i find coming here to this space is a welcome retreat from the madness that is attempting to find receptacle within my heart. in years past, i would absorb it all in, feeling that i could better deal with/release/handle the crisis than the person who was freaking out with it. years of taking on issues that weren't mine taught me that i was kidding myself, and also that they simply were not my issues to deal with. i was, at the least, robbing that person of a life lesson. this is one of the first huge tests i've faced since that epiphany that i do not spin the world...that i deserve to walk by my own decisions, and not have to drag the pack of someone else's baggage. it seems i am being bombarded with calls from people who have made a Major League Mistake In Judgment. some serious enough that the rest of their life could be adversely effected. and for once, i don't feel that i need to take it in. the anger i feel at some of them is a battle today, as i know how anger can tear a person down. "anger," you say? yes. anger. I have had my moments (years) of absolute crazy chaos, and suspect they felt anger/frustration with me, as they could see Clearly See what the answer was, but i was too busy spinning and pointing at someone else as the cause of my problem. i recognize that. but it doesn't lessen the urge to call one or two of these people and just let both barrels go. so i am spending a quiet day in the studio, playing catch-up, waiting for funeral arrangements to be determined, taking deep breaths - many deep breaths, and hugging diva every so often. she's a spoiled little cheeseball, i tell you. and in all this, i am patting myself on the back for a lesson learned in not internalizing other people's problems. i recall working at 911, and talking to a supervisor about a regular caller we'd get. i asked if there wasn't something outside of the box that we could do to help. his reply seemed harsh at first, saying that people spent 40+ years making a mess of their lives and called us to fix it in 30 seconds or less. we do our jobs and that is our part, and hopefully someone else will do their job and help straighten things out. after working there a while, i saw a pattern, with it being easier to call the police to deal with the momentary issue (which was usually the same one over & over) than it was to stop and realize that the way they were living Was Not Working and Big Change needed to happen. for some, this never seems to happen, and the crisis deepens as every year friends and family get worn out by trying to help and soon the person's support system (a/k/a co-dependents in some cases) refuse to offer any assistance. this cut across every socio-economic line, every age line, every line you want to draw. people just get worn out watching someone do the same thing over and over again with the same bad result. i'm not sure (as usual) why i'm off on this tear, but for what it's worth, i am. at some point a few years ago, i realized that being the uber-helpful one was a good way to not have to look at my own problems...i was too busy helping others through their catastrophe. but when that movie was over, and the lights came up, guess what? there i was sitting with my own gum on my own shoe. it all comes down to my favorite life rule...this is a quote from any flight attendant anywhere: Please affix your own mask tightly before attempting to assist others.