the hap happiest time of the year

or not, for some. typically, these next few months are torture for those of us prone to dark moods and lethargic times...the daylight is shorter... the list of "to do" items are longer... families converge in what is often a chaotic heap of noise and personalities, bringing the ghosts of christmas past with them...post office lines rival retail lines, as manically cheerful bells and music ring constantly and at full volume... and it can seem like an overwhelming conspiracy to steal the very joy we've worked all year to capture in our souls. it is not an easy time, as bosses strive to cram that last nickel into the bottom line and grab that hoped for fat turkey of a bonus - on our backs. this year, i'm having none of it. yes, i plan to shop and post packages (maybe even on time this year) and all the fa-la-la-la-la that's involved. but when i leave the safety and quiet of my studio, i will go fortified...knowing that people will be at their frazzled worst and parking will be a nightmare and the lines will be longer than i thought possible and clerks will be snappy and the post office will be on the edge of Going Postal and throughout all this madness that has nothing to do with the spirit of the season, i will be fortified and centered and be deeply grateful for each and every frustration...grateful that i am able to drive in a car i own, to a shop displaying beautiful and tempting goodies, and purchase (moderately) those goodies as i imagine the joy they will bring...my home is not devastated by flood or earthquake or civil unrest (of the kind that you see on the national news)...i have a home to leave from...i will have food to eat before i leave the house, and warm clothes to keep me comfortable as i walk that mile from my parking space to the door of the mall/shop. i could go on, but you get the point. in my frustrations, i will see the blessing that has "caused" the frustration. i will be overly pleasant with the snappy clerk who is probably working her 10th day of 12-hour shifts, and only wants a bubble bath in the very same stuff you are buying...or a good stiff drink. when the dusk threatens to catch me at home, or wherever i am, i will remember these "frustrating" moments and be grateful, and hope that that gratitude will grow within me and become joy that will supplant the darkness. this is my belief. and when the urge to crawl back into the dark womb of my bed hits unawares and grabs hold anyway, i will reach out to those who understand the language of dark and light, and will know that mindless chatter on the phone is a saving life raft back to the shore. i think of how many hours i have spent on the phone with conversations that started with, "no real reason for this call - just wanted to say hello," and there is a certain plea that is unspoken, and i am grateful for the trust that has been given me to know - stop everything and just chat...make some tea, sit for as long as it takes and just talk about the mundane or the deep, philosophy of paper vs. plastic, or whatever it takes to chase away the look/don't look monster peeking around someone's mental corners. you may call me. my cell phone is always on. and we can chat about the merits of cerulean blue vs. cobalt blue, or how crazy it is to shop at this time of year, or how very special you are to me...and you can simply sit quietly on your end and listen to me chatter (which God knows i can do like it's my job - oh, wait...) or cry your heart out. or whatever you wish. i will, however, at some point ask you to fortify yourself like this: close your eyes...breathe in fully, breathe out fully, hold a smile on your face for the count of 15 - no matter how fake it feels. that's it. an old gypsy trick. i'm not sure how i got going on this track this morning, but i'm certain i'll look back and say "ah ha - that's why." now, as the dawn is creeping into my window, and the coffee is done perking hot and strong, and the house is mine, save for a few 4-leggeds, i will head to the studio and make some art which, when completed, may necessitate a long wait at the post office to send out to y-o-u. and i'll be thanking God for the blessing of creativity that allows me to express my love to you.