studio update

wow.  i convinced husband to stagger* up the stairs and help me turn the huge worktable so that the shorter side was against the window wall.  this would leave more room on either side where the shelving is, and also leave a giant ledge so there would now be seating on 3 sides.  he was doubtful* that it could be done, but with a little cajoling*, we tried and succeeded!
this room looks even bigger, and there is plenty of room for my away-from-home studio stuff when it's time for it to come home.  well, most of it.  some will end up on the free pile, i think.  but that's fine - it's there to organize, not to love forever.  so knowing when to say when, i'll stop for tonight, but have a big work day planned tomorrow!
any ideas for storing small assemblage bits so they can be seen but secure?  i have to see my stuff or i forget i have it.

*understatement

i have been working on clearing my studio out to prepare for the new flooring.  it isn't going to work.  well, it would work - it is exactly possible but...i would need to spend all of my free time for the next few weeks indoors and working on moving everything to this side of the house, lay the floor and then move it all to that side of the house and lay the floor there.  then reassemble.  only to redo yet again when my away-from-home studio comes home.  i choose no.  i gave 1 very full-and-not-over-yet day to  clearing out some of a 10' work table.  i have a trunk load of stuff for the free pile, and the garbage men will hate me next wednesday.  but it is more important to me to have the spring and summer outside.  or  just not doing this project.  again.  so i'll finish clearing out the table (all the storage beneath, as well as the top), and see if we can turn it so it's facing short to long, instead of long to short.  that feels like a better configuration.  and so much of the stuff stored below was just stuff.  things i held onto for what reason?  who knows.  but away it will go.  next weekend is the community-wide garage sale, and i had hoped to pick up a chaise for this studio, but i honestly don't know if i want 1 more stick of furniture in here!  yes i do :)  i envision a bright raspberry chaise in leather or plether or some easy-wipe fabric that's paint and kitty resistant.  ok, back to work.

I am reading Paulo Coelho's newest book,  Manuscript Found in Accra.  His books move me back to center.  His books read my heart back to me.  this one is no exception.  i would love to meet him someday, but i know words would just fail me and i'd stand there in a puddle of tears, so it's best not to wish for that - spare us both!
Lately I've felt (even more) socially out of step...misreading cues when it's my turn to talk, feeling itchy in social situations.  And feeling like I talk too much and say too little, mostly.  and i try to be a good conversationalist - try to ask the questions that, not only are polite, but that i truly want to know about.  without turning the answers into a story about me or my experiences... try to break the old mindset that if i don't verbally vomit everything everything, then they may not ask - it's almost like begging someone to get to know me.  but the weird thing is that i never consciously felt that no one wanted to know me, so i could be wrong - maybe i just talk a lot.  and that bothered me, because i know a talker, and it sucks to hang up the phone and all you did was listen and never got a chance to talk.  so now you're going to be hyper-aware of all this when we talk, right?  oy.
But in Paulo's book (see - there was a point), it talks about going out and just being yourself, in much more eloquent terms.  i call it "living outwardly."  there is nothing that can drag you out of the dumps better than smiling at people when you pass them - not in some crazed, tripping on acid way.  but a friendly smile can make The Difference in someone's life.  I've talked about this before...the day that tried to drag me back to hell with it - and someone held a door for me and smiled at me.  that was all it took, i swear.  it turned my entire day around.  there was something in that small act of kindness that just made it work...made me stop my internal swear-fest and look outside my head to see a world on the other side of my eyeballs.  when i leave the house Every Day for real, I thank God for that wretched day - for every single thing that went wrong just so i could learn that the power of changing the world is a smile.  if i'm having a bad day, i'll name every domino that fell in that bad, wretched day, and remind myself that a bad day is an even more perfect opportunity to learn fantastical things.  and guess what - mostly it works and if nothing else, it takes the power away from the falling dominos and gives it back to you, and YOU decide what to do with the pieces...make lemonade, or let the juice continue to squirt you in the eye.  sometimes, like earlier this past week, when the contractor leaves sheetrock dust All Over The House Including The Hardwoods and it requires many hours of vacuuming and washing and re-washing because it turned to mud and ruined the finish and you cry, sometimes on a day like that - you just stay inside because you know you'll damage someone's karma and you may say fuck dominos falling and i refuse to be thankful for this.  but then you are, because thank God you didn't have him paint.
meanwhile, i have on my To Do list, well, many things.  I have:
1) empty studio
2) if "1" is too overwhelming, go to crawfish festival
3) find capri pants and shorts
4) bag up last year's clothes & donate (You Are NOT that size anymore.  Adjust)

