the "s" word

hard to believe....just when nature was rubbing her eyes and waking up from a looong sleep...bam! more snow! how much more remains to be seen, but if the weather reports are to be believed, then it'll be piled high. oh well...perfec time to get some reading done i suppose. it's almost 1pm and i'm still in my jammies....diva dog got her shot yesterday and was up every 2 hours running for the door to go out. poor baby. thankfully i have today to nap. i've been working on a few crafty type projects while a large mixed media piece rambles and pings off my brain cells. till it settles in long enough to get a glimpse, there's nothing to do but wait. i figured if i kept my hands busy with some form of art, then it would help. nothing like the smell of Golden gel medium in the morning! i'm reading the most hilarious book "Hypocrite in a White Poufy Dress." it's a memoir of sorts. not mine, but someone's. the author tells about being a kid who wants to be Miss America, a ballerina, Batgirl, and to win the Nobel Prize in coloring. her parents are hippies and are okay with all this. very funny. not the usual "man did me wrong" memoir. which got me thinking (in between the pinging and rambling of the art piece - very noisy). why is it that women's time seems to be marked by the man they were with, or what stage of getting over a man they are, or how to live without a man, or whatever man-ness is the flavor of the moment? why can't more women write a memoir telling about their accomplishments and maybe some struggles, but without the man-bashing, man-dependancy, man-whatever whatever whatever....? i guess for the same reason i whine about my husband in this very blog from time to time. are we as women hardwired to be the helpers and keepers? or is it a learned thing? i would think that any girlchild born after the late 70's would have thrown off all the "learned" behaviors, but still it seems like when push-comes-to-shove, it's still women who are cleaning the carpet and doing the laundry. now this is most definately NOT a rant about feminism or women's rights....more of an observation on the people i know, and the things i've noticed in life. maybe i'm right....maybe i should get out more...who knows? but it does seem to me that there is an unequal number of books by women that hinge on their relationship - good or bad - with a man. again...just an observation, not a political statement. so back to my original weather stuff....enjoy the ladybugs here....i miss them! every year they swarm my Lake and i spend hours walking the shore "saving" the little ones that got too close to the waterline. i usually end up with little orange and red speckles crawling all over me! sort of like chicken pox meets St. Vitus dance? L.

anniversaries and calendars

so here it is....next week will be the 1 year anniversary of losing Bear, with the same time marked for Kita coming up close behind. it got me thinking about the past year....time has seemed to move so fast, yet when measured day-by-day has moved ever so slowly. what have i done of significance in the past year? have i become a better person? a different person? have i stretched my boundaries any? which ones? how am i different? these questions roll around and crash against my thoughts like a penny in a tin can. i feel like i've stagnated, yet when i look at the art i've created, i realize that i have grown in that regard. i am more comfortable in what comes from my hands, yet i strive for more. good thing. have i become a better person? no, i don't think so. i find myself becoming more impatient with the day-to-day that i live in. eager to get out on my own, yet afraid of all that entails. the searching, packing, moving, uncertainty. i've done it before and had good results and bad results. being wiser and more self-assured now, i think the odds are tipped more in my favor, but will reality crash into desire and want and dream? will that make things better or more stressful? "better the devil you know than the devil you don't?" as my desire to spread my wings intensifies, my spirit is tired and bruised. i know i must be ready in all regards in order to make things work. but will preparing for the next step further crush me? or, having made the decision, will it strengthen my determination and make me strong enough? i have always been a strong person in some ways - suck it up and do what needs to be done. going in to work today was an example - after being verbally annihilated on the phone just moments after parking my car, my strong desire was to turn the key, head home and crawl under the protection of my sheets. instead, i went in to work - a smile pasted on my face. i wonder if that's strength of character, or weakness? i crave a magic wand. diva dog has been at camp grandma's for the week. i've gotten nothing done that should have been done without 4-paws crashing around. she comes home tomorrow night and i miss her so much. this time away is usually very relaxing and productive for me. but with the house still in an uproar, nothing has come of the time except missing the only heartbeat that kisses and loves no matter what. as i approach 50 this year, i think about what i still need to do - the feeling that life is more than half over ticks away in me constantly. had i planned properly, i'd be retiring in 5 years. 5 years! but i am coming into my own now - as a woman, as a warm loving spirit, as an artist. and i will not let time steal that. and i won't let other people's schedules and agendas steal that. and i won't let myself steal from myself what i was put here to do....make art, love purely and beautifully, appreciate all things good & bad & sweet & wonderful & sad & unjust. for in one, you see the other. sunny skies are only defined by their counterpart the clouds. i have seen both in my 49 1/2 years....i prefer one over the other, that's for sure, but i've also learned that neither will kill me. neither has the power to change me - only affect what i let it affect. My Lake brings tears to my eyes with it's majesty, but it can only change what i allow it to - to soften and soothe the bruises, or tickle a little fear with it's power. so the coming weeks and months and day-to-days will play out the results of the slow, meticulous change of seasons in my soul. scary and exciting. tiring and energizing. sad and exhuberant. counterparts dancing in my lifeplan........L.

