2-fer on a hot friday

I have spent a number of days trying to decide how best to write this post - or whether to write it at all.  But I have always been 100% honest here, and sometimes more honest here than in my own head.  The fingers, they just take over and type out what they please.
And a series of conversations - some overheard, some intentionally held between myself and a BFF - have convinced me that this is something that needs to be said.  And even as I type those words, I fear rejection, of sorts, even though I don't know most of you.
When I first began this blog, way way back when, it was to purge my anguish at losing my beloved man-dog, Nikita.  It was intended to last a day, a month tops.  But on & on it went, as I discovered the world through new eyes and had experiences that I wanted to share, both good and bad.  There were rants and funny things and Things That Only Happen To Me.  There were videos and links to other blogs and websites.  I shared the ups and downs of being an artist, a stepmom, a dog mom, a daughter, a wife, an event planner, a radio personality,  etc.  My blog banner used to read "my life is a rickety zen circus," and that was the truth.  And i rolled with it.  and enjoyed a lot of it, and rolled my eyes at the rest.  or barfed it out here.
so here goes.

I am 5'2" tall and weighed in at 175 pounds yesterday at the doctor.  I am very unhappy about that.  My recent weigh gain has overshadowed any other thing in my life, except my grief over losing Diva dog.
So I guess this was not what you expected from an artist who blogs...shouldn't this be about spending endless happy hours in the studio, or promoting my workshop or book?  But today I need to get a little messy with y'all.

Here in my faceless blog, I could be anyone - tall blonde, short brunette, thin, heavy...anyone.  And I have been all those things, thanks to the magic of Clairol and spike heels and cheesecake, as the case may be.

So now, here's the part.  the part about being honest.  and having a whispered conversation.

Last year, a perfect storm hit me.  I quit smoking, I hit menopause, and my Diva dog began to fail.  and I began to sink into myself and I began to gain weight.  lots of weight.  And my life began being measured in dress sizes, rather than moments of savoring perfection and the gleaming mist of morning walks through the woods, much to my incredible chagrin and horror at what I perceived to be a shallowness turned on myself - no, I never noticed weight on others.  no, i never picked friends or made judgements about others based on their size.  just myself.  Just before I married, I was a size 0-2.  yes.  unhealthy, but that was the truth.  soon after the wedding,  it was a 4, then a 6.  Then I got scared.  Anything over a 6 was scary to me - it was the St. Johns Bay and White Stag department, wasn't it?  I hit size 8 and the preoccupation began, but i still was able to say "just a few pounds over."  (This all sounds so ridiculous as I write it, but I will continue in hopes of touching someone, or making myself look at this with fresh eyes). Then the 8's went to the thrift shop, as the 10's and 12's replaced them in the closet, and another round of closet cleanouts.  I am now a 14, teetering on a 16.  I wear a lot of sundresses, which this morning suddenly reminded me of mumu's, and all that connotation brings.  I am not in a good place in my head, and since I am home most of the day alone in my studio, have plenty of time to think.
When I've whispered to a friend or two how i feel, the first words are congratulations for quitting smoking, and how much healthier I must be.  But i'll be honest - I don't feel it.  My doc says that smoking changes your metabolism, and that it isn't necessarily eating more that cause the weight gain.  I wish it was just eating more, because then I'd simply eat less.  but i do eat less now.  but since i quit smoking a year ago June 15th, my cholesterol has doubled, my tri-g's are unprintable, and i fear i am headed for a heart attack if i don't do something.  the problem is, there is always something to stop that "something."  an injury, an ear infection, a heat wave, a continuous monsoon.  all very good excuses.
I try to apply the same "love the inside" rule I have for others, to myself.  but as I struggle in the dressing room to get out of a dress i'm stuck in, i do not love anything.  at that moment, I want my hips back, and my flat stomach back, and my non-flappy arms back.  and my diva back.  and it all jumbles into one sweaty mess that culminates with a slight ripping sound as i get free of the clothing and just.go.home.  and i scream at God the whole ride back that if this is a lesson, it should be f-ing over, because i have learned some things and why does EVERYthing have to be a lesson?

So these are the messy parts of me.  The parts that I shouldn't share.  the parts that the trendy art circle du jour would shun, because it seems as though everything should be glitterdust and birdsong.  and it isn't always.  but the fact that all you read is WonDeRfuL makes you feel even worse about not feeling 100% zippity do dah.  and my life is not horrible by any count...it's just that i have gained enough weight to really concern myself, and it is difficult for me to do the things i want to do, and sometimes to even move about.   I look in the mirror and i don't see myself.  and that is the most frustrating.  and if i'm being honest, which i always am here, i am relieved that my husband also gained weight when he quit smoking or else i'd be afraid he'd be grossed out by me.
All this being said, I do feel like a spoiled, shallow child...complaining about too much weight when people in many parts of the world would love a grab at too much weight as their main concern day-to-day.  But it is still my reality.
Now, you're looking for the happy ending?  well, how about a start at one?  I sent an email to a friend this morning which I'll paste here, since it's way past time to get the laundry started.  I have overcome many addictions in my life, on my own - from comic books to cocaine to nicotine.  and i should know best that One Day At A Time is more than just a good tv show from the past.  And my day started yesterday.

