It has been a while since the women were gathered around my table...last night the conversation and laughter and wine flowed so freely and so vitally that we forgot we had gathered to watch a movie!  Today we moved like zombies through our day, but with a warm, sweet connection.

We are the night ocean filled
With glints of light. We are the space
Between the fish and the moon,
While we sit here together.
Rumi

The Motivated type

I found these in an Etsy shop a while back….

and am totally down with decorating with them!  I'm looking forward to hanging artwork - mine and others' - around my home.  yes - home.  

and maybe this in the kitchen...

am having a love affair with Teal/aqua/orange in a big way this past year.  to my surprise, Kim's guest bedroom is decorated in those colors.  such a gracious hostess, with flowers on the side table waiting for me!  I have some art-to-loan for her that I think she'll like…

today is day 2 of epic weather, so it's off to the trails with Henry.  Make your day special, friend.

you just never know.  you don't.  when a friend calls you asking for advice...you may be the 3rd or 4th or 8th person to hear the dilemma.  it's what we women do..."troubles talk", they call it in all the books.  Men call it hen parties.  we talk it out.  we hug it out.  we come to conclusions as best we can, and move on decisions as they need to be moved on.  and an inkling from this conversation may join up with a spark from that conversation, and become a full-on sparkle by the time it reaches the 4th conversation.  it's what we do, we women.  we mend, we take a piece of this and add it to a piece of that and make a whole cloth.  we patch the thin spots...the holes.  we take the old and make it usable again.  and we do it by talking...by learning from those we've gathered around us like a cloak.  those that haven't tired of the endless swirl until a conclusion is reached...those that have stood in the fulcrum before, or maybe are in the midst of their own swirling reality and are happy to step up/step out for a few minutes/hours/days, in order to perhaps learn from the women they are holding, or perhaps just to hold them.  I have a conclusion.  i have a set course.  at long last.  and i will share it with you as soon as the ink dries.  until then, please know that there has never been a person who appreciates you more than i do these past months...that i fully recognize how exhausting it must have been to be near my swirling heart, and how brave and steadfast you have been.  "thank you" - seems way too little. there needs to be a new word invented. how about "friend?"

today has been All About Henry day, for the most part.  First we walked in the 6-Legged 5K with quite a few hundred other dogs, plus 2 ladies from my Women's Group.  Henry was the very last dog to cross the finish line! in fact, the guy was boxing up the electronic timer clock as we were approaching.  hen conked out on the ride home, then got a 2nd wind, but i had Open Houses to attend, so he got to nap.  the afternoon was a good exercise in elimination.  i honestly don't know how some people can live like they do…nuff said.
Henry & I went back out for a long walk with his girl, then for a ride to check out some neighborhoods.
i am feeling a bit better knowing where to point my arrow, though there are still some hamsters in my head.  some interesting thoughts trying to take root, and i will say - "I AM good enough" to them.  moving towards having conversation besides my situation.  i am boring, in that regard.
time for a cool drink and to put my feet up…best birthday to Mikki, and a fantastic week to y'all!

i think what's kept me chasing the rabbit is that i was never raised or taught to know how to make good decisions…what goes into the process?  the pros, the cons, the nebulous maybes.  So when i'm faced with a Life Decision, i tend to weigh things out to the nth degree.  which makes me an excellent producer or Life Coach or organizer, but makes me feel overwhelmed in my own life.  yes, it's true - i can cut through the bull doodie in your situation…i can see with a laser light precision the black and the white.  and it may be that i need more definitives in my life right now…i need to know THIS or THAT will be the case before i can point my arrow toward the target i choose.  and meanwhile, stop trying to drive a car with no wheels.  figuratively speaking.
stand. rise.



https://youtu.be/aiK7I6kf3S0

Today, I am grateful for choices. And grateful for the luxury of complaints. And again realizing how damn lucky I am to be able to work in radio. All random & unrelated thoughts.  Realizing that most of the time, there is no perfect choice...just the best out of what's presented to you. And that's usually pretty darn good.
I am mostly grateful for you.