update

MARCH 24th?! was that really the last time i posted??? yikes (again)! i guess not much has happened/changed...i'm still in the training phase of my new job, so what's not to love about that? my health has returned. alas - so has the snow! my art is going well, both in the studio, and sales-wise. so it's all very busy and good. please keep checking back...i promise as the breeze beigins to blow warmer, the posts will become more interesting! nothing like a great day on my Lake to stimulate the thoughts! did you check out page 9 of Cloth, Paper, Scissors yet??? come on! L.

catch up

feeling much better, but surprisingly fatigued. i am just about able to make it through the day, and go up to bed around 8...unless Idol is on! then i nap for an hour just to stay awake! worrisome. but anyway, even as i am sleep-walking, the earth is waking up and so are my creative muses. i am trying not to overload myself with "started" projects that may/may not ever get finished. today, i met the most incredible woman. she is well past 50, with beautiful steel grey hair, dancing eyes and a vibrant spirit. my friend & i are both careening toward 50 and having a difficult time of it. 50. more than half your life gone. i worry - have i done enough? what haven't i done that i absolutely need to do/see/taste/feel? am i living the way i thought i'd be at this age? what can i change? so many questions. i thought by now i'd have all the answers! but this woman said after 50 is the best time of your life....you can speak your mind and people listen. you KNOW your mind by now. (i'm LOSING mine,so i'd better not speak too much!). i guess i always pictured myself being this earthmother-y type wearing lots of Bluefish clothes and sandals...sort of a grown up hippie chick. instead, i see my mother in the mirror more and more. those lines around my lips (WHAT upper lip?!?) and the corners of my mouth downturned. hard living, in the emotional sense, has brought those attributes to me. that makes me wonder if my mother has the same regrets and feelings of not-enough-time. what would she have wished for in her life? what are her greatest acheivements and disappointments? what would she change now? they say it ain't over till it's over, but i have a feeling there's a point where you might say "it's too late to swim against the tide." i feel "me" trying to break out of this life-skin i'm in. the struggle is epic at times. to break free means great loss, on one hand, but may bring fulfilling gain. is the result worth the struggle? since the result is unknown, is the risk worth the reward? i think yes, but wonder if i still have the strength and resolve to see it through. a life half-lived is worse than a life lived to others' designs. i think it's better to be blind to your "self," than to know your self, but be untrue to it. and i know my self. so i guess this rambling has produced the answer. time for a good CD with my sewing machine humming along to the the melody and diva dog hiding under my desk. it's funny - Kita preferred classical music. Diva dog likes rock and folk. anything else is just thunder to her ears. speaking of which, there's the first thunder of the year outside! come on Spring! L.

creaky

so this is my gram...i thought of this picture, 'cause i know this is my destiny - to become her. *sigh* Hey! want to feel old, useless, tired, obsolete, dumber than a box of rocks? get a new job! especially one where everyone is 25 and under, with little boy-bodies! who talk about going out partying on a monday, for God's sake, and come in tuesday looking all refreshed after 3 hours sleep. i REMEMBER those days, even if i could never LIVE them now. and how about when your trainer tells you that you remind her of her MOTHER'S best friend? not her sister's. mother's. oy vey. now, i'm not a stupid person, but i have felt very old and certainly brain-decrepid in the past few days. new tricks/old dog. add to this humbling experience: oh yes....PMS for the 2nd time in 2 weeks! whoo hoo! which normally makes me a dimwit anyway. so it's no wonder my trainer is like, totally fried trying to teach me this stuff. and, hello, am i the only one there who hasn't had at least 2 children with my boyfriend? and STILL have a waistline?? so the job has been a much humbling experience this week...and it's only Monday! tues & wed are already showing promise in the unpromising direction. they are looking to hire someone additional, and i can only hope she is very very stupid, so i don't look worse! if i could only stay awake when these little girls are chattering on like squirrels. they talk too fast! :) so it goes slow but sure. i guess part of the reason i feel frustrated today is that i expect waaay too much from myself - as usual. i set the bar high and get upset when i make it as far as can be expected, and no further. of course, having a stressed out trainer is not helping. so i come home, eat dinner, and pass out on the couch - like an old lady! i told my trainer embryo today that the strangest thing about getting old(er) is that you don't THINK of yourself as "old." i'm a misfit! well, that's nothing new....it's just that i'm used to hangin' with folks whose worldview expands past NOVA 105.1 and Armory Square drink specials. people who can remember what they did over the weekend....and with whom. or if not, they are certain that alcohol was not the impairing factor. well, off to toss the big brown bear to diva dog.....could life get better? so to those who can relate, i raise my glass of Ensure.......L.