i am leaning toward #2, only because how often is there a crawfish festival in town?  although i once went to houston for one, and when i saw the actual crawfish, i just couldn't eat them...i mean, they serve them with the heads on all looking at you.  i need more distance.  so maybe i should just go with #1.
:sigh:
wishing you a day of brilliant options and smiles given and received.  and glitter, for some reason.

prepared to be inspired

have you ever been too afraid to do something huge?  have you ever been afraid to be afraid?  watch Miss Yeh and know that you can transform the world

ugh!  I came home from playing with Mary, took one look at my studio and just wanted to nap.  i am overwhelmed with this task of emptying out.  there's still so so so much in here.  but i have to get it done n-o-w.  grrr.

make mine rose colored

I am so excited today! My friend Mary (who's feet don't touch the ground, i swear) will be in town briefly!  There are some people who make you be a better self.  She is one of them.  i don't know how she does it - her life is no less stressful then anyone else's, yet she handles it with grace.  me?  a rickety zen circus.  sometimes graceful, sometimes it seems like a ball of chaos like PigPen in Charlie Brown.  There have been role models of this calm, grace, trust-that-it-will-work-out women sent to my life on a consistent basis, but it's only recently that I can look back and see the beautiful daisy chain of them all.  and i think maybe it's time for me to carry the torch, as well.
after weeks of number crunching, husband has come to see that there is no financial way to get a boat.  it breaks my heart to see his disappointment, but we will take the next year to get our war chest built up so he can walk in with a briefcase of loot and sail away.  till then, i'll have to be his dream boat.ok - time to shower & pick Mary up.  filter well, my friends!

Dear Remarkable Girl, When you wake up tomorrow morning, sweet friend, beside your bed will be all of the different pairs of glasses that you get to choose to put on to see your world through for the day. It is amazing how this very important decision changes everything, and deciding to put on glasses of truth, optimism, goodness and gratitude will make everything more beautiful, more bearable and ever more fun. The flip side is that we can all choose to put on glasses of fear, pessimism, anger, resentment and dread too -- and our whole day and everything we see and do will be seen through that kind of filter. Once again, it is amazing how this one important decision at the beginning of the day can change the way we see and experience EVERYTHING. Soooo beautiful girl, which glasses will you choose to put on? Remember that you can also choose to put down the yucky glasses and put on the good ones at any point in the day, and remember remember remember that when the day is over, put it all away and just BE. Reflect on the beauty of the day and just BE. You are so very very very loved. xoxox Need help or have question? Please contact support@bravegirlsclub.com

quieting

have been feeling the need to become quiet and centered...feeling a pull to the spiritual...feeling highly tuned intuition and sensory aspects of myself pulling me towards - what?  who knows, but there's a lot going on for certain...misunderstandings have led to friendships breaking and falling away...scattered limbs like pick-up sticks of once strong trees rooted in hearts...so many more misunderstandings coming full circle to deeper friendships after apologies and explanations - mouth of the snake grabbing her own tail making the bond even stronger, self now holding self...it's been a raucous few weeks as all this sifting and shifting and planting and nurturing has been going on...i felt myself begin to spin with it, till i was reminded to settle down by a friend.  this has, indeed, been the spring of new growth and change.  and feeling the need to step aside and feed my spirit, i said Yes to 3 days of magic...3 days that have danced just outside my grasp for a few years now...and now i see why, as a friend has jumped up to say Yes also...she will join me as the lake washes away and washes in, and eucalyptus and tea and shimmering moonlight restores our hearts and our spirits...thank you, eb.  thank you judi.  thank you barbara.  thank you kim. thank you broken branches.  thank you seedlings.  thank you all for what you are bringing.  i pray my offering to you is equal.