oddly, often this is where i come when i have no words…when i need my fingers tapping out letters to sort out thoughts that are unbearable or unspeakable, or when all i want to do is howl or slam a door…then slam it again and again…when i have become raw emotion with no thoughts or plans - just pure. raw. emotion.  and at the same time, feel strangely uncomfortable with the constant negative posts…but i can't be anything but honest with you.
as i sift through the overwhelming task of packing up my studio, then my house, then my life, i'm bombarded with sneak attacks and ambushed with gripping memories that just rip me apart- photos of my dearest Kita and Nikki - bits of fur, saved In Case, which of course came to pass…a photo album of my father and his sisters and brother - all of them gone now.  oh how i would love their advice right now…oh how badly i need them.  I have no one to turn to for advice between this decision or that one, and it keeps me spinning in circles…terrified to make the wrong decision, then feeling like there is no wrong decision, then knowing that i will screw it all up…back and forth and around again.  rinse/repeat.  this is unfamiliar territory…unfamiliar to be so deep for so long.  i'm past the point of not wanting to ask for help - i want the help, but have no one to ask.  yes, i have so many sweet souls to hold and lend willing smiles, and i am deeply grateful for that.  i need someone with a good solid background in reconfiguring a life…the nuts and bolts part…the where-to-live decisions, the how to live decisions.  And someone to sit and hold open a box while i stash away the remnants, marked with a sharpie, to be stored away….somewhere…till…whenever.  from time to time, a sob escapes, and though my soon-to-be ex husband hears it all, he sits and watches a sports show downstairs on a TV he wants to claim as his take away. it is all one big shame.

tomorrow is easter for some…a time of renewal.
for others, Passover -

Passover is the holy and joyous festival that commemorates Israel’s deliverance from bondage in Egypt. The Jews cried out to God in their oppression, and God sent Moses to deliver them.

I need a Moses.

it's times like these that i feel like a rubber band stretched almost past it's boundary.

I hope to have a more uplifting conversation next time…i'm tired of being the one who sucks the joy out of a moment, or at least feeling like that.  i just can't fake this, though. for now, the elephant grows larger. for now. my hope is that this mess will be of use to someone…that someone will feel less alone, less embarrassed by how their emotions have begun to lead them by the nose, and leak out at the most inopportune time…that someone will see that even the strong can be made weak, and that it's okay to be everything to everybody, but equally okay to take time to be nothing to no one also…that someone will see how a friend in need may continue to be a friend in need for a time, and even though it may become tiresome, you may be the only thread that tethers them to this earth.  but it will get better.  it just has to.

Well, hello. I'm en route to home from a few precious days with a Big Heart...one who knew my quietness was just an attempt to keep the raw ugly in for a few days and move toward normal...even if just moment by moment. It was so so good...time to jump on a plane now....

Tears as salty as the ocean.
Back & forth...wondering.
Conflictions and absolutions
Absolutely
Beat down a path
Keep my dreams awake
Keep pouring pitchers of
Tears as salty as the ocean.

I am learning silence.

I am learning, again, to listen.

I am hearing the sound of a clanging bell, and am trying to tune it to a sweet melody of sound...a sound reawakening and remembered...more delicious to hear...

It's all in the breath.

unfold your own myth

one of my favorite poems by Rumi, and included in a recent blog post by Patricia Baldwin Seggebruch.  I have a piece of artwork with this quote included in the collage.  but i turned it in my hand this morning, letting the sunlight sparkle through it…unfold your own myth.  a myth is a magical, yet usually untrue, story we tell.  so, "my own myth" would be a story i've told myself…the beginning of that line of the poem is "Don't be satisfied with stories, how things have gone for others, unfold your own myth."  I always looked at that as meaning that i shouldn't sit on the sidelines watching others' success - that i should leap up and make my own.  that's true.  but another way of looking at it is: unfold, get rid of, the untrue stories you tell yourself…you can't because…or, i am such-and-such - too fat, too old, too slow, too whatever or not enough whatever.
you are.  you are you.  and you were made that way for a reason.  unfold your myth…the tight little wad of paper that has your failings on it…unfold it and float it off somewhere, or burn it in a blazing bonfire.  but whatever YOUR myth is, unfold it.  like an origami dragon, you'll see it's just a piece of paper.
then write the new story of the new myth on that piece of dragon paper.
don't be satisfied when someone says the water is too cold - someone else's myth - someone else's bad experience - someone else's journey… unfold your own.

