a Tiny description

a full time artist, stepmother, radio personality, and mom to an energetic Chug dog, tries to get through the days without committing a felonious act. My life is a rickety Zen circus.


Sunday, March 22, 2015

Just a 4-letter word.
as far as words go, it isn't very remarkable…1 syllable. no crazy tongue twists needed.  a puff of breath and it's out.
yet "fear" the concept…the reality can stop a freight train's worth of life from rolling…can make a molehill into a mountain…can paralyze and procrastinate and cause more havoc than a barrel full of bees.
i remember talking to a suicide caller when i was at 911…needing to keep him on the line till police arrived…i asked him why he was planning to kill himself…he replied that he had lost his job that day…i asked what was the worst case scenario he feared would happen... he was afraid he'd lose his apartment and car and wouldn't be able to buy groceries…i asked if he liked the job he'd lost…no, he hated it - despised it - but it paid the bills…i got you there, i said.  and with all the snow outside - i got you…my brother's lucky to live in Florida, he said…Florida? but do you realize what a great opportunity you now have? i asked.  You can go live in a city with no snow, stay with your brother for a time, until you get on your feet, work at a hateful job there if you have to, but in no snow…yeah, he said, you're right.  i shoulda done that last year when he asked me to come down
he was happy when we hung up, and the cop that responded saw he was no actual threat to himself…they chatted a bit, and as far as i know, he made it to his brother's in florida.
i stayed through the winter.  at my hateful job.  and spring.  and summer.  because i had a townhouse and a car and groceries.
what was my worst case scenario…fear kept me there…and that's why i have such a deep gratitude for the circumstance that pushes me out…fear hides under my left arm and creeps up to whisper in my ear…circumstance replies That may be true, but there are no choices left.
given the choice between fear and circumstance…I'd wish for better choices…then remember that i do have them.

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