fears & frustrations

most of you know by now the health scare i'm facing. i'd hoped to be able to use the past tense "faced" by now, but it just keeps rolling on. my GP said she saw a mass in my lower back area but wasn't curious enough to actually take action. ibuprofen and call me if it gets worse. (worse than it was would be unimaginable). my nurse practitioner at my gyn office flipped out and sent me for an astounding round of tests and practically threw me under a surgeon's knife that day. cat scans that showed nothing, sono's that showed the mass loud & clear, internal exams that couldn't locate my ovary but did show my uterus way up under my ribcage and fluid all around my midsection. i won't get into the bodily fluids portion. she sent me home for the weekend with a stern warning to call if anything changed, and a script for percocet. she advised me to build up my stamina because we had a long week ahead of us. i had a monday appt with the doc. and maybe the surgeon. she was already weighing the pros & cons of 2 good surgeons. i went home scared - no terrified - but strangely at peace knowing this pitbull of a woman was my advocate. today, i saw the doc. not just any doc - the alleged God Of Gyno...the premier A #1 man you want in your corner if your fight is against an oncological gynocological problem. at least that was what the newspaper articles all said. after a few brief moments and a scant glance at the cat scan only, he pronounces my problem to be muscular/skeletal.....a common backache. what about the mass? the hemorrhaging? the OTHER tests? the other 2 health care professionals that deemed my body worthy of an audience with you? no answers forthcoming. a basic, "that's my story and i'm sticking to it." i left the office so enraged i could spit. i remembered a time when, in the middle of a blizzard, my pediatrician cross-country skied to our house because there was word of the mumps. (remember mumps?) i remember another dr doing blazing battle with his HMO bosses to fight for me to get treatment for my paralysis. i remember the nurse practitioner, just last friday, leaving her lunch meeting to find me out front and talk to me about the tests....and actually hug me. just exactly where has the "care" gone in health care? why is it that new doctors have to take classes in compassion, and only now because "studies show that dr's that are more compassionate get sued less." i see the backlash of "no compassion" in my job every day. it hurts me, but i do my best to make it right - to lessen the rage. i treat each person with the respect and dignity that they deserve as a human being...even if they've just (in utter frustration with their situation) called me a vile name. so i wish i had good news to report. for the record, i know this is in no way a backache, and i intend to try to find someone who cares enough to stop for a moment and listen and study the tests and maybe prove me right ...or maybe prove me wrong. but at least be willing to sit and prove it to me. earn my respect and trust. sorry for the rant. i just felt like it. L