it may be the upcoming holidays that have made me feel the need for clarity and groundedness...if i don't hold fast to who i am, then it will be as much of a hot mess as it usually is. as in many relationships, our families don't blend well, which has left me in the center being pulled this way and that. last year, i stepped out of that and spent a fantastic thankgiving hosted by my brother...small, intimate, and wonderful. i was not responsible for anything - i was not the guardian of any one's good time, nor was i the kitchen police...all i had to do was show up. just me. there were a thousand moments large & small that came to try to steal this day of gentleness, but i rebuffed them after having made up my mind to go forward. i feel constantly torn between what i should do, and what i want to do. and yet, inside, i feel that i am authentic to myself (okay - cliche alert - it's early and i don't have much time). so therein lies the First Dilemma how can i be authentic if i am constantly disappointing myself with my choices? in the long run, yes, the easiest choice by far is to host here...i say easiest, but it's also the hardest. easiest in the afterward, but most difficult to go through, with people you'd rather not engage with on any given day coming into my home, dragging their chaos and drama with them, and not leaving until they're good and ready to. and this year's chaos & drama promises to be kicked up a few notches as most of the players have been at odds most of the year. i hadn't expected to go off on holiday dinners, but i think an inkling is popping through - i have acquiesced to my husband's wish to try to recreate Norman Rockwell for 10 years. and i pay for it. Easter sent me to the ER with chest pains a few years ago. so the question is: why am i willing to sabotage myself for another's comfort? why am i following in my mother's martyr-like footsteps, when it's the thing i most dislike? yet how can i feel strong and certain about most other areas of my life, my Self? this twinship of my spirit is something i need to meld. and i think therein lies the answer to the rest of my questions. i don't feel weak or needy or spiritually gapping...i feel strong and bold and certain. yet...