i don't know...do i post something that isn't blissed out and wonderful, but honest and from my depths, and maybe help someone else? or do i just wait...until this passes? however long that may be. well, i'll tell you my heart, and if you are only in the mood for something sparkly and wonderful, come back in a day or so rather than read on. i may have mentioned the excruciating time i am having with sudden smoking cravings. out of the clear blue. after 6 months. i had high hopes for today, as far as artwork goes. i followed my plan - up at 6am...coffee...dog care, cat care...meditation for about an hour. during that time i worked out a design for a sculpture that i need to make. all's good. i hit the worktable and began. within the hour, i was sobbing and snotty and throwing materials and F-bombs like a spoiled child. my body was in full crave-mode. i fought it for 4 hours, sitting in my closet, sobbing as quietly as i could into a towel so i didn't wake anyone up. this is not me. this is not me. it came down to a choice - sleep away another day just so i couldn't smoke, or just smoke. i threw on my boots and coat, grabbed my keys, blew my nose and went through the Travel Advisory weather to the stop-and-rob down the street where the clerk, Pat, gave me the fisheye and returned my change in pennies to punish me. just yesterday we had a conversation about how she (i think pat's a "she") hadn't seen me in a long time, and i told her it was because i quit smoking. Pat was disappointed, and i felt bad for disappointing her, but this was my mental status, and besides she tried to kill me last summer with the homicidally hot wing sauce she makes. i'm not sure what my body/mind is trying to do here. but honestly, my quality of life (and blog) is truly suffering from the fight. so i give. uncle. i will take it hour by hour, but i will not stress myself out over this. i have a pack of cigarettes in my car, and will not fight beyond what is truly uncomfortable. and i apologize if you are bored by all this or if it makes you sad somehow, but this is for me right now. so many people are having such a hard time right now with the weather taking over all manner of pleasure and squinching it. i wish you Bliss and sparkly things and firelight and a star to look up at and claim as your very own. such as it is, i will stand beside you and hold you while you cry...just ask. maybe we can hold each other up. and if you are having a great day, and don't need holding, or a star, or maybe Oprah to read your book and say she thinks it's da bom, maybe you can wait on the rest of us and entertain yourself by making up definitions to those word verification "words." some look kinda real, you know? fandisep, y'all.