Friday, September 14, 2007
about those new years resolutions...
i know you'll skip thru this looking for medical mystery answers, so i'll get it out of the way right away so you may actually read the rest: follow-up TV Sono showed nothing. no mass left. no lump or bump or boll weevil or thing to grab my ankle from under the bed at night. so we will visit other possibilities. for now, i will take some time away from all the disinfectant thoughts. but please know that my truest heartfullest thanks are sent out to you who listened to me rant, whine, rail, deny, and otherwise be less than my best self these past few days (or so). thank you. really & truly thank you. now...on to other things. sort of. on the way to the sono, i hit a little Judy Collins, hoping for that earthiness to rub off and send this scared child away with it's figurative woobie. hmm. no - that didn't seem right....to calmly accept what may be the unacceptable with a shrug and a martyr's tired smile. not today. sorry judy babe...what i needed was some soul wrenching, gut curdling, primal screaming Evanessence. oh yeah. no peacenik, tie-dyed, folksy gauze skirt-wearing for Amy. nuh uhn honey. so i can imagine what i looked like as i drove my plain Amish-black Saturn down the road...windows down, goth-rage/christian music turned up to 11 on the dial...side view mirrors vibrating...air guitar alternating with air drums....looking for all the world like a PTA mom who drank the orange KoolAid. the Lone Wolf howls. and growls. and is singing loudly and very off-key. i pick up the song where i left off as i leave the radiology place - where Jack is STILL trying to chug-a-lug the same obnoxious mixture i drank for lunch last week. difference is, his is a surprise treat - no one warned him. i worried this morning that i would flunk this sono test...Diva dog has been extra clingy - surely she knows something. in fact this morning when i crawled back in bed for 5 mins to wake up husband, she wedged her little body down between us and hugged me. attempts to move her were unsuccessful...even the feet-moving-under-the-covers trick didn't do it. diva still has a few "issues" from her before-she-lived-with-me-days. she's afraid of feet under the covers, umbrellas, and laundry. and most men. i can understand the aversion to the laundry and understand about some men, but she will sooner take on the neighbor's Rottie than stay in the same room while i fold laundry. luckily this fear is rarely realized. so anyway, when i got home, i realized we both deserved a Big Walk. no point in spelling it anymore - she knows what i'm spelling. as we walked the Short Path over the dock, thru the Echo Echo Tunnel (where she likes to bark) and thru the Beechwoods past the Monkey Tree, i realized once again how incredible my life has been. not just the amazingly good things, but how the beyond-comprehension bad things have shaped my life and my Spirit. having spent 3 of my most prime years paralyzed with no warning, i learned to be patient with those who may walk slower than me, talk slower, have trouble in some fashion "keeping up." it taught me that the woman wearing the sweats with unwashed hair at the grocery store may be on her first outing alone after facing who-knows-what. in general, it taught me tolerance with many, and also to have no respect for those who belittle or bully or tease. i'm apt to get medieval all over those folks. having to work 3 jobs at a certain time in my life taught me, well, how to work hard. and to appreciate so much - time, "things" and opportunities. and also when "enough" is plenty, and "more than enough" is more than you need. my friend's grandma used to say "what good are 2 punkins anyways if all ye needs one? it'll just rot." so sometimes "enough" IS "enough." from my beloved Kita, i learned yet more patience as he trained me to be a good mom to him, and later patient caretaker, stair-helper, hand-feeder, rug cleaner, and on. such pride, he had, that scolding served no purpose. such love that it would hurt me more than do any good. now Diva...oy! my special needs puppy girl. all she wants is her pretty pink collar, some cheese, and a squirrel to play with. yeah - right. she wants it all! she wants to be held 24/7...to lick lick lick my face, hands, eyes...but not the feet! she'll sit for hours while you spa-girl her with her special brush. (Target...$1). so all these things and so much more lolled lazily through my head as i wandered the familiar path with her. thoughts of my dear dear friends of the heart. my angel friends. how incredibly lucky i am. or blessed. or both. as fall approaches, i usually do a check of how i'm doing on my new years resolutions. usually not so good. this year...not so bad. 2 things left on the list: learn to Latin dance, and learn to play steel drums. actually, those were the only things on the list this year. being unable to provide peace on earth, lottery momey to the homeless, and unwilling to lose weight/quit smoking/finally learn to use makeup properly, i decided this was the year to have fun. so lo and behold....i get home and there's a flyer in the mailbox from a dance instructor! so look out Gloria Estefan....here comes Salsa Momma! oh - and the third thing was another tattoo. still trying to find an awesome picture of a Phoenix....most looked like a chicken being tortured. so enough rambling for now...to much coffee, and missed my nap. i hate when that happens. maybe a mind-CLEARING walk alone this time, to re-focus on some unfinished business in my studio. did i say thank you to y'all who have stood by on alert this past week with me? maybe, but definately not enough. once more? Thank you. to the moon and back....L
at 4:36 PM