she had worked so hard
on seeing her heart -
now she realized she had to do more
than just see it -
she had to hold it when no one else would,
she had to believe in it when others doubted it,
she had to love it more than anyone else could -
because only then would she be able to open it
and offer it for Real.
still trying to process so much - the past week has been full to overflowing, between the art retreat and new family information. hell - new family, period. it's like a door i've been pushing on has finally swung open... squeaky hinges giving up and letting the heavy steel unblock the room. A series of family emails has me feeling so included...so much a part of linked arms. despite the history being revealed, which is...difficult. I have an assemblage I did in dedication to my father. years ago. the frustration at not being able to talk to him was more than i could bear at one point. and i made this assemblage called Come Back. it has never been shown, and never will. but the point is that after reading some family history that was sent, i wish upon wish to be able to tell my father that i appreciate how he tried. that he did his very best, and it was good enough for me. me, as an adult. me, as my father's daughter. because he left this earth while we still had unresolved...issues. while we were still a bit at loggerheads. before i could look beyond myself and see the goodness in another. my brother remarked to me yesterday that this was one of the first father's days that he was aware that it was father's day. my thoughts exactly, throughout the day. i was traveling home from vermont, and stopped at an antique junk store. the proprietor was an older guy, grizzled and weathered and as dusty as anything in his store. a simple, slim gold band glowed from his left ring finger. i don't know why, but i wished him a happy father's day. i just needed to say it, i guess. he paused, then teared up and thanked me, turned and blew his nose as he walked a few steps, head down. and i thought of my cousins, and how this was their first father's day alone. a thought-filled ride home through the mountains. i came home to an empty house - husband was out with his kids for dinner. it gave me an opportunity to re-watch some videos that are being shared from my uncle's collection. and darned if i didn't go right to the one with the elephant. i have an early memory of an elephant following me as i walked through a public area of some sort. my mother said i must have dreamt it, but all these years, i knew that my 4-year old self really had had an elephant shadow her. and there, on a grainy and dark 8mm-to-video-to-internet clip was my 4-year old self, walking through the zoo with an elephant following her. as real as you please. and the funny thing was, this Vermont week was all about elephants. so it fit nicely. and i accepted the gift.
In the beginning of time, the skies were filled with flying elephants.....