it is a trip through the knothole…but the squeeze is good…helping me to sweat out the no-longer-needed, or shoulda-never-had things…ideas, feelings, things. and in the space that's been left, there's been time for reflection and a clearer sightline…a different horizon…better peripheral vision. and i feel my compassion growing…and my Understanding growing. i look at the emotions I am experiencing and hold them to the light like a delicate prism, reflecting them back - wondering if i was ever in a position to help someone feeling this or that, and did nothing, or didn't notice? was i too wrapped up in my daily drama to notice someone who was breaking? i think, i'm not proud to say, that i have. waltzed by - unintentionally - when i coulda shoulda said Come With Me! or There's Room At The Table! i sat home tonight. alone. and although it was to try to head off a cold and get some rest, at some point i realized it was SaTuRdAy night, and all the high school bunk came back to tell a heart and head that if you're home on a saturday night - you are a LOSER. and if i added a line here to tell you that i did have an offer to meet a friend for drinks and a band, then it would sound, well, high school.
but my whole point here is that these past years, while i've been busy patting myself on the back for being such a nice person, i really could've been paying better attention. In the church i used to go to, there was a saying that someone was "too heavenly bound to be any earthly good." in other words they were so busy quoting the Bible at any pin drop, or doing visible Good Works, that they didn't notice the person next to them in need. i have to wonder what in the world is more important than a friend in need? whether it's that silent-screaming-hands-wringing life-changing need, or just a deep loneliness need, or even a try-my-cupcakes need. What could possibly be more important than the ones God has given us to watch and hold under our wing? Because i believe that we are each Gifted the people in our lives, and have a responsibility to them. the trick is knowing who they are, and when to say yes, and when to say no, and when to simply stay silent. I've sent my apologies where i've been shown that i dropped the ball, and i promise you an open table to come eat if you're hungry, or just want to hang out with another human. my tv habits, though minimal, tend to swing lowbrow, so i will give you that warning. and i will ask of you this one thing: my mind is like a forest filled with monkeys swinging from trees, and subtleties are very often lost on me…if you need a human to hang with, and you think i'd be that human, please call and ask straight out…just say "I need a human to hang out with, and every other one on the planet is busy, so could I be stuck with you?" or something similar. if i have other plans, i will likely include you, so don't be offended or surprised if you're included in something weird, and end up with a tattoo. nah, most likely i'll be home with popcorn, Henry, and The Real Housewives. i warned you.
(PS- I've been asked why i don't post more pictures -mostly, more pictures of Henry. The answer is that Blogger and my email do not get along. my pictures are in my phone, and blogger hates my phone. so it is an exercise in near fatal futility to post them. someday, with Xanax, I will catch you up on the Henster. he is cuter.)