Last night, I swam 4 laps in a real pool with real people in a real bathing suit.  That was 4 laps more than I've swam in 15 years.  That was 1 bathing suit more than I've worn in 5 years.  That was as exposed as I've been to strangers in many years.  I was completely out of breath, my ears hurt, my legs shook, I had no form or rhythm, and I felt like people were yelling Thar She Blows.  But ....

I swam 4 laps in a real pool with real people in a real bathing suit.  

Next week, I will swim 6.  And I will stop buying clothes, hoping to find 1 cute outfit that will be a shield of invisibility.  It does not exist, and I am spending hundreds of dollars that we don't have for that nonsense, and I am hiding the bills from my husband.  The guilt stops here.  The lying stops here.  The self-disrespect stops here.  It will be a new journey - One day at a time, with no goal other than to get out and move a bit.  

So there it all is.  I lay my heart at your feet in hopes that you will exhale loudly and say Thank God Someone Said It First.  and we'll all go put on some flouncy bathing caps and swim a few laps.

so so much a poppin'

and then there's this from Brave Girls... (i'm not sure how to get the big white blob out, so deal)

Dear Courageous Girl, One of the paradoxes of life is that sometimes the very best decisions have the most difficult consequences. And sometimes what is best is not what we want most. And sometimes when we want to feel peace, we have to do something that feels painful first. Sometimes we have to do such hard things, and there's absolutely no other way. You can do it, though. You know what is the right thing to do. You know for sure in your gut and deep in your heart, and a million signs have led you to what you are supposed to do. It still feels so scary, so difficult, and so impossible, even for a very brave girl. Just know that most of the best things if life come after making the most difficult choices, and doing the hardest things, and taking the biggest risks. You really can do this, and miracles are going to happen when you do. You are so very very loved. xoxo

it is hot out.  Africa hot.  sizzle the feet on the pavement hot.  my friend walks her dog Sadie down the street and Sadie makes a beeline for the cool-ish grassy areas.  The lake by my house is blooming with algae, and really putting up a stink.  I will love this moment in February!  I am holding the heat-memories for the deepest & darkest of winter nights.  and then I'll likely say to myself, "how could I have possibly complained about the heat??"  it's quiet in my inbox, as friends travel about the world.  Am glad for the debriefing when they get home - traveling vicariously.
This morning, a follow up ENT appointment as one ear hopefully is mending, but now the other one starts complaining.  then - artmaking.  I began a special journal book for a very special friend, and hope to finish it today.  it's been through 2 incarnations already!  hard to make something special enough.  okay - go enjoy your day.  i prescribe ice cream for breakfast, Italian ice for lunch, and a smooth gelato for dinner.  just to keep cool with, understand.

just when ya think...

it's no surprise or secret that my grieving continues for my Diva.  At the oddest moments, it will envelope me, and I let it have it's way with me.  It's the only way.  But I am moving about in the world normally, and am glad for the quiet nights when I can remember Special Moments, with a smile rather than the waterworks.  And I recognize that the emotional outpouring is not just for Diva, but for the 30 years of a lifestyle tailored to meet the needs of dogs, cats and humans-other-than-myself.  And the immense freedom that is now mine, yet still allowing for respect for the Incredible love and companionship that these 4-legged lives brought to me.  And isn't it just ironic when an email comes to you on just the right morning...a morning following a day when maybe you accidentally pulled a can of dog food from a grocery shelf as you zombied through the store and then remembered...or watched an episode of Cesar Millan and suddenly the thought was almost audible "but you don't have a dog anymore."...and this email comes to you from a friend, maybe, or a stranger, maybe, but either way you just know it was Perfect in it's message and it's timing, and your heart clutches a little, and eases a little and it knows that it knew that...and the message says:

I just want you to know, Linda, that those animals you've known, who've moved beyond the veils of time and space, were forever changed by your love, they're alive and well, and they've banded together to ask me a favor... that I make sure you get this message. 

This morning, as I rolled out of bed a full 2 hours later than usual and 3 hours later than planned, and my puffy feet touched the floor and my ear began screaming in pain and various parts of my body reminded me that the weight gain Was Killing Them, this morning when all this happened - i stopped.  just sat for a minute, listening to the cardinal in the tree outside my balcony, and had an ah-ha! moment.  My body was manifesting what my spirit was trying to tell me.  Hellllooo!  Me - the one who feels every whisper of an intuition and call of Spirit, had fallen into single focus.  and what was that focus?  something I don't have but wanted.  it was a constant on my mind that i wanted this thing.  rather like Agnes, in her Need for a unicorn...