now i'm off to visit a Rock Fairy and will be MIA for a week.  enjoy your new myth.  i'll be watching...

Can we talk a little more tonight?  I've been on the couch or in bed most of the day with intestinal rage, and feel better now, but am really, really rested.  Henry, unfortunately, has stayed by my side, and is virtually vibrating with energy right now.  He's running the hall...click click click...then boom! Up on the bed.  Then down the hall again like a little monkey in high heels.
I'll blame it on the belly, but today was a day of hopefulness and hopelessness all rolled into one little sushi package.  I'm packing for Florida ...yay!  Henry will be missed....boo.  He's done everything but pee on my suitcase.  The cat has curled on top, then found a way in and curled inside.  This may be an answer to having too many legs to move.  Kidding. But it's difficult - Purrl was a buddy and companion between the time that Nikki passed away and Henry came to live here.  S/he has rules about petting (3 times only) and is generally happier wherever I am not.  But there are a few times during the day when Purrl absolutely needs to tell me s/he appreciates my life here on earth, and that is truly a spectacle.  But in a small area, with a dog who eats kitty poo like candy, what to do?  Right now, our downstairs walk-in shower is where the litterbox is stashed. It works.  But in a smaller place, a Tinier space, there may not be a spot that's workable, and a cat needs a litterbox.  Being clawless, Purrl stays indoors and dreams magical dreams of the outdoors.  And hides in the dryer.
Yep, off on a tangent.
So, while my mirror reflected back hideousness, my heart felt warm and confident.  While I felt grateful for feeling better by late afternoon, I felt completely sad about not being invited to dinner with stepdaughter & her boyfriend. That's the part of this tearing apart that's surprisingly difficult.  It shouldn't be a surprise, but I guess it is.  And I wonder if anyone in the family has any idea why this is happening?  I wonder what they've been told. The wagons are being circled, and I'm still getting used to the idea that my services are no longer wanted. I'm still being asked to perform menial chores...answer: no.  Which is somewhat even more infuriating. Little bully tactics, like walking loudly above my room, or dropping something on the floor - every night- waking Henry and sending him barking and running down the hall, waking me for the zillionth time.  I am looking forward to a string of days with nights of good sleep.  Nights where I don't need to wonder about the alcohol intake vs the artillery in the house.
So again my head swirls to this compass point.
I look forward to days and nights that are filled with my own-ness. Despite the potential for lonely ugly cries.  Despite the certainty for magical growth.
My girlfriend's child at the farmers market:  "but what if a potato doesn't want to be a potato?  Could it be something else when you pull it out of the  ground?"
I've broken through the ground...my roots are growing deep, and my arms stretch upward through the ground, searching for warming light...sunshine to grow with.
My mother used to sing me to sleep...sometimes a lullaby, sometimes Canadian drinking songs...who knew.  But she always sang You Are My Sunshine (but NOT the hideous last verse. I mean, really?). I sing that to Henry because A) I'm freaky like that, and B) I'm kinda singin it to me from her sort of.
Yep, I probably should have wasted this time on Facebook, rather than trail about in circles, dragging words behind me.
The short version in plain English is that today mostly sucked, with moments of sparkles.  Very small moments, but there all the same. Like my fizzy Lush bath. That was good. And I left all the heart-shaped confetti in the tub after.

