I am reading Paulo Coelho's newest book, Manuscript Found in Accra. His books move me back to center. His books read my heart back to me. this one is no exception. i would love to meet him someday, but i know words would just fail me and i'd stand there in a puddle of tears, so it's best not to wish for that - spare us both!
Lately I've felt (even more) socially out of step...misreading cues when it's my turn to talk, feeling itchy in social situations. And feeling like I talk too much and say too little, mostly. and i try to be a good conversationalist - try to ask the questions that, not only are polite, but that i truly want to know about. without turning the answers into a story about me or my experiences... try to break the old mindset that if i don't verbally vomit everything everything, then they may not ask - it's almost like begging someone to get to know me. but the weird thing is that i never consciously felt that no one wanted to know me, so i could be wrong - maybe i just talk a lot. and that bothered me, because i know a talker, and it sucks to hang up the phone and all you did was listen and never got a chance to talk. so now you're going to be hyper-aware of all this when we talk, right? oy.
But in Paulo's book (see - there was a point), it talks about going out and just being yourself, in much more eloquent terms. i call it "living outwardly." there is nothing that can drag you out of the dumps better than smiling at people when you pass them - not in some crazed, tripping on acid way. but a friendly smile can make The Difference in someone's life. I've talked about this before...the day that tried to drag me back to hell with it - and someone held a door for me and smiled at me. that was all it took, i swear. it turned my entire day around. there was something in that small act of kindness that just made it work...made me stop my internal swear-fest and look outside my head to see a world on the other side of my eyeballs. when i leave the house Every Day for real, I thank God for that wretched day - for every single thing that went wrong just so i could learn that the power of changing the world is a smile. if i'm having a bad day, i'll name every domino that fell in that bad, wretched day, and remind myself that a bad day is an even more perfect opportunity to learn fantastical things. and guess what - mostly it works and if nothing else, it takes the power away from the falling dominos and gives it back to you, and YOU decide what to do with the pieces...make lemonade, or let the juice continue to squirt you in the eye. sometimes, like earlier this past week, when the contractor leaves sheetrock dust All Over The House Including The Hardwoods and it requires many hours of vacuuming and washing and re-washing because it turned to mud and ruined the finish and you cry, sometimes on a day like that - you just stay inside because you know you'll damage someone's karma and you may say fuck dominos falling and i refuse to be thankful for this. but then you are, because thank God you didn't have him paint.
meanwhile, i have on my To Do list, well, many things. I have:
1) empty studio
2) if "1" is too overwhelming, go to crawfish festival
3) find capri pants and shorts
4) bag up last year's clothes & donate (You Are NOT that size anymore. Adjust)
i am leaning toward #2, only because how often is there a crawfish festival in town? although i once went to houston for one, and when i saw the actual crawfish, i just couldn't eat them...i mean, they serve them with the heads on all looking at you. i need more distance. so maybe i should just go with #1.
wishing you a day of brilliant options and smiles given and received. and glitter, for some reason.