bodies bodies bodies

i've always  tried to walk a fine line inside myself, between total acceptance of my body and wanting to tweak a few things.  my recent weight gain that accompanied quitting smoking made this more of a tug of war than a walk on a fine line.  it's funny because i have never looked at another person and thought anything about their size...only their actions and intent and spirit.  but here i am, heavier than i've ever been, and growing by the day, it seems.  and i feel a certain amount of frustration that my size is even on my radar - i'm too busy to have to think about whether or not last week's new jeans will fit, or if i'll ever find a bra to fit.  and i just don't want to think about those things - they have never been that important to me.  and i'm noticing a funny thing - sort of a perfect storm of self-awareness issues.  on top of my theory that women become "safe" and "invisible" after a certain age, i now find myself feeling like i should explain my weight gain.  i catch myself and don't, but feel like whenever i shop for the next size, i have to tell the clerk that "i used to be a size 2, then a 4, then a 6, and then quit smoking and went from a 6 to a 14 lickity split."  all one fast sentence like that.  like she could care.  but it's almost like i have to prove my worth - let her know that i was once like her, or some such nonsense.  even at the gym last night...it's a nice family-type atmosphere (with nowhere near enough AC for us menopausal types), yet i felt uncomfortable at first as i stepped onto the treadmill.  all around me, teen girls were sweating and running on these hamster wheels for humans, but i started at a leisurely pace, imagining they thought "how nice that this old woman is doing something healthy."  keeping these defeating and bullying thoughts at bay has been my lesson these past few weeks.  i have always been accepting of myself, and never owned a scale.  i have never looked at another and thought they were too thin or heavy or fill-in-the-blank...so why the issues now?  add to the mix that i'm working on a fundraiser for an eating disorder resource center, and you have the recipe for clearing some inner space.  so here's my challenge to myself, and to you, if you feel so inclined:  go here and print out this manifesto.  pin it to your wall, and to your heart.  leave a comment here, if you'd like, telling the world that you accept and love yourself.  because i accept and love you.  and i happen to have good taste :)