a Tiny description

a full time artist, stepmother, radio personality, and mom to an energetic Chug dog, tries to get through the days without committing a felonious act. My life is a rickety Zen circus.

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Saturday, April 04, 2015

oddly, often this is where i come when i have no words…when i need my fingers tapping out letters to sort out thoughts that are unbearable or unspeakable, or when all i want to do is howl or slam a door…then slam it again and again…when i have become raw emotion with no thoughts or plans - just pure. raw. emotion.  and at the same time, feel strangely uncomfortable with the constant negative posts…but i can't be anything but honest with you.
as i sift through the overwhelming task of packing up my studio, then my house, then my life, i'm bombarded with sneak attacks and ambushed with gripping memories that just rip me apart- photos of my dearest Kita and Nikki - bits of fur, saved In Case, which of course came to pass…a photo album of my father and his sisters and brother - all of them gone now.  oh how i would love their advice right now…oh how badly i need them.  I have no one to turn to for advice between this decision or that one, and it keeps me spinning in circles…terrified to make the wrong decision, then feeling like there is no wrong decision, then knowing that i will screw it all up…back and forth and around again.  rinse/repeat.  this is unfamiliar territory…unfamiliar to be so deep for so long.  i'm past the point of not wanting to ask for help - i want the help, but have no one to ask.  yes, i have so many sweet souls to hold and lend willing smiles, and i am deeply grateful for that.  i need someone with a good solid background in reconfiguring a life…the nuts and bolts part…the where-to-live decisions, the how to live decisions.  And someone to sit and hold open a box while i stash away the remnants, marked with a sharpie, to be stored away….somewhere…till…whenever.  from time to time, a sob escapes, and though my soon-to-be ex husband hears it all, he sits and watches a sports show downstairs on a TV he wants to claim as his take away. it is all one big shame.

tomorrow is easter for some…a time of renewal.
for others, Passover -

Passover is the holy and joyous festival that commemorates Israel’s deliverance from bondage in Egypt. The Jews cried out to God in their oppression, and God sent Moses to deliver them.

I need a Moses.

it's times like these that i feel like a rubber band stretched almost past it's boundary.

I hope to have a more uplifting conversation next time…i'm tired of being the one who sucks the joy out of a moment, or at least feeling like that.  i just can't fake this, though. for now, the elephant grows larger. for now. my hope is that this mess will be of use to someone…that someone will feel less alone, less embarrassed by how their emotions have begun to lead them by the nose, and leak out at the most inopportune time…that someone will see that even the strong can be made weak, and that it's okay to be everything to everybody, but equally okay to take time to be nothing to no one also…that someone will see how a friend in need may continue to be a friend in need for a time, and even though it may become tiresome, you may be the only thread that tethers them to this earth.  but it will get better.  it just has to.

1 comment:

Denise Feldman said...

hello beautiful! thinking of you today ss we settle in to mom's house for a quick week of "spring break". Know that you're never far from my mind -
Denise