fear.
Just a 4-letter word.
Fear.
as far as words go, it isn't very remarkable…1 syllable. no crazy tongue twists needed.  a puff of breath and it's out.
yet "fear" the concept…the reality can stop a freight train's worth of life from rolling…can make a molehill into a mountain…can paralyze and procrastinate and cause more havoc than a barrel full of bees.
i remember talking to a suicide caller when i was at 911…needing to keep him on the line till police arrived…i asked him why he was planning to kill himself…he replied that he had lost his job that day…i asked what was the worst case scenario he feared would happen... he was afraid he'd lose his apartment and car and wouldn't be able to buy groceries…i asked if he liked the job he'd lost…no, he hated it - despised it - but it paid the bills…i got you there, i said.  and with all the snow outside - i got you…my brother's lucky to live in Florida, he said…Florida? but do you realize what a great opportunity you now have? i asked.  You can go live in a city with no snow, stay with your brother for a time, until you get on your feet, work at a hateful job there if you have to, but in no snow…yeah, he said, you're right.  i shoulda done that last year when he asked me to come down…
fear.
he was happy when we hung up, and the cop that responded saw he was no actual threat to himself…they chatted a bit, and as far as i know, he made it to his brother's in florida.
i stayed through the winter.  at my hateful job.  and spring.  and summer.  because i had a townhouse and a car and groceries.
what was my worst case scenario…fear kept me there…and that's why i have such a deep gratitude for the circumstance that pushes me out…fear hides under my left arm and creeps up to whisper in my ear…circumstance replies That may be true, but there are no choices left.
given the choice between fear and circumstance…I'd wish for better choices…then remember that i do have them.
fear
fly

it is a trip through the knothole…but the squeeze is good…helping me to sweat out the no-longer-needed, or shoulda-never-had things…ideas, feelings, things.  and in the space that's been left, there's been time for reflection and a clearer sightline…a different horizon…better peripheral vision.  and i feel my compassion growing…and my Understanding growing.  i look at the emotions I am experiencing and hold them to the light like a delicate prism, reflecting them back - wondering if i was ever in a position to help someone feeling this or that, and did nothing, or didn't notice?  was i too wrapped up in my daily drama to notice someone who was breaking?  i think, i'm not proud to say, that i have.  waltzed by - unintentionally - when i coulda shoulda said Come With Me! or There's Room At The Table!  i sat home tonight.  alone.  and although it was to try to head off a cold and get some rest, at some point i realized it was SaTuRdAy night, and all the high school bunk came back to tell a heart and head that if you're home on a saturday night - you are a LOSER.  and if i added a line here to tell you that i did have an offer to meet a friend for drinks and a band, then it would sound, well, high school.
but my whole point here is that these past years, while i've been busy patting myself on the back for being such a nice person, i really could've been paying better attention.  In the church i used to go to, there was a saying that someone was "too heavenly bound to be any earthly good."  in other words they were so busy quoting the Bible at any pin drop, or doing visible Good Works, that they didn't notice the person next to them in need.  i have to wonder what in the world is more important than a friend in need?  whether it's that silent-screaming-hands-wringing life-changing need, or just a deep loneliness need, or even a try-my-cupcakes need.  What could possibly be more important than the ones God has given us to watch and hold under our wing?  Because i believe that we are each Gifted the people in our lives, and have a responsibility to them. the trick is knowing who they are, and when to say yes, and when to say no, and when to simply stay silent.  I've sent my apologies where i've been shown that i dropped the ball, and i promise you an open table to come eat if you're hungry, or just want to hang out with another human.  my tv habits, though minimal, tend to swing lowbrow, so i will give you that warning.  and i will ask of you this one thing:  my mind is like a forest filled with monkeys swinging from trees, and subtleties are very often lost on me…if you need a human to hang with, and you think i'd be that human, please call and ask straight out…just say "I need a human to hang out with, and every other one on the planet is busy, so could I be stuck with you?"  or something similar.  if i have other plans, i will likely include you, so don't be offended or surprised if you're included in something weird, and end up with a tattoo.  nah, most likely i'll be home with popcorn, Henry, and The Real Housewives.  i warned you.

