a plan

(a pre-apology for the wacky fonts and bolds and spacing - i'm not sure what blogger has up it's sleeve, but after 30 minutes, i can't fix it, so be prepared)

I had a dream & I heard music & there were children standing around, but no one was dancing. I asked a little girl, why not? & she said they didn't know how, or maybe they used to but they forgot & so I started to hop up & down & the children asked me, Is that dancing? & I laughed & said, no, that's hopping, but at least it's a start & soon everyone was hopping & laughing & it didn't matter any more that no one was dancing.
-Brian Andreas StoryPeople


I'm halfway through the book The Power Of Habit, and I think I may have a plan for my smoking.  I'm not going to quit.  Correct.  But,  one of my fears about quitting has always been the weight gain (went from size 6 to 12 in a month last time).  That got me thinking about joining a gym first, or figuring out a way to incorporate more exercise into my daily routine.  Standing or sitting in one place all day while i work, has made me sluggish and chunky.  and it isn't the shape of my exterior that has me all stressed - fabulous people come in all sizes, as do hateful people.  it's the fact that getting heavier means buying new clothes to fit, and i just restocked the local Goodwill in my recent closet purge.  and i'd much rather spend money on other things.  so the two things will work together...i will continue to smoke BUT - only after I've taken a brisk 30 minute walk and drink a glass of water.  the walk/water rule will allot me 2 cigarettes.  whenever i want them...two in a row, or spaced over an hour, two hours, etc.  but after those two are smoked, another walk/water break must be started.  this could work.  i believe it can.  and i am asking for all good thoughts and prayers.
why walking? well, first of all, i live in the woods, basically, and am surrounded by beautiful smells and sights and nature and all good things, which includes trails through those woods. if i have to get in my car to go to a gym or yoga studio every time i want to exercise, it won't happen. history has proven that to me. but walking the trails - instant. open the door an start putting one foot in front of the other. and then there's Sam & Mary. when I was growing up, we lived in an apartment complex for a time. not just any apartment complex...this one was still being built, and was one of the nicest ones around...an address to be proud of in it's time. and there seemed to be an unwritten qualifier to the application that you needed to be Jewish. I know, but it was a different time. we nicknamed the place Hanukkah Heights. but there was an older couple that lived there, Sam & Mary, that I've always remembered. not because Sam guarded the gate to the pool, and not for their heavy German accent, or the number tattoos on their arms, or because Mary would turn the garden hose on us when we were misbehaving & in range. They were old & sedentary. and Sam was told he would die soon, due to his inactivity and heart problems. this was waaay before Plavix and pills to control just about anything that befell you. "walk," his doctor told him. so every morning, Sam would walk. a few yards at first, then the loop around the apartment complex, then up and down the road and around the apartment complex. every single day. and soon Mary joined him. Their walk was their life. they walked incessantly. and years went by, and Sam & Mary were still walking...not laid to rest, as their doctor had forewarned. but healthy and with as much speed and stamina as us kids. (almost). this was also long before organized commercial gyms and fitness centers and spas. just one foot in front of the other. every single day. Sam would be around for many years to torment us at the pool, "Sign in your name!" he'd gruffly yell at us when we approached the gate. He took his job, and his walk, very seriously. so i think walking will be the thing.
the cool thing about this book is that it shows the relationship between the cue, the action, and the reward. i'm hoping that the healthier walking habit will replace the smoking habit for a relaxation payoff. i've identified my cues - when i'm more apt to smoke a lot - and if i can respect myself enough to stay with the plan, then this could just work. i have a tendency to give myself permission to cheat. but the additional reward of saving for a Paris trip in 1 year will be added incentive. i'm going to dust off my high school French, and sign up for a French class at the local adult ed, in order to make it more real. (did you know i wanted to be a french teacher when i was in high school? thank you, Madam Whorrall for making it seem so possible). I've calculated the cost of each cigarette, and will put the amount i've saved each day into a special account to watch it grow. my husband did that when he quit tobacco, and is saving for a boat.
so that's my plan. nothing else has worked. this will. i just know it. Plus, diva will get her daily walk earlier in the day so i don't feel guilty about walking without her. this is to be a brisk walk, and there's nothing brisk about her daily walk anymore.
wish me belief ....

handsome husband and Perfect Stepdaughter are taking a father/daughter trip to DC. they left this morning, after husband did a quick turnaround/change luggage/sleep a few hours breeze through the house...he'd just gotten back from a weeklong biz trip. i cooked an awesome dinner for myself, instead of the usual chips in front of the TV...watched a few movies...am reading The Power Of Habit now, and have decided that i may be able to quit smoking if my goal is to take all that saved money & go to Paris in a year. it's ridiculous that my attempts to quit have not yet been successful, and i hate that something that nasty controls my life. it really does. i remember being offered a job, and one of my first thoughts: how far to the front door? can i make it outside for a smoke, then back to my desk within the allotted break time? and going to a movie is like a ticking timebomb...after the movie ends, it's a race to the door, through a mall and outside to smoke. then catch up with friends and being the stinky one. i really hate it. by the way - smokers are aware that their clothes smell, that their habit is inconvenient, that their breath smells, that they are wasting tons of money and their health. and don't even get me going about the stinky car...how many times have i felt the need to warn people that, although i'm happy to drive somewhere, the car is stinky. i suppose it's the least i can do so you aren't trapped in it unawares. most smokers would give anything to have the habit just Be Gone...but according to a Dr friend of mine, the nicotine habit is harder to break than heroin. so, not to be rude here, but disdainful looks and comments are not a help. we know you mean well, but if paying $10.50 a pack isn't stopping us, then the evil eye is not going to cut it. thank you for caring, though. i have tried chantix, wellbutrin, hypnosis, acupuncture, inhaler thingies, lozenges, patches, drops, cold turkey, deprivation, smoking only outside, smoking only on even number hours...pretty much everything. i've smoked in the hospital bathroom when i was a patient, i smoked when i had pneumonia, bronchitis, root canals (and if dry socket doesn't cure you, i dare say nothing will)...it's been a battle. and yes, i feel badly about it. but the fact remains that i smoke, and right now, it is a part of the package. hopefully i can be done with this mess Very Soon. i want to be able to hug my friends without wondering if i'm grossing them out. i'm hypersensitive about that. and i DO care about it. it just has not been easy to master this habit yet. but soon.... so what was i talking about before i took that left turn? oh, right...house to myself. and suddenly i felt older...remember the days when being home on a saturday night was the Worst Possible Social Fate? funny, now i crave it! any day of the week. but not a lot of them in a row. maybe i'll take a friend to the movies tomorrow. just make sure it's a short one...

i stole this from Stephanie Lee's blog...she's right - look what can happen without video game distraction...

this will get your heart pumping!

got tix! yeah, i know...i probably already told you....

from Brian Andreas: I still fly a lot in my dreams, she told us, but I try to stay close to the ground. At my age, a fall can be pretty serious. It's funny, but as we get older, we're supposed to get wiser, right? sometimes we get more careful instead...nothing like a mortgage and a family to support and car payments and car pools and laundry - all that "real life" stuff - becomes the new reality...and stepping to the side to remember our dreams and hopes and plans for our life that we wished upon stars for when we were younger, well, they seem like a selfish luxury...who are you to want to (fill in the blank) when your kids need new cleats for football, or what if it doesn't work out? what if the dreams i held as a child / teenager / young adult - what if those dreams were just pie in the sky? how will the credit cards get paid and they'll ruin my credit and the mortgage will be late and we'll be homeless living in a van down by the river and my kids will hate me and my husband/wife will blame it all on me and i.will.be.a.failure. a big dripping stinky failure. there are thousands of variations on that theme. thousands of reasons big & small, real & imagined, that stop us. or waiting for the perfect time - after the kids are gone, after the mortgage is paid, after i save X number of dollars as a cushion (which never seems to happen. see above "cleats.") so we dream smaller. and safer. and maybe a huge art career with paintings in a prestigious gallery, or a lucrative licensing contract becomes a dedicated area in the house (with a real door) for us to paint or sew or doodle and dream or write that novel that's been perking inside. and maybe that is just perfect. our goals and dreams change, morph, become candy coated or end up found in an old winter coat pocket covered in fluff and old kleenex. but you see, they are still our dreams - our spark...the piece of us that make us US. and in some way they need to be honored...given sunlight...i watched a documentary recently about a woman who is a well-noted art collector. she really wanted to be a sculptor, but never felt she had the gift. so she worked and worked and spent every cent she could on other people's art. and that was good enough for her. her home was filled with incredible art. (actually FILLED - she would easily be termed a hoarder unless you looked carefully). i guess my point is to never give up on your dreams. even if they need to be modified to your adult life. it's crazy/fun to screw up your courage and say, "i'm going to dive in head first, and trust the net will be there." and it may be. but do you have the nerve for it? can you face down the fear and the family commentary when things are slow? and maybe they won't be slow - maybe you'll have to run to catch up with everything...all i can tell you from my seat here is that your dreams never give up on you...somehow, sometime, and usually with regularity, you'll find yourself wondering "what if i had..." Make time for whatever conversation you need to have with your dreams...make time to let that spark out, however it may be configured in the life you chose...it isn't necessary to heave the table over and start a new meal just because the salad isn't crisp enough...am i saying "lessen your dream" on one hand and "grab the ring and ride" on the other? no. just know what your deepest gut feeling is telling you...know your comfort level...you are no more or no less the person of your dreams by living them the best you can in the life you have.

