hmmmmm

(not a great pic, but it's completely Angelina, with some little flowers with tiny pearls i glued into centers, and some pink & purple cab teardrop shparkle thingies. it has more depth of color in person, but the blinding reflectiveness of Angelina makes the camera scream) *** ok. with this many aggravations in my life, i have to step back and say "what is the lesson here?" just what am i supposed to be learning here? there has to be some Message that i should be learning, because my magical, peaceful days and nights have turned into an endless stream of flame-outs....and the full moon hasn't helped. i've blamed a lot on the fairy wings, and to be fair, they have thrilled in their torture of me. but there has been a constant parade of moments that have just Pissed Me Off To The 3rd Realm Of Malfeasant Thought the past 4 days. Dreamweaver has taken roost in the diningroom, and diva won't come out of the closet. (she's still on a hunger strike, despite 6 different foods i've tried). so aaanyway, i went for a walk today and tried to find a common thread, an "ah ha" to all these Things That Keep Happening. i'm not sure yet, but i did learn a few things about myself that may help me repeat the same scenarios again. and maybe that IS the lesson....maybe i need to learn these few things, quickly, because if opptys keep presenting themselves to me at this same pace without This Knowledge, i'll crash for sure. First, it was important for me to recognize that I am a very goal-oriented person. to the nth degree. not competitive. but regimented in attaining a goal. a list-maker, a timeline maker & follower. a brutal self-critic. and half-Jewish. i was an excellent producer...always planning for the worst-case-scenario. always building in extra time....way lots extra time. to the point where most of my vacations with my husband start and end in huge fights and tears and stomach aches - he, the God of The Last Possible Second...counterpoint, me, 30 minutes early is 15 minutes late. trying to negotiate a departure time for the airport is like negotiating world peace at the U.N...i worry, become agitated, and am Certain that every item on my "what if" list will indeed happen on the way to the airport. (which is 15 minutes away by hiway). (maybe 20 if traffic is bad) (oh, and construction...add another 10 minutes for that.) (oh - and if it's after 6am...forget it...leave at least an hour). and i've also learned to be of independant spirit. those were difficult, painful lessons to learn. i Earned my diploma. i became myself. and i'm very content with who i am (depite point #1). i am not yet my best self, but in this regard, i have come to stop the inner critic. so now i am able to say, "i am an artist," in a strong voice, matter-of-factly, and without apology, AND actually feel that "i AM an artist," it isn't a little girl at play wearing her mom's dress-up shoes and trying on her lipstick. it IS who i am. and i know my soul-art. and i know my muse. and, yes, i am capable of making fairy wings for a candyland bed, but, you know, it ain't me. i also know that i push myself to achieve, and over-deliver. it makes me stressed and artistically frozen. which in turn frustrates me and then angers me and makes me wonder why i ever picked up a rusty nail in the first place. so, the lessons of the fairywings.....1)don't make art for money UNLESS it is truly MY art. 2)don't overpromise, or accept an unreasonable deadline...if the person has hired me to do the job - they can't do it themselves, so they have no idea what is involved, despite their appreciation for it. 3) don't accept a commission for work that isn't "mine." if i don't love the concept/materials/whatever, walk away. leave time/oppty for something else...it will come. and if you ("you" meaning "me") do find yourself in the unenviable position such as The Fairywing Incident, then for God's sake, shut the F up, stop whining, stop procrastinating, get out there and make the damn things because everyone, i'm sure, is pretty damn tired of hearing about your tortured soul and these frickin wings. so, not bad for a 20 minute walk, eh? is good, ya? L.