So I had to spend sometime pulling at the thread until the work unraveled back to the dropped stitch, and begin again.  I'm a firm believer in beginning again.  in asking for an apology or forgiveness - from others or from yourself - then just begin again.  don't sit in the ashes.  start beginning again. :)  And for me, I apologized to mySelf for getting far enough away from my centered tether that my body had begun to protest...that in desperation, ground control had radioed Major Tom to get back.  My days used to begin with quiet time at the table, a steamy mug of freshly ground coffee wafting at me.  I would have a pen and a journal ready, should any inspiration or "to do" item hit my brain.  (once it's on paper, it won't clang around in your brain distracting you).  I would watch the sun rise and listen as the world woke up.  By then, I would have a clear vision of how my day should look.  but lately, since the frustration of not being able to have this Thing has overridden my best Self and pulled my focus, well, out of focus.  Rather than meet the day in quiet gratitude, I rolled over and slept through it's awakening.  rather than being grateful for the opportunity to have the time and breath to watch the sky change from indigo to payne's grey to pinky dawn, i would pull the sheet up and start grumpy.  and not so much grumpy as fearful.  this Thing loomed larger every day, and took up more and more of my time as i focused on it, nudging out the sweetness that can be every day.  and although it is an important thing, I wasn't listening to the still, quiet, small voice within me...the feather-whisper of my spirit that was leading me, the Spirit that was saying Never Fear.  and Your Path Is Different From That.  and so we just stopped, my spirit & I.  Stopped and waited til I would shake myself awake and turn around and Begin Again.  and in stopping, became sedentary and lazy and the view never changed, so the things immediately in front of me became my focus, rather than the things i needed to do in order to accomplish the Bigger Things About to Come.  and they are big.  perhaps thats why i stopped, and my posts became whiney and not so edifying ... fear of accomplishing the task?  maybe a little side order of Do I Deserve This?  yes, i could continue to live a tiny life in my studio making art and wishing for things i don't have.  it would be a life.  but not the life that was given to me - not the life demanded of me.  not the life that would fulfill my soul and my purpose for being here on this earth.  and so, I apologize to you, dedicated friend, for reading through the mess that my posts had become and will start beginning, again.
wishing you a day of stepping out of the ash pile, wiping your feet and running toward your destiny.  may it run to meet you half way.  with chocolate and lemonade.

a favor to ask

If you work with the public in any form, please be nice.  please be thoughtful.  be helpful.  please remember that when someone makes an inquiry call to the business that is paying you to be pleasant and helpful and courteous, the caller is generally pulling together many many details of a plan, all while the cat is throwing up, the washing machine is going BAM BAM BAM downstairs, and the caller also has a raging ear infection.  so please practice active listening, general etiquette, and don't rush them off the phone because a cute guy is coming toward your station and you don't want the person at the next station to snag this treasure.  it is also likely that the caller has no interest whatsofreakingever in pulling together these plans, but must in the interest of marital harmony and that dreaded C word - compromise.  damn it. twice.
and thank you so much for listening.

here's a portion of a post from January... it reminded me of itself again today:

female friendships are so so important, and we are wired for them.  as far back as cavewomen time - the men went out to kabong dinner over the head, and the women stayed behind together doing the laundry or whatever they did back then.  women have always gathered.  and whether the gathering is of two or three, or 20 or 200, there is a release of spirit that comes when we gather...a sprinkling of golden light that surrounds like-minded women gathered together for the purpose of enjoying one another's company and learning from each other.  each woman has a purpose in the group - whether it be teacher, learner (yes - "learner" is a purpose),  edifier, whatever...you've seen it, felt it.  and the further from home you gather, the closer to your deepest Self you are able to get to.  that's where the gold is.  the gathering cannot be forced or repeated exactly ever again.  each person in each moment will never not ever be the same, so each moment will never be the same.  does that make sense? 

As I prepare my heart and my offering to go here, I am grateful for the chance to gather...so grateful...

( if for some reason the link won't work, type in http://artstreamstudios.com/arc/index.htm)

yes, I know - it's been a while since I landed here to share random bits that fly out of my brain.
It's been hot and rainy and humid Every Single Day, which in February would be nice to grab a little of!  But all strung together like this, it just saps my motivation.  we've had Florida's weather - building humidity in the morning leading to pretty intense rain in the afternoon.  But you didn't come here to talk about the weather, did you?
okay then - how about this...an all-inclusive art camp on a private island?  yes.  includes supplies.  yes.  I can feel the ahhh now!  wanna?  just 7 spots left.
This is a self-care time for me...today, a mole gets checked at the dermatologist, next week, the endocrinologist takes a look at my thyroid (i simply do not eat enough to cause this amount of weight gain), and next month the orthodontist will begin correcting what some bad dentistry did.  I'd say that all qualifies as self care!
some back-to-back travel time coming ... husband has a sudden need to go to Wisconsin to visit relatives.  a 15-hour drive.  yes, the 2 of us in a car for 15 hours.  we won't make it down the street.  the day we get home (or released on our own recognizance), I do laundry, repack and go to Art Camp (above), then leave from there to go to My Rock Fairy's house for some incredible girl time.  A little pre-stressed about the schedule, but will ease into it and ahhhh as soon as we begin.  Am looking forward to most of the itinerary!  not the drive(s).  maybe i'll just abandon my car and fly.  or just not drive back.  :)
Recently, my thoughts have turned and returned to friends from the past...in dreams and in waking moments, a friend's face will come into focus and I'll wonder why our relationship seemed to just melt away...why we stopped calling one another or emailing or getting together...sometimes communications spacing themselves out in the progression of a busy life interrupting a sought-after life...sometimes abruptly and without warning and with no chance for reconciliation.  I think everyone has had friendships like these, so there's no use beating yourself up over it, wondering What Did I Do??  I think if you've been a "bestie" with someone long enough, and one of those 2 scenarios happens, it's a shame either way.  "busy" is a very sad excuse for not keeping in touch with a HeartThread.  Carpools and family events and work and everything that goes into a day can leave not-a-crumb's worth of time.  But I contend that there's always a minute somewhere to rip off a quick email saying Sorry I'm So Busy But I Love You.  and the 2nd scenario - to abruptly cut off all communication without explanation...well, that's just hurtful.  intentionally hurtful.  I've been on the receiving end of it and for some time would email the person asking what was up, but I realized that one of two things were happening;  either they were at a place where things were ready to explode in their life, and to speak of it would pop the balloon and irreparable events would begin.  Or, they were just following what they learned and were being hurtful.  I have to admit that I had a close friend many many years ago - we saw each other every day and spoke on the phone as much, also.  Following a bad breakup of a rubbish relationship, I needed to Just Be Alone with myself...there were a whole bunch of life changes going on at once, and i couldn't be the type of friend i wanted to be.  so i shut everyone out.  her included.  I saw her once since then - she came to one of my art openings with a mutual friend.  It was awkward.  what do you say after all that time?  here's what you say:  you look the person in the eye, and say, from the heart, I'm Sorry.  that's all it will take.  yes, they are due an explanation, because you held their heart for so long.  and if distance prevents the look-in-the-eye part, then a phone call will do.  it's that simple, and that complex at the same time.  women are built for grudge, but they are also built for forgiveness.  it's part of our survival makeup.  the whole "fool me once" thing.  there is a website called regrets and apologies where you can also lay these tracks down...a practice run, or maybe the intended recipient is unavailable. love it.
my wish for you today is that you will leave trails of sweetness wherever you go...

