a Tiny description

a full time artist, stepmother, radio personality, and mom to an energetic Chug dog, tries to get through the days without committing a felonious act. My life is a rickety Zen circus.


Wednesday, September 17, 2014

random thoughts and Tiny Steps

Todays Tiny Step involves purging, again…a stack of summer clothes that hid away from me is now in the staging area to go to the Thrifty…soon to be joined by winter clothes and coats that no longer zip over larger parts or are hopelessly Not Me.  tomorrow is another planned purge day.  along with the closet purge came an epiphany.  There are still some things I hold in my head and around my heart that should no longer have a place there.  not bad or destructive feelings, but just a sort of Law Of Returning Averages…they no longer return what is given out, and what is given out should not be - it's time has past, and it's time to relinquish the people and the places to the Fond Memories pile.  not to say that future memories shiny and new won't be made, but it's sort of like an older woman trying to dress in her clothes from her glory years.  (again, the clothing connection).  time to move on.  and as this reality struck, i felt something grow larger within me…the ties that i had been trying to maintain, had held me in that place…had kept that small part of me from growing past that spot.  it had an immense importance in my life…I cannot ever describe the earthshaking bookmark in my life.  but it is time to move on, move past, move forward.  keeping the lessons and the growth, but letting the teachers go.  and with the exception of a few Truest Ones, that is exactly where I'm at.
Funny how these are supposed to be Tiny Steps, but they seem to be large?
Last night, in that wishy washy time between wakefulness and dreamfulness, i thought of Nikki.  and I felt her in the room…with my eyes closed and in the darkness, i felt her.  i think i mentioned the dream i had last year - about her giving Henry to me, so i wouldn't feel guilty about sharing my heart with another 4-legged?  well, i've been worried about Henry not eating his food…he eats everything else - grass, sticks, poop - but not his food.  i didn't want to give him wet food because it caused such a dental nightmare for Nikki and for Kita.  so in this nebulous state of neither-here-nor-there, i realized it didn't have to be one way or the other.  today, i mixed a teaspoon of wet food in with the dry and Hen gobbled it up.  i know, sounds so obvious.  but it took my little NikkiNoodle to open my eyes while they were shut.
And so comes Tiny Step #2…a lesson: watch for the obvious - it isn't always a puzzle to be solved…sometimes the answer is obvious.  (head smack!)  And sometimes life isn't about a choice between this or that…sometimes it's a blending of the two ideas.  Like a Tiny House - a house but smaller.  and some other personal stuff that is whispering transparently in my ear but hasn't formed into a solid thought yet.
So it appears that the Tiny Step Initiative is about physical steps and plans and movement, as well as growth and learning to prepare.  i'm diggin this scary, wonderful, grateful, humdinger of a life.  and i have to tell you a secret:  it isn't all sparkle farts and roses, but i've shifted my view to accept everything as a blessing…and knowing that sometimes the blessing will take a while to reveal itself.

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