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the original intention of this blog was to make a few moments of life a little more thoughtful, a little more 3D, a little more colorful. to share how i look at the world (however skewed that may be sometimes!) and to be able to put down in words, all the wonderful and not-so-wonderful things going on in my life. the past few months have been an incredible trial...losing Bear, then Nikita, marriage struggles, step-kid struggles, and the usual change of season yukkies. i have gone from having my art wrapped tightly around me like a cozy bathrobe, to finding no inspiration whatsoever, then back again. nothing compares to the past 7 days, however. the mental and physical agonies of breaking this nicotine addiction have surpassed anything i've encountered in my life. if you've just met me in the past 15 years, you can't imagine how the previous 15 went! when i was 23, i woke up one morning with crushing pain in my left arm and right elbow. 3 hours later, i was paralyzed. it stayed that way through 3 years of intense and excruciating physical therapy. even the slightest touch on my arm or hand was like being set on fire. i was told i'd never walk or use my hands again. i fought and fought and am completely back to "normal." i tell you this so you underatnd that i am a fighter...a survivor of whatever life has to throw at me. 25 years ago, i walked away from a $1000/week cocaine habit without a second look back. just woke up one morning and said "i'm not going to do this anymore" and didn't. but this nicotine habit...it's a different beast altogether. yesterday i got an email from a friend telling me of the impending death of another...just hours away from death, his body ravaged by lung cancer. and still, i craved. my husbands friend ...another cancer victim from chewing tobacco....about to have part of his tongue cut away. and still i craved. i have cancer running at me from both sides of my family. and still i crave. last night i woke up every 2 hours - my body screaming for nicotine. i caved in. i smoked. was it satisfying? yes and no. i will try again. i know that i can make it at least 7 days. next time, perhaps i'll re-try some of the things that i've tried before - patch, gum, etc. it makes me wonder....they have treatment facilities for alcoholics and drug addicts - why none for smokers? i regret that my hair and clothes and car and hands and breath will smell like the back of a Greyhound bus (or greyhound dog, for that matter). i regret that my life will be measured in 2 hour increments - when will i be able to take a quick smoke break? i regret that i will be self-concious when i kiss my husband. and that my little dog will sneeze when she follows me into the bathroom where i smoke. and that i won't be able to run with her without wheezing. i regret all these things - not to mention the cost financially. but of all the things that life has thrown at me - this one has stuck. i will try again tomorrow. day by day. hour by hour. L.