good advice

i love Madea - I channel her when I yell at the kids. this video has a lot of wisdom - Madea style. it's a little long but worth every second...wishing you strong roots....

this morning, i wrote my hopes, dreams and prayers on the shower wall with a soap crayon...as i shampooed my hair, i looked around me and saw it all there...the handwriting on the wall, as it were...a watery vision board... i think this will be a new practice

to say the year has started out with a bang and a wobble is probably an understatement...so many core beliefs i held were tested to their breaking point...no surprise, my physical health suffered, with pneumonia & bronchitis lasting months, flattening me and taking away any energy for inspiration or stamina in the studio. just as i was ready to throw away my brushes and gel medium, a spark was lit once again. more like a bonfire. and i've been painting in a style i've never done before, with results that i'm actually pleased about. Necklace orders and re-orders have been coming in steady for the new Squam 2012 designs (keeping it simple) and my studio is humming with enthusiasm once again. now to keep up! I have a few shows coming up, and some artwork to be published! But in the midst of this, a shaking of friendships and connections...ones that i thought were solid, heart attachments showed themselves to be so much sugar that melted with the damp snow...others surprised me - my mistaking their quiet, gentleness for "acquaintance," when the connection was deeper, but less in need of a constant communication...one of those Golden Tethers. Priorities were recalibrated...boundaries reset...a deep look inside to help the sorting...and when i thought every possible stone had been lifted, and the squishy things revealed, another Something would slam into me. there was always one constant in my life that i could depend on for respite, and when that was removed, it set off yet another chain of ugly emotions and reactions that i didn't know existed inside me. and you know, there's no moving forward with those kind of screaming toddlers clinging to your ankles. so it has been a tiring and tense 6 months, as i alternately tried to run from the issues, and stand & clear them. and finally, on this first day of March (already??) i can say that a sense of peace & direction has finally returned...would i wish to go through all that again? no possible way. but the result was worth the mess. much like my studio these days. i have to say, that up until last night, there remained some dangling threads to the tapestry. but last night i received the news that a woman who has been a dear dear light in my life was given a devastating medical diagnosis, followed by the doctors telling her there was "no hope" for treatment. i cannot fathom what her heart and mind and body are going through. i simply cannot wrap my head around it. and my feelings are not even in this bigger equation. she made the announcement to her facebook family last night, after spending the day with the news. she has decided that she will live her life to the fullest with whatever time has been allotted her. we all know there's no such thing as "no hope." and that a no-hope diagnosis is not always what God has intended, so He ignores the doctors. but it shifted reality. for all of those people she's touched. it shifted. in ways that focused on her, and in ways that made us focus on others in our lives. and suddenly it seemed easier to just cut those dangling threads and be done with all the minutiae of emotional scorekeeping and personal development and worries in general...cut them rather then spend eternity sorting out this and that, only to realize 5 years, 10 years have gone by and now there's little time left. those dangling little threads can choke you, for certain. they can wrap around you and keep you in place forever. To quote a very Wise woman, "You'll never figure this shit out, so just move forward." and with my new purple suede boots, that is exactly what i will do.

what wants "out" of your canvas?

yes. it's true. i am sick again. what is going on?? i paid my dues last oct-december, i should think. yesterday, i got up at 4 or 5am, had a cup of coffee, went to the studio and stared vacantly like a zombie on Quaaludes. then promptly went back to bed for a few hours. by 3pm, i was back in bed for the day/evening, waking only when husband yelled HOLY COW! over a daytona 500 wreck (yes, he's a huuuge fan). then back on the pillow for the night. fever, chills, fever, chills in endless rotation. what the heck?? today - much of the same, but am determined to get some paint splashed around, and some resin cooking. some amazing designs came to light in my fevered dreams, inspired in part by Nyquil. right now, i'm being guarded by diva and bulimia cat...both laying on my studio floor facing each other, pretending to sleep, but keeping a watchful eye for a flicker of movement from the other. kitten has started sassing back at diva...when diva growls at him/her to "be gone," kitten hums some kitty love song, which in turn makes diva madder because you can't hate love, right? apparently, you can't hurry it either - it's been 2 years since kitten moved in, and diva is still not pleased. but bulimia cat is patient. Last night...amazing sight...i went to the kitchen for a glass of water, snapped on the light so i wouldn't trip over any manner of cat toy the dog has "hidden," and there outside my window in February was a glorious fat moth. yes. a moth. i'm not sure what they do in central new york in the winter, but it isn't flutter up and down a window at night. or any other time. and i know it was real, because having been awakened by the HOLY COW incident, i compelled husband to come into the kitchen to see it for himself. and he saw it too. not just me and my nyquil. i have so many projects i want to start/finish/design/gel...not sure if rest is the order of the day, or if i should just push through, aided by chemistry. i have jewelry orders lined up on my bench, paintings waiting patiently to be finished/gessoed over & restarted, linen and canvas to stretch over stretcher bars (thanks to Caroleena a/k/a caroline Szozda, gallery owner, Guardian of the Artist, momma hen to any & all who cross her path). and a queue of instant play netflix movies to watch. i finally FINALLY got the name of the Japanese movie I've been dying to re-watch: Departures. i saw it a few years ago, and fell in love with the sweet, sad, story. mostly sweet. all in english subtitles, which i thought would make me crazy, but after 5 minutes, i swore i was understanding the Japanese. i wasn't, but just sayin. last night i had a dream that i went through a hole in the wall in my kitchen (we don't actually have a hole in the wall - this was nyquil inspired) and was in NYC in front of a museum that held all the artwork in the world. you paid whatever you could, or left a donation of a tube of paint, and could stay there as long as you wanted...they had little pod apartment things so you didn't have to leave...just nap and continue. how cool would that be? but i think it's definitely overdue for a museum/gallery trip. what is your favorite museum in nyc? if you had just 2 days to visit, what would you see? ok - some nice steamy hazlenut hot chocolate and my pillow. the bug wins for now.

well, i had a really cool pictures of the snow falling mightily on my kayaks. but my phone and computer just aren't speaking (still) so imagine this: yesterday morning smelled of spring - even the honking of returning geese filled the lake. every sense was filled to bursting with freshness, and the sun warmed my back as diva and I made our trek through the woods. Right In Front Of Us, barred owl swooped toward an unsuspecting squirrel, but pulled up short and returned to his tree where the path makes a turn toward the second pond, and evergreen give way to birches and cherry trees and ancient oaks. treetops filled with song and the icy skim on the lake began transforming itself into soft undulations. bucolic, right? a few hours later, BAM! a clap of thunder came suddenly overhead, bringing a blinding flash of lightning. the house shivered almost as much as diva. then rain. the cold, pelting kind that slaps your face and finds a path to trickle down your back as you bend your head to escape it's slap. then the wind began, tossing trees branches to the ground, as they dared to swell with early buds. gusty howling drove rain sideways, making me fear for diva as she reluctantly went out back for a last potty break before bed. this morning...snow covering my waiting kayaks. so it appears that we shall have all 4 seasons every day - something for everyone. Thursday, i participated in a webinar featuring one of my favorite people on earth: Christine Mason Miller. we ran through one of the exercises in her book, Desire to Inspire. (which you should own). it seemed simple and crafty on the face of it, and a lot of fun. but then you got to thinking. and you know the trouble i can get into when i get all thought up, right? but back to the webinar. she had us pick 5 characters from fiction, history, movies, etc, that we admired. for the sake of time we narrowed it to 2. then we wrote the name of each on separate pieces of paper (or your journal, if you're a journaler). then list the characteristics of each...then list a defining moment or quote in the book/film, etc, that speaks to you. then we pretended that we had an opportunity to sit with that "person." what would they say to you? (i may have these instructions a little sideways - so much has happened since thursday). It was clutch time, and i had to think quick, so of course i came up with...nothing. well, not nothing nothing. but nothing that would wouldn't reveal me to be the trash-movie watcher that i am...nothing, umm, smart. but i wanted to participate. so i said Be Damned to my inner critic, and picked a character that has haunted me since i first saw the movie of the same name: Precious. if you saw the movie, you know there are parts that are almost heartbreakingly unwatchable. and yet, Precious just goes about her day, slogging through whatever has to get done...wearing any anger or hurt under the protection of many layers of clothes and body. yet she is gentle and patient with life - makes no excuses, just does what she knows is right and does what she can with what's handed her. in her circumstance, she has a sense of ownership of her life, even though her circumstance is pitched wildly out of her control. yet she waits for her opportunities, even though she has no indication or expectation that things will ever change....she just hangs on moment by moment. so, i got to the part in the exercise where we write down what our "person" says to us. and the filtered down-to-it's-essence version is: Keep going. you just have to keep going. and i realized what great advice that is...to stop when faced with challenge leaves you sitting in the muck. go through, keep going. much like the pelting rain/sleet/snow of yesterday...rather than stand there bitching about how much i hated the icy drips down my neck, i had to keep going til i got home, or stand there getting soaked and battered like some sort of human pinata, while nature had her way with me. the other thing i admired about Precious was that she was pretty much derided by every person she came in contact with (except her school counselor Maria Carey with no makeup), but you got a feeling that she still didn't bother with pondering if she was better or worse than anyone else....she just ...was. i won't spoil the ending, but it's a deceptively simple film. difficult to watch in some parts, but worth staying with. In the webinar, we made small index card collages of the word(s) of wisdom (well i didn't actually do it then because i had no idea we needed supplies ready before the webinar, but i did it later). loved it! Thank you Swirly and Create Mixed Media! Later in the evening, I watched Moneyball, totally procrastinating taxes and reworking a painting (but honestly - if the roof was going to blow off the house, the last place i wanted to be was on the top floor). same kind of theme here - the Brad Pitt character made the best of his circumstance, believed so strongly in the direction he wanted to go and plowed through...even though it could likely get him fired and blacklisted in baseball. but - the flip side of the risk was changing the way baseball was done. and that risk was worth it to him. he was all in. i know i'm rambling. sorry. and it's time to hit the canvas without tying these thoughts up in a nice bow. but maybe there is no nice bow. maybe i just drank too much coffee this morning. and these are just some thoughts escaping the hamster wheel through my fingers. but the wind howling outside makes me feel cozy inside, in my studio, and the allure of quin nickel azo gold is just too hard to resist. wishing you a day of certainty, even in the face of changing windstorms....