LATE NOTE: the image of the snake (above) came to me so strong and so undeniably right as i wrote those lines above - demanding my attention.  I looked up "snake" in my animal spirit guides book...i quote: You're about to go through some significant personal changes, so intense and dramatic that an old self will metaphorically die as a new self emerges.  you're going to feel a surge of energy that will sharpen your senses, alert your mental faculties, and open up new channels of awareness...you're about to experience a dramatic and unexpected physical or emotional healing very soon, coming from an unexpected source.
wowa.

monday's post #2

yes - still sitting at this desk.  In my pj's.  and it's almost time to start planning dinner.
yesterday was a push/pull of magic and emotions...we set out to an art exhibit in a nearby town, but i knew husband was just.wanting.to.see.a.boat.for.sale.  all like that.  so we changed course.  because i insisted.  and of course, we found The Perfect Boat.  of course.  well, mostly perfect.  the estimate he had on costs was quite a bit off.  and he is still having to pay for a loan he co-signed that has been defaulted on, soon to be joined by a second loan of the same ilk.  i know this is rubbing his insides raw, and i can't stop it.  it is as infuriating to me, with the added bonus of knowing this was a loan we agreed to absolutely not co-sign.  and he did.  so anyway - back to the magic.  Magic!  i thought The Perfect Boat was named "Magic," however it was something similar - i misread the paint.  the day was warm and a slight breeze from the south made it awesome.  we got some off-the-diet-by-a-lonshot food and ate near the lake, listening to the waves shush into the shore. such a beautiful day, following an evening filled with bonfires and neighbors and sweet re-establishing of friendships hidden in the winter snow.  funny neighborhood - all spring & summer, we gather around bonfires, kids toasting marshmallows and shrieking with the pure joy of being up past bedtime...dogs run free, running in circles around the cul-de-sac.  with the snow, we all retreat indoors...waving as we pass in our cars, but not really gathering.  Saturday was our first seasonal bonfire, and we had the added bonus of new neighbors - with kids!  there is something so lively about having a street full of children playing together like wild ponies.  the weekend brought a few tears when i realized my freedom to pick-up-and-go boat shopping or to stay out around a bonfire without watching the clock - this came at a price.  i no longer needed to make arrangements for someone to watch my diva.  husband knew where my thoughts would turn from time to time, and he let me have my moment while he hugged me.  yes, this is the same husband.  so.

a cousin's child has been given the archives of family photos from my beloved uncle who sold his house to live in a swanky senior place.  the pictures are being added to a photo page, and i check it everyday for new images.  so much comes rushing back, that's it's difficult to look sometimes.  i miss my father and wish i could have more time with him.  i miss the loss of family connections so very much.  and that's all i can say for now, i think.  there aren't words - just deep emotions.

so before i have you in tears, i should eat lunch and go finish my collage.

bye for now.

use your inside magic!

I pinged and ponged around some blogs and websites this morning and came across Elsa Mora's blog.  She is, well, go see for yourself.  I'll wait.  Here's the line that got me:

Was I was slightly smarter than my peers?  Probably not. Many of my screwed up neighbors and friends were smart, even though some  ended up in jail, or even dead. Was it that I was touched by some special light?    Not at all. Those stories about “special lights” are made to trick us into believing that good things happen only if something outside of us does the magic.

Today - wishing you shimmers and sparkles and a full comprehension of your inner magic!  Oh it'll be a great day!

such a happy song (?)  tumbling from ear to ear.  nothing like a ukelele to make it all good

to diva

(Brian Andreas)

yeah.  having a moment.

diamonds

my new musical obsession....







