okay, so i thank you one and all for your supportiveness...truly! wow. who knew? and here's a weird thing...as i read emails and comments, i started to realize 2 things: 1) that there are a whole lotta wonderful people in the world - not a superficial wonderful..."W"onderful (big dubya on the word)- and that i know most of them(!), AND 2)the words of comfort also started to prick at my spirit and conscience a bit as i realized just how pathetic i was being. i mean, i had a stumble, not a fall...i still have a home, clothes, too many cats, a diva dog, and Plenty-and-Enough. i started to feel a bit ashamed of my attitude as i looked around the world, and even as close as Paducah, KY, where the thought of a luxury such as an addiction to overcome would probably make someone mayor of the village. so i grabbed the straps of my cowgirl boots, saddled up my inner Phoenix, channeled Grandma Lana, made an altar to my totem animals, sent regards to Jesus, Buddha, Shiva, Ganesh, threw salt over my shoulder, hugged a tree, kissed a frog, dialed up Eye Of The Tiger on my iPod, and once again felt strong and ready. (okay, i did none of those things, y'all know i'm kidding, right? Right??) but i did, in a very quiet moment, realize some things about myself, and did a slight paradigm shift. one thing i was beating myself up about was weight. i've gained close to 30 pounds these past few months. oh how i wished i could wear those cute little sweat pants that roll down at the waist showing off a cute little pierced navel! and seeing Gwen Stefani all buffed up after having kids...well, that just made the goal seem even more possible, yet unreachable. so this morning, as i stood outside on a freezing snowbank waiting for diva to find Just The Right Spot, i was funking out to Mary J Blige's Family Affair , and noticed that my neighbor (the school psychologist) had come out to let her dog out also...and she was amazed - not at the snow volume - but what had befallen her eyes! here was an older, suburban white woman, standing outside in near-single digit weather, cigarette in 1 mittened hand, hair all askew, wearing an old barn coat over a powder blue bathrobe. and this woman, her neighbor mind you, the neighbor's neighbor (me), was either A)having some sort of seizure, B)was on fire and trying to put herself out, or most likely and most unfortunate C)thought she was indeed a Fly Girl. not as in insect, but as in "Yo,Flygirl." and the instant, the very moment i tell you, that i realized that She realized it was Choice C Alex, a flash of an epiphany hit me: i was reaching for goals that i should have left behind, oh let's say 30 years ago. (and also that i have NO NONE NADA sense of rythym and ought not have disrespected Mary J like that anyway). (did i ever tell you i met her? at my katie's funeral, unfortunately). but my point is that perhaps i am expecting a bit too much from myself in some areas...not so much having good, healthy, stretch-yourself goals, but more like Updating or turning once again and looking at the wonderful path ahead. i missed out on most of my 20's...hell, to be fair - all of them. and maybe that's why these issues keep coming up...maybe i keep trying to have a do-over of that decade. but it just isn't possible. and that's not a bad thing. there are so many fabu things that i CAN do now, that i couldn't then, so to try to do the 20's now...well, that would waste my time NOW in my never-mind-how-old's. and is there nothing i mean nothing more pathetic than an older woman trying to be hip, cool, hot, whatever? (broseph: think Mrs. Vergara's mother at the pool!) and i am at peace with that. so yes, i was around for ABBA and Flock Of Seagukks god help me, and wanted to BE Carol King and Melanie, and briefly Jimi Hendrix, but that was then. now, i am re-realizing that i am a grown woman, and that is even as good. and it doesn't mean i have to be an OLD woman as we tend to think of old women. and please don't get me ranting on that, i swear. and as such, yes, it would be nice to be slim and trim and buff, and i will continue my efforts in that regard, BUT with the goal of being the best me...not the best me-that-was. so, GRRR, baby with a side of sauce. and this whole snowbank epiphany, although probably causing my neighbor to put her house up for sale, has led to a few other shiny insights. i won't continue this incredibly long and self-regarding post, but as they say in Austin, "it's all good." and i thank you each and every one for caring and especially for letting me know you care. now about that AARP that was sent to me.... L.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
eye of the tiger, baby