you rock the world

thank goodness for west coast friends...the ones who call at 5am when you're having your 1st or 2nd cup of coffee, and they're just finishing their day...you get up early, they stay up late. we could never be roommates - neither one of us would sleep. but, in those world-quiet moments chatting, i want to get on a plane and be there in person. this morning we chatted about "self improvement." rather, the glut of self-improvement visionaries and books and CD's and DVD's and retreats and workshops...you get the point. and the theme that ran through our conversation was that it wasn't really "improvement." it was non-acceptance. or insecurity. or shame. but that a person is created, and has life experiences, to be the very person they are. That the person they are has a profound mission or place in the world: to be themselves. Much like a recipe, if it calls for cilantro, you simply cannot substitute cinnamon. and if a person is continually wanting to be more like someone else, then their unique place in the world is not being fulfilled. i guess this is a running theme of conversations between us. neither of us can fathom why a person wants to act like someone else, when it's so much easier and fulfilling to be who they really are. so to buy into a self-improvement mindset is to reject the gift that is you. we agreed that self-awareness, and self-growth, and self-acceptance, etc, were all good things to chase, but not at the expense of losing that first word: self. I know tons of artists that i admire, and that are far more skilled than i. do i want to learn from their techniques? try to stop me! but do i want my art to look just like theirs? no. no matter how bad the result of a day at my studio produces, to do anything less than have my own personal conversation with the canvas or rusty metal or fragrant beeswax would be cheating myself and would be pointless. there already IS one of them...there needs to be one of me. you may admire certain traits in another person, but is your heart calling you to reach higher towards your expression of those traits, or is it self-deception covering self-hatred? (maybe hatred is too strong a word, but you know what i mean.) and so we continued our chat - one idea spawning another, til it became light here and darker there (or maybe it became lighter there by this time!) and we finally said our goodbyes for the day. i picked up the brushes and paints and wood icing and sandpaper, and began to work with new colors inspired by someone near and dear to me. the composition is my own - the colors began as one of their palettes. and doggone it, if it didn't end up with my own swerve to it. Later, as i took a break, i kanoodled around the world wide web and found this on The Roots Of She: Buckminster Fuller : Never forget that you are one of a kind. Never forget that if there weren’t any need for you in all your uniqueness to be on this earth, you wouldn’t be here in the first place. And never forget, no matter how overwhelming life’s challenges and problems seem to be, that one person can make a difference in the world. In fact, it is always because of one person that all the changes in the world come about. So be that person. ditto. wishing you each a day uniquely your own.....

i finally gave in...feverish all night...feverish today...drowsy...needing to wrap up in a cozy comforter and sleep...am taking the day to do just that...a nice shower with some extra special handmade soap i've been saving, then cuddles with diva. putting the word out - needing some free canvases...new or used (will gesso). (or gessobord or claybord!) not fussy! nap now...nighty night...

so far - a very productive day in the studio...started out with a little trance dancing to get the rpm's up, then got right to it...my new easel (thanks handsome hubby) is working out fantastic! it's so much easier to get perspective by leaving a painting up at eye level, and walking away for a few minutes. when you walk back in the room, it's staring at you, the way it would if it was hung on a wall, rather than lying flat on the worktable. i'm waiting very impatiently for the Art-Is-You schedule to be posted...registration opens the end of february, and listen, huh? it IS the end of february sort of right now. whine. stomp. so far, it had better run 20 days, because there are at least 20 classes i have to take or forfeit my peace of mind. gah. i've got jessie j rocking the iPod, mixed in with Guru Ma....go figya. i think that's why one half of this painting looks like it doesn't belong to the other half. i want to keep going, but am feeling the pillow call. no point in trying to break through it. so, a nap, a walk with diva, a shower (finally) and then FINALLY to the post office...i am SO sorry if you've been waiting for mail from me. this kidney infection is whoopin my behind. off to na na land now - zzzzz

this morning, i felt a strong intuition to post something on facebook basically asking people to let those you love & care about know that you love and care about them. little did i know that i would be the recipient of a message from a longtime friend that was so astoundingly sweet and wonderful that it's like chocolate. we've known each other since i was around 13, and have shared so many bumps and turns and highs and lows, but i had no idea she thought some of the things she shared with me in that note. and we hold each other's deepest secrets. when my dad passed away in 1977, i missed out on telling him how much i loved him...missed it by 6 hours...and have held that in a little box inside for all this time. our family dynamic was such that we never really hugged or said "i love you" to each other. i had a deep intuition that night that i should stay at the hospital...the nurses had even put out blankets and a pillow in this little conference room with a couch, which had never happened in all the months he had been there. but i went home that night. and when we got the call to come back in the wee hours, it was already too late. they said that for the first time in months, he had sat up and was perfectly lucid. the guilt and sense of utter frustration and of being cheated softened some through the years, but never left. so i learned from that, and from that day forward, have always tried my best to remember to tell those close to me that they matter...that they are indeed loved...that they have worth...that they make me happy...that i appreciate them. it may make some people feel uncomfortable, and one person i met 5 years ago seems especially put off by it, but i will always always tell it anyway. not to belabor a point. this has been a difficult bunch o' months for me, and i want to use this space to say thank you to those who have held on, held up, stayed strong for me, jumped with joy & happy danced with me, and knelt in prayer with me. it's been that kinda ride. i've made peace with so many things, and helped others make peace. and life being what it is, that whole flow thing, i know it will all just keep on the way it should. and i wouldn't have it any other way.

wrinkles

darn - i tried uploading some really swell pictures, but the droid & mac are not speaking, so you'll just have to look at font. This morning, as i was going through a box o' books, i spied "A Wrinkle In Time" and was instantly transported back to the first time i read it...licorice laces close at hand...a warm summer day with a nice breeze sneaking in my bedroom window as i read it cover-to-cover...so today, on a cold winter day, with the sun streaming in my window, i have plans to re-read it. i've forgotten most of it - just memory swatches of moments and a few words, but mostly the feeling of it...grandmotherly protection and adventure and bravery... i should just stay in bed with it all day and break this fever, but i have a few "in progress" paintings that need attention, and am expecting some good love from the mail today, so want to finish up before the mailman comes. (which gets later every day!)* a short post for now - if i don't get busy, then the morning will slip past... wishing you protection in all your adventures today.... *okay - so no one reminded me it's a holiday and there's no mail. very funny, y'all!

the puppy-ear saga continues...poor thing...i try to tell her she looks beautiful, but she knows i am lying lying lying. the shaved ear is just not pretty. i'd post a picture, but really - who needs to see that? getting the capsules into her is a an exercise in futility...i use pill pockets, and have to watch her chew them - invariably, the pocket is eaten, and the now-slimy pill is sitting on the floor. all nice and neat. or not, if the capsule breaks and the powder goes all over. then we have the drops. 6 in each ear. who makes this stuff up?? can they make 1 powerful drop?? i try to sneak up on her...i try to show her i'm going to do it...neither way works. she gets that little lip curled up and goes into kujo mode. i may need an antibiotic before this is done. oh, and then THEN there's the cream. ah yes. this stuff smells worse than garbage. sort of a sulfur-y smell, and she clearly does. not. like. it. She's always been nuts about her ears, so of course this is an ear thing. not sure why she keeps getting yeast infections in her ears, but this is the 3rd one. so by the time i hit the studio, i need a shower, and she is fit to be tied. of course, bulimia cat gets all helpful during this process, and that torques diva out even more. then kitten gets upset and - you guessed it - barfs all over. who knew working from home would be this complicated? luckily, diva is a late sleeper, so i can get some coffee in me and some work done before she rises & shines. all night long i hear jingle jingle, and think "SANTA!" but no, it's just diva's tags rattling when she shakes her head. she does it intentionally (when she isn't sick) to let me know she has to go out. like i am her servant - ring the bell, and the person will come running. and despite all this, i do love her so much. so enough of this - time to paint! wishing you a day with all the bells and whistles!

so how did this girl get to the woman she is today? How did this selfsame small, fierce person waltz down the middle of a runway, unannounced & unregistered as a contestant in a beauty contest, and find herself wearing a tiara 10 minutes later...staring straight into the camera with all confidence and ownership as if she was just taking her rightful place on the throne - er - lawn chair? and grow through years of feeling like the ugly duckling...the square peg...the friend to all, but Known by none...and then turn, and search back through the layers to find that spark of righteousness and rightness and sense of Being and truth...and lighting that torch again - or rediscovering it was there all along - and burning away the deceits she had placed upon her very own heart til it beat just a little weaker...and with apology for it's existence...and then holding that torch within her again with a roar I AM...and this time knowing. exactly. who.she.was.talking.about. How did it happen? how did she she let it slip from her knowing self, the certainty of her steps and purpose? better to ask - how did it happen, the reclaiming...with true hearts guiding and bearing her up and refolding maps and simply celebrating Who She Is, with no apologies and all gentleness and gratitude. (photo by Brian Gordon Greene/squidoo) Mourning doves have been camping and flocking in my trees suddenly...a quick turn around a corner could find an in-flight face-to-beak encounter, if one or the other doesn't make fast evasive moves...their song seemingly so sad, giving their name...and yet, so gentle is their voice...so absolutely soft is their belly...even their color invites relaxing...the mourning dove does not look flightworthy in any way, and yet their wings whistle the accomplishment...