WOW!

has it been this long since i posted?! yikes! well a lot has happened...and nothing much. all at the same time. go figure! i was supposed to get a week off after giving my notice at my last job, then start my new new job 3/5. i had a week of fantastic artistic endeavors planned for the week and was salivating in anticipation. not so fast....woke up the 1st day of "vacation" feeling like someone was smashing my hands, feet and hips with a hammer. hard. chills, fever, body cramping from the chills, pain....you get the point. ah yes. the flu. like i've never had it before. a nasty nasty bug. by the end of the week - still sick, and of course, add PMS to the mix. and a gross cough. yuk. i called my yet-to-be-started new job and begged for a few more days. they were fine with it. wednesday would be day 1. by tuesday night - no better, so i called and again begged. they were still cool with it, and said i couldn't start till i had an official note from the doc saying i was cleared for takeoff....they were afraid i'd push myself and come in before i should! Now what kind of humanity is THAT? so i started today. i really like it. yes, i know, i always say that the first day! but there is an attitude there of kindness - something sorely lacking in the corporate world today. with so many unemployed, the conventional wisdom says to work 'em to death then kick 'em to the curb. but this is a truly caring operation. a friend of mine has worked there for a while now, and she told me about the opening. good pay. good benefits. no bullshit. what more can you ask for? AND - i have my very own cubicle! i giggled when i saw that. right by the windows, too. by 5pm i was teary-eyed with exhaustion, though - only 4 hours sleep. between the time change, and my husband deciding that late night TV with loud, crunchy snacks was the thing to do, i barely dozed off before my alarm screamed at me to get up. early to bed tonight....and i'm locking the bedroom door! diva dog is having a confusing day - mom was up early and then gone FOREVER. she actually got so worried, she threw up. since the weather was giving us a break, we went to the park when i got home. so, i guess it's a pretty mundane life in those respects, but a little normalcy in the schedule isn't necessarily a bad way to go from time to time. in order to "lure" me there, the company threw in an extra week vacation! so this summer i get 1 week, then after next January, i get 2 weeks! whoo hoo! i can use some of those days to beat back the winter blahs one day at a time, and still have a week in the summer or fall to go somewhere. my wanderlust is still full force. i feel a need to travel somewhere that will take my breath away. somewhere to hold in my heart and mind and soul. a fellow salesrep friend of my husband's just got laid off (too old and made too much money) and decided that enough was enough. he's going to raise koi. that's it. just koi. how great is that?? i miss the fall, and the long walks with diva dog. we logged some good miles last year! mostly walking off the hurt and sadness, but bonding, and re-inventing ourselves....her as the only dog, and me as ....well, who knows. i think once i establish a routine here, and get some non-dependant cash flow going, then i'll figure out the who/where/what/why of myself. the distractions of trying to tread wet cement will be gone. it's been so much harder trying not to get hurt lately. there is a definate, subtle shift in the relationship. before, at least we tried. now, i don't feel that coming my way - just anger and intentional hurtings. it's lonely and hard, but strangely a relief almost. the battle to keep up a good front was tiring. now, we're like 2 drops of oil in a glass of water - each self-contained, occaisionally bumping into each other, then moving away....never merging, never becoming one. still in the same glass of water, though. so i concentrate on the new job, and becoming employee-of-the-month so i can rise through the ranks and make the big money. can you imagine? so the thaw that has melted the ice on my roof and sidewalk has also come to my heart and mind....i am seeing possibilities like the snowdrops near my Japanese Maple. peeking out. taking a chance. still unsure if tomorrow will bring a winter storm, or a few hours warming in the sunshine. but they still peek out. L.

long time!

sorry it's been sooo long since my last post - i have been flat out on my back with that nasty nasty flu for over a week. am still not 100% but definately much better than a week ago when i was sure i was going to die. and would've welcomed it! i was to start my new job today, but they have been absolutely wonderful in letting me delay my start date till i'm better. after listening to me cough on the phone, i'm sure they wanted me as far away from them as possible! so i've caught up on my reading, anyway! i am enjoying a book right now called "Living Artfully." it's a recipe for having an artful life - even if you aren't an artist. very enlightening. it's about doing special things, or ordinary things in a special way, to bring joy to those around you - and yourself! as i scrolled back through my posts, i realized how bitter and depressing they've started to sound. yes, my circumstance has been a stew pot for all that, but when i think back through the mileposts in my life, i realized that i've always looked on the lighter side of things and not allowed my surroundings to dictate my moods. so i've had to do some thinking about what's different now - why am i being the ripple the stone makes when it splashes into the water, instead of the stone? why am i letting outside surroundings and attitudes affect my inner self, instead of being the one who affects the surroundings? we all know people that make us feel wonderful - just by being with them. you can't help but laugh or smile just by their playfulness, or way of looking at a situation....or just their joy and wonder at life. i worked with a girl like that recently. you ask her how she was, and her answer 100% of the time was, "I'm PERFECT!" now, you'd find out later that her husband had accidentally run over her dog (true story), and wonder how in the world she could be perfect after that. but she is eternal sunshine. the mistakes she made on the job made for a difficult go for the rest of us, but there's no one i'd rather work with! her attitude was infectious. just try to be gloom-and-doom around THAT! i remember being that way, and want it back. not faking it ....i want the real deal. i think i've gotten so caught up in taking myself sooo very seriously as an artist, that the fun and joy of experimenting and creating has gotten sucked out of the process. add swinging hormones and marital issues, and i guess i can see where it was easier to see the weeds instead of the flowers. while i was writing this, my neighbor called and told me about a DVD she just watched called The Secret. it was on Oprah. she used words like "life-changing" and "unbelievable." she's been in a slump also, and said this DVD changed her outlook in 1 night. that's asking an awful lot! i believe i'll check this one out....not one for self-help books, etc, this sounds different. **** i just paused for a while to get my sorry butt up & showered and dressed. my little diva dog has been sitting by my side for a full week, and has cabin fever. we went out back to romp a little before the cold & blowy stuff hits. she was ecstatic! how she can find a stick buried under all that snow is beyond me! it feels good to get up and out a bit. after a week of bedrest, how much more boring can it get?? i used to wish for a few days of complete relaxation & time alone....it will be a while before i utter those wishes again! i want to keep busy so i don't dwell on feeling sick, but don't want to overdo it either. maybe a quick trip to the bookstore. or at least scrape off my car. i put new birdseed out in the feeders, and the jays are going nuts! they are so huge, but so cautious - if they look in the window and see us, they fly away immediately! the little birds tend to be more curious and sit there staring back, cocking their heads to get a better look. well, 1st things 1st - lunch. L.

