Thursday, January 01, 2009
the big blow
so as 2009 blows out the candles on it's birthday cake, and as my Motrin begins to assure my ski-aching body that things will be just fine, i have questions and quandries and quotes that seem apropos and even immediate for today. my mantra "It's Never Too Late To Be Who You Were Meant To Be." also a quote i snatched, you may have noticed. also, i'm questioning this blog. initially i started it to try to release and relieve the pain i was feeling following my Kita's death. i figured a few posts, and too-da-loo. but here we are these years later. and it seems that the entries waver from real spiritual depth, to observance of daily life in nature, to the frustrations and foibles of just trying to make it through. sometimes i want to go back and delete a post that just seems so shallow or not worthy of the "airtime" it gets...bitches and frustrations that only spread ickiness. but then that seems like cheating. i've followed some blogs and i think "How in The Hell Does She DO It?? she has never ever had a bad day! it is one miraculous moment after another. and what? NOW she's going to Costa Rica?? just like that. just foof and away." so i leave that bitchy post in because, honestly, i think i do have a bit of bitch in me. more than a little sometimes. i try not to but i'm human, y'all. and sometimes, the bitchy part is not at all noticeable. like when your mom covers the burnt part of the pancake with butter and blueberry syrup. i guess it's still there, but the Good Part wins. back to the point. so as is wont this time of year, i am taking stock, and seeing what needs changing...what stays...what goes. and the tone & content of this blog is part of that....do i continue to share the bones of my life? do i try to be more uplifting? (tho God knows some days, help me here Jesus, i AM not the one to call for a happy face drawn in your oatmeal). i'm trying to decide and as i write this, it feels sort of fake for me to just be uplifting or just be arty or just share one segment of my life. i have so many different "moments" to my life...heck, the cube farm alone could be a blog. and it's not that i think i'm uber-facinating, or clever, or have ALL the answers (tho i am happy to share those i do have - they're usually to other people's problems anyway)or any kind of thing like that. this isn't required reading for a grade, or even to be my friend (i know - you're all jumping like beans going "OOO! PICK ME PICK ME!). i guess when i started writing this blog, i assumed no one would read it - i mean how would a person even find it unless they knew me and looked for it. but i've got to tell you, in the early days, when i had the "comments" set so that they came to my email first...oy VEY. and it made me scared. and made me feel very small & ant-like to be a person, just me, out here dancing on the Web, and someone halfway around the world sent a comment to me. what are the chances this could have ever happened - that i would come to know someone from so far away? except for this blog. just so you're reassured, i did not send the money to nairobi as requested from the commenter. but i felt special just to be asked. (you know that last part was not for real, right?) this blog has been a good way to keep in touch with people, but it has been a 2-edged sword. sometimes someone will read a post, and think they've been in touch. so i go endless days, weeks wondering what i did to piss them off, when they're thinking that somehow i knew they read my post. so i guess i'm ranbling here. i think perhaps i will keep things pretty similar....warts and all...good days, fabulous days, frustrating days, dark days...i'll share them all with you and you pick the ones you want. and just maybe i'll get some art done too! namaste, y'all. and a delicious, delightful 09. L.
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3 comments:
You know what, kiddo? I think blogs are 90% fake. Not that their authors lie... but they choose to show, selectively, what they want their readers to read and see. I read one one of your first sentences here about "how does she do it all and now she's going to Costa Rica??" and I thought, YEAH! I feel the same way when I read a lot of the blogs that I follow. I can't be honest in mine. I can't talk about occasional lack of art sales or politics at the coop, or customers who annoy me to no end, or depression that hits me sometimes. Instead I write about the positives so as not to scare away the readers. But it doesn't show the 100% real me. Many blogs make me feel inadequate. I don't have kids, by choice, and I wonder HOW do they do it all and their photos show homes and rooms that are "perfect" and mine are eclectic and a "mess" (err - mix) of styles and I am forever battling paperwork piles and messes and cats and hubby messes and when I get thing in order the order dissolves in 4.2 minutes. And I still don't know what it is I want to do. i want to make art that makes money and from what I am observing, that is pottery or jewelry so I am taking a pottery class this spring. Interested? I'll tell you who my teacher will be locally - great woman - email me offline! But I am tired of my "other" art not selling yet receiving uber compliments that don't pay the oil bill. I am with you. Who are we? Why are we here? why does it come easy to some (supposely if you can believe their blogs) and yet the rest of us are all over the place and sorta struggling.
oh hello there my friend-- it's so funny to read this as I think of YOU as such a bringer of the bright, shimnmering light-- at least you have into my little world.
As for blogs-- they are as varied (fake <---> real) as people are. I know for myself, I have used it as a place for me to focus on the positive so there are some who feel I should be felled by a great big brick engraved with FUCK YOU AND DIE POLLYANNA!! but, as I say, it is my choice--- as for why we do it, I do know it creates a community of connection that I would never otherwise have in my very isolated world-- so that's my 2 cents on blogging.
Please know I am wishing you a MOST wondrous New year filled with good things, lots of light and laughter and deep, deep peace of heart.
Bisous, Elizabeth (bluepoppy)
Miz Eliz...you wondrous, amazing, beautiful person - you make me scream out loud laughing...only you could get away with spending many moments with astute and magical world observations with a smattering of french thrown in...pan searing the perfect mental meal. then find a way to include the word FUCK in a perfectly unexpected and hysterical place....and STILL maintain a sense of complete decorm! oh how i long to be you! L.
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