Congratulations! It's a (big) girl!

another sleepless night, as visions of myself in my Real job paraded endlessly through my head. Sugar Plums on payday, yes, but the rest...not so Genuine. so here's my decision: i've been stuck in the figurative Birth Canal of life for some time now. (my apologies to the Host). but me being me, i needed to take a few steps and make sure the ice wasn't cracking under me before i skated a few feet further out. no Nancy Kerrigan-like moves this time. (without the whole knee drama). it seems like most of my Big Decisions these days start with the phrase, "I'm almost 50...." and i take that to heart - not because i feel old, but because i feel entitled. i've been at it a while here on earth, and have finally figured out that there is no "proper" way to live my life. i have spent years (49 to be exact) working and doing the "right" thing, the martyr thing at times. doing what needed to be done to get by, get ahead, get through. in this so-called Summer Of Becoming My Mother (see previous posts), i realized that she made her choices in life primarily based on survival. and although there was a peek through the veil towards liberation and coolness, without constant tugging and pulling, she was not going to risk upsetting the proverbial apple cart of her day-to-day. a rotten apple is still an apple. and she is comfortable where she is, so who am i to tell her to change or step through the looking glass? the difference is that i am NOT comfortable sitting in my little booth looking through the frosted glass, envious of those who are living their True Life. envy can easily turn to bitterness - a chemistry i've escaped, but don't want to dodge anymore. so rather than finding myself someday saying, "I'm almost 60..." or "...70...." and finding my taste for my true self has gone bitter, i am taking another step. actually, if you know my life with any intimacy, you'll realize that, for me, this is the triple-axle, lutz jump combination. today i will be asking the boss for part time hours, even if it means changing departments to the really really boring one. a M/W/F schedule will be most suitable, but i'll be flexible, since after December, it wil be a mon-sun ART-ONLY schedule. yikes! i said it out loud. my main sticking point has been worry that i won't make as much money at art as i do now with my Real Job. duh. then it struck me (okay - i take the short bus) SO WHAT?? and **gasp** what if i actually made more? say it ain't so. yes - i know it sounds shallow...an artist lives for their art at any cost, right. well, maybe if they have a rich patron. but the fact of the matter is that THIS artist does have some material needs and wants. like food, shelter and the like. so being craetive and talented is a given. loving art more than a hobby is a given. BEING an artist is a given. so those items weren't even on the pro/con list. i saw a show the other night (yes, a reality show) that follows medical students through their torturous residencies. they asked 1 guy why he did it...why he sacrificed sleep, food, his girlfriend 4 states away. he said he always knew he wanted to become a doctor. that it has been his passion and dream since he was a kid. so no matter how difficult things got, or how unsure of himself he sometimes felt, he still knew he was doing what he was meant to do. and that just struck me. i've known, at some level, that art was me and i was art. (coo-coo-ca-choo, walrus). when i was young, my friend Julie Fenster and I used to write plays and design elaborate sets in the laundry room of the apt building where i lived. we'd make the neighborhood kids be in the plays, and charge their parents to come see them. (the production company folded after arguments over ticket prices. she said a penny, i said a nickel. oy). so always being the oddball, but still somehow fitting in, i grew into the person i now am. i'm mostly happy. except for this part of me that clings to the rotten apple cart. (crud - now all i can hear is that Jackson 5 song "One Bad Apple") (sorry- now you're stuck with it too, aren't ya?). sorry. so maybe i will become my mother, but the Mom 5.0 version....the new & improved version has the filter reversed to keep the "Ordinary" OUT and the scary & exciting in. Still just as much work - maybe more. and the download is a bitch. but the picture is clearer. so light a candle, hug a tree, say a prayer, cross your fingers....whatever it is that you do to wish someone great good things - do this for me. and i will repay you. thanks. L.