is anyone still reading this?

sooo sorry for the gap! i have been flat out on my back with the flu that turned into mild pneumonia. so much for my week off between jobs! i woke up saturday morning and headed straight for the studio, then BAM! it hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks. my fear was the return of Gilliam Barre Syndrome, due to the intense joint aches. but it was "just" the flu. my heartfelt and sincere apologies to any and all that i know who've been sick, and perhaps found me less compassionate than i should have been. i think i'm a pretty thoughtful person, but it's hard to imagine someone else's pain. until it hits you. i'm still pretty icky right now, so just a quickie to let you know i'm alive - even though i felt like death for the past week. oh! my day brightened up with the mail - Cloth Paper Scissors! page 9...all of page 9! it's very weird seeing your work in a magazine. kinda cool too. back to sleep now - sweet dreams for sure. L.

ssssnnnnoooowwww!

for you westies (west coasters) - THIS is what you're missing. snow, snow and plenty of it! we had to shovel a little tunnel path for diva dog in order for her to get out to potty. i wish she was still paper trained! the snowbanks are high enough for her to just step over the fence if she figures that out. of course, i worry. i started a project yesterday! then re-started it today. today's version is much better. i have too many ideas all fighting for prime positioning in my creative lobe, so i end up with a Frankenstein project - a little from this idea, a little from that one. so anyway, was i the only one who actually continued eating the salmonella -infested peanut butter? oy! who knew they really MEANT it when they recalled it? so, on to dinner now. stay warm and wear bright colors so the plows can see ya coming! L.

by the way

i got the new job!

unseen

i often wonder why depression doesn't come with an outward sign...broken legs and arms have a cast to show for them....surgeries have an impressive scar. but depression...nothing. there are outward signs, i suppose - the tiredness like you're trying to run a marathon through knee deep cement, ever hardening along the way. the i-don't-caredness of the hairstyle. the whole enthusiasm thing is just wrung out like a damp cloth after the kitchen is cleaned. and yet because there is no scar, no cast, no bending of a bone, depression is often waved away by those around. with a flick of the hand and a disdainful look, the depressed person is told they should have nothing to be sad about. or to cheer up. or simply categorized as high maintenance and mentally dismissed. depression isn't about being sad. it's about being the walking dead. the world becomes shades of grey. the best you can muster is to sleep the day away and hope for a better one the next turn of the sky. those around become frustrated that they can't cheer you up. or feel that you are depressed because you're with them. or. or. or. it's not that simple. yes, an event can jump start a bad slide like dynamite in the Alps. but sometimes, a quiet grey creeping cloud comes by and stays. there's a song by the Dixie Chicks about heartache that can relate to depression too...Hello, Mr. Heartache/I've been expecting you/Come in and wear your welcome out/Like you always do/you never say if you're here to stay/or only passing through/hello Mr. Heartache/I've been expecting you. see, no matter how far from that cloud you get, there's always a little piece of you looking behind, looking left and right, waiting. makes it hard to fully enjoy enjoyment. kind of like being cancer-free for 2 months, then 3, then 6. you hope, you wish, you wait. no, i'm not depressed right now, but i have a friend who's deep into the muck of it. she feels bad about calling me with nothing to say - just to reach out and hear a voice that doesn't judge her for being depressed - just is happy she is who she is, and knows there will be good times and great times to come. and then some more very bad ones. she isn't suicidal. just very depressed. for no reason she can figure. and my greatest gift to her is to just know she's in there under the fog and will reappear soon. we watch tv together over the phone. my depression comes and goes, intermingled with stress. i almost welcome the stress - it's good to feel SOMETHING during those times. those times when you have to send the dog to your mom's because even the effort of something loving you is too much to bear. this past summer was a trial...losing 2 dogs and my job was grief mixed with sadness mixed with stress while i was depressed anyway. now there's a losing lottery ticket if i ever held one! i've learned to listen to my body and my mind...to not push myself past what i can endure. to give myself credit for the life i've lived so far, knowing there are hard times and fabulous times still to come. to give myself permission to spend a day in bed if that's all i'm able to muster. i've had a few friends fall away throughout the years because they didn't understand. but for the most part, my good friends have stayed true and strong beside me....even when i didn't answer their phone calls or emails. most people don't even know...i work because i have to, and generally put on a good party face. a very close friend of mine said she could always tell that the more depressed i was, the funnier and happier i appeared to be. partly true, i think. these days, i tend to be less of a pleaser, and will get quieter and more reflective. if you see me in wegman's in my pj's, it's a good bet i'm not having a great day! anyway ramble ramble. i started thinking about this whole thing, because i know a girl who is very pretty - in an Audrey Hepburn way. she's a gifted artist, and a very talented graphic artist. she **gasp** has a flaw, though, that she feels defines her and overshadows anything else good about her. she sees this as A FLAW. anyone who knows about it (and fewer know about it than she thinks) could really care less. it's not even a flaw - i say that from her perspective. it's something about her that is different from me. or maybe you. there is no website that shows what a perfect person should be, and then we all compare thisis and thats. there are only people - and each, thankfully is different. two of me would be at least 1 too many. and if everyone were striving to become the same person, boooooring. so to accept ourselves as we are, is to be at peace with ourselves, and to then be able to reach a hand to the next one. it also then frees you to get on with your life's work, whatever that may be. so you drive a VW and not a Lexxus....just DRIVE for goodness sake. get on with it. i may always suffer from depression from time to time, but that doesn't mean i need to sit on the curb waiting for it. sometimes there is a reason in the cosmos for a person to have a particular "flaw." if i didn't have depression in my life, i'd be a far less compassionate person. of that i'm sure. so although it doesn't make the ride through it any easier, i at least can point to one positive aspect of it. just before i pull the covers over my head. once i came to realize that "i yam what i yam" it was such a revelation. such freedom to just go and be! it all comes back to Popeye. and the time i used to spend trying to attain some goal of perfection, or at least "other than this-ness" was better spent making art. or learning to cook. or just sinking into the covers and waiting out the storm - no guilt. no faking happiness. just being the best me i could be at the moment. i had intended to save this in my draft folder till tomorrow...not exactly a valentines day post. but i started thinking about love, and loving yourself, and loving each other and it just seemed okay to hit the post button. to my friends - i love you for your endurance! L.

