you may notice that my last entry was tuesday. and there's a good reason for that. i was in no way prepared for what was expected of me at work with 2-3 people out on vacation/sick. nothing could have prepared me. and had i known, i would probably have curled up in a corner and wimpered that I Couldn't Do It. And at the end of the day wednesday, as I was stinking of flop sweat and tearful and near vomiting, and hating the new guy for his smugness thinking he would never freak out like i was freaking out (but he would've), I realized that I had, indeed, done it…it was ugly and not nearly my best work (an understatement), but for the most part - i did it. My job is not brain surgery to start with, but has demands that certain time marks be met, that i sound cheerful and competent and reliable and knowledgable, and that i do this every 60-seconds for 8 hours. That's it. I'm not fighting insurgents…I'm not holding a beating heart in my hand preparing for transfer to another body cavity. i merely work in radio. and there's no crying in radio. but. my ass was kicked with a soundness that it hasn't been kicked with in quite some time. i don't remember the ride home, nor do i remember falling into bed with Henry tucked tightly against me. I do remember feeling a chill down my spine knowing i had to do it again the next day. and the day after that. when i woke up - an hour earlier than i needed to - it was a conscious decision to greet the day in gratitude and take the attitude that I had another chance to prove to myself that I could do this - I would rock the schedule handed me, and I would be GOOD not just adequate.
And I Did.
And then on friday when the only other employee on duty (out of 5) told me he was sick and going home early and i had to take his scheduled reports as well as the other 2-3 people's, and by the way use an unfamiliar studio which is completely & TOTALLY different from what i have ever used, and oh by the way have 15 minutes to learn it and prepare a report & deliver it…yeah, at that time…i said "okay" and i calmed myself like a trainer calms a wild horse and just. did. it. I did. and through the haze of mildew in the room so thick you could see it…i smiled. (didn't breathe in, but smiled). And now, knowing that I can do this, i am grateful for the opportunity that was given me to crash and get up and power through and reorganize and see what works and what is hindering me and change/remove that hinderance and know that i can i can i can do this thing - this life thing - this changeable and sometimes ugly thing called life - this life that is changing in dramatic ways that need not be drama-filled - i can. i can. i can.
And that was a big Tiny step that took a few days to learn. and i realized i still have mad ninja organizational skills. and i get to do it all over again next tuesday.
I meet you back here later. Be Fierce,