Well I spoke to this man,
He said he'd been to the moon,
Carved his name in the ground,
So the world spinning round
Came back that afternoon

And I laughed at this man,
He said he'd been lost at sea,
Heard the sirens call,
Seen the pirates fall
To the monsters in the deep

I said I'd heard some tall tales,
Some good stories in my time
So I asked him for proof,
And he showed me the truth
That was dancing in his eyes

Well I could not believe this man,
Said he was a millionaire
Said I know I dress in rags
But I drive a vintage jag,
And have diamond chandeliers

I said I think I need a drink
And made my way outside
You know I'd swear this was a spoof,
If it wasn't for the truth
That was dancing in his eyes

When I came back in the room
The man had disappeared
He'd left a rock from the moon,
An eye patch and a diamond from a chandelier

I think of my life’s work as a celebration of all of nature, an orchestra that plays not the sounds of one musician, the music of one species, but rather an expression of all of nature’s songs.Gregory Colbert
and so begins the very first glimmer into the amazing, wondrous look at the world through the eyes of Gregory Colbert.  Spend some time here quietly and reverently.  see everything.  everything.  everything.

free stuff? free stuff!!

it's true - I'm here procrastinating.  sort of.  I'm actually just taking a break between naps.  nah - I've been working like a steamroller this week, helping a friend get her office in tip top organizational shape.  it's one of my very favorite things to do.  As long as i get to do it my way at first, then tweak the system or layout so that it works perfect for the actual user.
and now i am starting on the layout of my "NeW" in-home studio.  yes, in-home.  I am letting my Big Girl studio go in July when my lease is up.  I am not being as productive as I should be there, although I love love love being in the midst of a community of artists.  I also like the option of rolling out of bed to paint or assemble, or staying up late to paint or assemble.  so the best option is to make my current home studio space naked.  remove everything (somehow) and lay down some vinyl flooring so that my paint & water don't seep through to the livingroom ceiling.  then i'll feel better about working at home again.  I spent the morning measuring the room and will be figuring out the layout at some point today. when i envisioned my huge work table turned sideways, rather than being a big block in the middle of the room, it all seemed wonderful.  the table has a cutout for my sewing machine, and my husband originally built it for me to make my massive quilts on.  i hate to cut it up, and now i see i won't have to.  just need to figure out a new configuration of the built-in shelves and spaces below it.  That will preserve the jewelry-making task area i already have, which works very well.
so in the midst of all this measuring and graph-paper drawing, i realized that it was easier to move bits of paper around, as opposed to mondo heavy furniture, so i googled decorating templates or something like that, and found Life Your Way printables.  Free printables.  That organize Your Life! and got sucked right into the vortex that is their website.  I have a true addiction to organizing (yes, that's my husband laughing).  i am a hoarder of tote bags and sterlite containers.  i just want to rodeo up my life, i suppose, and put it in order.  there - saved you a year's worth of counseling.  but if i am turned loose, i will organize.  husband just keeps stepping in the flow of it, wanting things his way, so it never gets done.  we standoff.  or gridlock.  children that we are.  but back to the free printables.  there are organizers for every single thing in life.  everything.  and i now need a binder to put all my lists and sheets of organizer thingies in.  i would just love to do this for a living.  organize.  and event plan.  but i should do something, i suppose.  so i'll go have a snack and get back to work.  or maybe go for a walk. or buy a binder.

the best and bravest week

                                                                                 (photo by Thea Coughlin)

how we roll

why do we make things so difficult??