lazy day

so i was bad today....i called in sick and laid in bed with diva dog all day. normally i would have felt guilty about that, but coming on the heels of giving my notice yesterday, it felt especially wicked. i really didn't feel great, and between all the hoo-ha lately, and the relief i was feeling, it spelled r-e-s-t. my body and mind craved it like chocolate, so i gave in. it was delicious - the rest. i slept until dinnertime and decided to write a bit. i have my mannequin set up in my studio staring blankly at me, taunting. well, staring as good as a headless mannequin can. more of a dress form really. i have too many ideas for her, that's the problem. i think that's where my create blocks come in - too many ideas vs none. i have notebooks filled with ideas that i could borrow from when i feel stunted creatively, but i think i get nervous that i'll mess it up. there's only 1 mannequin. it isn't like buying pockets full of beads or rusty nails....there's just 1 chance. but then again, maybe that will spur me on to greatness with her. oy vey, who knows. diva dog has cabin fever with all the cold cold weather we've had - it's too cold for her little paws to stay out more than a few minutes, but she wants to run and play. hurry spring! here's something to ponder as you wait: be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart...and try to love the questions themselves...do not noe seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them...and the point is to live everything...live the questions now...perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answers." that's by Rainer Marie Rilke. i guess sometimes i spend so much time trying to find the answers, the RIGHT answers, that the point of living the question becomes moot. why have an answer to something that no longer matters? won't the answers come by just living? or is that too passive-aggressive? do nothing and let it roll. maybe by spending too much time inward seeking, the "outward" changes enough that you have an obsolete question you're ruminating on. i guess this year i will try to live with gusto, make the best choices i can, and know that there are 2 roads - and the ending is the same. just a different ride. gusto...i remember gusto. hunh. time to get back in bed with a cold washcloth on my head. migraines. hate em. L