Happy Independence Day

Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.
Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.
But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate -- we can not consecrate -- we can not hallow -- this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us -- that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion -- that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain -- that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom -- and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.

2fer

some thoughts

...the long, slow, deep breath - the gathering in of strength - that precedes a daring leap into the unknown.  Teetering on the brink is the stuff nightmares are made of, yet taken in slow motion, the same loss of balance becomes more dreamlike.  The Fertile Void can be where we let go of demons and demands we don't need anymore and begin building new dreams, one well-lived day at a time.

-Suzanne Braun Levine, Inventing The Rest Of Our Lives

(print by Tracie Andrews)

these prints found here

a long & tumbling post that's wonderful

today I went to the closing of Szozda gallery.  closing - as in forever.  or maybe just for a while to reconfigure, although i have no knowledge of that.  Just saying it would be great for Caroleena to take a break, get rested, and come back to fill the void.  two more galleries are slated to close - Warehouse and Redhouse.  Redhouse, apparently will keep everything as is, but just do away with the gallery portion of their offerings.  so sad, and i'm so so tempted to jump in - you know me.  but i have to stay the course, and the Art Along The 90 event is going to be a doozy.
this weekend has had a theme of Self Worth for me.  actually, the past few weeks.  self worth.  how do i value myself, and in what ways.  and i truly think that a person can spend way too much time thinking Big Thoughts about themselves, and be no earthly good to anyone outside of their head.  But that was not the case here.  the theme wove itself in and out of my days, unbidden.  in the past weeks, some of the most amazing paybacks have occurred - and the things i do, i do them because they should be done and i can do them. not in any way for payback - cosmic or otherwise.  in the past few weeks, i have been nominated for a free week of an art retreat - the nominee, the seconder and thirder mentioned some things i had done that i don't even remember doing or sharing that i had done them.  but remembering them made me smile big.  then i was handed an opportunity to participate in an incredible art event.  this will require changing the date of a semi-planned vacation which was fluid to begin with and hubster is diggin his heels in ssaying NO We Won't Change The Date. but we'll see.  then,  i was told about an art retreat that i Really Feel I Belong At...can't tell you why, but truly believe that it is important for me to be there in ways that can't be seen or explained.  Much like the first year of SAW.  that feeling.  but - it cost $1100, and I had...ummm, $0, so i was mathematically challenged in this goal.  And I was going to send the registration in anyway - that's how certain i was that somehow God would find a way to get me there, but then thought that was a move worthy only of a TV evangelist (TV= television, not transvestite), so i waited.  then today, i went to Caroleena's for one last time, and when I walked in, there were people who had presents for me! i mean, wow!  and honestly, it could have been a bug, and i would have been thrilled to have been thought of.  but it wasn't a bug in any case.  they were wonderful things.  and here's where it really gets good.  I sold at least 2 pieces (that I know of).  so I am almost at my goal!  close enough to say yes to the retreat.  it can't get better.  yes it can.  the retreat ends the day before i was scheduled to go visit my Rock Fairy, and it's less than an hour from her house (but on an island)!  so we rescheduled today, and I'll finish the retreat, then go forth to my bestie's house!  (but just for 3 days - after that any guest gets annoying, i think).  SOOO my original point was about self-worth.  remember?  way up at the top of the page?  As I thought about the retreat, I made myself very small...thoughts of I'm Not Working So I Shouldn't Spend Money On Myself...It's Not My Money...He Wants A Boat And We Agreed Not To Spend Money.  well, wait.  as BMG pointed out, legally, the money is half mine.  But aside from legalities...the softer side of it is this - i need to retreat with my sisters in order to survive.  all women do - it's how we are built.  the week i spend creating and bonding and gathering golden heart tethers?  that's the week that sustains me for the rest of the year.  that's the week that makes it bearable to do the laundry and the dishes and the vacuuming every day/week/whenever.  i think about that week, and my heart grows wombly and makes my eyes see things so much softer and lovingly, and makes doing these household tasks seem like a gift i give to my family.  and to ignore that because of a feeling that i don't deserve to touch the money that we have - that is not valuing my worth as a person, as a creative woman, as a wife.  to hire a maid and a laundry person would be much more :)  But these were thoughts i put on myself - no one needed to say whether or not they agreed, and i didn't bother to ask.  so i stood up to my self...the Self-Defeating thoughts of unworthiness.  and it wasn't anything big - it wasn't like i thought i was a total loser headed on a downward spiral to nowhere.  it was just those two words "I Shouldn't."  and the feeling that i was a child about to sneak a cookie.  and i realized that the agreement we had made was only being followed by one of us - me.  and i realized this as the other one of us was on a 4-day vacation with 10 buddies, an RV, Nascar and more than a lake but less than an ocean of alcohol.  and from a place so gentle, and without animosity or bad feeling or coldness in any way - honest...from that place of love for the child inside me, and the woman who had lost her footing...from there, the thought plunked down into my heart: You are worthy...you are enough.  and a certainty grew inside me - a sureness of my place on this earth and in life once again.  and all of this was a remarkable flash of insight.  and an even deeper gratitude for the hard work done to keep a roof over our heads and food in our stomachs. but - the retreat would not accept this as payment.  there was no "flash of insight" box to check on the "type of payment" page.  but i feel that once i was in line with where i needed to be, that's when the magic hit the fan, and some of my favorite artwork went to forever homes.  (just sorry i didn't get to say goodbye to them, or "thank you" to the new owner).  So if you purchased one of these pieces, please enjoy them fully every day, knowing you were part of a miraculous chain of events.  and i will say thank you again to you, as the boat docks on the private island where the art retreat is to be held in august.  it seems right to say, "namaste."

