addiction

so it's day 5....still no smoking, but i'm a little nervous about going home. at least here, i have someone to yell at me and refuse to take me to the store. at this point, i'd feel a little embarrassed about asking a stranger for a cigarette. now day 2...that was killer. i would have done just about anything for a smoke. it's been very eye-opening. i have a new understanding of, and appreciation for, drug addicts and alcoholics. yes, i am an addict too. cigarettes are my "legal" drug. after 5 days, i still have moments where the urge is almost beyond what i can bear. almost. i tell myself that in 10 minutes i'll find a cigarette. just 1 drag. i mean, if i was using the patch or gum, i'd still be getting some nicotine in, right? but i have a feeling that i'm like that saying for drinkers - "1 is too many and 1000 isn't enough." yes, i have an "addictive personality." i don't do anything 1/2 way - i go both feet in and up to my neck. good or bad. yes i hate the fact that i look for job based on the potential to take smoke breaks. and if i go to a movie, have to beat feet to the exit AS SOON AS the movie's over, just to smoke. and road trips are planned with smokers only. or i drive, so i can smoke in my own car. there are 1 million ways that smoking controls my life....and as i sit here right now, the thought that i would still do almost anything for 1 drag of a cigarette passing through my body, i know it will be a while before i can go hangin' with smokers in a smoking environment. the withdrawl process is the most horrific thing i have experienced in my life. chills, rash, creepy crawlies in my veins, rage, blurred vision, migraine, constipation (5 days and counting), uncontrollable crying, more rage. i would not go through this again. so if i fail now, it will be the last attempt. yes i know i have cancer racing at me from both sides of the family, but this is truly more than i would be able to go through again. well, the last few hours of vacation are calling.....look for my mixed media piece in the next Cloth,Paper,Scissors magazine!! Yippee! L.