by the sea

attention blogskateers! i just wolfed down The Best Book I've ever read in my natural life..."A Year By The Sea...Thoughts of an Unfinished Woman" by Joan Anderson. Fabulous Fabulous. spent the day in bed saturday and read most of it - finished it this morning. she says everything i have been feeling - without the whining that i am apt to do. it's a narrative nonfiction, and if you are approaching 50 from either end (or plan to some day) this is a must read. the book moved me so much - it prodded me to take control of the reins and drive my own happiness cart. yes, it may be unrealistic for me to just pop out to the Cape and live for a time, while i get my inner centeredness centered.....but, maybe not. maybe not the Cape. maybe my beloved Lake. or next door to my mother. or the adirondacks. or...who knows! there's always sedona & Burning Man! (google it . mmmm, not for me, thanks. not that there's anything wrong with it. i'm just sayin'). so between this life-altering book, and the fact that i FINALLY found a dressmakers mannequin (!!!!!!!) i am recharged with artistic visions! i have 3 in the pot now and could follow this theme for a bit. but i have a way of overextending and the creative juices stop long before the expensive materials run out, so i'll start with one, please, and be grateful for it. here's a hint: it's HUGE. that's all i have to say about that. so tomorrow is my 2nd interview at the insurance place. the scales have tipped in favor of that job for me. the only negative i can come up with is working untill 6pm, rather than 5pm at the other place IF they ever change my job duties. so, we'll see what becomes of me. i hope to have good news by the middle of next week. so get to Barnes & Noble or Borders, or wherever, and get this book....it is so totally wonderful - even if your life is perfect like my friend Gail's. i have life-envy ....wonderfully creative, lab-created husband, she can cook (!), lively, pretty, self-assured, her house is an amazing tribute to "welcome home." Martha Stewart refuses to come to this area because of Gail. it's semi-true. well, i'm not sure if it's true, but you haven't seen MS in the area, now have ya? so it could be true. anyway, stop reading this run-on sentence and go buy the book. maybe we could all go to a By The Sea workshop - even Gail. she could be the "after" picture. (i say all this in absolute love and thankful-that-i-know-you-ness). so strange - i met Gail in one of those meant-to-be ways ...i stepped out of a self-imposed torpor and actually went to a quilt-till-you-wilt type of thing...a friday night hen party at a quilt shop. didn't know anyone, which you know is dicey at best for me. but somehow Gail & i stuck like 2 hydrogen atoms in oxygen. we have the same wedding rings, we have wedding anniversaries that are 1 day apart, we even dated the same guy at one time (although i'm not checking dates too carefully in case it was at the same time). she has put up with my mood swings and cloistering. she is exhuberant, no matter how it's spelled. so anyway, i tell you all this so you know that i do admire her, and when i tease about her life being perfect, it is just that - teasing. there is a deep respect for her hard-earned place in her own heart and her sense of being, and the wonderful way she makes those around her feel. so - a Godiva chocolate to you, Gail, and to the rest of you....have you bought the book yet???? L.

earth wind and fire

ahh, so after reading the title, you were settling in with a nice mocha latte expecting enlightenment - much like this blog's early days. before. well, first, let me introduce you to my friend Nadine...actually, she does a better job of it herself, so check her out at http://www.fiberinspired.com/ . if that doesn't get the muse humming! now, back to my enlightened title. remember the band? the song that goes "roller coaster/SAY WHAT/roller coaster/ooo hooo...etc/ ? well welcome to the midway, my friends! this has been an up and down couple of weeks, let me tell you. as if peri-menopause and PMS aren't enough, throw into the mixing bowl a running attempt at quitting smoking, a husband hell-bent on driving my blood pressure to the moon, and My Job. nuff said about the Job. then out of the blue, a girl i used to work with in Hell appears behind me in line at Wegmans. she tells me about her new job (new in the past year). same job, but different company. Brilliant! Wonderful! effusive adjectives fall from her lips in a confetti of hope for my derailed life. huge salary to start! unlimited opportunity! company doubling in size in the next year! i email my resume that night, and get a call 1st thing tuesday morning. interview on thursday, get called thurs night for 2nd interview on friday. the fri interview gets cancelled due to snow, and is rescheduled for mon. do i dare hope/dream that this will work out? the money isn't outrageous to start, but about $4/hour than i make now WITH hope for normal raises. there are plusses & minuses in each direction, depending on how badly i want to move at the moment i'm doing the tally. by 10am this morning, i'm totally fence sitting. THEN, the hand of God sends me into the Thrift shop across from my Job to buy a baby sized fleece jacket for diva dog (cut off the sleeves and she's warm and oh-so-Little Mermaid fashionable). as i head to the checkout...***GASP***! can it BE? yes! it is!! one - just ONE - of my stolen and discarded coffee mugs from the great coffee mug debacle! my mug on a dirty shelf with all these sad odds and ends and fondue sets and baby dolls with no heads and scrabble games with no z's. tired and sad shoppers wading through lime green platform shoes and breast-less Barbies and chipped china...i imagine them fondling my mugs. my Cafe Du Monde coffee mug! what!? only 25-cents???! it is once again mine. it now sits proudly in its righful place in my cupboard, still bearing it's price tag. the checkout clerk said some guy came in with a bunch of them. i told her i knew - they were mine. she promised to search for "more of them mugs with the writin on em." i trust her. she's the type of woman who's been wronged more than righted. i offered her a commission as well. it made me sad for the rest of my mugs, just when i thought i'd denied all that. anyway, that re-enflamed my resolve to revolt and reinvent and re-address myself. if men were mindreaders, they'd be afraid to come down from the treetop. the equation tipped further when i arrived home to find husband celebrating some holiday unknown to anyone but himself, having just driven up north to view the frozen wasteland of snow for himself (he could have just put up one of his three sheets to the wind rather than waste the gas) with my diva dog in the car. i refuse to comment further on this or my head will physically explode like a watermelon at a Gallagher show. so anyway, the office job looks very goos right now...i can't wait to get through all these Hallmark holidays (valentine's day). too much pressure. i mean, NOT buying a card/present after 5 years of marriage would make a huge statement. and the time is not right for that. but then, what do you buy?? and why?? so my friends, you can see the roller coaster ride that's been going on. by the way, unbeknownst to me, we have changed our internet provider. it's effective next monday. this will necessitate that i get a new email address, so i'll let you know as soon as i do. i've printed all of yours out, but if you email me over the weekend, or early next week and it bounces back, i'm not being rude. we will be keeping both for a week or so, but i don't know how that works. i suspect, not well. but who am i? oh shoot - back to that question! roller coaster...say what? L.