a little confetti eucalyptus goodness this morning...still on the drying rack, leaves and bits intact...the colors brighter than i usually go for, but this is love too...big purple leaves, baby blue style, an oxymoron if i ever heard one...playing with wax and numbers next...late night talking to the 1st love of my life, my brother...bracelet making with leather and silk and gemstones...late night+early wakeup call from the cardinal= a nap any minute...baby squirrels and chippies so very curious about my drying rack...art opening tonight - Congratulations John!  art closing tomorrow at Szozda Gallery, sad on many branches...time to go dream up some waxy goodness....

the password for today is: self-indulgent. 

a visitor today...

"you have much more available to you in terms of skills, experience, and inner strength than you're aware of."

after shoo-ing him out of the garage and back to his home, a baby squirrel came to watch me.  just sat there an arm's length away, curious.  while he was hypnotizing me, a chipmunk ran into the garage, and the rodeo began again.
I'll be honest with you, there are days like today where i am filled with tumbled emotions.  days where i wake up filled with eagerness to get a project going, or continued, and by 9am I'm flat out ready to shut it all down and nap the day away.  i try in fits and starts, and maybe get a thing or two worked on, but the big plan is pretty much down the drain.  just like that.  today i had big ideas about what the day would look like, but it became painfully obvious by 9am that i had no more control over my day than i did over the weather.  a mechanic appointment set my time back when his shuttle driver was wicked late, and blah blah boring blah.  if i'm not engaged in a project by 9, then forget it.  i may as well do laundry.  except there was none.  i had it all folded AND put away.  so let's see how things go after dinner, which is my 2nd most creative time of day.  hopefully i won't get depressed over the first half of the day going to hell, and dump the 2nd half.  how very pathetic.  but i'm being honest here.  and it's time to eat something - hopefully more nutritious than lunch, which was a nectarine and a popsicle.  yeah, i know - a possible link, you think.  it is a little sad to find out that someone you trusted at face value has actually worked behind the scenes to make sure you aren't hired at a particular company.  i guess at least i know it wasn't my skills, experience or inner strength :)  onward.  or as my friend Wendy Ellertson says:  adventure on!
Oh - pick up a copy of Mingle magazine, and go to the story (written by my incredible friend Christine) about Squam.  that big black & white photo?  I'm in there.  :)  what a sweet time.  sweet and gentle and rocked me off my foundation, threw me down, looked me in the eye and said We Have Some Things To Discuss.  and we did.  and now...

He had the gift 
of stopping time 
& listening well 
so that it was easy 
to hear who 
we could become 

& that was the future 
he held safe 
for each of us 
in his great heart 

you may ask, what now? 
& I hope you understand 
when we speak softly 
among ourselves 
& do not answer 
just yet 

for our future 
is no longer the same 
without him ...

(StoryPeople)

what could be better?

Ginger chocolate with a love poem inside...

well, 1 thing could be better, and I'm off to prep some wool & silk for it...tomorrow is tea and euca and rustification...and maybe a little staining...right now it's too humid to imagine, though

As my former boss, Kato taught me:

Plan the work, then work the plan.

