aimless wandering

left on my own for a wakeup call, i slept in - 7am. i slid out of bed quietly so as not to disturb my husband, paused at the top of the stairs to listen for the deep snores that would tell me the creak in the top step wouldn't wake him. soon, the delicious smell of coffee brewing brought the day's first smile. a steaming mug in hand, i retraced and repeated the stop-and-listen process till i was once again in the womb of my studio. today i must create. i stood before my now-organized boxes and plastic containers of "stuff." waiting. listening with my spirit. looking for an object to stand out...to catch a vibration of excitement of it's possibilities. nothing. i caressed the variegated silk and netting i bought just last night with high hopes of beginning my Orange Koi. nothing. no urgings. n o calls to "pick me! pick me!" back down the stairs and outside. surely nature will inspire me. i watch the birds fly to the feeder, cock their heads at me - friend or foe, they seem to wonder- then fly off to other business, only to be replaced by another. envious of their purposefullness, i once again head upstairs. still nothing. i miss my diva dog...she's still at Camp Grandma's. she would be buggin' and tuggin' to go for a w-a-l-k. perhaps i'll head out for a good long walk. i'm frustrated that i've had 3 full days to work on a project and have made little use of the time. angry at my body for allowing this current torment in. the walk may do my soul good, but it's sure to come with a hefty price on my flesh. as i try to go about my normal activities and push through the pain, it tires me even more. at first i was grateful for it....it helped me realize the pain my kita had been in, and i now am able to have peace about the decision i had to make. the timing of this is not lost on me - a year to the day is when this began. i still miss him - calling my diva dog by his name by accident from time to time. remembering his sweet soul. at my old house, there was little in the way of heat that reached my bedroom in the winter. often, he'd lay on my belly to keep me warm, falling asleep as he licked my chin,, his soft little muzzle tickling me. he kept that sweetness for all of his 18 years. to an "outsider" (anyone but me) he was annoying and a constant barker. was quick to let you know he didn't like you. stubborn...oh was he stubborn. but a good friend, and a wise twin to my spirit. yes, the decision was right and kind. i have no doubt. i sometimes wish i'd done better by him, but i was a different person then, so i guess i did my best. but meanwhile, i'm sure happy to have known him. i was thinking about Narcissus last night...at the beginning of the book, The Alchemist, the story takes a different turn with the tale. you know the story - the boy Narcissus gazes at himself in the lake everyday till one day he falls in and drowns. well, in the book, the woods and the lake have a conversation about how beautiful Narcissus was and the lake replies that it will miss him because in his eyes, the lake was able to see it's own reflection back. i posted about this story earlier, so won't go off rambling about it now, but that was how it was with kita. if i was nervous or stressed or flinging out bad energy, he'd reflect that. if i was calm and peaceful, he'd give that back. it was easy to gauge what i was sending out into the world by paying attention to my fluffy little radar. so i guess, along with aimless wanderings through my studio, i've also been aimlessly wandering through this post...picking up little fragments of ideas here and there and putting them down...no real connection, just random thoughts. maybe this was meant to be one of those random weekends. september promises to be a busy one, and november as well. maybe this weekend was about clearing, cleaning, relaxing. whether i wanted it to be or not! i'm thinking of that walk now, and listening for the pattern of snores to see if i can once again creep down the stairs and have the world to myself on the big walk through the woods and across the dock and around the lake. who knows - maybe a butterfly will hitch a ride with me again. happy labor day y'all! L.