the past few weeks (months?) have been such a sharp change for me...i was sick with bronchitis that turned to pneumonia from october through december. during that time, i could do little but change the channel on the TV and sleep through another episode of whatever happened to be on the screen. as i began to recover, and got my hearing back, (sinus problems blocked my ears), i had no inclination to get back into the studio. none. telling myself that i was still weak and needed rest, i continued to Not Be Creative. i had thoughts and dreams of some amazing pieces i wanted to create, and new materials i wanted to use, but i'd walk into my studio and feel heavy. then turn and leave. i'd look at half-finished projects hanging about in my studio and feel no inspiration whatsoever to finish them. the frustration in not being able to express myself is not easily described, and it was not always easy to be in this house with me. as you may have noticed, even my words deserted me, and my blog posts became few and far between. i began searching for an answer, deep within. was it just a time of rest? was it a time of creating a delineation between what was and what would be? was there a different path to take? (thank you Swirly, for bringing this video to light). what what what?? working alone in a studio is very isolating. after a while, you can anticipate the next song on the iPod - even on shuffle. you can almost believe that your dog understands every single word you speak - especially after reading "The Art of Racing in the Rain." I am still casting about for answers. out of the blue, I've received requests for new Squam 2012 necklaces, and that was an incredibly bright light...it got my hands working again in familiar ways. and helped me get a glimmer of what it is that drives me to the studio...to make beautiful things for specific people. not to mass produce or market or splash things about on facebook or twitter or wherever. but to make something filled with love and intention for a specific person. when i make a necklace or collage or painting or any piece of art that has a home to go to, invariably, i think about that person while i'm working the piece...meditate on the spirit of them, stay open to anything that may come up, say a prayer for them and send golden blessings to them during the creation process. that fills me, as it blesses them. and that is where this twinkle of a sparkle of an inkling is sending me, although i don't know where or why or when or how...i just know that i need to go even deeper into that process of creating. even writing this all down here is a sort of working-it-out process. i have watched so many people start out and see popularity in their ideas or creative works, and jump on the surfboard to ride the wave, all the while staying in that same spot - just getting louder or more "marketable," trying to be everything to everyone - all the while thinking they are growing. a following does not equal growth, i've found. and a message for the moment rings stale & inauthentic after a time. (i say this in random thought, and am not pointing a finger, or thinking of One Specific Person, so please don't be offended or hurt if you think i'm writing about you). I want to stay current - not with fads or trends or marketing plans or any other indicator of "success." i want to stay current with what my heart and spirit tell me is my path on my journey. when i first moved here 10 years ago, i carved out a path for diva and i to walk. and everyday (mostly!) we walk the same path into the woods, through the Echo Echo tunnel, around the Tree With Eyes, and the owl's nest, past the hawk's perch, around the lake and through the woods again past the Monkey Tree and Roxy's house. it is a beautiful walk during any season, with different birds chirping and a different treasure to tuck away in our hearts every time (the past 2 days, a fat Barred Owl has swooped over us Really Really close to my head). and even though diva gets to check her ever-changing pee-mail, the walk has become automatic...she knows the way by heart, as do i, and rather than enjoying the scenery, we walk the same trodden path out of habit. same with life. same with art. the past few weeks, diva has absolutely insisted on changing things up - to a degree - and tugs and pulls till i follow her. the same walk, but starting at the end and walking it backwards. and i think that was the message to my heart - follow the trail backwards to see it afresh - to find that sweet spot where the wonderment and absolute gusto reside. stop there and breathe in what i need from that spot, and before taking one baby step, look all around at the different variations of ways Home. pick a different way this time, in order to follow the same destination, but with renewed spirit and new things for my eye to see. i have never ever felt like i was being inauthentic with either my art making or my promotion of it, i guess. no matter how many orders jammed my email box, i never thought, "well, look at me!" my gift is my spirit. and that can't be sold or promoted. it is something that will either draw people in, or not. i am happy with Plenty & Enough, and when there is overflow, it gives me incredible pleasure to share the abundance. i doubt my bank account will ever be as fat as it has been in previous times of my life, because it just feels fearful and wrong to hold onto that abundance - fearful that it may go away, and wrong because there are so many incredible things that can be done with money...so many people to help. so i look at "abundance" differently now - more of a flow, than an accumulation. on a similar but separate topic, i've received emails asking if i will be attending my annual Meeting of my Tribe in september. i will not be. i'm not sure why i feel that this year i belong at a different place, but that feeling is definite and strong. Un-ignorably strong. i spent quite some time sorting out my feelings about it, and worked through some pretty ugly and uncomfortable anger and grief and feelings of being quite expendable in an area where i felt like i was part of a whole. i tried to deny these feelings and move past them and proceed as usual. but my spirit simply would not allow me to "proceed as usual." so having gotten through the steaming heap of junky emotions, came to realize that there was a purpose elsewhere this year, and had no choice but to follow that thread. That is all i have to say on that, and am not asking anyone to follow me if their strong inclination is to stay their course. it is your journey to determine. i'm not sure how this post got to where it is, but here it is anyway. the wind is pushing tree limbs to their limits outside...45 mph they say. it makes a nice shushing sound inside where i'm warm with diva and bulimia cat, and a cup of my current addiction - Constant Comment tea. there are worse addictions and this one comes in decaf too! wishing you each a brightly shining day filled with insight and ah-ha's...