In every situation, it works.  And what's not to listen to when it's coming from a man who has a kick like a kangaroo?

dyeing

these beauties...

will soon be happily boiling away to dye some wool and silk.  Today is a moderate work day, to include many naps, before tomorrow's straight out busy-ness.

wishing you a fantastic day...aren't you dyeing to get your own new colors?

busy day

earl grey, kirtan, beeswax, butterfly wing - found at the Lake.

a roll of thunder signals naptime.

depending on nuggets of magic from yesterday's lake visit...much work to be done today...ahhh, the smell of beeswax already calling...it's magic, i tell you

PS- don't forget to vote!

bottom line - i need $1000 for a workshop/licensing fee, which, once attained, will allow me to create wild ripples of goodness as people start opening up their dreams.
Please go here to vote for me to get this grant.  aww come on!  i voted for you.  and you.  and you too.

What I’m not confused about is the world needing much more love, no hate, no prejudice, no bigotry and more unity, peace and understanding. Period. -Stevie Wonder

keepin it cool

some days it's about just trying to keep the collateral damage to a minimum.

we are here for the sake of one another.
- Albert Einstein

If there is anyone besides you that I'd love to share coffee with, it would be Albert Einstein.  Handsome in that goofy professor way, I imagine thought-provoking conversations the likes of which I haven't had in years.  i know - it sounds kind of silly.  i mean, of course AE would have thought-provoking conversations, right?  ahhh but there's a lot about him you don't know, then.

This morning, the cardinal sat Right Outside my window, doing his very best impression of an alarm clock.  at 6am.  I had fallen back to a blissful sleep at 5am, and this red bird apparently felt it was time for me to get up.  not one to tick off nature, i complied.  Besides, the cardinal signals an intuitively creative time, and I'm on a roll these days.  Coffee made, stretches done, and to the studio for some melty beeswax yum.  I searched through a few books for inspiring quotes to use in this series of work, and remembered one i keep on my phone - from AE.  when i turned on the phone, an email popped up from a friend.  there was the usual blah blah blah about the day, but then a comment about some unfinished artwork I had shared.  It held what seems to be a barbed remark.  or perhaps a thoughtless flip of words.  words do fly fast these days.  but either way, they stung.  i am especially protective of my "in progress" artwork, as it will likely go through many many changes before it's pronounced Done.  I posted a few Almost Done pieces here yesterday, but felt there were no more major changes to come.  and i trusted you with my heart on this.  i include myself in the group of artists (people in general?) who are a tad protective, raw-around-the-edges, securely insecure about their work.  i may have a strong affinity for a piece, and so would be hurt deeply to hear an unkind word about it.  Much of my best work has not seen the light of day as yet, because of this.  sorry Caroline.  but back to my point.  to have this really brief but stunning email land in my email box was puzzling and hurtful.  i await a reply to my reply asking if it was intentional or just ignorant.

but meanwhile, i came across AE's quote, above.  and how much more truth per word can you ask for? i won't attempt to pontificate on the quote.  you know in your hearts and minds how deeply i feel this...how deeply i live this.  so i ask you, today, be there for someone.  Go there for someone who can't even express that they need you there.  and, to turn it the other way - sometimes a person needs someone there to share a great good thing...that it gets better exponentially when shared, and you really need to be there to share it.  go do the right things today.  and think twice before you speak.

feed your strength

a sorceress...no, an alchemist...by the Lake...cast her spell

and this is what is coming forth...

in progress

also in progress...but will be done tonight - they debut at Szozda Gallery tomorrow!

*****************************************************************************

it was a long night of Diva dreams and missing her so so badly.  today's nap was more than welcome, and bulimia cat placed a soft paw on my ankle as i dozed.  this cat knows things, i tell you.  husband tore himself away from ipad boats for sale and rubbed my back for a while, as i tried to wipe the dream away.  we operate on opposite ends of the moon, he and I... i say good morning as the moon is saying goodnight, while he waits till the moon is heavy and bright in the sky before he turns off the electronics.    that's why an away-from-home studio seemed to make sense - so i wouldn't wake him in the early hours with my hammering and whatnot.  but, the getting dressed and driving 20 minutes to work on something was unappealing.

but that's all backwards talk.  coming up, our first block party of the season.  a woman from our sister street stopped my next door neighbor to chat about the street.  "you have a good street," she said, "my husband and I watch out the window when you guys gather for bonfires and block parties, and always wish we could join in."  This time, she is most definitely invited.  they have a 6-year old who will fit in nicely.  the kids all quickly absorb any newcomer.  and there's always plenty of food.  so nice to build community.  so nice.

and then tonight...as i walked through the echo echo tunnel into the woods and under the tulip tree - i heard it...the owls screeching...FOUR of them!  one on each side of me, and two up higher and back into the treecover more.  i looked up, and there was a fuzzy, bobbing, terrified fledgling.  his first attempts at flight.  momma hanging close by, and brother across the path from me.  not an ideal situation, as momma is uber-protective at this point and will attack a human or any other thing that she perceives as a threat to her babes.  but such a treat!  i stepped back a few feet and watched for a while.  his brother's flight went well, but the landing - not so much.  momma was right there to protect him until he made it from the ground to the tree's safety.  a day filled with owls.
and now early to bed - my 5am wakeup call from the robins is catching up with me.  tomorrow i have a date with a wax pot and some tasty dyed silk.

so much clatter and chaos outside my window this morning...robin's peeping with all they've got...squirrels barking...calls of warning going up loud and insistent...ah ha - the culprit...

as seen through the spotting scope and captured with an iPhone.  he is magnificent, and has called our backyard area home for the second summer.  the robins, hyper-protective, were dive-bombing the poor guy and calling for the whole armada.  and they came...all manner of squawking, chirping, barking animal.  notably missing were the crows, which never seem to miss a chance to harass and torment the hawks.  must have an agreement with this owl.  At any rate, it derailed my perfectly planned work morning.  funny about plans, eh?  so now I'm waiting on some beeswax to melt, and will pick up where i left off.

