always tell that the more depressed i was, the funnier and happier i appeared to be. partly true, i think. these days, i tend to be less of a pleaser, and will get quieter and more reflective. if you see me in wegman's in my pj's, it's a good bet i'm not having a great day! anyway ramble ramble. i started thinking about this whole thing, because i know a girl who is very pretty - in an Audrey Hepburn way. she's a gifted artist, and a very talented graphic artist. she **gasp** has a flaw, though, that she feels defines her and overshadows anything else good about her. she sees this as A FLAW. anyone who knows about it (and fewer know about it than she thinks) could really care less. it's not even a flaw - i say that from her perspective. it's something about her that is different from me. or maybe you. there is no website that shows what a perfect person should be, and then we all compare thisis and thats. there are only people - and each, thankfully is different. two of me would be at least 1 too many. and if everyone were striving to become the same person, boooooring. so to accept ourselves as we are, is to be at peace with ourselves, and to then be able to reach a hand to the next one. it also then frees you to get on with your life's work, whatever that may be. so you drive a VW and not a Lexxus....just DRIVE for goodness sake. get on with it. i may always suffer from depression from time to time, but that doesn't mean i need to sit on the curb waiting for it. sometimes there is a reason in the cosmos for a person to have a particular "flaw." if i didn't have depression in my life, i'd be a far less compassionate person. of that i'm sure. so although it doesn't make the ride through it any easier, i at least can point to one positive aspect of it. just before i pull the covers over my head. once i came to realize that "i yam what i yam" it was such a revelation. such freedom to just go and be! it all comes back to Popeye. and the time i used to spend trying to attain some goal of perfection, or at least "other than this-ness" was better spent making art. or learning to cook. or just sinking into the covers and waiting out the storm - no guilt. no faking happiness. just being the best me i could be at the moment. i had intended to save this in my draft folder till tomorrow...not exactly a valentines day post. but i started thinking about love, and loving yourself, and loving each other and it just seemed okay to hit the post button. to my friends - i love you for your endurance! L.