okay, so i thank you one and all for your supportiveness...truly! wow. who knew? and here's a weird thing...as i read emails and comments, i started to realize 2 things: 1) that there are a whole lotta wonderful people in the world - not a superficial wonderful..."W"onderful (big dubya on the word)- and that i know most of them(!), AND 2)the words of comfort also started to prick at my spirit and conscience a bit as i realized just how pathetic i was being. i mean, i had a stumble, not a fall...i still have a home, clothes, too many cats, a diva dog, and Plenty-and-Enough. i started to feel a bit ashamed of my attitude as i looked around the world, and even as close as Paducah, KY, where the thought of a luxury such as an addiction to overcome would probably make someone mayor of the village. so i grabbed the straps of my cowgirl boots, saddled up my inner Phoenix, channeled Grandma Lana, made an altar to my totem animals, sent regards to Jesus, Buddha, Shiva, Ganesh, threw salt over my shoulder, hugged a tree, kissed a frog, dialed up Eye Of The Tiger on my iPod, and once again felt strong and ready. (okay, i did none of those things, y'all know i'm kidding, right? Right??) but i did, in a very quiet moment, realize some things about myself, and did a slight paradigm shift. one thing i was beating myself up about was weight. i've gained close to 30 pounds these past few months. oh how i wished i could wear those cute little sweat pants that roll down at the waist showing off a cute little pierced navel! and seeing Gwen Stefani all buffed up after having kids...well, that just made the goal seem even more possible, yet unreachable. so this morning, as i stood outside on a freezing snowbank waiting for diva to find Just The Right Spot, i was funking out to Mary J Blige's Family Affair , and noticed that my neighbor (the school psychologist) had come out to let her dog out also...and she was amazed - not at the snow volume - but what had befallen her eyes! here was an older, suburban white woman, standing outside in near-single digit weather, cigarette in 1 mittened hand, hair all askew, wearing an old barn coat over a powder blue bathrobe. and this woman, her neighbor mind you, the neighbor's neighbor (me), was either A)having some sort of seizure, B)was on fire and trying to put herself out, or most likely and most unfortunate C)thought she was indeed a Fly Girl. not as in insect, but as in "Yo,Flygirl." and the instant, the very moment i tell you, that i realized that She realized it was Choice C Alex, a flash of an epiphany hit me: i was reaching for goals that i should have left behind, oh let's say 30 years ago. (and also that i have NO NONE NADA sense of rythym and ought not have disrespected Mary J like that anyway). (did i ever tell you i met her? at my katie's funeral, unfortunately). but my point is that perhaps i am expecting a bit too much from myself in some areas...not so much having good, healthy, stretch-yourself goals, but more like Updating or turning once again and looking at the wonderful path ahead. i missed out on most of my 20's...hell, to be fair - all of them. and maybe that's why these issues keep coming up...maybe i keep trying to have a do-over of that decade. but it just isn't possible. and that's not a bad thing. there are so many fabu things that i CAN do now, that i couldn't then, so to try to do the 20's now...well, that would waste my time NOW in my never-mind-how-old's. and is there nothing i mean nothing more pathetic than an older woman trying to be hip, cool, hot, whatever? (broseph: think Mrs. Vergara's mother at the pool!) and i am at peace with that. so yes, i was around for ABBA and Flock Of Seagukks god help me, and wanted to BE Carol King and Melanie, and briefly Jimi Hendrix, but that was then. now, i am re-realizing that i am a grown woman, and that is even as good. and it doesn't mean i have to be an OLD woman as we tend to think of old women. and please don't get me ranting on that, i swear. and as such, yes, it would be nice to be slim and trim and buff, and i will continue my efforts in that regard, BUT with the goal of being the best me...not the best me-that-was. so, GRRR, baby with a side of sauce. and this whole snowbank epiphany, although probably causing my neighbor to put her house up for sale, has led to a few other shiny insights. i won't continue this incredibly long and self-regarding post, but as they say in Austin, "it's all good." and i thank you each and every one for caring and especially for letting me know you care. now about that AARP that was sent to me.... L.
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1 comment:
xo
Good talk the other night...good talk. You will rise up from the ash you Phoenix! And that is ageless!
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