april

whoever said "happiness is a warm puppy" was spot on...charlie brown maybe? ahhh. the cartoon characters of MY era had some substance! no pearls from power rangers, that's for sure. i got up early today, hoping to sketch out some ideas for a project that's been bubbling through my subconcious, but diva dog had other ideas. she needed hugs and pets and reassurance that she was, indeed, loved and adorable. she has a trick - she climbs you till you pick her up. then when you try to put her back on the floor, she twists around and lays on her back in your hands so she's being cradled. no floor for her. just a pink belly rub. it's been freezing frosty cold here, and she is disinclined to go out to potty. i may have to get her a litter box - she thinks she's a cat anyway. so during my shower/meditation time every morning, the month of April keeps coming up. not sure why yet, but there seems to be some great importance to that month (other than the tax man!). i even started planning my surprise 50th birthday party for April, but that doesn't seem to fit. (my birthday is actually in december, but i figured if i was planning my own surprise party, the only thing i could surprise myself with would be the date...i'll never suspect it in April)! so april, hmmm. the other strong thing that comes to me: a house of my own. i've had fantasy houses, but this one is more realistic. more studio than living space! there are houses on either side of my mother's house that seem to be vying for my attention. either would be good prospects, in that 1 small piece of fence could link our back yards and keep out the bad dogs. nikki would have all the room a dog could imagine this side of the rainbow bridge, and have gramma and grampa at her beck and call. heavenly. both houses are small-to-medium sized, which would be very manageable with 2 full time jobs (art & whatever). so i'll keep concentrating and see what gets flung my way! in the meantime, i'll be the cleanest person around! something about that shower! speaking of which.............L

whirlin dervish

my husband just returned from a business seminar in NC. as we ate dinner that night, he was telling me about the hands-on demos they had with centrifuges. in case you aren't a beaker-head, a centrifuge is a round piece of machinery with an inner core that whips test tubes around at g-forces that'll make your head spin - so to speak. kind of like that ride at that state fair that you stand in and as it spins, the floor drops out, but you're plastered against the wall so you don't fall through space. if all goes as planned. anyway, this got me thinking about how the purpose of centrifuge-ing a solution is to seperate it into it's various parts. at the demo, they used milk with chocolate syrup in it. before the whirl, it was chocolate milk. after a few spins, it had seperated into milk fat, some sort of frothy layer, and a clump of pure chocolate at the very end of the test tube. (of course hubby had to dip his finger in and eat it, grossing out the other participants who are used to bacteria and dna type things being in these test tubes). my point is this: the past year has had me whipped and whirled and dazed - much like the centrifugal process. what's now left is the various striations, or layers, of me. what's left to do is pipette off the layers that i no longer need, so just the purified layers will be left. it's time for me to be very picky about what to leave and what to scrape off. (having received my aarp card last week - bastards - i still have time!). this whole card-carrying AARP thing has me thinking about the whole time/who am i theme even more. when i visualize myself in the life i would be living, it is so attainable. i don't want much...a nice little house with a porch, and yard for diva dog to run in. a huge, bright room for art. 2 bedrooms would do. maybe a cellar, but not essential. and the paint - ooohhh! how i would decorate shamelessly! the walls would put any shotgun-wedding cake to shame! cozy, scruffly rugs on the floor. "sticky" couches - the kind you sit in and stick there...they enfold you. maybe a fireplace, but given my luck with them, maybe not. and fiestaware in the kitchen! in fact, the whole house would be a fiestaware tribute. the bathroom would be calm though - colors of my Lake Ontario - sandy tans, seafoam green (now called sage, i believe) and a hint here and there of dark green, blue and a small dash of orange. not sure how the orange fits in, but i want it. my spirit is longing for this house in a way that tells me it will be mine soon. i've never seen this house, and have no idea if it even exists, but i just "know" that it will be mine. Bruce Cockburn, Tunstall, Norah Jones, Rikki Lee, all cued up on the CD player. rusty metal piled up waiting to take shape. friends filling the house with laughter, love, creativity. i long for this time to happen. in the meantime, i'm planning a surprise 50th birthday party for myself. i LOVE having a birthday party! hubby hasn't taken my (blunt blatant) hints for 5 years, so i figured i'm not leaving this one up to chance. in fact, i'm so excitied, that i'm planning it for April, even though my birthday isn't untill December! (that way it'll be a real surprise!). and i'm hoping to treat myself to a week at Artfiber Fest this year. i've been waiting years, and don't think i need to wait any longer. i don't even care if i take a single class! just to be in the company of all those creative people. i am finally not feeling like an imposter. i am finally knowing that i am an artist. i may not do this technique or that one. i may not feel like teaching, or writing a book about my art. that does not make me less of an artist. duh! so, strap on your party tiaras, and watch the floor fall - we're takin things to a new place, my friends! L.