I promise you not a moment will be lost as long as I have heart & voice to speak & we will walk again together with a thousand others & a thousand more & on & on until there is no one among us who does not know the truth: there is no future without love. _ Brian Andreas, StoryPeople Wishing you a day of sweet hugs, and remembrances from those you love.......

an incredible show at Szozda....Phil Parsons. He is an incredible human, and his work....oy....his work just brings me to tears. there's one painting in particular that just tells my heart to grab the credit card. *sigh* but it would not be possible to sneak $1K through. so, i visit it. am still trying to get my stamina back. by noon, I'm useless, and by 2pm, i better be near a pillow. the 2 hours in between that are spent trying to push through, but usually drooling and slurring and otherwise in an exhausted state. my fibro has been really screaming the past 2 days. BUT...the sun has been on full force today. after snow yesterday, an apology came from the sky, and diva and i walked even slower through the woods this morning. she has a vet appointment tomorrow, so i'm pre-apologizing to her with plenty of snuggles and hugs. hopefully she'll remember them tomorrow when they torture her. this has gone from a simple pedicure to a full exam, once i spotted a huge sore behind her ear. she is also licking her front leg like a junkie scratches their track marks. (at least so i see on TV). so Dr. Ewa will fix her. love this vet. we are both acting like old ladies today, so it's nice to have company. i actually have 3 paintings started...1 might be finished, i'm not sure. and i finished some Tiffany-style heart necklaces to take to the gallery, and put on my website, so i've been somewhat productive. i just need to get my daily rhythm back. no more owl sightings, although i did almost have a mourning dove crash into the side of my head this morning. they just don't seem that brilliant of a bird. and they don't look air-worthy, but there they fly anyway. that whistling noise is actually from the way their wing feathers are constructed, not a noise they make intentionally in their throats. in case that tidbit comes up at a cocktail party, now you're prepared, smartypants. PSD went back to school today and i miss her. she came to the show opening with me, and it was good company. ok - no more fight left - time to nap....maybe more later.....

I've been listening to Jen Lee's "The Iconic Self" CD set...you can read my feelings about "self-help" type of things in my post a few back. This video has been snatched from Jen's blog, (with permission) found here. the truths she gently brings out are SMACK full of stuff. this one in particular made me realize that my recent dry spell in the studio is, in part, coming from trying so hard to meet expectations - of myself, of my mentors, of the gallery - and that somewhere in there, my natural flow was being crippled. this morning, i listened to this short video, then went to let diva out back. it was 4am. and i have this large piece i've been working on (well, was working on months ago - now it just laughs & taunts me) sitting on a table in my studio...the first thing i see when i walk in the door to the studio. and i have some text i want to add to it, but just couldn't bring myself to. it just seemed too jarring & obvious, but it was what the inspiration for the piece (and a series of pieces i had planned) was about...but for some reason i just couldn't work up the enthusiasm. so this morning, with this video getting me thought up, i grabbed some scrap wood and just began to smear every manner of art supply on it...just to force my hands to work...the muscle memory. and then went outside again for a smoke break, and saw the sun was starting to come up, and i tell you the only way to describe the sky is in cliche and words not even sufficient...because it was not a sky that had been created for words, just for the senses. so to say the clouds were like pink cotton candy against a baby blue sky is as ridiculous as saying the Mona Lisa is a painting of a woman using dark tones. and as i took it all in, a thought made it's way past the barbed wire wall that has held my creativity hostage for these months, and bam! it hit me like The Original Thought. and i realized that the text would, indeed, cheapen the intention of the piece...that it was meant to be more of a conversation with the senses, than an emotional outburst of a specific topic...that the interpretation of the piece was meant to be individual, with each viewer bringing his or her history to it. i know what the piece is about for me, but that is secondary to what i feel my expression of art should be. so. there you have it. all dragged out under a cotton candy sky in the wee hours of the morning, with indescribable pain shooting through my knees and ankles. all dragged out by a quick little video made by gentle-voiced BAMF from Brooklyn. do not underestimate this woman...she holds deep truths.

this morning i noticed the clouds were pink against the blue sky as the hint of morning dawned weaving through the charcoal fingers of the sleeping maple cocooned alone with the cardinal i drank it in body soul spirit and my hands recited the poetry against the stark white

my goal: to take a workshop with this incredible artist, Daniella Woolf There's been a lot of shaking and moving in the studio the past few days...mostly inner work...as I get down & dirty with art supplies, I've been listening to Jen Lee's CD's "The Iconic Self." I suppose I thought "Well let's see what this is about, but I doubt there's anything new-to-my-old-soul on it." ok, who was wrong? anyone? Buehler? it is a lovely, delicate, strong, matter-of-fact-but-loaded-gun work that (when i least expect it) touches something in me. She recorded this along with Phyllis Mathis, and it will be going along tra-la-la-interesting anecdote-gentle gentle, then WHAT DID YOU SAY??? bam. a truth hits home. and i realize that you never really stop learning...there isn't ever a point where you have it all figured out. i always thought there was a time in your life where you'd sit back and say "*deep exhale* whew. glad that's done! I now have it all figured out, so i can spend the rest of my life nodding sagely & knowingly at everyone else." because i've been blessed with a stream of strong women in my life (many blessings upon you Penny) who have just seemed so in control of themselves, and have lived the life i aspire to, i misled myself into thinking that they had it all together. they didn't, but that doesn't make them any less strong, wonderful, vulnerable, role model material, beautiful, giving, kind...you get the idea. they still had their challenges, for sure. they just dealt with them with confidence and grace. they picked a direction and moved forward, trusting that they would handle any unintended excitement along the way. One such woman shocked SHOCKED everyone by announcing she was divorcing her husband of 23 years. she had waited until the last of her kids was out of high school and off to college, then moved on with her life on her terms. no one ever knew she was that unhappy in her marriage until that day. she had made a choice to not disrupt her kids' life, and went about her days in grace and happiness, for it was her choice to do so. then, she packed her bathing suit, some family pictures, her Amex card, and moved to a more tropical locale. just like that. i haven't seen her in many years (she was the mother of my ex-boyfriend) but her daily examples of how to live a gracious life took root in me...if a family was struggling, she would anonymously get help to them...when her kids were enrolled in a dance class, and another family was falling behind on their tuition, she quietly paid it, and bought new dance gear for their kids. she raised her kids in generosity of spirit and gentleness in their dealings with Any Other People. i remember her kindnesses to me at a time of great difficulty in my life...her giving was much more than financial. i was considered a part of the family...just sort of folded in to the loud, fantastic, world that was their family. I'm not sure why i'm off on this tangent, but there you have it. today, i will be more gracious. today i will be more kind. today i will ask myself, "What Would Penny Do?"

synapse balloon

lightly tethered drift between yes and no, or not or just standing still......

wow - what a difference the alphabet makes - at least when you're talking vitamins! last week i started taking a good multivitamin, along with my prescription D, wowa. the energy was amazing (compared to my recent state of sloth-like being, anyway). and i finally started making again....9 new necklaces for Valentine's Day (2 of which sold the first moment they hit the gallery), and errands completed. There's been an owl stalking me. i swear. last wednesday, she flew over my head - very closely - as i walked diva. the next night, there was such an owl racket up in one of the trees behind my house, as 2 of them argued about something. then friday night, diva went out back to go potty, and being the private pooper that she is, headed to The Dark Spot behind a tangle of trees. but she stopped and just stood there, frozen. i thought, "uh oh - skunk," and raced over to her, thinking/not thinking i would grab her and go. just then a huge barred owl took flight from less than a foot away, swooped us, then settled in a tree nearby. i love owls, am fascinated by how their bodies and inclinations work, but by God they better not try to eat my diva. she stayed in the tree looking down at us, as i scooped poor diva up and ran for the door (remembering that once their talons lock in, they cannot release them till their prey goes limp). yes, i like my predators a little further away, thank you. I've also been gifted a mass of porcupine quills to make some jewelry from, thanks to Pork Chop (who i renamed Fontaine secretly). (what is your secret name, by the way?) all this nature in my face lately. Owls ask us to spend quiet time in the dark and listen to our intuition...they bring power and clarity of sight. Porcupines tell us we're protected, and herald magical abilities. so what the heck is coming?? hopefully a lottery win. i feel my creativity starting to bubble again, and am excited about what will show up... wishing you a magical day, protected from the slings and arrows that may cross your path....