(PS- I've been asked why i don't post more pictures -mostly, more pictures of Henry.  The answer is that Blogger and my email do not get along.  my pictures are in my phone, and blogger hates my phone.  so it is an exercise in near fatal futility to post them.  someday, with Xanax, I will catch you up on the Henster.  he is cuter.)

it was a difficult morning.  the weather seemed to sense the mood and began a drizzly sleet that cut into faces and made the general mood of the entire city....miserable.  I sat in a 9th floor office beginning the ending of my marriage.  it was a difficult morning.  the first of a few more to follow.  not to make more of it than it was...not to compare it to Actual Feats Of Courage and Misery...but i felt like i needed to take a deep breath and move forward into a major medical procedure...how my sister(s) must have felt when she was to begin having a nasty drip of toxins start running her veins to kill the killer in her breast and body.  no, not the courage needed for that journey - that's Real Courage.  but i wanted to put my arms out across the door frame and not have to go into the room, like giving a cat a bath.  and then i got an email from a Tejas tootsie that gave me a heartbeat back, and a text from my sister wife that helped my lungs take in breath.  and my HeadReel changed from" I can't i can't i can't" to "bring it bring it bring it."  And i looked out the window at the exact minute that the skyscraper clock flashed 11:11 in giant red numbers.  so cool.
 This will be difficult... I think there will be times when i will feel every type of pain and rage in my life...i assure you i am way down on that list, already.  And am grateful for my job...a reason...a purpose...a distraction.  and i am grateful for the prayers and good thoughts you've sent me.  it's very strange to be on the receiving end.  but i thank you.
and now - to work...

i went into this sideways…this studio purge today.  After meeting a friend for brunch, i took a 3 hour nap…the exhaustion of pushing back against a bully finally getting me to lay down and rest.  i felt i had a deadline to meet with this purge, as a fellow artist is coming here tomorrow to cart off the remnants and un-fittable pieces and bits.  one thing i pulled down - a bag filled with cards and notes and scraps of things sent and given to me.  a gift bag that i'd filled with the gift of love.  a few of the notes were from women friends who have passed, and many from friends who no longer keep in touch by mail or email, but by the heart.  and i realized how years and years ago i wished them well, but with some - a tinge of jealousy scorched the edges of my love for them.  and jealousy and love cannot co-exist…no wonder why the heartstrings frayed and burned. so much clarity in that bag.  so much love.  so much howling from my heart…missing some…missing most…missing them all for each their own reason.  i long to gather them in the flesh, to dance around a huge bonfire…to say yes yes yes to each one, and to say I'm Sorry to some, though they may not know why.

tonight i found a container of porcupine quills. this amidst a steady stream of porcupine imagery coming to me the past few weeks….

"It's important for you to move along at your own pace rather than hurrying because of pressure from others or external circumstances.
There's no need to worry, because you're well protected…so relax and enjoy whatever you're doing.
Trust that you will be respected as long as you respect others.
Know that you have magical abilities as long as you maintain faith in yourself."

-Animal Spirit Guides

yeah, like that.
I sent out an email or two to friends whose ties have shredded a bit, honoring them and the place they've held in my heart…inviting them to go deeper if they wish, or remain remembrances.  either way is a good place…to have known these amazing women as closely as i have - that's been mind-blowing enough.  i'm proud to say i've walked beside them.  and perhaps they have needed the invitation…perhaps i am not the only one walking a precious and precarious path right now.

so i invite you in to my heart…to walk together, you and i…to hold a place of honor and respect and joyfulness and dancing around a bonfire together.  perhaps by the seashore, perhaps in the piney woods…..

whew!  Blogger let me in to my own blog!