reminder

if you're a new reader to my blog....welcome! i'm honored! please go into the archive section and start at the beginning, though..."saying goodbye." it's worth the effort, and most of the best stuff starts there! the most current stuff seems to be rants on life....the older stuff is more delicious.........L

stolen

i stole this quote...don't tell.... The fact that I am a woman does not make me a different kind of Christian, but the fact that I am a Christian does make me a different kind of woman. For I have accepted God's idea of me, and my whole life is an offering back to Him of all that I am and all that He wants me to be. -Elisabeth Elliot

who am i

so the hoo-ha over the underage drinking party in our house while we were on vacation is over. my stepchildren will be Amish till March 1st. this whole event was a culmination of issues that were brought to the surface and spewed out before us to sort through and repair, clean up, or discard. habits to be tossed. attitudes to take ownership of and change. decisions to make about what to allow in and what to keep out. ideas and ideals. morals and behaviors. ground zero. starting over. "are you with me, or against me?" there was a certain satisfaction in the "i told you so" department of my head (3rd floor...handbags, luggage, and ladies lingerie) when my stepson looked my husband in the eye incredulously and demanded to know why this was a problem - that he'd been partying for a few years and thought my husband knew. but it broke my heart to see the look on husband's face - he had trusted his son to always do the right thing, and given him freedoms accordingly. much like finding out your partner has been having an affair. so the entire family has been stripped raw - down to basics, with no rose-colored glasses. each examining themselves and one another. what we thought was there, turns out was not. the lights came on too soon in the spook house ride. that brought me back to my continuing and insistant thoughts of "who am i?" not an easy question. at first, trying to define it, i had a list of roles that i played in my daily life....wife, stepmother (or stepmonster, as the case may be), clerk, puppy mom, daughter...etc. but are any of those roles "WHO" i am? what do i mean by who? i guess it means my essence. and if that's the definition i work by, then i guess "who" can only be defined as "how." how i react to a situation. or a person. or the sweet smell from the white-budded apple blossoms in the spring. or how the sight of Lake Ontario takes my very soul and flies with it. how i feel like a natural woman. my spiritual core. i envision myself as a kathryn hepburn-esque type inside. definately not what is projected. but why? is it to protect myself? my heart? what? if it's protection, then why bother at all? why keep your jewels in a box? that's like storing away the "good" china....why bother having it if no one can enjoy it? so the protection angle doesn't seem right. maybe i'm living a life that is not mine - a life of neccesity, rather than of truth. that rings a bit more true. at the thought of this morsel, my breath is gone. my brain started the wheels grinding....what is truth? what is real? what is me? much to think about...some things too scary....all exciting. ....L.

untitled

the original intention of this blog was to make a few moments of life a little more thoughtful, a little more 3D, a little more colorful. to share how i look at the world (however skewed that may be sometimes!) and to be able to put down in words, all the wonderful and not-so-wonderful things going on in my life. the past few months have been an incredible trial...losing Bear, then Nikita, marriage struggles, step-kid struggles, and the usual change of season yukkies. i have gone from having my art wrapped tightly around me like a cozy bathrobe, to finding no inspiration whatsoever, then back again. nothing compares to the past 7 days, however. the mental and physical agonies of breaking this nicotine addiction have surpassed anything i've encountered in my life. if you've just met me in the past 15 years, you can't imagine how the previous 15 went! when i was 23, i woke up one morning with crushing pain in my left arm and right elbow. 3 hours later, i was paralyzed. it stayed that way through 3 years of intense and excruciating physical therapy. even the slightest touch on my arm or hand was like being set on fire. i was told i'd never walk or use my hands again. i fought and fought and am completely back to "normal." i tell you this so you underatnd that i am a fighter...a survivor of whatever life has to throw at me. 25 years ago, i walked away from a $1000/week cocaine habit without a second look back. just woke up one morning and said "i'm not going to do this anymore" and didn't. but this nicotine habit...it's a different beast altogether. yesterday i got an email from a friend telling me of the impending death of another...just hours away from death, his body ravaged by lung cancer. and still, i craved. my husbands friend ...another cancer victim from chewing tobacco....about to have part of his tongue cut away. and still i craved. i have cancer running at me from both sides of my family. and still i crave. last night i woke up every 2 hours - my body screaming for nicotine. i caved in. i smoked. was it satisfying? yes and no. i will try again. i know that i can make it at least 7 days. next time, perhaps i'll re-try some of the things that i've tried before - patch, gum, etc. it makes me wonder....they have treatment facilities for alcoholics and drug addicts - why none for smokers? i regret that my hair and clothes and car and hands and breath will smell like the back of a Greyhound bus (or greyhound dog, for that matter). i regret that my life will be measured in 2 hour increments - when will i be able to take a quick smoke break? i regret that i will be self-concious when i kiss my husband. and that my little dog will sneeze when she follows me into the bathroom where i smoke. and that i won't be able to run with her without wheezing. i regret all these things - not to mention the cost financially. but of all the things that life has thrown at me - this one has stuck. i will try again tomorrow. day by day. hour by hour. L.