divorce

Dear Google, Get out of my private business, thank you very much. Your new "privacy" policy is just a head's up that you'll be taking information you've already collected about me, and distributing it to people YOU trust. really? what if I don't trust them? can I opt out? can I say "wipe me out of your files" ? it appears not. and because you've insinuated yourself into my daily life - including the cell phone I own - all i can do is limit the damage by using Bing, and yes, using a different platform for this blog. do we have a voice in this? nope. pretty scary when you think about it. is anyone on the other end of your 800 number? nope. tried to get customer service to try to figure out a continuous error on my cell phone. so, as best as i can - i'm divorcing you google.

isn't it just the way things go? Orders are coming in left, right, and centerfield JUST at the time I decided to return to my Big Girl Job part time...the solitary studio walls were getting to me big time, and really how many times can you go through your iPod list in a day? The offer was tempting me for a while, and soon i realized that my website can run itself, and i will still have time to create...the scheduling is that good. strangely, i felt sad at first to return. i don't do change easily. and i wondered if i was giving up, or maybe being lazy by letting someone else (a corporation) worry about paying the bills. but i realized that, more than anything, i need human interaction on a regular basis. and this half in/half out configuration will supply that. and if i had a list of things i would want to do if i HAD to work outside the studio, then i have to say the list was fulfilled. so, my studio is still operational...my website is still operational...my creative time is still there, just shifted...and yes, i am very happy to make you a necklace or collage. anytime! (for peeps in the Syracuse area...I will be delivering a limited number of one-of-a-kind Valentine inspired necklaces to Szozda Gallery this weekend!) ahh. so i guess it is possible to have it all!

(photo by Bates Littlehales, NatGeo) yes, it's true. i have been battling ferociously against torpor...that sneaky, pea soup in the brain feeling...the feeling that you are trying to run a race through thigh-high wet cement. grickly grackly mind-numbing. and crabby, but i've managed to keep that inside, so as not to do irreparable harm to relationships i care deeply about. it can't possibly be leftover from the Grim Creeping Death that had me down since October. i'm just not sure what the heck is going on. tonight, i stopped in to wander the halls of the Delavan, and soak up some of that artistic mojo that hangs in the air, and i realized how long it's been since i was there, and how long it's been since i've created anything for the sake of creating it. way too long. my bones feel dry with it...my frustration leeches out onto the canvas...small dribs and drabs that are quickly covered up with gesso. inspiring post tonight, no? but this is my sounding board...my place for my fingers to take over and tell me what my brain has been hiding from me. this morning, i got my daily email from Brian Andreas StoryPeople, and thought, " this. is. it." Waiting for the pen to dry up so he can start fresh with thoughts that are worth new ink. yes. i had complained that i was tired of doing the same-ish artwork...that i needed a new direction. so a palate-cleansing time was set in order, is what i believe. except i forgot to feed my spirit...forgot to keep the windows of my soul polished and open to let in warm breezes and bright sunshine...forgot to keep the wicks of my candle trimmed. so tonight, a porcupine reminded me that we all have built-in checks-and-balances that are natural functions of our beings...before we get too close to taking a left when we should stay straight ahead, our warning bells will go off. in my case, they hit the gear shift into neutral. there is a reason, i am certain, for this staying in place. not sure what, yet, but i know i also need to open the windows. so, the porcupine gave me many gifts tonight. they are interesting souls...they like to climb trees, but are very clumsy, so nature granted them a survival tool that they need do nothing to activate - when they fall, (and they do with regularity), a naturally occurring antibiotic is released into the quill, and basically injected into their own bodies. so they fall, but do not die from infection. you can connect the dots from the natural to the spiritual here. In some Native American teachings, the porcupine represents protection - from both outside attack and from inner spiritual attack (the tricks our mind plays on us, or the untruths we tell ourselves). little porcupine is a peaceful animal, yet protects himself fiercely if pushed too far. Porcupine gave me some other gifts tonight, but more on that in a few days. some new stuff began burbling...new ideas...new designs...new materials to work with. and sooner than soon, i hope to share those with you. for now, a nap is in order...a long night is ahead.

perfect weekend

went here: with these two - that make my heart swell with love & pride... (not such a great picture - see explanation below) happened upon a rust garden: and by the 3rd floor, felt less like a hoarder: but wanted it ALL! a perfect weekend in Albany and Saratoga...incredible food, wonderful shopping, peacefulness, seeing PSD shine as she has become her own woman. She is amazing. Fell in love with handsome husband again, too! (not such a great picture but a shaky phone at dark after key lime martinis...it's as good as it will be. poor diva spent the weekend at Camp Grandma's with tummy trouble, but bulimia cat got to stay home with the full attention of Uncle Brian. there is much love and sadness that he is not here to pet & play, apparently. today - cold & snow. yesterday - mild, sweater/no coat. go figya. am planning to get work & errands done, then spend a quiet afternoon with some Constant Comment tea, and Jen Lee's Iconic Self CD's...eyes closed, feet up, soaking in the goodness. wishing you a cozy day filled with creativity and sparkly surprises!

The very purpose of spirituality is self-discipline. Rather than criticizing others, we should evaluate and criticize ourselves. Ask yourself, what am I doing about my anger, my attachment, my pride, my jealousy? These are the things we should check in our day to day lives.

with love from the Dalai Lama yes yes yes. i know. and i have the mark on my forehead from where the words hit me. not so much acting like an ass, but feeling moody and yes, i guess angry. at who? at what? when push comes to shove, who knows? (hmmmm - push comes to shove...a lovely & peaceful phrase). I do know this...when something is wrong wrong wrong for me to do, or there is a person that is not quite what they represent, my internal radar goes off big. and i feel such a strong emotional response toward that person or path or decision, that it borders on repulsion. (more lovely visuals). not "repulsion" in the gag reflex way - but more like a force field pushing me away. that's the best way i can describe it. i have felt this toward people who i now call "friend," but at that time and place, it was important for some reason that i Not Go There. it is such a definite NO! that hits my system, that to go forward would be such an obvious mistake. (not that i haven't boldly put my shoulder to the hurricane and pushed into the storm before). but there has been such a chain of these NO NO NO's lately, as everything shifts, it has made me downright grouchy at times. so i had to sit with my inner tantrum this morning to see what it was trying to tell me...i'm not normally a person to have expectations on other people's behavior or how they run their lives, but lately it seems that things have been so delineated - so black OR white - and i've been fighting against it inside...fighting to reclaim that part of me that lives-and-lets-live. so i went to have a chat with this inner tasmanian devil, no longer fearing what i'd find, (that maybe age has morphed me into a bitch), but more to untangle, unclog, put into perspective. and i began to remember how years ago, i had asked for a "clear and definite voice" to guide my feet on the right path. i am here to say that there is no clearer voice than the turbulence that gets itself all het up in me when there is something to avoid. and i had a sense as the new year dawned, that this year Big and Fast Changes were to be afoot. and so it seems they are. now that there has been all this clearing & purging of issues and material things, there is a void. and that void needs to be filled carefully...not just bringing in new stuff and re-filling it, but perhaps bringing back in only the essentials, and leaving some breathing space...some windows for the sun to peek in and glow around everything. i watched a new show called Touch the other night. In it, there is a child who hasn't spoken in 10 years or more - his whole life. and the father figures out how his son is actually communicating. and that's what i have to be quiet & peaceful with - what is my intuition and God trying to tell me? there are clear directions, if i listen, if i allow myself stillness. and it seems nothing will move forward until i do. i have a GPS in my car that i couldn't live without. but it just tells me the next turn to take. and i need the full map right now - the fold-out kind that never re-folds the way it should, but shows the whole route so you can plan potty breaks and stops at Interesting Sights. coincidentally, I just won a copy of Jill Berry's book "Personal Geographies," which is about mapping your life in art. i never win anything, and there was a huge huge pool of people on this webinar call. and i won. how's that for a clear bell? sorta like standing in the tower of Big Ben at noon. so this is what my stillness brought to me today. my uneasiness...feeling like a spider monkey on Mountain Dew... child-in-grocery-store-past-naptime inner tantrum - it seems it was a call to Be Quiet and Be Still and Be Thoughtful for a few minutes or so, and sort out the map...find the route and mark it in highlighter, THEN engage the GPS for turn-by-turn directions. and in that perspective, it will all work. even when the GPS says "cannot locate satellite. this will end directions temporarily," and i have to punt quickly or miss the entrance ramp. wishing you clear sailing and warm breezes and maps that refold with ease....

in my pile of purged things, i have a mountain of books. and some of them are actually duplicates of books i already owned, but had gotten buried in the dishevelment that had become my studio. so i think what i may do (while supplies last, as they say) is enclose a random book with every order from my website. if it's a book you already own, pass it on! most are technique books, some are novels or non-fiction or mysteries...a bunch o' stuff. if you don't want a book (because your studio likely iis stuffed with them!) just let me know. poor diva has tummy trouble...running the stairs and out the door all night counts as exercise, right? i loaded some Forti Flora into a pill pocket for her last night finally, and hope that gets working soon. she is so sensitive to any change in the house, and with an unannounced "guest" showing up out of the blue last night, we all need some pill pockets loaded with something. Today is busy with Becky Home-ecky stuff, which i am obviously procrastinating about. stepson loaded up the washer and left - for an hour? for the day? who knows? but it has definitely changed my schedule. ggrrr. i'm working on a collage that excites me to no end. it's pretty large, and i'm taking my time with it - something i learned while attempting to draw. it does make a difference! and i still have the large marble plaster piece from the "Fissure" series staring at me. I have to get going on that one, because I need the table it's resting on. so far, bulimia cat has left that surface alone. My brother is coming to stay with him/her this weekend, and i'm sure kitty will love the undivided attention! a new paper bag on the livingroom floor=many hours of fun. okay - i have to dive into this vacuum/laundry drama before it's too late. Am also working diligently to finish some special orders for some heartfelt talisman necklaces. starting to get my shparkle back!

