BIG: I wish I had a magic wand or magic cure for all the women I know going through chemo right now. I know this is about you, not me, but i want to tell you that i ache with compassion and sadness for you…that i want desperately and dearly to be able to wrap you up in a silken pashima and fly you to a paradise of your choosing. i want to tell you that it is my flaw to say the wrong thing, so i often say nothing, for fear that you will think i'm not scared inside for you, and when i do say I'm scared inside for you, i often feel like you'll think i'm just seeing your cancer, and not you. i see you. i hear you - things spoken and unspoken. i know how, in the grand scheme of things, losing your hair should be on the bottom of your list of worries, but it's on the top of your list of insults from cancer…it's a visible way that marks you as part of a tribe of people you want nothing to do with. and all you'd want is to have a milkshake not laced with something glowing that will travel your body's insides telling tales. i want to say that i hope to never be able to say "now I know what you went through," but hope you know i care as deeply as i possibly can and cherish your voice on the phone and your emails, and hope i'm a lifeline away from antiseptic smells and needles and all manner of bodily invasiveness. i hope you live through this, each of you, and i hope i can hug you, each of you, soon. until then, i am available for you 24/7…if you can't sleep, don't want to get out of bed in the morning, want someone to watch a movie with (in person or over the phone - we can do 3-2-1 start the movie! and both watch it at the same time). I hope my stories distract you, and you see them as my offering to you and not as a self-absorbed conversation. and i hope you'll never whitewash or bullshit me when i ask How Are You? because i really mean it….i want to know all the good, the bad, the gritty and ugly that maybe you don't have anyone else to share it with…that maybe those closest closest to you only want to hear you're doing a-ok. that's valid too, in it's own psychological way.
tiny: my tiny step today is to take stock of everything i own and decide what i need to live with in order to Live, and what can go. i heard someone say Why do people keep books after they've read them?? and i guess that's a good question, given that everything is available always - be it on ebay or etsy or still in bookstores or electronically. for years i've scoffed at the notion of a Nook. now i realize how much space i would save without all my shelves of books. most are written by friends - art technique - and though i love the folks dearly, if need be, i will pass them on for someone else to enjoy. They are special in who they represent, and not so much in the actual instruction, as i know most of the techniques anyway. so a Nook may be in my future. not a small tiny step, but a good one to take through the weekend…an entire mindshift. but i'll still keep my magazine addiction! the feel of the pages of Flow magazine are too yummy. it's about living well... but smaller, not about punishment.