imprint (or "talk to the paw")

yesterday's mail brought a bubble pack envelope addressed to my husband from an address i didn't recognize.  it is within my job title to open any & all mail that arrives here - no matter who it's addressed to.  i generally open everything, even his personal mail, because it gets lost in a huge vortex in his office...a babylon of junk mail, sailing magazines, work RFQ's, and probably snacks.  so i open and find the proper place for them.  this appeared to be yet another Camillus Knife won on ebay.  who needs so many?? but.  it's harmless and cheap, so i remain silent.  but instead of ebay winnings, out came a round white pancake which, when turned over, had a tiny paw print and some white fur-hairs embedded in it.  the name Nikki was stamped in a semi-circle around it.  and i don't need to tell you how emotional i got.  i took it over to the container with her ashes (that has her pretty-pink-collar-with-jewels-on-it around the box) and set it on top, next to Kita's and next to Bear's.  slightly in front, because that's how she rolled when she was alive.  I don't know how long it takes to heal over.  i wish i could say.  because people have asked...some wanting the information for their own heart, and some impatiently not understanding the grief that makes itself comfortable in your heart "even when it's just a pet" that you lose sight of.  i'll ask the cat, because (s)he's been constantly sleeping in all of diva's places...all the places that smell of her.  and i am not ashamed to say that i have a towel that smells of her from her last bath that i will never wash.  that when i feel most missing her, i take a big lungful of her.
i have a new friend from the building, Erin Meharg, who makes "vessels for newly sacred objects," which is reliquary jewelry.  I have the capability of making these for myself, but would never get through it.  so Erin & I will discuss.  She is a beautiful heart.  even if she just beat me out of a studio i wanted :)
so before i go on in this sad vein, which i never intended, it's shower time.  then meeting my stepson for coffee.
have a beautiful day.....

what a week of ups and downs and twists and turns moving waaay too fast and waaay too slow.  that about sums it up.  okay bye now.
well, there has been some amazing rumbling of an explosive geyser of goodness going on just below the surface.  and some amazing coincidences piling up to point in one direction.  not sure where it will lead, but am certain that the map will unfold for me, so i'm chillin as i walk.  mostly.  there have been moments of abject terror and surroundings of intense loneliness, but just as it seems like i am at the pinnacle of what can be endured, i'll get a PiNg of a text or email or phone call, and it was the exact right thing at the exact right moment.  so i will battle all that away, knowing it's a lie.

does the name "Dornan" mean anything to anyone?

so today i'm off to haunt my studio - am looking into a bigger one on the 2nd or 3rd floor...just missed one by a moment the other day!  i have faith & confidence that the right studio will be there at the right time and for the right price.  with zero income, it's hard to negotiate :)  I need a patron!  with $350/month extra cash laying around to pay my rent!  oooh that sounds so... haux.  but i will believe for it.

thank you.

wouldn't be prudent

yes.  i believe what i said about cosmetics and wigs and body image and the like.  however.  let me strongly  suggest - strongly, as in requirement - strongly, as in Trust Me On This - my advice is that you bring someone of sound mind with you, should you decide to make a (non-refundable) wig purchase.  yes.  sober and of sound mind.  because although i was yes indeedy sober, i have to question what the hell i was thinking when i walked out of Hot Cocoa's looking like a very cheap ho.  And to his credit, his absolute proof of manhood, my brother said nothing when we met for lunch, the 3 of us - myself, my brother, and my hair - other than mentioning that he noticed it Right Away And From A Mile Away, and in such a tone that belied his thoughts, which had he shared them must have been something like WHAT IN THE WIDE WIDE WORLD OF SPORTS IS SHE THINKING???  The Hell.
And i promise you, those that said they liked it, that i will not hold it against you - what could a person do in that position??  when asked, "so...?" knowing that the ask-er has been feeling like less than their fabulosity normally lets them feel...feeling a drifting purposelessness...feeling un-artistic and un-pretty and all those I'm So Exhausted lies that are perpetrated upon our brains as women when we, indeed, are tired.  and Lyme's is Tired with a capital "T."  that rhymes with toupe.
so the one strongly honest comment i got was an email response to a picture i sent - it said this:  

HA HA HA ...I would love it even more if it had some green tinge on the ends.  (i will not ID the writer)
and a text that said : Ummmmm...