gentle spirit/badass MF

if you've followed this blog for any amount of time, you've probably sensed an impatience i have with the recent slew of "finding yourself" guides/workshops/videos/self-proclaimed gurus. I have been in situations where well-intentioned, but woefully not qualified people have led a group of (usually) women through exercises to help them discover their inner fears or demons or what is blocking them from having some magical tra-la-la life. Like they are. except...there are times when the door is opened, and monsters rush out, but it's time for the workshop to be over bye bye. so these observed instances have colored my view of this desperate search for some reality that is Not Your Own. I have to say - sometimes your reality just plain sucks. or was never intended to be whatever it is you are trying to emulate...the friction may be that you are trying to live contrary to what your own path is. and it's up to you to see what can be changed and what can't, and it is not likely that you will suddenly become 30 pounds thinner and an Important Artist or Better Person In Touch With the Gods/Goddesses of your belief system by taking a quick class/workshop. i know - that sounds like i just contradicted myself - find the source but don't get help. nooo - get qualified help. and know the limitations of that source. sometimes, life just Is. It is in your day-to-day reactions and actions. and if you need to go deep, seek out someone who has the paper to do it with you. ALL THIS BEING SAID.....i DO believe that there are tools you can use to help you work out some issues that may have cropped up - whether you use these in conjunction with a therapist or not is for you to determine. One of the dearest people i have met is Jen Lee. she is sweet and thought-full and will freely admit (in her blog) that there is often not a bowl of cherries sitting there waiting for you. Life is messy, but that doesn't mean it can't also be rewarding and fun and soulful and moving right along. Today she launched a Home Retreat course called Your Iconic Self. It includes 4 discs, a tote bag, a bunch o' stuff, a tshirt, and some wisdom from Phyllis Mathis and Jen Lee. (she had me at Tshirt!). I trust her to dig up some thought-provoking insights for me. yes, i ordered it this morning. i'll keep you updated. do i think that all of my life's questions will be answered by disc 2? i hope not! then what is there to look forward to in life? but what i am hoping to find is a conversation...an opening, a prompt, an unfinished sentence where i can fill in a blank. these are not deep life struggles i am hoping to challenge and tackle...they are dust bunnies that come wisping out of the corners from time to time. and so far, this year has been all about recognizing targets and clearing them away - much like the Great Closet Cleansing of the past few weeks. (btw - we ended up with husband's van FILLED with stuff that we no longer used ... all that stuff clinging to our feet & slowing us down). so the "Gentle Spirit Badass MF" title? that's one of the T-shirts you can choose when you sign up for the class :) Whether or not you choose to sign up for a workshop of some sort with anyone, or do it on your own, or access the help of a good therapist, i wish you clean corners, and room for your feet to move.....

isn't this the cutest brooch? Antique French - found at a consignment shop, and grabbed up for a song. the picture doesn't really show the background color well - it's less opal-ish...more of a solid color. Love that the bezel is a cat's open mouth! I may be figuring out some things on this Mac yet - bought a 25 pound book, and have been studying it like the SAT preps. so i figured out the "adding photos" part, obviously. Last night, while husband watched the games, I started sketching. I'm trying to teach myself how to draw portraits, which has been hit or miss - much like my cooking. Actually, I sit down with a sketch pad and pencil - and completely freeze. I had given up, not needing the negativity that the resounding failure-to-launch brought. but! Saturday, there was a Golden Artist Colors lecture/demo at the Art Store, (which i highly HIGHLY recommend and not just for the generous freebies they bring) and it sparked a small spark in me. this week, i'll be playing with tar gel, fiber paste and perhaps some skins and digital grounds. it's great to learn how to use all those products i have sitting around! after procuring The Last Bottle of iron oxide on the shelf, i wandered out of the melee toward the book/video section. they had a good selection of "art on demand" dvd's - one by Patricia Baldwin Seggebruch. I am just drooling to go to her Encausticamp, but that is a little budget-unfriendly for me right now. HOWEVER, she is coming to Kitchener, Ontario soon, and that is what has my heart palpitating. hello, Universe? umm yeah. after composing myself, i looked through the books, and lo! There's a book called Faces & Features. perfect. in the cart. Here are some first attempts at facial features. i plan to work on more today: Not quite ready for prime time, but i'm pleased that you can probably tell those are eyes, and a nose and a mouth. ok - into the shower and then to the woods - it's quite mild here today, having dodged the promised freezing rain and all manner of Armaggedon. Then - to the studio for some jewelry-making and sketching...ahhhh, that feels good to say... wishing you a spark today ....

deeper, clearer

this year has just started off with a bang, i tell you...clearly 2012 is not going to be a shy one. right out of the gate, things Happened...good things, bad things, but Things all the same...and they just haven't stopped. now i know what all that rest was needed for at the end of last year! last week, i spent Two Full Days vacuuming, dusting, purging, rearranging and otherwise reconstructing 2 closets upstairs...i went at it with the fanatical energy of a traveling preacher chasing sin down. and i'm pleased to report that i can now breathe/sleep in my own bedroom again. thusly inspired, i did a While you were out" type redecoration of the bedroom. husband had begged me to promise never to redo anything without him Ever Again following an ill-fated attempt to paint the kitchen red Red RED with Perfect Stepdaughter. but that was years ago, and i crossed my fingers when i sheepishly nodded my head affirmative. so it didn't count, right? but. but the room was so sparkly clean, but so taupe and dreary. and this caught my heart, and, well, you know the rest. yes i did. and i did warn husband before he got home...sent him a text picture. then made his favorite dinner. he really likes it. the room. so inspired, i continued on - a Big Boy night stand for him (replacing the rickety telephone stand he's been using - crammed with alarm clock and a coalminer-type headlamp he insists on using to read at night), and a pair of antique lamps i found at a garage sale - gorjus cut glass base - got new shades and wowa! our old headboard didn't fit in the new bedroom when we moved into this house - it being a 4-poster huge tall thing, and the wall slants in like a cape cod-ish style. (i am laughing my pants off here because autocorrect changed that to "codfish!") we never got around to getting a new headboard, and since it may be a while yet, i bought some "Wall Words" rub ons that say "Always kiss me goodnight" to put on the wall. i may never leave this room. i'll need a pretty good reason why. but that's all good. mom & i are in tense mode, having spoken some truths yesterday that cut through quite a lot of smoke & mirrors, we have gone to our seperate corners to get stitched up and sent back into the ring. it seems that a lot of things are being laid bare in many areas of my life, and in the lives of friends. strange times, for certain. black and white with no gray...and the lines clearly drawn between what is acceptable and what is not... piles of useless or unused stuff laying around in corners of the house, and corners of the heart...no longer waiting patiently to be cleared, but revealing themselves and demanding action be taken. i have cleaned every nook of this physical house throughout the past few weeks - not setting out to, but one thing leads to another, it seems. and so it begins with the heart, as well. the year has whipped up a vortex of demands that corners be swept - sooner rather than later - and everything be set right and proper in it's place...no room for the unnecessary, travel with lightness, leaving space for the brilliance of sudden sunlight to blaze through...change, for certain, has begun. and with the dawn of the new year, i believe that this dusting, polishing, organizing, will reveal quite a lot...will show many things for what they truly are...treasures some, others not. i've gone deeper in my daily meditations...listening...asking...watching...for i don't want to misstep or overcorrect, yet want to keep pace with the broom. thoughtful times. wishing you richness...