OWL: meditate in silence in darkness for the next few nights and see what is revealed to you. (Steven D. Farmer)


still looking for a Very Good home for this sweetie...

Love love love that plans are coming together for a visit with my Rock Fairy...our friendship gets sweeter and sweeter, and i love the quietness of it.

ok - off to wax, then later today, a trip to snag some cashmere...or maybe a lake visit...both are jumping up and down yelling Pick Me!

wishing you a day of sweetness and quiet meditation...with an inner child jumping for joy inside.

She tapped her finger & nothing happened & she thought she had lost her magic, but it had only changed & it took her awhile to figure it out.

-Brian Andreas

need your help

I am a semi-finalist for a $1000 grant - well, me and many, many other folks.  But I need the grant in order to pay for licensing fees and training to be able to hold Right Brain Business Plan workshops (without stealing).  I am passionate about being able to help people start their dream, and I know how much the RBBP helped get me organized and on a clear path.
sooo.  i am asking that you go here and vote for me to get this grant.  It's the only way I can do this, as I am living a personally underfunded life right now.
Thank you!!
I'll be back later today with something philosophical and brilliant.  after i vacuum and go grocery shopping.

2-fer monday

she had worked so hard

on seeing her heart -

now she realized she had to do more

than just see it -

she had to hold it when no one else would,

she had to believe in it when others doubted it,

she had to love it more than anyone else could -

because only then would she be able to open it

and offer it for Real.

-Terri St. Cloud

still trying to process so much - the past week has been full to overflowing, between the art retreat and new family information.  hell - new family, period.  it's like a door i've been pushing on has finally swung open... squeaky hinges giving up and letting the heavy steel unblock the room.  A series of family emails has me feeling so included...so much a part of linked arms.  despite the history being revealed, which is...difficult.  I have an assemblage I did in dedication to my father.  years ago.  the frustration at not being able to talk to him was more than i could bear at one point.  and i made this assemblage called Come Back.  it has never been shown, and never will.  but the point is that after reading some family history that was sent, i wish upon wish to be able to tell my father that i appreciate how he tried.  that he did his very best, and it was good enough for me.  me, as an adult.  me, as my father's daughter.  because he left this earth while we still had unresolved...issues.  while we were still a bit at loggerheads.  before i could look beyond myself and see the goodness in another. my brother remarked to me yesterday that this was one of the first father's days that he was aware that it was father's day.  my thoughts exactly, throughout the day.  i was traveling home from vermont, and stopped at an antique junk store.  the proprietor was an older guy, grizzled and weathered and as dusty as anything in his store.  a simple, slim gold band glowed from his left ring finger.  i don't know why, but i wished him a happy father's day.  i just needed to say it, i guess.  he paused, then teared up and thanked me, turned and blew his nose as he walked a few steps, head down.  and i thought of my cousins, and how this was their first father's day alone.  a thought-filled ride home through the mountains.  i came home to an empty house - husband was out with his kids for dinner.  it gave me an opportunity to re-watch some videos that are being shared from my uncle's collection.  and darned if i didn't go right to the one with the elephant.  i have an early memory of an elephant following me as i walked through a public area of some sort.  my mother said i must have dreamt it, but all these years, i knew that my 4-year old self really had had an elephant shadow her.  and there, on a grainy and dark 8mm-to-video-to-internet clip was my 4-year old self, walking through the zoo with an elephant following her.  as real as you please.  and the funny thing was, this Vermont week was all about elephants.  so it fit nicely.  and i accepted the gift.

In the beginning of time, the skies were filled with flying elephants.....

a little math while i hold the week close inside my sparkly shawl, and smell the remnants of eucalyptus and rooibos and Luna....

this....

plus this....

plus this....

oh, and plus this....

equals this...

and that's all I have to say right now.

except Rock Fairies can also be Kitchen Magicians.

erp.

"...I will smile without feeling guilty, because joy is not a sin...for the first time, i will avoid anything that makes me suffer, because suffering is not a virtue...i will not complain about life, saying, 'Everything's always the same and i can do nothing to change it'...Because I am living this day as if it were my first, and while it lasts, i will discover things that i didn't even know were there...even though i have walked past the same places countless times before and said 'Good Morning' to the same people, today's 'Good Morning' will be different...it will not be mere polite formula, it will be a form of blessing in the hope that everyone i speak to will understand the importance of being alive..."
-Paulo Coelho, Manuscript Found In Accra

Good morning to you.
And with that, I am off to recharge and re-ignite on the shores of a shusshhhing lake with good sisters, new and old....catch you on the flip side....

today...Taste of Syracuse Festival with Carolyn...


followed by some up-close eagle watching and soul-tending...feet in the sand...eyes on the sky...projects wrapping up and soon will be back in the studio soon soon...leaving for a few days of magic on a Wishbone road with a Sorceress...planning to let the lake and sunset and the gathering of women replenish the parched parts...just a few days left to gather supplies and pack!