please believe me that i appreciate your honesty - i truly do.  because i do not know what was going on in my head at the time Miss Cocoa was whipping fake hair on and off my head saying that I had gotten my sexy on for sure with this one.  she did stand between me and the dimly lit mirror quite a lot, and it seemed rude - even dangerous - to push her aside so i could get a real good look, and so intent was i on leaving there with some new bangin' hair, that, well, she could hardly be faulted.  i own this mistake.  i think i'll just walk away and give this mess to the photographer that originally got me all jacked up about spare hair.  and who knows, maybe with the right lighting, and the right camera angle, and a really really gaussian blur, this could be a good look.  for someone not me.
lesson learned.  will add it to the list of Things that keep me awake at night that do not matter at all in the large scheme of life.

so i wish you a great day, with love for yourself and love for those close to you and love enough to never lie when someone asks you if this hair makes their butt look big.

some insights & new rules

yes, i am healing, heartwise.  slowly and in unusual ways.  i still find myself with a tear sliding down my cheek at the oddest times, but that's to be expected.  and i open my heart to the moment and embrace it, but don't let it run wild and overwhelm me.
my body has been disrespecting me in a continuing battle for supremacy, with exhaustion and confusion making for some strange conversational tidbits.  however - during some good moments, i was having a conversation with a photographer in the building, and she asked me what part of my body did i love.  that led us down the most enlightening and exciting conversation i've had in a while about bodies and our relationships with them and how they do/don't represent the inside "us."  at the same time, another artist in the building gave me 2 huge HUGE filled-to-the-top shopping bags stuffed with cosmetics.  unused. long story there, but they were not stolen.  and i am the last one to stop and put makeup on, especially to go to my studio.  PSD is still speechless over her newfound largess of Urban Decay and Chanel.  but the irony of the two events back-to-back was not lost on me.  The photographer and i talked about when our bodies were young and strong and overflowing with sensuality of the 20-something sort.  and how life and children and life and jobs and life started chipping away at those hips and that flat belly and firm arms, and soon things got wider and larger and flappier.  and we talked about how those changes were allowed to happen and how they changed our perception of our Strength...or was it the other way around....hmmm...
we pointed to times when we felt most like the person we were meant to be, and decided that no matter what age that was, that the essence of that incarnation could fit any age we became.  that a self-assurance in that knowledge of Who We Were, and the acceptance and even the celebration of that person would make any fashion we chose to wear look appropriate.  does that sentence make sense?  (sort of wearing our Selfhood like that favorite comfy pair of jeans or moccasins.)   at the thought of celebrating the essence of who i am, in my soul - my spirit, i realized that the final cobblestones of the shield must go.  that i have allowed myself to become Not Me...realized that in order to live the life i chose to live, i couldn't do it to Me.  yes "to" mySelf.  I had chosen the easy way...the way that allowed for security in some sense, but restricted my ability to be my Self in her fullest incarnation of being. and oddly,  i had followed a similar path that my mother and grandmother had chosen, as well.  so it was no surprise that i look like them.  and i realized that the time i felt my Outward reflected my Inward the most was when i had long hair.  not a vanity.  a fact.  and in recent years, hairdressers that i've chosen have seen me in ways that i projected...ways that i felt...weary, old, fat, matronly.  and they cut my hair.  short.  Samson, i feel ya buddy. even as my intuitive self stayed strong, the threads of day-to-day being just frayed.  so tomorrow, or friday, i will buy new hair.  hair that is long.  hair that is in line with my Self.  I realized that as much as a foundation or blush would bring into alignment how a person would want their face to look, clothes and hairstyle could do the same.  the photographer pulled back her curtain to reveal a whole colony of wigs!  short black hairstyles, long blue hairstyles, mid-length auburn...whatever her mood.  i don't foresee a blue or purple one in my future, but ...
and once i get in focus, my photographer friend and i will be getting it down for all eternity.  and i will post it here.  promise.