who am i

so the hoo-ha over the underage drinking party in our house while we were on vacation is over. my stepchildren will be Amish till March 1st. this whole event was a culmination of issues that were brought to the surface and spewed out before us to sort through and repair, clean up, or discard. habits to be tossed. attitudes to take ownership of and change. decisions to make about what to allow in and what to keep out. ideas and ideals. morals and behaviors. ground zero. starting over. "are you with me, or against me?" there was a certain satisfaction in the "i told you so" department of my head (3rd floor...handbags, luggage, and ladies lingerie) when my stepson looked my husband in the eye incredulously and demanded to know why this was a problem - that he'd been partying for a few years and thought my husband knew. but it broke my heart to see the look on husband's face - he had trusted his son to always do the right thing, and given him freedoms accordingly. much like finding out your partner has been having an affair. so the entire family has been stripped raw - down to basics, with no rose-colored glasses. each examining themselves and one another. what we thought was there, turns out was not. the lights came on too soon in the spook house ride. that brought me back to my continuing and insistant thoughts of "who am i?" not an easy question. at first, trying to define it, i had a list of roles that i played in my daily life....wife, stepmother (or stepmonster, as the case may be), clerk, puppy mom, daughter...etc. but are any of those roles "WHO" i am? what do i mean by who? i guess it means my essence. and if that's the definition i work by, then i guess "who" can only be defined as "how." how i react to a situation. or a person. or the sweet smell from the white-budded apple blossoms in the spring. or how the sight of Lake Ontario takes my very soul and flies with it. how i feel like a natural woman. my spiritual core. i envision myself as a kathryn hepburn-esque type inside. definately not what is projected. but why? is it to protect myself? my heart? what? if it's protection, then why bother at all? why keep your jewels in a box? that's like storing away the "good" china....why bother having it if no one can enjoy it? so the protection angle doesn't seem right. maybe i'm living a life that is not mine - a life of neccesity, rather than of truth. that rings a bit more true. at the thought of this morsel, my breath is gone. my brain started the wheels grinding....what is truth? what is real? what is me? much to think about...some things too scary....all exciting. ....L.