Lately I've been designing designing designing…closet doors that look downright Moorish...

cubbies and closets and storage and all manner of creating space for stuff…to maybe fit into a Small area…just sayin'…

not necessarily a Tiny area, but mos def a Small one.  And as I make space for Stuff, I'm making Space.  re-clearing the clutter that seems to accumulate around my feet and sticks in my toes…the day to day stuff-and-junk that threatens to weigh my feet down.  i have created a Promise…a ritual, i guess you'd say.  each morning before i open my eyes, before Henry rolls on his back for a belly rub, i ask to go through the day with Grace and Dignity, and to hear the voice of God loudly and to follow the right steps for the day.  that is my prayer.  and i say "loudly" because i need to hear it loud - subtlety is lost on me.  you may know that from knowing me.  if you need me to do something, or have a request, hints are lost on me.  just say it.

these are days when i'm re-finding my worth, and wondering if I am enough for myself?  do i need to be more - is it time to stretch, or stay put?  a number of things have put that question before me - watching the youngers surpass…is it finally my time to stop cleaning up everyone else's circus and get busy planting my garden?  i think so.  what am i willing to hold onto in order to fly light enough to achieve what i want?  what am i willing to let go of has been answered…as i purge and re-purge my current space…art supplies again being packed up to go to new homes, clothing being dropped at the Thrifty in great bundles.  now to lighten up the personal weight…the head…the heart…the hips.  in that order.  redefining priorities.  making room for them and nothing else…no have-to's.  too late in life for that.  

Henry is just about crazed at the idea of his Best Girl coming over to play, so time to wrap it up.

Dream…

Be True To Yourself.

(sorry about the creepy woman in this video)

some kind of violin fascination lately...

i’m restless. things are calling me away. my hair is being pulled by the stars again. –anais nin

randomness:

I am.  feeling restless.  sitting on a mad bull in the shute…rope wrapped around my hand…arm up…waiting for the door to open and let the ride begin…it is my rodeo, but i am not the ringmaster.

Lola is staying with me for a few days.  she is flouncy and cute.  henry loved her.  for a moment.  then when bedtime came…"wait - whaaaat??"  but he's been so good.  they curl together - Hen making sure Lola doesn't get closer to me than he does.  i was nearly knocked out of my own bed last night.  good to have company.

friday night:


gets me every time.  Thank you Judi.

Counting moments till I'm Kimward bound!!  With a side order of Other??

then this email came...

Linda, honey, you're totally hot right now. Please don't wait a few years to give yourself permission to see who you are and love every second of it.

You're supernatural, totally amazing, with a graceful swagger, healing touch, and a mesmeric, melodious voice. YOU were the Universe's first choice "who to be next," all those years ago, and that choice is still alive and well.

Happy March, Hottie!

At the most best possible moment.  i got this.  hummmmming.

I had the singular pleasure of spending an annual fall week in the New Hampshire woods with Jonatha and 149 other women…making art…making friends, lifelong strong bonds…learning our Selves…breaking open, expanding, healing…and eating the most fantastic food every prepared.  I haven't been back in a number of years, and the focus and fizz has changed a bit, but it stays in my heart…a warm little thump-thump that can sneak up on me and fill my eyes from time to time…it's the, well, everythingness of it…the smell of pine and balsam and the water lapping at the back door step and the incessant howling of laughter from warm-lit cabins at night - and these are the darkest of dark nights, with no street to light…the clink of wineglasses…the crackle of huge fireplace fires…the sharing of snacks and stories and hearts…i miss this…but it taught me what i needed to create and make space for in my "regular" life.  and i have.  except for a rock star serenading us around a wild campfire, i have created a circle of women who want to gather and get messy together - heart-wise and paint-wise.  and as i look for my next roof, i am consciously aware of my safety zones…the need for financial safety balanced with room to gather.  what am i willing to sacrifice of one to have the other?  because in my world right now, as it is evolving, there won't be room for both to the fullest that i would want.  maybe. i am visualizing what i want…have been for years.  and am ready to take a step toward a good compromise - one that is comfortable in every sense.  i giggle.