the past few weeks (months?) have been such a sharp change for me...i was sick with bronchitis that turned to pneumonia from october through december. during that time, i could do little but change the channel on the TV and sleep through another episode of whatever happened to be on the screen. as i began to recover, and got my hearing back, (sinus problems blocked my ears), i had no inclination to get back into the studio. none. telling myself that i was still weak and needed rest, i continued to Not Be Creative. i had thoughts and dreams of some amazing pieces i wanted to create, and new materials i wanted to use, but i'd walk into my studio and feel heavy. then turn and leave. i'd look at half-finished projects hanging about in my studio and feel no inspiration whatsoever to finish them. the frustration in not being able to express myself is not easily described, and it was not always easy to be in this house with me. as you may have noticed, even my words deserted me, and my blog posts became few and far between. i began searching for an answer, deep within. was it just a time of rest? was it a time of creating a delineation between what was and what would be? was there a different path to take? (thank you Swirly, for bringing this video to light). what what what?? working alone in a studio is very isolating. after a while, you can anticipate the next song on the iPod - even on shuffle. you can almost believe that your dog understands every single word you speak - especially after reading "The Art of Racing in the Rain." I am still casting about for answers. out of the blue, I've received requests for new Squam 2012 necklaces, and that was an incredibly bright light...it got my hands working again in familiar ways. and helped me get a glimmer of what it is that drives me to the studio...to make beautiful things for specific people. not to mass produce or market or splash things about on facebook or twitter or wherever. but to make something filled with love and intention for a specific person. when i make a necklace or collage or painting or any piece of art that has a home to go to, invariably, i think about that person while i'm working the piece...meditate on the spirit of them, stay open to anything that may come up, say a prayer for them and send golden blessings to them during the creation process. that fills me, as it blesses them. and that is where this twinkle of a sparkle of an inkling is sending me, although i don't know where or why or when or how...i just know that i need to go even deeper into that process of creating. even writing this all down here is a sort of working-it-out process. i have watched so many people start out and see popularity in their ideas or creative works, and jump on the surfboard to ride the wave, all the while staying in that same spot - just getting louder or more "marketable," trying to be everything to everyone - all the while thinking they are growing. a following does not equal growth, i've found. and a message for the moment rings stale & inauthentic after a time. (i say this in random thought, and am not pointing a finger, or thinking of One Specific Person, so please don't be offended or hurt if you think i'm writing about you). I want to stay current - not with fads or trends or marketing plans or any other indicator of "success." i want to stay current with what my heart and spirit tell me is my path on my journey. when i first moved here 10 years ago, i carved out a path for diva and i to walk. and everyday (mostly!) we walk the same path into the woods, through the Echo Echo tunnel, around the Tree With Eyes, and the owl's nest, past the hawk's perch, around the lake and through the woods again past the Monkey Tree and Roxy's house. it is a beautiful walk during any season, with different birds chirping and a different treasure to tuck away in our hearts every time (the past 2 days, a fat Barred Owl has swooped over us Really Really close to my head). and even though diva gets to check her ever-changing pee-mail, the walk has become automatic...she knows the way by heart, as do i, and rather than enjoying the scenery, we walk the same trodden path out of habit. same with life. same with art. the past few weeks, diva has absolutely insisted on changing things up - to a degree - and tugs and pulls till i follow her. the same walk, but starting at the end and walking it backwards. and i think that was the message to my heart - follow the trail backwards to see it afresh - to find that sweet spot where the wonderment and absolute gusto reside. stop there and breathe in what i need from that spot, and before taking one baby step, look all around at the different variations of ways Home. pick a different way this time, in order to follow the same destination, but with renewed spirit and new things for my eye to see. i have never ever felt like i was being inauthentic with either my art making or my promotion of it, i guess. no matter how many orders jammed my email box, i never thought, "well, look at me!" my gift is my spirit. and that can't be sold or promoted. it is something that will either draw people in, or not. i am happy with Plenty & Enough, and when there is overflow, it gives me incredible pleasure to share the abundance. i doubt my bank account will ever be as fat as it has been in previous times of my life, because it just feels fearful and wrong to hold onto that abundance - fearful that it may go away, and wrong because there are so many incredible things that can be done with money...so many people to help. so i look at "abundance" differently now - more of a flow, than an accumulation. on a similar but separate topic, i've received emails asking if i will be attending my annual Meeting of my Tribe in september. i will not be. i'm not sure why i feel that this year i belong at a different place, but that feeling is definite and strong. Un-ignorably strong. i spent quite some time sorting out my feelings about it, and worked through some pretty ugly and uncomfortable anger and grief and feelings of being quite expendable in an area where i felt like i was part of a whole. i tried to deny these feelings and move past them and proceed as usual. but my spirit simply would not allow me to "proceed as usual." so having gotten through the steaming heap of junky emotions, came to realize that there was a purpose elsewhere this year, and had no choice but to follow that thread. That is all i have to say on that, and am not asking anyone to follow me if their strong inclination is to stay their course. it is your journey to determine. i'm not sure how this post got to where it is, but here it is anyway. the wind is pushing tree limbs to their limits outside...45 mph they say. it makes a nice shushing sound inside where i'm warm with diva and bulimia cat, and a cup of my current addiction - Constant Comment tea. there are worse addictions and this one comes in decaf too! wishing you each a brightly shining day filled with insight and ah-ha's...

this is the second attempt to post today...the first one froze my mac and i had to delete the whole program and blah blah blah. so instead, i spent a productive day...12 loads of laundry. yes. twelve. i have a closet in my studio that's 12x10 feet. we don't have a basement, so all my out-of-season clothes, shoes, size 4 pants, some furniture, husband's not-work clothes, rifles, etc, get stored there. it is not possible to vacuum or dust in there, and after so many years, i would have a major allergy attack (dust) every time i went to wear a sweater from that closet. so i got mad (and smart) and motivated and emptied every last thing out of the closet, donned a surgical mask (beauty) and vacuumed, clorox-wiped, dusted and began washing Every Single Thing in there. I have a tremendous Mt. Everest pile of clothes going to Goodwill - i mean there is no hope whatsoever that i will ever get into some of these pants. and the closet is so clean and beautiful now. i actually would use it for a task area as part of the studio. it's bright enough to draw in. but there's a pile of stuff still needing a home, so i'm sure it will fill up again. one thing that made me happy to do was wash all the linens that were stored there and put them in giant clothing bags. now i can have April fresh sheets anytime without having to run the wash before i make the bed. ahhh. it's all about organizing and simplifying right now. it started yesterday when i went to get ready for a business appointment and realized that the Big Girl clothes i had either didn't fit, or looked tattered or schlocky. perfect for my last job where i sat in a cube and no one saw me, but not at all right for my new life. thank goodness for Wholly Tara - I bought a dress there last year that is perfect for anything and is actually flattering. i was hating on the pantyhose, though. so immediately after the appointment, i took myself to the mall. as luck would have it, the salesperson watched more episodes of What Not To Wear then i ever have, and put together the start of a great wardrobe for me...and they were having a sale! the entire haul cost the same amount (including 2 pair of shoes) as the coat's regular price, so i actually shopped for free, if you think about it. (that's called "sales math" where I'm from). bags and bags and bags of stuff. and all of it fits, and is flattering and i feel great in them. and no pantyhose required. so i made a deal with myself that i would finally clean out/clear out every single thing that i didn't love, or that didn't fit. i hung onto a lot of things because even though the fit was off a bit i worried that i'd never find another whatever. and i have to say, i have a lot of duplicates because i couldn't find something in all the chaos. and it was chaos. 5 black turtlenecks. 7 pair of black pants (only 1 fit, and they were downright matronly). that sort of thing. 30 - yes 30 - pair of white sweat socks. and a drawer full of left socks with no right sock, or elastic that had seen better days. don't even get me going on the bras and unmentionables. whoosh. all out. so now i have the clothes from the big closet to re-hang, and every piece has to justify it's way back into the closet. (and i don't think the skirt from the 80's will make it, sorry to say. or the jacket with the Joan Collins Big Mutha shoulder pads). oh yeah it feels good. it's dinner time, and i haven't showered for the day yet, but got a lot done. it sure beats watching the snow outside. holy mother of george jetson! in 2 hours, the world filled with snow...i kept trying to clear a path for diva to make it to her special spot to poo, but it would fill in by the next trip. ok - now husband smells smoke, so i have to go check. happy friday the 13th! update: no fire, but somehow blogger rearranged the order of the blogs (i have 2 - one is extinct) and i just posted to the wrong blog. so thank goodness for copy/paste. and thank goodness for Sue who taught me how to copy/paste on this computer.

wow. within minutes after my facebook farewell, i got no less than 10 emails asking why i was leaving, and 1 was pretty damn huffy. Here's the thing...I am happy to promote you here...my focus this year is all about helping to spread the word about workshops/ecourses/shops/extraordinary people, etc. and yes, I do recognize that facebook is a great vehicle for advertising - especially for small biz. heck, i promoted my website on my facebook page. i don't have a problem with using any technology that's available to you to get the word out. My issue with facebook is this: it is becoming the way people assume they are connecting with one another, exclusive of emails, letters, cards, phone calls, and old fashioned face-to-face cups of coffee. and that is not acceptable to me. someone clicking "like" after a comment should not replace a personal comment to that person. it's just how i roll. it makes people more isolated. i don't have a problem, per se, with facebook, or with a person promoting their whatever on facebook. just look at it as a sidedish, rather than the main course, is all i ask. it's like posting a billboard in someone's yard without thanking them, or asking them. don't forget to send an email to or call a friend you know is having a bad time, or celebrating a fantastic event. that was my only point. and since i'm no longer on facebook - don't forget me! i won't forget you. and as soon as i get a minute, i'll be updating my gadgets and sidebar to list some of the amazingly wonderful places on the web i'd love to share with you.

i know i've said this before, and will likely say it again, but....tonight i closed my facebook account. yes gasp. (sarcastic gasp). it's been a few days since i checked on it, and honestly, it looked like a highway filled with billboards. very little actual connecting going on...mostly people trumpeting their product/workshop/store, etc. And that's not what i signed up for. i was talking to a friend the other day (yes actually talking to an actual friend), and we were bemoaning the demise of people connecting, or even conversing. texts, emails, "likes", comments...they've all taken the place of an actual conversation. and don't get me going on a handwritten card or letter...they are filed in the "quaint" category these days. maybe i sound old, but if being old means i care enough about you to call, then hand over the AARP card. i'm happy to give a mention to your book, or workshop or new puppy here in this space - hell, i'm thrilled to shout your happiest news! but facebook has become ad-central...a promotional platform. i spent more time hiding stories that i felt inappropriate for what i wanted to represent me. and i want more from a friendship then a "friend." so, sadly, i am leaving that part of the technological wonderment behind me. but hopefully not the friends i've made.