i get it.  i now know why prayers aren't answered all at once...why there isn't a Wait-Till-There's-Enough-In-The-Cart buildup of whispered wishes come true all at the same time...why tear-soaked pillows have no say in the matter whatsoever...because for everything to happen all at once is dizzying and destabilizing....what once was, is no longer the same...your beliefs and sense of Self get turned right 'round, baby,  which can be a good thing...but not all at once.
grief is the great clarifier.  when i picture the Grim Reaper, he has a large scythe in his hand.  i now know that this tool is for the living, for those left behind...used to clear away...nothing is left standing but the strongest of strong beliefs...the deepest inner truths.  nothing else remains - not hardness constructed as a shield, not perceived slights, not walls made of hurts and accusations and miscommunications.  it is too much to carry, too much to maintain, to reconstruct...with hands limp at your side... it is a wildfire that burns the forest and allows for new growth...tender new green from seeds scattered by the natural order of things, or from roots dug deep into the soil where they remained unharmed by the devastation.
This spring, as the buds grew fat on the trees and began their cycle of awakening... as the migrational urges brought bald eagles and golden eagles and raptors flying low over my head...as the signs of life began again, so it began within me.  through wildfire and scythe, all that remained was scorched earth...a parched heart...wheat and chaff together brought down.  and in these times while the landscape changed, when all i could do was shake my head and let the tears roll, even in these months,  i know for certain that new growth has begun...that the ashes protect the scorched earth while the tendrils of new life have begun to unfurl.  and somehow i am grateful for the clearing - grateful that my hands hang limp and no longer have to carry anything but the essential, and can begin again.  i whisper a wish that it hadn't all come at once, yet i am grateful.  i begin to fill my cart, again, with prayers, but this time i pray that i bring dignity to the lesson and not waste the effort that's gone into lining circumstances up to make this all converge at once.  I open my eyes to the trees, naked and blackened by the fire and know there will soon be a verdant forest where these shadow sticks stand.  and i receive their comfort.

I rarely, if ever, use this space to promote workshops, classes, products, etc., but I have to say I've had a huge number of conversations with people lately, on the topic of weight and body image and feeling like nothing...so I ask...Do these words mean anything to you?

0. How can we be kind to our souls when we are so mean to our bodies? Why do we continuously compare our bodies to others? Why do we hold on so tight to staying young looking as we age, even to the detriment of our own inner peace? Why does weight seem to hang on to us when we are dealing with difficult things emotionally?
   There is an epidemic of body loathing among women and young women. The body and the soul are so connected that we cannot loathe our bodies without wounding the rest of us...our hearts, our moods, our decisions, our confidence, our inner peace....even our most important relationships & jobs.
   
   
   Guess what?! It’s time to finally make peace with our bodies...to stop abusing them and start honoring them as beautiful homes for our souls.
   
    If this plucks a string in your heart, check out Melody at BraveGirls.  This isn't in place of a good counselor - for that you need Ophelias Place.  But just maybe you can start the process of loving yourself again, either way. 
   
   

Move to the edge and over.  Fly with the wings
he gives, and if you get tired, lie down,
but keep opening inside your soul.
-Rumi

Day and night I guarded the pearl of my soul.
now in this ocean of pearling currents,
I've lost track of which was mine.
-Rumi

go be part of something bigger.  go start something bigger.
-Linda :)

For as long as a dream lives inside of you, there's a plan for its time in space. 
Tut.

Well I've been living in this month of Sunday's
For so long,
I don't remember Saturday night
Broken record's don't play new tunes
Except for once in a blue moon
And I've looked, but the moon is still white

And I've been some hope to the summit of Sunday
Someone, somewhere may do something with his light
The smoker's lung's don't blow balloons
Except for one in a blue moon
And I've looked, but the moon is still white

Rusty gun's fire rusty shots
Leopards never change their spots,
And fireworks always fade too soon,
Empty words don't mean a lot
And for me thats all you got
But I swear to you darling
One day, we'll stand beneath a blue moon

I've been living in this month of Sunday's
And I forgot what Monday morning feels like
Blushing brides and handsome grooms,
Deep in debt from honeymoons
Stare above, but the moon is still white

Oh and I've wandered into wondering if one day
When the war is won
And one finally make two
And we think not of what we know,
And think of only what we've got
Then we'll go dancing underneath a blue moon

Oh black kettles and black pots
Seem to fight an awful lot
And make the kitchen the most uncomfortable of rooms
Empty words don't mean a lot
And for me that's all you've got
And I swear to you darling
One day, we'll stand beneath a blue moon

Oh, oh, oh

So I've been living in this month of Sunday's
And I don't know when this month may be through
So will you tell that you're awake,
For as long as it may take
And I swear darling, I'll show you a blue moon
Oh my darling, I'll show you a blue moon

lets get carried away - a mini mashup

nothing needs to be explained, justified, or even understood, to move beyond it, transformed, wings afoot, chariots aflame, angels on high, sparkles trailing, fuzzy dice on the mirror... 







Today - picture tendrils of thick glitter trailing after you and a beam of light warming your face...go about your day giving away free samples of smiles...leave a note of encouragement somewhere for someone to randomly find...make today special.  tomorrow, repeat.

shakes and shema

author unknown - as seen on mysticmamma.com