a Tiny description

a full time artist, stepmother, radio personality, and mom to an energetic Chug dog, tries to get through the days without committing a felonious act. My life is a rickety Zen circus.


Sunday, September 17, 2006

news from beyond

home at last! Nikki couldn't believe her eyes that we were home....she wagged her whole body, as only dogs and kids can do....a winning lottery ticket and a trip to Disney all rolled into the shape of....MOMMY! of course grandma gives her chicken (real chicken) but mom is mom. today, we headed to the spca fundraiser. i knew an animal communicator, Janet Ridgeway, would be there and i was headed to her no matter what. it's weird, i consider myself a spiritual person, and yes, i believe that animals do communicate with us on a certain level. but i have a eye turned toward skepticism about someone billing themselves as an animal communicator - i mean, how do you corroborate? but i needed her to tell me what i needed to hear so that i could move past this lethargy, this pea soup feeling dragging my heart down. i needed to be able to enjoy Nikki without feeling guilty, and i needed to stop crying inwardly and outwardly at the most inopportune times ...job interviews, sex, grocery stores...TMI? sorry. so i sat in front of her on a metal folding chair, fully prepared to steer the conversation to my satisfaction, if need be. such a peacefulness decended, in the midst of all the barking dogs, and hundreds of people, it was just me and her and Nikki and Kita. weird? you betcha. scary? not at all. to have a chance to say goodbye properly .....priceless and precious. i'll spare you the details of the whole conversation - actually, i still need to hold them to my heart and private. what i came away with to share, though, is that animals don't recognize the difference between "here" and "there" ....they exist. they exist. whether they are in their physical body, or their "spiritual" form - it's no different to them. so for me, there was a peace - a moving away of the stone blocking my heart. Kita was still Kita, only not in pain, not needing constant care, not dependant anymore. he was the dog i remembered from years ago. only without the constraints of his body. i told Janet i felt like i'd made the right decision but at the wrong time. she said it was the right time, and proceeded to give me details known only to me and my keeter-dog. so...will i still miss him? you betcha. but differently. missing someone without regrets entangled is a much lighter load to carry. so much sweeter the memories when they aren't tainted with should haves and maybes and what if's. i can remember him now without feeling like i betrayed him or disrespected all that he brought to my life. and that is worth everything. that, as they say, is priceless. i believe i've chased the dragons from my sleep. L.

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