yes, i'm like that. a list-maker, organizer, pretty things all in a row. ok, well, mostly. sort of. except for the "tidy & organized house" image that might conjure. every morning while i have my 1st cup of coffee and wait for diva dog to shake off the sandman and come downstairs for "out," i make a list of what i hope to accomplish that day. well, back up a sec...on Monday, i make a list of what needs to get done for the week, then break it down every day. so on monday, i tackle a few things & check them off. then tuesday i pick a few more, etc. I know if i pick at least 1 hard thing a day (laundry, grocery shopping and that ilk), then by friday, my list will be empty. and the weekend free. except my weekdays and weekends are pretty seamless. so it's more about carving out personal time. if i finish xyz on my tuesday list, for example, then i have "free" time...my list is done for the day. and i include things like "an adventure walk" with diva - which is nothing more than taking a different route than usual...not such a hard frog to eat*, right? and also in the schedule are items like "9-11am: sketch," or "afternoon: used book store to find text for collage." so along with vacuuming, cleaning up after bulimia cat, running the stairs with scorchingly dirty laundry, etc, are Must Do's that are actually pleasurable. but they are important. and if a wrench gets thrown in to my perfectly planned day, i can assure you that the vacuuming will wait. which explains the state of my house. but i figure there are no extra points for dying with a clean house, and when the temps are in the high 40's in January, it's a sign from God to go ye therefore outside of the structure and play. (that's a rough translation from the actual verse found somewhere maybe). you know, in all this random rambling, i completely lost my point. surprised? ok...back to paint and pencils and gesso and the smells of a productive studio. wishing you an amazing day of play, and a self-cleaning house! *my ex-boss had a term "Bite the frog" which meant to tackle your least favorite & often avoided task first thing in the morning, so then the rest of your day was better by comparison, and you were done with the task on deadline. my whole day was a frog, so it was a matter of jumping from lilypad to lilypad all day! and yes - i did buy a pack of rubber frogs, and would randomly launch them over the tops of people's cubes throughout the week. and yes - i was not an easily managed employee, but was very productive, and have heard morale sunk to a low low after i left. so there's that.

ok. the first week of the new year has been whiz bang, let me tell you. But at the same time slow and gentle. inside. chaos swirls around outside, but i am focused on where i need to be. one thing that i know i need to improve on is beating me over the head...and i can't understand it. I am uber-punctual for appointments...always 15 minutes early at least. it's maddening sometimes, because if i am meeting someone for lunch, and they're 10 minutes late, i've already sat there 25 minutes. my bad. but i will be totally honest with you here: I have not mailed out christmas presents yet. i know. i feel so ashamed. yes, i was sick for 140 years, so that did slow me down, but i have one that i'm making, and it honestly would take maybe 30 minutes to finish, and i just can't seem to work on it. yes, i've been busier than usual with Stuff That Needs Sudden & Immediate Attention, but i just feel so wickedly aweful about (what I perceive as) sluggishness. so this year, i will be trying my best to get gifts, cards, letters, etc, out on time. it's a lifelong problem that i am known for, and feel like a bad friend. it's not that these things aren't important to me...they are VERY important to me. which is why it makes me scratch my head in wonder. new topic. I am signed up for a second round of online workshops with Suzi Blu. I have always wanted to draw faces, and my brain and hand refuse, just REFUSE to play nicely when the pencil hits the paper. so i thought if i was learning to make a folk art-ish face, then there would be less pressure. and it was so great! i'm not sure how she does it, but within 1 lesson, i was drawing and shading and SEEING what i needed to see. and have carved out time every morning to draw a face from a magazine - a real face. i'm pleased with the results so far, although most of the models would probably take one look and push me down. But i am doing it. The next round of workshops i signed up for is a Portraits class, where she goes more in depth about where things should go. I never thought i'd enjoy this type of class online, and figured i'd be so high-maintenance in person that i should stick to collage. but there you have it. i also signed up for a free mixed media class taught by Traci Bautista through Strathmore online. check them out - there are a bunch of different artists and techniques to choose from. free is a good price. i also found a cool website called "Bookmooch," where you can trade books with people all over the world. i have to look at it more, but the premise is that you list the books you want to get rid of, and if someone else wants them, you either trade for something they have, or get a certain number of points to use elsewhere. (if they don't have a book you want). i have stacks of books here that i've cleaned out. our local library is pathetic, yet when someone donates books to them, they put them in a huge book sale in the summer (50 cents each). i mean, hey. you have a perfectly good book here that obviously SOMEone wanted to read...why not put it on the shelf?? or sell it for $5 if you need the money so badly. and i'm not sure what they spend the book sale money on, because they haven't seemed to add to their inventory since bell bottoms came around the first time. so here's something confusing: a few days ago, we had our first snow. yes - FIRST. it was a respectable amount...enough to get my prepaid plow guy to come. yesterday was 9-degrees and Very Windy & cold. my windshield wiper actually froze and broke off. for real. now today, i went outside with diva at around 8am (lazy slug that she is) and it was warm enough for my usual morning uniform of bathrobe & boots. (no wonder the neighbors have their house up for sale). i'll take it, though. not a fan of snow. diva is getting old by the day. she is slowing down in ways that remind me of Kita's last year. and she's been getting weird spots on her...a sore she keeps licking on her paw...some kind of irritation on her chin. between my dentist appointments and her vet appointments, i have a full time job. speaking of which - time to get back to the workbench and Gepetto out some very special necklaces that are scheduled to head out. but first a shout out & big congratulations to Swirly! not only is her book on the shelves, but she became a grandma yesterday!! yikes - and she's, like, 20 years younger than me. oy. wishing you all a day filled with blessing and gratitude

yes, it keeps coming back to this: I am wired to express myself by making art. BUT, i also get such fulfillment in sharing art that moves me, whether or not it is my work. what to do? what to do? I am thinking of revamping my website...have tabs to showcase an artist (or artists) every month on a special tab. there are so many people who's art is so fantastic, but they don't have an online venue to share it with you...or they do have an online venue, but i really want you to discover them. and maybe through this blog, you'll head over to the website and see what they have created. i'm not sure what this will look like yet...just kanoodling right now. but i think if i lost all ability to make art, i would most certainly represent other artists. so, while i'm figuring things out, if you are interested in being featured, please email me or leave your contact info in the comment section here. i think this will be really good. In other news...i signed up for (and actually completed!) Suzi Blu's Petite Dolls. i have been wanting to draw portraits, but the minute i hold a pencil in my hand, the brain checks out and the yes roll away. so i figured it would be a good warmup (and non-threatening) way to get used to drawing. they're just folk art dolls, right? they aren't supposed to look real, so there's no pressure. let me tell you...it worked. through the class, i learned about placement of eyes, nose, etc, and about shading. the downside to this is that i now have a colored pencil addiction, and had to go buy a carrier thingie with all these elastic loops to hold the pencils. and a special sharpener. and eraser. oh, and sketchbook. yeah, so, there's that. but i'm diggin it. i know i am drawn to an orderly display of things in bright, juicy colors, so i should have just had Leslie at the art store pick out colors for me while i kept my eyes shut. but no. and so, armed with discount coupons and gift cards and a Strong Need for these things, i went guerilla commercial on them. well at least they weren't sweaters (back in the 80's when shaker knit sweaters came in vogue, i happened upon a display of them all folded neatly...long sweaters and short sweaters...in every single color imaginable. i bought one of each in each length. many many sweaters. i may still have one or two.) there's just something so appealing and tasty about it. and i noticed that when i was going through magazines for design ideas for my Perfect Studio, i ripped out pages of images that were colorful rows of whatever. even fish in a fish market (yes - real fish) all lined up. you would think my house is neat and tidy and orderly, but no - it is a righteous mess. it really is. husband travels a lot, and likes cleared, flat surfaces - like a hotel room. it is a tension. okay - time to shower and layer on clothes, walk diva, and start the year with dental work! yippee. but Dr. Patel is fantastic...he is redoing all the bad dental work i've had foisted upon my mouth in the past 15 years, and i am hopeful to have things set right by May. meanwhile, i cannot urge you strongly enough: this year, take a week for yourself and go to an art retreat. start saving change, bonus checks, round off your checking account balance...whatever it takes...but do this thing for yourself...meet like-minded women, or just absorb the atmosphere of creativity while you try something new. it has been a balm to my soul to do this every year. promise? okay - time for the shower.

what an incredible day...no snow...temps in the upper 40's to near 50-degrees...windy...perfect day for a walk...i took my camera down through the woods (yes, diva was jealous) hoping to catch the owls or the two huge hawks that were fussing around the treetops calling each other out yesterday, but no luck. today is a lazy day of sketching, and starting a new (FREE!) online class with Traci Bautista. It's through Strathmore Paint ... www.strathmoreartiststudio.com . sorry - haven't figured out how to copy & paste with the mac yet, but signed up for a class on friday. there really isn't much to say right now...am gellin' with a glass of Rancho Sisquo, and my sketchpad...a fire in the fireplace, and am trying to waft as much estrogen around the room as possible to offset the football :) will check in tomorrow with a little more of a verbal meal.