today I went to the closing of Szozda gallery. closing - as in forever. or maybe just for a while to reconfigure, although i have no knowledge of that. Just saying it would be great for Caroleena to take a break, get rested, and come back to fill the void. two more galleries are slated to close - Warehouse and Redhouse. Redhouse, apparently will keep everything as is, but just do away with the gallery portion of their offerings. so sad, and i'm so so tempted to jump in - you know me. but i have to stay the course, and the Art Along The 90 event is going to be a doozy.
this weekend has had a theme of Self Worth for me. actually, the past few weeks. self worth. how do i value myself, and in what ways. and i truly think that a person can spend way too much time thinking Big Thoughts about themselves, and be no earthly good to anyone outside of their head. But that was not the case here. the theme wove itself in and out of my days, unbidden. in the past weeks, some of the most amazing paybacks have occurred - and the things i do, i do them because they should be done and i can do them. not in any way for payback - cosmic or otherwise. in the past few weeks, i have been nominated for a free week of an art retreat - the nominee, the seconder and thirder mentioned some things i had done that i don't even remember doing or sharing that i had done them. but remembering them made me smile big. then i was handed an opportunity to participate in an incredible art event. this will require changing the date of a semi-planned vacation which was fluid to begin with and hubster is diggin his heels in ssaying NO We Won't Change The Date. but we'll see. then, i was told about an art retreat that i Really Feel I Belong At...can't tell you why, but truly believe that it is important for me to be there in ways that can't be seen or explained. Much like the first year of SAW. that feeling. but - it cost $1100, and I had...ummm, $0, so i was mathematically challenged in this goal. And I was going to send the registration in anyway - that's how certain i was that somehow God would find a way to get me there, but then thought that was a move worthy only of a TV evangelist (TV= television, not transvestite), so i waited. then today, i went to Caroleena's for one last time, and when I walked in, there were people who had presents for me! i mean, wow! and honestly, it could have been a bug, and i would have been thrilled to have been thought of. but it wasn't a bug in any case. they were wonderful things. and here's where it really gets good. I sold at least 2 pieces (that I know of). so I am almost at my goal! close enough to say yes to the retreat. it can't get better. yes it can. the retreat ends the day before i was scheduled to go visit my Rock Fairy, and it's less than an hour from her house (but on an island)! so we rescheduled today, and I'll finish the retreat, then go forth to my bestie's house! (but just for 3 days - after that any guest gets annoying, i think). SOOO my original point was about self-worth. remember? way up at the top of the page? As I thought about the retreat, I made myself very small...thoughts of I'm Not Working So I Shouldn't Spend Money On Myself...It's Not My Money...He Wants A Boat And We Agreed Not To Spend Money. well, wait. as BMG pointed out, legally, the money is half mine. But aside from legalities...the softer side of it is this - i need to retreat with my sisters in order to survive. all women do - it's how we are built. the week i spend creating and bonding and gathering golden heart tethers? that's the week that sustains me for the rest of the year. that's the week that makes it bearable to do the laundry and the dishes and the vacuuming every day/week/whenever. i think about that week, and my heart grows wombly and makes my eyes see things so much softer and lovingly, and makes doing these household tasks seem like a gift i give to my family. and to ignore that because of a feeling that i don't deserve to touch the money that we have - that is not valuing my worth as a person, as a creative woman, as a wife. to hire a maid and a laundry person would be much more :) But these were thoughts i put on myself - no one needed to say whether or not they agreed, and i didn't bother to ask. so i stood up to my self...the Self-Defeating thoughts of unworthiness. and it wasn't anything big - it wasn't like i thought i was a total loser headed on a downward spiral to nowhere. it was just those two words "I Shouldn't." and the feeling that i was a child about to sneak a cookie. and i realized that the agreement we had made was only being followed by one of us - me. and i realized this as the other one of us was on a 4-day vacation with 10 buddies, an RV, Nascar and more than a lake but less than an ocean of alcohol. and from a place so gentle, and without animosity or bad feeling or coldness in any way - honest...from that place of love for the child inside me, and the woman who had lost her footing...from there, the thought plunked down into my heart: You are worthy...you are enough. and a certainty grew inside me - a sureness of my place on this earth and in life once again. and all of this was a remarkable flash of insight. and an even deeper gratitude for the hard work done to keep a roof over our heads and food in our stomachs. but - the retreat would not accept this as payment. there was no "flash of insight" box to check on the "type of payment" page. but i feel that once i was in line with where i needed to be, that's when the magic hit the fan, and some of my favorite artwork went to forever homes. (just sorry i didn't get to say goodbye to them, or "thank you" to the new owner). So if you purchased one of these pieces, please enjoy them fully every day, knowing you were part of a miraculous chain of events. and i will say thank you again to you, as the boat docks on the private island where the art retreat is to be held in august. it seems right to say, "namaste."